I've never been on the first show of a brand new company before. That might sound like a weird opening statement but that's just the point isn't it? The world of professional wrestling isn't considered normal by any stretch of the imagination.
Lets look at this debut show's card.
We have a British guy who loves fighting, probably to have an excuse when his bad teeth get knocked out.
A psychotic who loves fighting and admits to being unstable.
An Australian who loves to fight. They're weird by default, with their funny accents and permanently tanned bodies.
A guy who calls himself a king, probably the king of Disneyland, ruling from his throne at the top of Splash Mountain. No word yet on whether he loves to fight.
A girl who may or may not love to fight, probably more inclined to get involved in a minor scuffle at the nearest salon.
Then there's me.
I'm not keen on getting into fights but like the rest of us competing at Limitless Wrestling 1, I've found myself becoming a whore, selling my body for $500 a night. Not bad for 10 minutes work, maybe more if you get some promo time before or after your match too.
I wear a mask.
Doesn't matter whether I'm in the ring competing, backstage cutting a promo, mowing the lawn, shaving in the morning, this mask stays on at all times.
Weird? Yep. But that's what we do isn't it, we get dressed up like 5 year olds at a beauty pageant and then get paid to publicly brawl without risk of arrest while people cheer us on or boo the hell out of us.
Try doing that in downtown LA and you'll end up in a 4 foot by 5 foot cell signing your autograph all over the floor in semen while Big Bubba gives you the kind of high protein breakfast you'll never forget.
This is starting from the ashes of No Limits Championship Wrestling isn't it? Just wanna make sure, wouldn't be the first time I've stepped into a building on the night of a show, been told I was doing the job and then realizing midway through the match that I'm working the wrong show while people across town are looking at their watches and wondering why I haven't turned up to wrestle yet.
I'm guessing that name is a sign we'll get to do whatever we like and whatever we're capable of come bell time. Some fly from the top, some brawl on the mat, others approach it like a game of chess and the rest show up in speedos like extras in a porno with a bottle of oil in their bag and a song in their hearts, looking forward to getting their hands on another half naked dude while others watch from the stands.
The more I think about it, the more I can't help thinking if this industry isn't just one big fetish of one kind or another.
People who love violence and enjoy hurting other people.
Fans who like to watch and wrestlers who like to be watched.
People who love to dress up in outrageous costumes. Or even masks.
Good thing nobody I know has a clue I'm a pro wrestler.
Lets face it though, the similarities are there if you look into them. Unless you haven't got a mind that's constantly in the gutter.
What can I say, I grew up, trained and started my wrestling career in the shadow of Silicon Valley.
Also known as "Chasey Lain's cleavage".
But no, seriously, porn and wrestling are both physically demanding careers, performed for the pleasure of countless millions around the world.
Only difference is, in wrestling there's always a winner and a loser.
Well, getting to bang Bree Olson or Jenna Haze as part of your job makes you a winner in my book.
Speaking of porn stars, my opponent is a girl who looks like she could be great in that business but she's instead chosen to become a pro wrestler.
Trained by Jackson, yes?
I've heard about that guy, stories that would make you vomit just at the very thought of the things he's done to people over the years.
Bent them the wrong way.
Twisted their limbs into odd shapes.
Pounding them into oblivion with reckless abandon and no care or thought to the other person whatsoever.
And those are just his sexual conquests, who knows what horrific torture he can do in a wrestling ring.
No, really, who knows? I may have to study him quickly so I have an idea what his ex-girlfriend can do to me.
In the ring that is.
Great thing about wearing a mask is that it makes for a great dental dam at times.
Not that Kayla has any diseases, how would I know?
We're both gonna fly high but you have to think that me being a guy, I'll have an advantage, right?
Otherwise, I'd never live that down.
I'd have to change my mask and everything to avoid people knowing that I'm the guy who lost to a woman, who got beat up by a chick in front of however many people are gonna be watching.
Unless I do win like people will assume I should, which would be a lot less facepalm worthy. Wouldn't be facepalm worthy at all in fact.
Here's the thing I'd like to know Kayla.
With your ex also competing on the show and probably giving you last minute advice before you step out there to wrestle me, the possibility of some of your friends and family being around to cheer you on and all that jazz, you wanna maybe go grab something to eat after?
Might be a little awkward for me with the mask never coming off but we could make it work somehow.
Wait a minute. That sounds like I'm trying to pick you up doesn't it? I'm not and you probably wouldn't wanna after all the talk about sex and porn so far in this thing but hey, just cause we're opponents, doesn't mean we can't hang out and be friendly before and after bell time, right?
Besides, if we did hook up, you know those lameass websites like TMZ would try to give us a "cute" nickname that sucks but ends up sticking like "EpiKayla" or something.
I dunno about you but to me, the thought of that happening makes me wanna throw up in this mask and then what? I have to wrestle with vomit all over my face and stinking the ring out until you run for some air freshener and give me a countout win by default?
I don't think so somehow.
I'd rather get my hands on you, have a bit of a tumble between the ropes, roll around, have some fun and then when it's all over, we can both walk away satisfied and sweaty.
I'll leave it up to you to decide whether I'm talking about the match we're booked in or sex. Either way, like I said, my mask never comes off no matter what.
That's my idea of safe sex baby, you not knowing what the hell I look like under here.
I'll leave that to your imagination, whether I'm a lookalike for Johnny Depp or Ron Jeremy's less attractive brother.
Lock me in a submission hold and I'll probably make the same noises as Ron.
I always wondered something, maybe you could help me out with an answer.
Women tennis players and women wrestlers make grunting noises whenever they make a move, right? Is that for extra power and energy, as a distraction to beat someone into submission or some way of leeting off some sexual tension in a situation where they won't be getting any for a while?
Whatever the reason, can you not do that please? I've never really been a big fan of women making noise outside of the bedroom or whatever room you prefer to have sexy time in.
We get to be a part of history though and sure, there might be a former NLCW guy headlining this show to bring in the ticket sales and ratings but meh, we both know our match will be the one to watch. The one that steals the show. The match that makes everyone say "wow, that chick and the weird dude in the mask were great, I wanna see more of them".
If people are saying that, guess what? Bigger paycheck in future for us.
That means new shoes for you and dry cleaning for my mask.
See you in Toronto on match day Kayla. At least it'll be warmer there at this time of year.