Jokes, post the most hilarious jokes here

Sounds like in my office

and you are the disabled wan ?

WHY TOMMY WON'T GO TO SCHOOL

LOL!

This post has been edited by lord_pinky_pinky on Jun 5 2009, 08:37 PM

Demm lame wei !

Cerita lama yang diolah semula..
Suatu hari azman dan isterinya pulang dari kerja seperti biasa... Tapi ada sesuatu yang luar biasa berlaku pada hari itu. Cuaca panas menjadi lebih panas buat azman kerana tersekat didalam trafic jam
Azman: " Ish!, geram betul aku. Jalan tidak pernah sesesak ini, kenape pula sesak hari ni"
Isteri: " Sabarlah abang, mungkin kerja-kerja pembaikan jalan sedang dijalankan, tak pun ada kemalangan ke".
Dengan perasaan marah Azman berkata " Sabar!, Sabar!,Sabar! , itu ajelah yang awak tau".
Kenderaan dihadapan masih tidak bergerak. Malah orang ramai makin ramai berkumpul.
Azman: " Ini tak boleh jadi nie. Aku mesti buat sesuatu"
Azman keluar dari keretanya dan berjalan menuju ke arah orang ramai dan bertanya apa yang berlaku. "Ada accident la encik", kata sorg mat rempit. Lalu Azman pun menjerit " Tepi, tepi. Aku abang dia!. Tepiiiii,Akuuuu abanggggggg diaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Orang ramai yang berkumpul mula bergerak memberi laluan sambil berpandang sesama sendiri dengan penuh persoalan. Dalam hati azman berbangga dan berkata "menjadi juga idea aku ni" Tetapi apabila menghampiri kawasan berkenaan alangkah terkejutnya azman matanya bulat bagai nak terkeluar apabila dia melihat keadaan adiknya yang kemalangan itu...
Azman meratap sambil menutup muka dengan tapak tangannya. Dalam hati dia berkata, Oh! malu semalu malunya aku kerana ADIKKU SEEKOR MONYET...!!!!!! !

By My Side

The Speed of Technology

This post has been edited by affinity_07 on Jul 1 2008, 02:02 PM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated Conversation.


The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her

attention Is Galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:



'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come

once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and

pee twice Then I come one Lasta Time.'


The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed

pig.' She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak

aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'



'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?


I'm a Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi ','

This is a really good one

There are possible plans underway to apply to the Oxford and Webster to include a new word
for their 2009 dictionary:

badawi [baa-daa-wee] (noun): To start something full of promise but end in disappointment,
failure and/or disaster.



'I'm trusting you to perform this task well; don't do a badawi, ok?'

'Whatever I do, I will always find a way to badawise it.'

France badawied their Euro 2008 campaign. England pre-badawied theirs, while Italy were
guilty of over-badawification.

Man I wish some beautiful girl would disgrace me

>> There was a saying that if you have other nationalities working as
>> domestic help in your household, chances are the following goes missing:
>>
>>
>> Get Viets, dogs missing
>>
>> Get Bangla, girls missing
>>
>> Get Indon, money, missing
>>
>> Get Chinese, husband missing
>>
>> Get African, wife missing
>>
>>
>> But now its worse... this pilihan raya betul-betul kepala pusing!
>>
>> Get Najib, Mongolian missing
>>
>> Get Toyo, temples missing
>>
>> Get Samy, shares missing
>>
>> Get Rustam, pigs missing
>>
>> Get Zainudin, info missing
>>
>> Get Nazri, truth missing
>>
>> Get Hisham, keris missing
>>
>> Get Soi Lek, Viagra missing
>>
>> Get Dr M, memory missing
>>
>> Get Ka Ting, do nothing, every 'ting' missing
>>
>> Get Badawi, always sleeping and missing
>>
>> Get Tsu Koon, LP missing
>>
>> Get Kit Siang, chilli padi missing
>>
>> Get Anwar, tilam missing
>>
>>
>>> Alamak, betul-betul kepala pusing
>>
>> GET KHAIRY JAMALUDDIN... MALAYSIA MISSING!

anyway big boss, why retired staff? u r the big boss man!

Excellent replies Miss Universe 2008‏

A guide to Multicultural dating

Here's what to expect:

BRITISH WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. Third date: You get to have shimmy but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have shimmy. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have shimmy. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have shimmy.

ITALIAN WOMEN First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. Third Date: You have shimmy, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having shimmy. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN First Date: You get terrific head. Second Date: You get even more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever Going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have shimmy in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.

