Forever Fallen, The Chronicles of Seras

[Seras Amadis]

Year Processed: 521ARE
Transcribed By: Grand Archivist Immanuel Zimmer
Facility: Ossus
Source: Datacard [damaged]
Format: Audio [Holo-aural encoding: 802.010 spec. A]
Internal Document Title: Lost Journal of Master Amadis [302ARE-307ARE]
ADS Code: Amadis_018b_v185_R
Permissions: Restricted – Council level crypt-key access only

[Entry 1]

[Amadis] Umm, okay? Is that... crap... it's on. Alright. [clears throat] Hi. I'm doing this from the sloop. I just said bye to everyone, well... those that cared enough to say goodbye. I didn't think there would be that many and I was right. Xi was there... of course he was there, Master Marin, a couple others. A brief farewell for the problem Padawan. Master Stone... I knew he wouldn't show. Guess it just proves me right about him. He never cared, not really, not in any meaningful way. I already miss you, Xi. I know you're going to miss me too. I wish you could have come with me but... well [shallow laughter] I have to do this alone and I don't think that you would like what I have to do. It doesn't matter though, in the end none of it matters. I know what I have to do. I have to do what the Force asks of me.

[8 seconds of silence]

[Amadis] So, here I am, on my way to begin my new life, my new life in the Medcorps. I wanted to document it, make a record of my – and this word sucks and I hate to use it, but – adventure. It'll be quite the adventure, yes it will. I'm leaving the Hapes Cluster. An automated sloop is taking me from Shedu Maad to Terephon. There are not many publicly operated shuttles leaving Shedu Maad. Terephon's a little bigger there so I'll be taking a commercial shuttle from the space port to Columex. I have a twenty-seven hour layover there and then I'll be boarding a passenger liner headed for my final destination of Trogan. I am supposed to begin my new life of service to the Medcorps there. I guess the Council really wanted me out the way. Out of sight, out of mind... I think that's how it goes. Trogan... [loud sigh] I never even heard of the world before.

I've thought about how I'm going to start my work. I've thought about it almost non-stop since I knew I had to leave. I was worried when Master Marin pried the secret from me. I was worried that it was a mistake to trust her with my mission. She doubted me, like all the others, she doubted me. She thought I was crazy... that the Force had touched my mind and broken me. I guess I couldn't blame her really. If I didn't know what I had accomplished in the shadow of the Leviathan, I wouldn't have believed me either. But the Force was on my side and saw fit for me to leave their co...

[FILE CORRUPTED]

[Amadis] ...don't know how I'm going to go about this. So many ideas and many of them seem to end badly in my mind. I've got to be careful, so very careful. My stomach is turning just thinking about it. It's times like these that I wish Xi had come with. He always knew how to brighten my day. But that's just wishful thinking now. I'm alone and that's not changing any time soon. I'm already taking my life in my hands in doing this. I couldn't involve anyone else in my folly.

I can't help but think that I'm making a big mistake. Pretty much everyone in the Order doesn't think I'll last long on the outside. I know I'm a pacifist and I know the Galaxy can be a violent place. But that can't be everything, can it? There have to be good people out there, people who aren't consumed by violence and bloodshed. I'm going to prove them wrong, all of them. I'm going to be fine... they'll see. Death doesn't scare me. Not anymore. Not since I peered past the veil and saw the wonder beneath. I may die... I'm not stupid. I know this... be it at the hands of some lowlife criminal or by my own actions. Or perhaps the Jedi will come after me? [short laugh] I doubt it will take them long to realise I never made my destination. But I trust in the Force to keep me safe from harm and guide me on my path.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 2]

[Amadis] I have done it. I actually did it. [laughs] I almost didn't though. Rumi was kind enough to return me to Columex for my next flight. We parted, saying our goodbyes and then she was gone... another goodbye. I wonder how many of those are waiting for me in the future. It seems that I'm always saying goodbye. After all that was done, I claimed my ticket to Trogan, went through security and waited at the embarkation gate for the passenger liner. A knot formed in my stomach as I waited and as the seconds passed into minutes and the minutes into hours, my unease grew. I knew the time was now but I was afraid. I was having second thoughts.

Through that gate was my new life; peaceful, safe, secure. Everything that I could possibly want or ever need was through that gate. I just had to wait. But waiting was like a knife twisting in my gut. Deep down, I knew what I had to do... where I was really needed. The MedCorps didn't need me. I'm sure that I would have fit in with them in time and maybe even grown to like it there, but that wasn't for me. Still I hesitated. Then the boarding call went out and it was really now or never. I stood like the rest and walked towards the embarking gate. I stopped short and let the people pass me by and board the liner. My destiny was not through there.

