Drunk On Clever (68)

[Stoke-on-Trent]

Hauer

"Do you ever water it? It looks a lot less green," my landlord says to me.

That's all he seems to worry about, that the fucking tree is looking a little yellow, which it isn't, and all I can think about is that I just resigned a fucking year long lease and it's early, and I'm still sick, and I want to go back to bed and my landlord is worried about a tree, when for the last six months he should have been worried about the weeds in the front yard that I just cut two days ago, because the city threatened to fine me, and that he should have cut, because it was what he promised when I first moved in.

"I'll water it," I say.

"Thanks, Rex." He says and touches my shoulder and walks away and waves as he gets in his green Jeep Cherokee and drives out of the cul-de-sac.

He's a nice guy and that's what I hate, because when nice guys make promises to cut weeds, I somehow have trouble telling those nice guys to get their lazy nice guy asses over to my house and do what they've promised. But, I know he's busy. Going out of town alot and the gods know I'm busy, what with work and school and parties and girls. But, I guess I could've done it myself. But, I never promised anything.

My hangover drives me inside to the coffee maker and I draw myself a mug and sit down on the couch. I turn on the tv to some Saturday morning cartoons, flip the channel to MTV and just stare out the window instead.

I hear mumbling and turn my head as Bret stumbles into the kitchen rubbing his head while fumbling with a cereal box lid.

"Yeah. He just left," I answer back, looking back out the window at nothing in particular.

"I hate fucking parties at Wanda's," he mumbles, still rubbing his head fighting off the same pain that seems to start fading in my own head.

I hear cereal hit the floor.

"She's a bitch, but she knows everyone," I say and then sip some coffee that I forgot was in my hand.

I yawn and then I get up and step over Terrence who thinks the tv room floor is his bed and I head back to my own bed. It's Saturday morning and it's early and early Saturday morning was created for sleeping. Bret mumbles something to me but I'm too tired to hear him and he mumbles mostly anyway so I don't bother asking what it was he said because he's probably sleep walking anyway.

I set my coffee mug down on my chest of drawers and I crawl under my sheets and I dream. I dream of that girl I saw at Wanda's. The tall one with the raven tresses and the crystal blue eyes and the lips that look like she's been drinking cherry kool-aid all summer. I dream that she didn't leave the party early and that I went up and met her and we talked and we danced and kissed and fucked, up in Wanda's roommates room. No. Scratch that. Made love up in Wanda's roommate's room. I think to myself, there's something special about this one. This girl isn't for fucking and I dream of why she's so special to me that I would risk saying we made love. But never out loud.

I wake up four hours later and change my boxer briefs and put on some pants and a Masters of the Universe t-shirt. I slide on my sandals and sunglasses, grab my keys and head out to my truck. It was stupid of me to forget about Poker Face's car. I was supposed to meet him a half hour earlier to go to the shop with him. I was supposed to take him to his brother's and then I was supposed to drive out to Scottsdale to give my cousin her Nine Inch Nails tickets.

Poker Face needs a new car.

I turn on Southern and then turn on Val Vista and then head to the 60 and head west and make it to McClintock in Tempe before I realize that Bret was probably reminding me about picking up Poker Face as I was headed back to bed earlier. Bret needs to learn English. Or, at least, how not to mumble it.

Poker Face is pissed, but I don't find that out yet because he's not at his house but already at the shop, and at the shop he slams my door as he gets into my truck and I take him to his brother's but we don't talk.

I take the 60 to the 101 and I reach Nina's before noon and she's really excited about the tickets and we talk movies and what just came out and I explain how I can't go see anything tonight because Dean, Bret, Terrence and I are going to the ASU game against Northwestern tonight but maybe Sunday afternoon.

We talk about the party last night and how good the coke was and how that was the first time she tried meth, but she thinks she didn't like it, and we talk about who we hadn't seen in awhile and then Nina tells me about Camilla.

Her name is Camilla

I don't tell Nina that I've been seeing this girl around campus and that Stoke was talking to her at a coffeehouse and that I couldn't strike up the nerve enough to ask Stoke her name because I was too busy playing uninterested and how I might be in love with her and that I always dream of her and that I know Nina's talking about the same girl because Nina says she has pretty red lips and that she's tall and she just moved here from Albequerque and that she and Dana and Jill are going to go shopping with Camilla and her roommate, Tara, soon and that she has to leave, so she has to get ready, so I have to go.