ARAB WOMEN First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab Community finds out. Second Date: You are shot dead. No third date

Stupid joke at Permatang Pauh .... dummm asss



p/s: Shame at him self

Once upon a time in a village in India , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET

You're so dead piggy

FOR THE LOVE OF EMMA

Note : Be sure to read her side of the story first before reading his side

Her Side of the Story : >================= >

[spoiler] He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought
it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know, he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and
I was wondering if he was going to leave me!

So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards
I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster. [/spoiler]

His Side of the Story: >==============>
[spoiler]MU lost to Liverpool[/spoiler]

Got this in my email recently. This Malay essay was apprently written by a 10 year old school kid. Please enjoy and have a good laugh at his sense of humour (if you understand Malay).

Karangan 'Terbaik' UPSR 2007
Karangan budak darjah 4


Pagi itu pagi minggu. Cuaca cukup sejuk sehingga mencapai takat suhu beku. Sebab itu saya tidak mandi pagi sebab air kolah jadi air batu dan air paip tidak mahu keluar sebab beku di dalam batang paip. Pagi itu saya bersarapan dengan keluarga di dalam unggun api kerana tidak tahan sejuk. Selepas itu emak saya mengajak saya menemaninya ke pasar. Tetapi saya tidak mahu.

Selepas emak menikam perut saya berkali-kali dengan garfu barulah saya bersetuju untuk mengikutnya. Kami berjalan sejauh 120 kilometer kerana pasar itu letaknya 128 kilometer dari rumah. Lagi 8 kilometer nak sampai pasar saya ternampak sebuah lori kontena meluru dengan laju dari arah belakang.

Dia melanggar emak saya. Emak saya tercampak ke dalam gaung. Dia menjerit "Adoi!". Lepas itu emak saya naik semula dan mengejar lori tersebut. Saya pun turut berlari di belakang emak saya kerana takut emak saya melanggar lori itu pula. Pemandu lori itu nampak kami mengejarnya. Dia pun memecut lebih laju iaitu sama dengan kelajuan cahaya. Kami pula terpaksa mengejar dengan lebih laju iaitu sama dengan dua kali ganda kelajuan cahaya. Emak saya dapat menerajang tayar depan lori itu. Lori itu terbabas dan melanggar pembahagi jalan lalu bertembung dengan sebuah feri. Feri itu terbelah dua.

Penumpang feri itu yang seramai 100 orang semuanya mati. Pemandu feri itu sangat marah. Dia pun bertukar menjadi Ultraman dan memfire pemandu lori. Pemandu lori menekan butang khas di dalam lori dia..lori itu bertukar menjadi robot Transformer. Mereka bergaduh di udara. Emak saya tidak puas hati. Dia pun terus menyewa sebuah helikopter di Genting
Highlands dan terus ke tempat kemalangan. Dia melanggar pemandu feri yang telah bertukar menjadi Ultraman itu.

Pemandu feri itu terkejut dan terus bertukar menjadi pemandu feri semula lalu terhempas ke jalanraya. Pemandu feri itu pecah. Pemandu lori sangat takut melihat kejadian itu. Dia meminta maaf dari emak saya. Dia menghulurkan tangan ingin bersalam. Tetapi emak saya masih marah. Dia menyendengkan helikopternya dan mengerat tangan pemandu lori itu dengan kipas helikopter. Pemandu lori itu menjerit "Adoi..!" dan jatuh ke bumi. Emak say menghantar helikopter itu ke Genting Highlands. Bila dia balik ke tempat kejadian, dia terus memukul pemandu lori itu dengan beg tangannya sambil memarahi pemandu lori itu di dalam bahasa Inggeris.

Pemandu lori itu tidak dapat menjawab sebab emak saya cakap orang putih. Lalu pemandu lori itu mati. Tidak lama kemudian kereta polis pun sampai. Dia membuat lapuran ke ibu pejabatnya tentang kemalangan ngeri itu. Semua anggota polis di pejabat polis itu terperanjat lalu mati. Orang ramai mengerumuni tempat kejadian kerana ingin mengetahui apa yang telah terjadi. Polis yang bertugas cuba menyuraikan orang ramai lalu dia menjerit menggunakan pembesar suara. Orang ramai terperanjat dan semuanya mati.

Selepas itu emak saya mengajak saya ke pasar untuk mengelak lebih ramai lagi yang akan mati. Di pasar, emak saya menceritakan kejadian itu kepada penjual daging. Penjual daging dan peniaga-peniaga berhampiran yang mendengar cerita itu semuanya terkejut dan mati. Saya dan emak saya terus berlari balik ke rumah. Kerana terlalu penat sebaik saja sampai di rumah kami pun mati. Itulah kemalangan yang paling ngeri yang pernah saya lihat sebelum saya mati.

A 100 years ago,
they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly.

And on the 100th day of Barack Obama's presidency, it ready happened !

Swine Flew