It was then and only then that I mustered the courage to turn my back and walk away. Up until then it had only been a flight of fantasy, a dream that would remain just that. The easiness of it all was a strong temptation. There was no failure through that gate, just healing... and I know people won't understand my decision. But it is mine to make and I know I have chosen right. The MedCorps could have used someone with my talents. I could have saved a good many lives. But that number was tiny compared to what I know I am capable of. They will understand my decision in time. The Force will show them my choice and prove me right. I know it.

But now I am committed to my quest. There is no turning back, not now. Now I know I could only look forward. I turned on my heels and marched back to departures to disappear. I don't want any chance of the Jedi following me. I feel guilty even thinking that and planning for it makes my skin crawl. I feel like a traitor. But they have left me no alternative. I didn't have much money and I didn't care much for my destination, my only wish was to be away from the Jedi.

The hololithic projections had many destinations leaving Columex today, many were too expensive, but I eventually found a mega-liner that was primed for Coruscant. The trip will take many days and will be stopping at Roche, Taanab, and Brentaal before continuing on to the galactic capital. I've never seen Coruscant before. I hear it's beautiful. The spires peak above the clouds and in the morning the reflected light is like a million diamonds glistening in gold, or at least that's what they say. Of course I'll see it a little differently, but I'm sure it will be just as beautiful. I'm looking forward to it. I have my ticket and the liner leaves within the hour. I'm going to try and get some sleep.

[Entry 3]

[Amadis] I'm writing this from the orbital docks above Taanab. Something was wrong with the hyperdrive and they needed to check it out before we could continue. There's a couple hundred annoyed and grumpy travellers waiting in the terminal for the ship to be fixed. I can see the frustration in their hearts. No one likes their travel plans to be interrupted and even I am worried by this but I am doing my best not to let it get to me. I had hoped to be on Coruscant and disappeared long before my absence was noted. [sigh] But there isn't anything I can do about that. Coruscant is a big place. I think the last count put the population at a trillion. It's the perfect place to not be found.

I've just heard that they need to wait for a part before they repair the hyperdrive engines. It's being rushed but won't be here until tomorrow morning. I tried to ask what the problem was, but the explanation was far above me. Nothing left to do but wait now. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. I should be better for it in the morning where I hope we can continue on our way to Coruscant. I will deal with the possibility of a longer layover tomorrow. Maybe they will be able to arrange alternate transport if the liner is still dead. I think that's the least they can do in a situation like this.

[Entry 4]

[Amadis] It's morning now. The courier with the part we needed to get on our way has come and gone, but we're still not on our way. My fellow passengers are getting more and more frustrated. A few with the means to do so have found their own connections off the planet. I would be tempted to do so also if I had the credits. I think I could afford it, just barely, but this is all I have left and I don't want to waste it. Liner company representatives have been making the rounds and offering apologies and saying that they were doing all they could to rectify the situation. People are still angry and frustrated. I wish they would stop broadcasting their emotions so loudly. It's tiring to have to block the negativity that washes from them. It feels like I'm a rock jutting from a sea and the breakers keep smashing against me. But like the rock I persevere... [nervous laughter] at least I hope I will.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 5]

[Amadis] I've finally made it to Coruscant! I was beginning to think that I never would see this place. I had been ever so worried about leaving Taanab, worried that the Order would catch up to me... or Force forbid, that they were behind the hyperdrive malfunction and stalling me. But that was just my nerves getting to me. [sigh] I need to be stronger than that if I am to survive and fulfil my purpose. I can't let things like that get to me. I was being my own worst enemy. The Order knows nothing of where I am and the likelihood of them finding me is astronomical. But I cannot let myself get lazy and make mistakes and I must always remember that they can draw upon the Force as well as... no, better... than I can. While the Force may protect me with one hand, it could just as easily betray me with the other. I have to be smart.

But enough of that... Coruscant! Finally! Now that I am here, I don't know what to do first. The passenger liner arrived in the small hours of the morning and although excited, the trip had been hard. I wanted nothing more than to sleep as I had gotten precious little rest on the liner. There were ample hostels and hotels beside the spaceport, but I thought better of staying in one of them for the night. That would be the first place they'd check [laughter] and I would be embarrassed if they were to take me as I slept a stone's throw from the spaceport.

So I walked.

