'Bakers, Scripts.

[Myles-Long]

Chris told me to put the scripts up on the forum
Even though only two of us actually go to Anna Bakers.
Enjoy.


Chris D: Hey, d’you remember school?
All: Oh, yes of course, what a laugh that was!
Myles: Yes, what great memories I have from all that one year ago!
Hamish: Ah, but doesn’t it feel great being out of that ugly, rancid, stinking place at last?
Oscar: I’m still in school...
Josh: Shuddup! Ah, and remember register?
Chris H.: Ah, of course! All you had to say was “here”! Easiest lesson ever!
Josh: Yes! Just like this: (Pulls out Mime Notepad) Hamish?
Hamish: Conitua!
Josh: Oscar?
Oscar: Aloha, amigos!
Chris H: Stop speaking French, yer ponce!
Josh: Myles?
Myles: (Chicken noise)
Josh: And Chris?
Chris D and Chris H: Yma!
(Josh mimes putting Welsh Not on both Chrises at once)
Chris H: Oh, Welsh Not!
Chris D: Damia!
(As Chris H mimes pulling off the Welsh Not and walks towards stage right, everyone else goes into freezeframe)
Josh: And remember the teacher’s pets – the prefects?
(Myles walks forward out of freezeframe)
Myles: I’m a prefect because I’m PERFECT! Woof! (Pelvic thrust optional)
(Walks back into freezeframe)
Josh: Yes, whenever he caught us talking in class, he would get the teacher to hit us with sticks!
(CD+O talking)
Myles: Sir! Over here!
(H comes on and attacks CD+O with mime before freezeframe)
Chris H: And whenever we were to lick the lid of life, we would be blasted with the fire hose!
(H starts going off, CD and O make licking motions)
Myles: Wait, sir! They’re licking it! They’re licking it like mad things!
Hamish: Prefect, hold my hose!
Myles: With pleasure, sir!
(H+M hold mimehose and laugh, CD+O get mimedrenched. Eventually M stops laughing and freezes)
Hamish: Prefect, why have you stopped maniacally laughing?
Myles: I’m sorry, sir! I assumed the flashback was over and we’d go into a sort of freezeframe!
Hamish: Prefect, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever h-
(All freeze)
Josh: Yes, prefects, eh? Got any more memories?
CH: No, that’s it.
Josh: Oh.
CH: Remembering stuff’s hard when you’re sixteen.
Josh: Shall we let the next pair take over?
CH: OK. (CH+J walk into freezeframe, M+H take their place)
H: You know, my school was very strict about equality.
M: Really?
H: Ah, yes! You know in my day, if we answered more than three correct questions in a row, we were secretly assassinated by the government?
CD: One plus one?
CH: Two!
CD: Two minus one!
(CH looks around flustered. Josh holds up hand with index finger up)
CH: One!
CD: Is that three questions?
(CH looks around flustered again, J holds up two fingers this time)
CH: No, it’s two, sir!
CD: That’s three!
(Oscar comes onstage and puts his hand to CH’s mouth, bringing him down to the ground as CH “dies”. Freezeframe.)
M: Well, our school didn’t believe in equality at all! You know, anytime we brothe1 at the same time as an prefect, we would be thrown out of an eighth story window! (Hamish’s expression barely changes) WHILE it was raining! (Hamish suddenly shocked)
CD: Hey, did you just breathe at the same time as Hamish?
J: Well, yes, but I thought it was just a –
CD: Assassin, what are conditions like outside?
O: Welsh.
CD: Perfect! Help me with this, will you?
(O+CD carry J stage right)
H: God, look at the time! We’d better let the other pair come on and remember stuff!
M: Yes! I hope I’m not the prefect character any more, the double-entendres were getting old...
(O+CD come back on and take the memory space)
CD: Some of the rules were just odd, though, weren’t they?
O: Yes! If we were to sniff the teacher’s w...allet, we would be thrown into the alligator pit! And we didn’t even HAVE an alligator pit!
(H+M whisper for a while and then go over to sniff CH’s wallet as he remains lying on the floor from the assassination)
CH: AHA!
(J comes back on from SR, J and CR pick up M and H and throw them offstage)
(H throws shoe back onstage)
[[M: (from offstage) Excuse me, why did you just throw my shoe onstage?
H: Well, I just assumed that –
M: That was a really nice shoe! It’s not even as if there are any alligators back here!
H: Sorry.]] (Square brackets are optional dialogue)
CD: And if we were to get in a fight of any kind, they would force us to take part in the most low-budget show in North Wales, which didn’t even have a plot! It was just a bunch of sketch shows and musical theatre numbers one after the other!
(pause)
O: Still, it was a good punch-up, wasn’t it?

CD: Do you remember when....
(Everyone but CD sighs and walks off)
CD: I was going to say when we went to Alton Towers...
(Everyone walks back on)
CD: Too late now!
(Everyone walks off looking miserable)

[Leanbullet]

Ah our last good sketch still everything comes to an end!