Camilla.

I think about her name all the way home, except when I stop to get gas on the Res because it's cheaper than 3 bucks there.

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This is an exerpt from a book I'm writing. It's called Drunk On Clever. The main character is Rex Hauer (like: lawyer). No one calls him that anyway. They call him Hauer. He lives in Mesa, goes to ASU and parties with his roommates and friends. He's pretty cocky, but never in his inner monologue, and it all comes to bite him in the butt later on. Mostly from a girl he meets and tries to date named Camilla. (This name could change. I want an obscure name but a classy one. Think: Lux, Persephone, etc.) I just think it would be fun to write about characters in and around Metropolitan Phoenix. Keep in mind my major influence is Bret Easton Ellis (One character is named after him) but I hope to not write characters without hope and have my characters be a bit more driven. Let me know if even this little bit is remotely interesting.

[Stoke-on-Trent]

Here are several more exerpts, if people are interested, and the order in which they appear in the book:
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Chapter Two tells about Hauer being a jerk from high school on into college.


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A Jerk and How



"You'd've thought Cher died, the little fag was crying so much", I told my buddies out behind the bleachers.

Of course, I was talking about Beau and, of course, I was talking to Rodney, Page, and Ferg, who some say are surgically attached to my hip. They were all laughing, when they weren't blowing beer out their noses, of course.

"Man, it's so wierd." Dan Page says taking a quick swig of his bottleneck and who always decides to change the subject. "Six more months and we'll be out of this shithole."

He was talking about Mountain View. My high school. Where I was somewhat of a king and where it seemed I had an abundance of jokers.

"Well," I say, "six more months and you'll be easing your shithole over some fat cock out East."

"Fuck you, man!" Page blasts back. "Cardon U. ain't an artsy school like Berkeley." I hate his fucking Lehi country drawl. "At least, I ain't staying here."

He says that to get a rise out of me even though he should know I was joking about East coast schools. They aren't completely full of fags. I don't know why it would irk me that I'm going to ASU but for some reason it does, but the feeling is completely replaced when I remember how much I plan to party. And how much I plan to stay a king. And how much time I'll never have to spend behind bleachers drinking beer, when I should be in second period, because I can legally buy it then.

"You shit stains are all gonna flunk out anyway," Rodney says because his parents are poor and he never had an interest in college anyway.

"At least we can afford to flunk out every year and any year we want, Roddo!" Page says getting in Rodney's face. I'm pretty sure Page came to school already smashed and he's had four more beers out here, since then.

Rodney just rolls his eyes and pretends he didn't hear him and turns to me and asks me about Nicole who even though is his cousin hasn't talked to him since they moved to North Glendale last summer. I tell him she's doing ok and that I don't really talk to her that often anymore because we finally broke up a few weeks ago and that I didn't want to bother telling anyone because for one, it's not anyone's fucking business and two, she was the hottest looking girl I ever dated and I'll never fuck a sweeter pussy.

Rodney laughs, even though it's wierd that it's his cousin he's laughing about and Ferguson and Page who had been wrestling behind us turn to ask what the fuck we were laughing about.

"Ain't you never seen two hunks in a love embrace?" Page replies with a smirk keeping up with the cliche guy homo talk.

I decide I'm right about Page riding cock out East and I tell them to get up because we're going for cigarrettes and so we leave but I never stop at a gas station and I keep driving and get on the superstition and cruise to I-10 and then take the 17 up to Glendale and furthur north until we find Nicole's high school and we park.

A bell goes off as we walk on campus and people come pouring out of the various buildings in droves. We hadn't anticipated lunchtime and I begin to get worried, so much that I actually make the joke about finding a needle in a haystack and we decide instead to comb the parking lots for Nicole's blue mustang. It isn't long before we see Nicole and four of her girlfriends and three guys, one of whom is suction-cupped to Nicole's mouth. My inside stove must be on high because I can feel my blood boiling instantly and I know Ferguson senses it because he says, "Dude, we're totally gonna kick some ass."