I don't know how long I walked for, or how far for that matter. The streets of Coruscant are a honeycomb of steel and duracrete, a modern day labyrinth. I don't know how anyone can find their way amongst the buildings with their winding skywalks and covered pavilions. I doubt that even a natural citizen of this world could know every street and alley. If I didn't know better I would venture that Coruscant is purposely confusing and designed to vex travellers and natives alike. I eventually found a small hostel that I considered far enough off the main avenues to avoid discovery. Whether or not that holds true still remains to be seen, but I am confident that I will not be found.

[FILE CORRUPTED]

...I should sleep now and tomorrow I begin will my work. Tomorrow I shall unlock the secrets of death and master them. [yawn] I do hope that I can sleep. I may be too excited for my own good.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 6]

[Amadis] I awoke hungry this morning and went out to get provisions. I didn't buy much, everything is so expensive on Coruscant. Thinking about it, I guess I can see the reason why. Everything on this world has to be imported, there is no arable land left, every square kilometre has been claimed by the planet city's sprawl. I will have to budget ruthlessly to make my little purse last. I had not anticipated this. [frustrated sigh] ...so stupid. I left in such a hurry and spent a good deal of credits to reach Coruscant, that I had not considered how I would feed myself. The Order has always provided my meals... and my housing. If I don't think of something soon, I will be homeless and starving.

I should have been smarter. I should have chose somewhere with a lower cost of living, somewhere cheap. I had thought to lose myself in the population of Coruscant and I think I have done just that. The Order will never find me if I starve on the streets. [soft laughter] Oh Xi... I hope you are well and not doing anything stupid. I wish you were here. You'd know what we should do... what I should do.

But you're not. You couldn't come. I wouldn't have you throwing away your life for my dreams. It wouldn't have been fair. You are a kind soul, but I know you would object to what I have to do. You're too much like them in that way. They're all blinded by their misgivings and scepticisms. But I know what I have to do and you would not understand. Despite what you said back in my quarters back on Shedu Maad, you would still try and stop me. I'm sure it would hurt you to do so, but you are still a Jedi. And that makes me sad, oh so very sad. I thought I could be happy for you. I guess I am, in a way. But I'm more selfish than I would openly admit. I still think about that kiss, Xi. I know that I should forget you and the Order and leave my past behind me. I know it's for the best. I hate you for making leaving so difficult. If only you had shunned me like the rest... if only. Good bye, Xi. [quiet sobs]

[Entry 7]

[Amadis] So I have to leave the hotel today. I've looked at my finances and I could stay for three days more, but then I would have exhausted all my funds. I have to find somewhere cheaper. I've asked the landlord and he seemed to understand my situation. He kindly recommended a few cheaper options. I've looked over those rates as well and at the lowest rate I could maybe make my money go twice as far. Six days then. I guess five if I take into account food? It's not long. I have to be out by midday, so I'm going to use the last few hours here to meditate. The Force will show me what to do.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 8]

[Amadis] I walked four hours after leaving the hotel. It's hard to say how far I actually went because the streets are so congested and it seems to take at least twice as long to get anywhere as you first thought. I passed the Jedi Temple on my way. I hadn't known I was so close and the fear I felt upon seeing the building chilled me deep down. I don't know why it had such an impact on me. I guess I thought that this would be the end, that a hundred Jedi would swarm from the doors and arrest me or kill me. I stood staring, I couldn't move. But then nothing happened and as nothing continued to happen for a few moments more, I forced myself to relax. In those brief few seconds I had forgotten the Order had abandoned the temple during our retreat. There could have been a caretaker or two, but that was it, and they cared little about me.

I felt like I was flying under their noses and edged closer to the temple. I had been here once or twice before and I remember the awe I felt as I approached and saw the majesty of the building. It was just as beautiful as I remember, even if it had fallen a little into disrepair. But I guess that was to be expected of an abandoned temple. But I noticed something was missing. The building felt similar, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Then it hit me. The awe I felt was missing. The sight of the building no longer moved me or filled me with hope. It was just a shell... an empty husk. The emptiness was too much to bear and I shivered in the sunlight. I left and continued on my way, but the emptiness I felt inside remained. I tried to dismiss the thought and think of something else. I tried to busy my mind with what I would do next, how I would feed myself when my credits run out, how I would secure bodies for my work, the conditions of my new residence, but it was no good. I could only think of the emptiness of the temple and the hole it left inside me.

Then I felt suddenly angry and then ashamed of the anger I felt. For a moment I was a Padawan again and quickly suppressed the dangerous emotion. But then I remembered who I was and who I wasn't any more. I could feel angry if I wanted. I felt liberated. And instead of quelling the emotion, I let it run its course. Just allowing myself to do that felt strange and alien and I found myself instinctually regaining control even when I didn't want to. They had drilled us so well into hiding what we were truly feeling that it was ingrained and almost an instinct.

I walked aimless for a while and began to wonder where I would have been and what I would have done if the Jedi had not taken me when I was a baby. Where would I have lived? Would I have been close to my parents? What would I be doing for a living? Would I have a boyfriend? Or married? Would I have children? Would I have been happy? I thought about what could have been and the life the Jedi robbed from me, but imagining such things came difficult to me. I had no perspective into ordinary lives. I was of the Order and that was my life. Imagining what could have been was pointless and futile. It would get me nothing.

I had gotten lost as I thought about those things and it took me an hour or more to find my new hotel. It was almost dusk and I was tired by then. My journey had taken me deeper into Coruscant's lower levels. I was still in a reputable area, but the levels were amongst the clouds. It was muggy and cold and mist covered everything. [laugh] But that wouldn't be a problem for me. But I didn't want to go any deeper than this. I had heard terrifying rumors about what happened in the darkness below the clouds. Courscant glittered above the clouds, but it was diseased below.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 9]

[Amadis] I have spent the last two days looking for employment. It hasn't gone well. I expected it would be easy to find somewhere to work and again I find myself in error. I had never thought about work before, just as I had never thought about money. The Order put me where I could best serve. I learnt to be a healer and I was content in that. Out here though, things are different. I tried to get work at a doctor's office. I didn't get past the angry woman at reception. She asked me where I studied. I didn't have a degree or certification. The Jedi taught me, but without a piece of paper saying I am qualified, I wouldn't have a chance. I asked if there was another place she could recommend. It was then she laughed at me. I felt terrible and I didn't understand what was funny.

She told me that no one would hire me without a degree from an accredited medical university or a licence to practice. I left angry and upset. I walked for a bit and ended up just sitting on a wall for a while. I guess I could understand it from their perspective, but it didn't make the decision any easier to accept. They had no reason to hire me. I think if I could have demonstrated my skill they would have reconsidered, but I would have needed the accreditation to demonstrate that. It's brutally circular. I picked myself up and decided to try another. After visiting three other surgeries with much the same results, I gave up. I knew I would have to look for alternatives.

Things were simpler in the Order. I can see that now. But I knew this wouldn't be easy. If I had wanted the easy life I would have joined the MedCorps. At least then I would have been able to heal. [groan] I can't think like that. I can't let this get to me. The Force has a plan for me and it will provide. I simply need to have faith and keep my options open. I have three days left at this place, then I will be homeless. I need to find something soon. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of being right. I won't do it.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 10]

[Amadis] My attempts to find work have all ended in failure. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I have been cutting back to save credits. I have to leave tomorrow. I have resorted to only eating one meal a day in an effort to save what little I have left. It's working for all the good it has done me. Now I'm always hungry. I started just eating breakfast, but I was so hungry come the evening that I couldn't sleep. It only took a few nights of that before I decided to switch to only eating dinner. I'm still so hungry by mid-day that it hurts, but at least I can try and do something to distract my mind from the hunger. Meditation helps, but I cannot devote enough time to it, not when I shall soon be homeless and starving very soon. But at least I can get a good night sleep if I can stop worrying.

I don't know how people can live like this. I've never had to worry where my next meal would come from or what would happen if I didn't have enough credits to keep a roof over my head. I knew these problems existed, but they were so far removed from the Order that I could forget they existed. I lived a pampered life within the Order and outcast myself before I had thought it through. I should have done things differently. [deep sigh] I sometimes wish that I never left.

[inaudible mumbling]

[Amadis] …but I can't think like that. I can't feel sorry for myself. Whatever mistakes I had made in leaving the Order and setting out on my own, I can't look back. I can't sit here and wallow in self-pity and let these obstacles stand in my way. I will not allow them to derail my mission… my calling. These are my trials and I will overcome them. I can't look back. I won't. I have to move forward. If I keep my mind on my ultimate goal and focus on that, I will be okay. I will be okay.

I. Will. Be. Okay. [sigh] … no, no I won't.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 11]

[Amadis] So I have excellent news! I'm not homeless! And... and this is the big one, I am employed! But I was ever so close to being so, so close that it terrified me. I don't know how I would have survived otherwise. Force... what would I have done? Would I have put aside my pride and... and... everything and begged the Order to take me back? Or would I have been my stubborn and foolish self and lived on the streets to die a slow and lingering death? Perhaps it's best that I not answer that aloud.