She still hasn't recognized us and I walk toward their group. It seems the rest of the world has become void of noise because all I hear are the eight shoes furiously headed for battle. Nicole looks up from her lip lock and her bright eyes can't keep me from pushing away her make-out partner and throwing him to the floor and pounding his gut with my Doc Martens. I'm kind of glad I wasn't wearing my Kenneth Cole's. I hear Nicole screaming and a couple of "What the fuck's" but I'm not currently interested in opinions and I know the weight of the hands of my shoulders behind me are Nicole's but she was always my smallest girlfriend so her actions are in vain. The kid actually gets up and starts to swing at me and I feel Nicole let go as the kid's fist brushes past my chin and I uppercut the punk and he's back down on the ground again. I'm breathing pretty heavy, actually, trying to catch my breath and it's then when I start to look around and notice my buddies at war with the other North Glendale chumps and girls are crying and holding onto each other and a crowd has gathered, a pretty fucking big crowd, and I grab Nicole's hand, look into her eyes, say, "Come with us" and collect my friends and ride out of the parking lot.

I think we might have to quit football.



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A few chapters later Hauer sees an old friend who he spent countless hours in high school spreading rumors about and he reminisces about the last time they talked.




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"Midgets are scary," I say totally serious. I take a drag off my cigarrette and explain, "They can hide anywhere."

Beau is still not finished rolling the joint.

"And what about fat people? They're basically shapeshifters."

Beau laughs. He licks the paper and whispers, "We're not even high yet."

"True." I take another drag.

We're sitting on the swings on the playground of our old elementary school and it's the summer between our sophmore and junior years of high school. I look at Beau and I think of when we first started being friends and I realize it's been so long that I can't even remember and I wonder if we'll always stay buddies but movement far behind Beau distracts me and I can vagualy see the silhouette of a man sort of hunched over walking by at the end of the field behind the fence.

"Hey, that guy looks like a turtle!" I yell.

Beau finishes the joint and looks up and laughs. I laugh. And soon we are both laughing hard and I'm sure the echo allows the man to hear everything even though we should be quieter since it's dark and late and we're illegally camped out on city property.

Beau is still laughing and staring at the man and then his face changes and he looks like he's trying to get a clear look at the man and he's squinting and he turns to me and he stays quiet.

He actually gulps.

I feel the mood drastically change and it kind of freaks me out but I smile anyway.

"Are we going to smoke that?" I ask still smiling even though Beau looks a little more than just a little upset and it's making me confused and uneasy. I flick the butt of my cigarrette into the sand.

He stands up and it startles me and hands me the joint and his lighter and looks at me all serious like I just ran over his dog and says, "We're not even high yet."

And I'm pretty sure that's the last thing I've ever heard him say.



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Many months later and many chapters later at the end of a chapter. Hauer and Camilla have dated often, little does Hauer know, but Camilla is also dating the old friend of Hauer's who hates him. This is the end of the conversation, the confession, if you will, of Camilla.



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I see Camilla folding her arms and I know the shit has just hit the fan.

"You just love feeling so smart, Hauer. So sly. So ingenious. It's almost like a high to you thinking you've somehow outsmarted someone or bested everyone in the most mundane situations. It's pathetic. And to me, it's just mean-spiritedness. You exude bad energy, Hauer!"

This made me smile.

"And always with the grin! That stupid fucking grin! You grin like a frat boy who managed to sneak a pee somewhere in the house without anyone at the party knowing. Oh, he feels so clever. Because he's drunk and he managed to somehow do something clever. But to us, it was something stupid. But, you're not stupid, Hauer, and you're not drunk. No. I take that back. You are drunk. Except, you're not drunk on beer; you're drunk on clever!"

I stopped my stupid fucking grinning. She was right. And that bothered me. Not that I'd ever stop feeling clever. Or even stop getting drunk on the feeling, for that matter. Because, hey, it does feel so good. But it bothered me that how I felt could hurt someone I cared so much about. Someone I actually respected. Someone I actually looked up to. Someone I should never make to feel like dirt. Because I think I love her. Could I ever repair this?

"I think you remember Beau Thacker." She sounds more calm. "I'm dating Beau Thacker, Hauer. I met him before I met you and I couldn't tell you because...because...I couldn't tell you."

She's been dating Beau Thacker!?, I scream in my head. Is this what they call irony? Or is it like when a black fly is in your White Zinfadel?

I don't say anything. I'm too mad and too busy trying not to look mad because I really still love her. I get in her face.

"Cunt."

I leave her at my house and I drive away. I press the beautiful images of that lovely girl from my mind and I remember Bret mumbled something last night about another party at Wanda's.



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The VERY NEXT CHAPTER! Yep, the events following take place right after the last paragraph!