But onto why I'm not homeless now. It was my last day at the hotel and I was trying to think what I would do. I sat there on the small bed for a long time. I was weighing my options... what few I had. My checkout time had arrived and I gathered my things. I waited a moment longer, regretting everything and savouring the last few seconds I would live in warmth and security. I wished I was back with the Order. At least then I wouldn't have had to deal with this.

Checking out, I figured I didn't have anything to lose and decided to ask the landlord to have mercy on me and let me stay another night. I already knew the answer, but I would have regretted not asking when I was cold and hungry tonight. The request made him awkward and he shook his head. He told me he couldn't do that. I understood, but I was desperate, so desperate that I was considering influencing his decision with the Force. But luckily I didn't have to resort to that. I would have hated to do so.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was speaking again, the words just fell from my mouth and I was telling him everything. Well, not really everything. I lied in a few places and misrepresented the truth. I didn't want him to know that I used to be a Jedi, only that I was in trouble and needed his kindness. It wasn't really a lie... the story was true and I did need his help. I told him that I had been forced out of my home and no one wanted me there. I said I had run away and that I had no money or food, and that if he turned me out I would surely die.

I could tell my words had moved him, but he hesitated. It hadn't been enough. I felt his pity and he shook his head, explaining that times were tough for everyone and he couldn't take on a charity case. I shook my head almost immediately and told him that I didn't want charity, that I was a hard worker, and that I only wanted a chance. This swayed him a little and I could feel him thinking. His heart wanted to help, but he couldn't justify it. I was running out of things to say, I was becoming desperate. I said I could work at the hotel.

The idea was considered and I felt his mind wonder as he thought it over. The apprehension was painful and he eventually shook his head again. I was defeated again, but then he cleared his throat and told me that he knew a guy that was looking for someone. He warned me that it wouldn't pay well or be glamorous, but it was work. I don't think I had ever been so happy in my life. He checked something on his terminal and jotted an address and directions on a piece of flimsy, saying that he would call ahead for me.

I didn't know how to thank him as I took the address. I sputtered 'thank you' at least twenty times. He felt awkward at my gratitude and rubbed his neck. He didn't think he had done much, but he saved me from destitution. I thanked him some more and left quickly, eagerness filled my stomach and I was no longer hungry.

It took a long while to find the address and I got lost more than once. In that time my mind turned against me and became negative. My hunger returned. As I walked, I replayed the details in my treacherous mind. This job wasn't a certainty, I reminded myself. It was just an opportunity. And I would still have to see about somewhere to live... but I couldn't do that without money. Now I began to worry... and then I realized in my excitement I hadn't asked what the job was. But I couldn't be picky and told myself that I couldn't afford to turn down any work, no matter how demeaning. I used to be a healer with the Jedi Order and now I was a... what?

So I followed the address. I could no longer feel the sun on my face and I knew it wasn't that late. I was going further beneath Coruscant. I didn't want to be here... but what option did I have? Soon I was surrounded with metal and duracrete and the world seemed so much colder. I began to shy away from people, everyone seemed less friendly down here and always in a hurry. The vibes I received from a few really scared me. I found myself walking a little faster. Nothing happened though, and I eventually reached the Deltares. The name was ambiguous enough that I hadn't a clue what the establishment actually was. But much to my pleasant surprise it was a restaurant.

The place was small and clean, very modest but the food smelled good. I was so hungry then it was difficult to concentrate. The owner was a Sullustan named Dua Nebl I introduced myself and he had been expecting me. That was a relief. I had almost convinced myself that the hotel owner would not have called ahead as he had promised. Even compared to me, Dua was short. He turned out to be very reasonable and accommodating. We sat at one of the tables and he offered me a caf. I had never had caf before today and accepted readily, secretly hoping that he would also offer a meal. But he didn't.

Dua asked me my work experience and if I had worked in a kitchen before. I shook my head and said that I didn't have any. I could have said I was a healer, but that would have raised more questions and it didn't seem important for whatever he had planned for me. He didn't seem to mind, however, and told me that he was in need of a busser stroke dishwasher. This was not what I had in mind, but I nodded eagerly. A job was a job, I told myself, and I needed a job. I would have done anything at this point.

Dua asked a few more questions to gauge my personality and I answered them as honestly and as positively as possible. I was so nervous... I couldn't mess this up. He could feel him thinking, he thought for a while. Then he asked when I could start and my heart skipped a beat. I said immediately. He said tomorrow would be fine. There was something else that I needed to ask Dua and he seemed to notice my hesitance. I was reluctant to admit that I didn't have anywhere to stay, but I couldn't not say anything. I asked in a roundabout way, it was awkward and took longer than it should have, but I couldn't just come out and say that I was homeless.

My new employer nodded once he understood. I sat in silence, slightly ashamed and very hungry. It turned out that he was also the landlord of some small studio apartments and one of the units was open. I couldn't believe my luck, but I knew luck had nothing to do with it. The Force had provided for me. I took this as a good sign. Dua said that he would take the rent out of my earnings and he would get started on the paperwork.

The next few hours passed in a daze and I'm in my new apartment now. It's… small, very small. But I don't need much room, just a bed, kitchen, and fresher. It's basic and old, and the water doesn't work right, but I am in no position to complain. I've eaten too. It was the first proper meal I had since arriving. I start work tomorrow and I want to do a good job. I have to. I can't afford not to. I should get some sleep now… good night.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 12]

[Amadis] I didn't sleep very well last night, I was too anxious about today. I really must stop being so anxious about everything, it's not good for me. But everything is just so new. The Jedi never prepared me for a real life, it was always assumed that I would padawan under a master and become a knight. It was what I wanted to... well, at first anyway. I see now that that life was never for me. I hope Xi is happy. I thought about him as well last night. I wondered how his training was going. He would be a knight soon. I… I hope he's doing better without me. Sometimes he feels so close to me even though we are separated by lightyears. The Force is marvellous. Well, I can't sit here talking to you all day. I can't be late for my first day of work.

[Entry 13]

[Amadis] Work is so hard! I don't know how people do it every day! I started with a ten hour shift. Maybe hard isn't the right word… it's not difficult, just demanding. I was on my feet all day and my hands are raw from the soap and water. My back hurts too. I'm going to be so sore in the morning. But when I think of the alternative that I was facing, it doesn't seem to matter that much. I have a job, my belly is full, and I have a roof over my head. I am thankful for that.

I haven't been paid yet, but that doesn't really matter right now. Dua is so kind. He said that I can eat at the restaurant and he'll just take it out of my wages. I am so thankful that the Force led me to his door. I don't want to think what my life would have been like if I hadn't taken the chance. This apartment, in some ways it feels like Shedu Maad again. We're underground… but the metal and duracrete have a much different feel than the rock did. These are manmade caves and tunnels and it feels oppressive. There are so many people crammed down here, so many thoughts and aspirations that have turned bitter. It's distracting at the best of times. But there are good people down here and Dua is one of them. I'm so tried right now, but I'm so happy too. I should go to bed now, I have another ten hour shift tomorrow.

[Entry 14]

[Amadis] I wanted to speak a little about my coworkers. They don't seem as nice as Dua, but they work hard. It's very business-like there, Dua doesn't like it when we talk idle, so the majority of the shifts are done in silence with only work-related conversations. The majority of that happens out with the waiters and waitresses in their nice uniforms. But the kitchen is pretty busy as well. Deltares is a popular restaurant and the cooks are always busy preparing something or rushing through the orders during peak times.

Being a dishwasher, I spent the majority of my time in the kitchen and around the cooks. There's Graks the Gran, he's the head chef. He shouts a lot and keeps the kitchen orderly. Two humans, Jolii Musan and Teresa Umbary, serve as cooks. There's a Herglic named Narizt – he's a cook too. Narizt seems to keep to himself. Then there are the two junior cooks, also human, Olivar King and Alexis Dupon. Olivar reminds me a little of Xi, they would be about the same height and he always seems to be smiling.

My duties are simple and never-ending. I wash dishes. In the event that there aren't any dishes to wash, Dua has me clearing tables. The time goes quickly as I'm so busy, but it is not engaging work. This is a world away from healing. There is no concentration, no thought greater than 'Is this clean?' I shall be eternally grateful to Dua for giving me a job and a home, but this is not what the Force would have me do. Now that I have secured my survival, I can begin my studies. I have waited so long for this and to think that I am about to actually start, is both wonderful and a little intimidating. I can't wait.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 15]

[Amadis] It's my first day off today. With all I have been worrying and working, it feels odd to not have to do anything. I'm sitting in my apartment, on the bed... just sitting. I want to enjoy today, I want to do something to celebrate my new life, but I find the moment lacking... and I don't have any money. I wish Xi was here with me. I dreamt about him last night. I was on the back of the speederbike, crossing the water, and hanging on for dear life. It was just as I remembered it... fun, thrilling, a little dangerous. I could still remember how he smelt with my face buried in his back. I didn't have anything to worry about then. I knew I was safe with him and the galaxy could have burnt for all I cared. Then we were having our picknick on the beach. I don't remember getting there or anything. I kept thinking that something was wrong, it was like a feeling I couldn't place.