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I've probably been drinking now for three hours but only for two at the party. Everyone is there. Everyone who matters. And the best thing is the party has no cunts, like Camilla. I think this thought just as I step onto the back patio to see Dori talking to Nina and Dana and Jill and some black girl with dreadlocks who I've never met before are trading off a bong.

Okay.

One cunt.

I think I can handle the one, that stupidfuckingbitch Dori, and I wonder why Jake isn't with her but then I remember seeing him walk down the side of the house earlier with Sven Anderson and that Jason kid, who they say smokes the skin pipe, but I know they are going back there to deal something harsh and the memory of me and Sean Bailey drunk at boy's camp flashes across my mind. I head back inside trying to avoid Dori even though she's dating Jake, and I see Bret and Terrence asking the DJ about his music and Terrence has a pocket shaped like a CD case and I know they're stealing again.

I steal a cigarrette from the shirt pocket of the skinny Russian dude passed out under the staircase and I add to the smoke that's become stagnant in the kitchen. People are passing me trying to reach the keg before it empties but all I can think about is some more wine and so I open up the fridge. Ingrid, Wanda's roommate, scoots me back as she grabs a TGI Friday's Pina Colada mix and a tray of jello shots and I'm left staring and smiling at a fat bottle of White Zinfadel.

I must've passed out but I don't think that's possible because I'm standing, actually leaning, against a washer or maybe a dryer and I can feel the coolness of the air on my bare legs and I realize my pants are down around my ankles and someone is sucking me off. I throw my head back and take a swig of the large bottle of wine I realize is in my hand and I look down again and the fuzziness fades to reveal that it's Wanda, ugly Wanda, but that I don't care because it feels so good and I had heard ugly Wanda gave the best head. I come in her mouth and she swallows everything and then she gets up and puts her dress back on and takes a rolled up bill that had been lying on the washer next to me and she snorts one long ass line of the two that are ready. She smiles, winks at me and opens the pantry door. I hear some old Coolio song swell up and then it's muffled again as she slides the door shut behind her. I laugh at the situation as only a drunk man like myself could and then I do the other line. I think I pull up my pants and I think I made my way out into the party because the next memory I have is being upstairs and seeing someone who resembles Dori and saying something to her about old times because she's alone and mascara is running down her face and I realize she's actually on the pot taking a crap and I only know this because I was angry that someone had locked the upstairs bathroom.

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The damn Backstreet Boys wake me up and I find myself on the floor of a dark room, dark because a sheet covers the window, and as I look around the room for the alarm radio to smash, I realize I'm next to a bed and in the bed is Dori. I stand up and realize the sheet I'm wrapped up in are from the bed, as was I, until the alarm radio woke me up and I fell out. I find the alarm radio across the room and I turn it off before they say "I want it that way" one more time and see that it's 1 o'clock in the afternoon and that I must've gone home with Dori last night after the party, but I can't understand why.

Dori yawns and turns over and looks up at me and smiles.

"Thanks for getting that, babe." She sits up.

She stretches.

I just stare at her, too afraid to ask why I'm here and too afraid to try to think of why I would agree to go home with Dori. I think to myself, this can't have happened. I love Camilla. At least I hope to and I think of Camilla's face and I start to get a little hard. Dori sees my swelling and smiles and tells me how Jake has a bigger head but that mine is longer and fatter and she reaches out to grab it. I keep thinking of Camilla but I don't move my body away and I let Dori play with my boner until she makes me come and I grab my shorts and pants and shirt and yell, "You're a horrible fuck!" as I fly out the door.

"Liar!" I think she says.

I decide to myself that Jake left Dori for that fag, Jason.



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I bet the biggest question everyone has is how on earth can a girl get back together with a guy who has called her a cunt to her face. Is that possible? Would Camilla ever consider leaving Beau to date Hauer and only Hauer? And why would she when she loves Beau? Hauer and Camilla are meant for each other. This isn't supposed to be how the story goes. Well, you'll have to wait a while when I post more exerpts to find out how this gets resolved and if it does. Or maybe the book will get published by then and you can find out when you buy it, right? Heh heh.

---Stoke-on-Trent

P.S. Yep I know people don't come here that often so I'm assuming it'll be months before I get a reply, but that's fine. If you have anything to say about this, whether you like it, love it, or think that it's shitty, please let me know. I really need honest criticism.