Then the leaves of the low hanging trees and shrubs were disturbed and Sine came and sat by us. Xi seemed happy to see him and clasped him on the shoulder. He sat down and began to eat as well. I knew this was wrong and I felt like an observer in my own head. Sine's neck was broken and slumped against his chest. His every movement was announced with a grinding of bone and the wet sound of cartilage breaking and rubbing together. I watched the scene unfold. Xi and Sine were talking about something... I can't remember what, but they were both engaged.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Sine. He stopped talking with Xi and turned his body to face me. The head lulled against his chest and swayed on the broken neck. He just smiled and swivelled back to Xi, his head thumping against his shoulder after he turned. The bones ground and popped. Xi didn't notice or didn't care. I decided to try him now. "He's dead." I said. Xi just shrugged, and continued to talk with Sine.

They were laughing now and I knew they were laughing at me. I tried to ignore it. "You're dead!" I told Sine. They both ignored me. The laughter continued. I told him again, louder this time. Then Xi looked at me like I had never felt him look at me before. I could feel his disgust washing off him in waves... slamming against me. I sunk back, afraid. They both fell silent. I didn't understand what was happening or what I had done to deserve this. I felt ashamed and angry. But like a switch was thrown, the disgust was gone and they were talking again and I was forgotten. Then the beach and Sine were gone and Xion and I were sitting on the edge of the waterfall, my head in his lap. I remembered being so happy then, but again I felt something was wrong. Then I noticed that Xi's neck was broken and slumped against his chest at a right angle. He was staring down at me, wordless and grinning. I could feel him focused intently upon me, through me. It was terrifying.

Then I woke up. I was cold and sweating and my heart was beating so quickly. I don't know what the dream was supposed to mean, if it was supposed to mean anything. It was just a dream, just my subconscious filtering thoughts and occupying my mind. I won't read something into it. I think I'm going to go out and explore a little now. I haven't had a chance to see my new neighbourhood. I am a little hesitant to do so, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I mean... [laughs] what's the worst that could happen?

[Entry 16]

[Amadis] My neighbourhood is... well... I wouldn't call it nice. It's actually kind of scary. No one threatened me or anything. It wasn't liked I was mugged... not that I could have given them anything... and it was hardly like everyone in the Order said would happen to me. People seem to keep to themselves and I feel them to be, for the most part, very suspicious. I received quite a few looks and felt more than one staring at me.

The atmosphere is also quite different from what I am used to. I would call it... oppressive. I thought I was being oppressed at the Redoubt as well, but that was different. It's like the air itself is weighing down on people. It's difficult to put into words. It could be because we are so far below down here. It's always dark and gloomy and it could be the lack of natural light gets to them. Even I feel it. Not in the same way, of course. But I've noticed the lack of energy. It frays at your seams.

I found myself walking through a park, or at least I think that's what it used to be before steel darkened the sky. I took the time to consider my task and what I would do next. I didn't want to get ahead of myself and I realized that I was hesitant to start. I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe failure, maybe proving them all right, maybe it was the danger. But I decided to work my way up to people. I would start small and animals felt natural enough.

I circled through the remains of the park a few times as I thought. There was no grass beneath my feet, only hard-packed earth and half-buried paving stones. The trees were little more than husks and dead branches. It was death and a part of me found it fitting that I would be considering such things in a floral graveyard. I hit upon my first snag. I needed a dead animal. I thought maybe a rodent, some form of vermin that were in abundance. I can see life easily. It glows... even the rats glow. I decided to keep a look out.

I think I'll go down to Deltares and have dinner. Tomorrow is going to be another long day of scrubbing. I should try to get a good night sleep. Good night.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 17]

[Amadis] It's been a couple of days since I spoke last. Work takes all my energy and these long shifts leave me drained and tired by the end. i just want to sleep. I feel complacency threatening to overtake my life and reduce it to only work and sleep. It seems to be an inescapable cycle. But it will be one that I shall escape. I cannot allow myself to lull into complacency. The Force did not send me away from everything that I know to slave over a sink. No, the Force sent me out into the galaxy to discover the secrets of death. I have to make the time. I must make the time. [sigh]

I have kept a lookout for vermin. [laughs a little] But I can't seem to sense them anymore. It's always that way though, isn't it? When you're not looking for something you see it everywhere, but the second you want it, it's no where to be found. I think the rats are onto me. They are smarter than I give them credit for then. They know what I want to do with them and they are wise to stay away. [sigh] But really, I don't know what I'm planning to do if I do catch one. I guess I'll have to kill it. I can't wait for natural causes... I would never get anything done then. It's just a rat... no one will miss a rat.

At work tomorrow, I will ask Dua for some traps.

[Entry 18]

[Amadis] Olivar asked me about my blindfold today. I had felt him staring at me while I worked and apparently he had never heard of a Miraluka before. He was fascinated with how I couldn't see, but yet didn't knock things over or stumble around blindly. I explained how I used the Force to see the world around me. Olivar gasped and I felt the awe and disbelief in his aura. He asked if I was a Jedi. I was quick to shake my head. It was a lie, I know, but said it was like his eyes and how he instinctively knew how to use them. I saw the world through the Force in a similar way. There was no training involved. Olivar seemed to accept that, although I could feel that he didn't truly understand. Few people, even the Jedi, understand the Force as well as they claim to do. He asked if he could see my eyes, or where they should have been. I shook my head again. I explained that it's a cultural thing and Olivar accepted that far easier than when I had tried to explain the Force.

We spoke for a few minutes... he asked most of the questions and I was happy to answer where I could. Then I felt Dua watching us and I felt his irritation. He shouted something about "not paying us to talk" and we got back to work.

Dua let me have four traps. I baited them and placed them outside. The apartments were built around one of the supporting pillars that they sunk into the lower levels to support the new city above. It's more of a series of small buildings, each slightly different from the next, than anything constructed with a purpose in mind. Mine is on the fourth floor... if you could call them that. The space is used as well as can be expected, but it feels cramped and over crowded. I have sensed about two hundred different people... my neighbours. Sometimes I can hear them through the walls. I don't know what's more distracting sometimes, their noise or their minds.

But I found some suitable places for the traps. I place two in the slim maintenance passageways that are interspersed throughout the apartments. There's barely enough room to slip though and I hit my head on a duct, but I think that would be a good spot. The last two I placed outside my door, behind the trash bins in the gap between them and the wall. Now I wait.

[Seras Amadis]

[Entry 19]

[Amadis] I checked the traps today. Nothing. I'll try again tomorrow.

[Entry 20]

[Amadis] So I got paid today, only it wasn't what I was expecting. I was so pleased... I felt that I had accomplished something. But after rent, utilities, and food, I ended up owing Dua. I feel so bad for him… I'm costing him money. But Dua said it would be okay... he's so reassuring... and said he would just take it off next week's wages. I promised to work harder to pay him back. Dua nodded and smiled and said that he knew that I would. I don't want to disappoint him after everything he has done for me. I've disappointed so many people.

After work, I came home and checked on my traps. I thought that would brighten my day. I told myself that everything would be better once I start my true purpose. One of the traps had caught something and I felt a surge of grief and excitement. It was a disturbing mix. I knelt there for a while... I didn't want to touch the small mouse. It had been a quick death and I tried to take comfort in that. But I couldn't stop thinking about how this was my fault. I had not killed it with my own hands, but I may as well have. I had set the trap that broke its neck. I'm so disgusted with myself... with what I have allowed myself to do. I said that it was only a mouse... only vermin. It was a pest. It was a pest. Just a pest. I can't believe that I let it come to this.

I freed the mouse's remains from the trap, gathered up the others, and threw them all away. I would not allow my work to be sullied by death. If I have to wait, I have to wait. That is all there is to it. I'm sorry that I allowed my ambition to get the better of me. It won't happen again. I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry.

[Entry 21]

[Amadis] I couldn't sleep. I tried, but it was impossible... and I have work in four hours. I kept thinking about the mouse sitting out there in the bin, and the needless death that I had caused. But... it doesn't have to be a needless death. I mean... it's already dead and no matter how much I regret my actions, I can't take them back. I shouldn't have done it. All life is sacred... important. But... but I can make right. I went outside and fished the little mouse out of the bin. It's lying on the table in front of me now... so cold and lifeless. Rigor mortis has set in. I can fix this. I can return its life. I'm... I'm going to document it… leave the recorder running.

[11 minutes of silence]

[Amadis] I... I don't know what's wrong. I can't feel it. It's not the same as Corobos. Something's not right. I… I can't feel the veil. It's hidden from me. I would only know to look because I had seen it part once before. I need to push harder. I will part it again.

[3 minutes of silence. Amadis makes strained noises, sounds like she's in pain]

[Amadis] No… I can't do it. I can't… [inaudible] … know why?

[scraping sound. Poss. chair]

[Amadis] [muffled by distance] This was all for nothing.