Jokes, post the most hilarious jokes here

enjoy "not sure u saw this before"

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took
a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook his taxi.....zoom....

Jap: Look ...look .... Toyota !! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan !
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia .
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan !
Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan!
Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport. Jap going to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge!!
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very fast!....
Made in Japan!

True story...
A taxpayer called up the LHDN (Inland Revenue Board) in Terengganu, and asked for Form B. The LHDN clerk who answered the call asked for the address to send the form to. The conversation goes:

LHDN CLERK: "Boleh bagi alamat encik?" (Can you give me your address?)

TAXPAYER: "Hantar ke Ranhill Worley." (Send to Ranhill Worley)

LHDN CLERK: "Ranhill... eja macam mana?" (err... How to spell Ranhill?)

TAXPAYER: "R.. for Rumah... A for Ayam.. N for Nangka... H for Holland... I for itik... L for lain-lain...." (spelling)

LHDN CLERK: "Ok.. nanti kami hantar ke alamat tu" (OK, we will send to that address...)

After waiting for a week, the form arrived - have a look at the address on the envelope!!!

wahahaha..
nice nice!!!
got evidence somemore...

***Her DIARY***




Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.



Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.





On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.



Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HUSBAND's DIARY

Today Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde
>passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in
the back.
>
>The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
>
>The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
>Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the
blonde and tries to explain that because
>she >only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and >she
will have to leave and return to her original seat.
>
>The blonde replies, 'Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!'
>
>Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use & that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
>this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
>
>The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde, whispers >in her
ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and >moves back
to her seat in the economy section.
>
>The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
>
>The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You *******!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"






>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...

if i am the boss like TRUMP,i will say 'you are fire'

i got a christmas joke
i know christmas was long ago but its not been a month so here goes

y does santa go, "HO! HO! HO!"

















cos he comes only once a year

A man lost in the jungle woke up to the lights as he found God coming to his rescue. They started a conversation.

Man: God, is it true that a minute of your time is millions of minutes in our time?

God: Yes.

Man: God, is it true that a day for you is millions of days for us?

God: Yes.

Man: God, is it true that a year for you is millions of years for us?

God: Yes.

Man: God, is it true that a dollar for you is millions of dollars for us?

God: Yes.

Man (sparks in his eyes): God, can you be so gracious and merciful as to give me just a dollar?

God: Yes... in a minute.

RK House Prank - No Pork

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uG85Oaca_o

One Night Stand

After the one nite stand with this girl, Tom woke up and wanna have a smoke
He forgot his lighter so he asked the girl beside him if she got any lighter or matches
she told Tom to check the drawers beside the bed
Tom opened the first drawer and found some matches and also found a picture of a man
Tom asked "is this ur husband?"
she got up and lean close to him then replied "no"
Tom asked "is this ur boy friend?"
she start leaning closer and massage his back then replied "no"
Tom asked "who the Heck is he then?"
she replied..........................







"THAT'S ME B4 I GOT SUGERY"

Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Be Strong Honey my fav

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
" He wasn't kissing my neck. He waswhispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey,
I love you too!!"

Valentine's Day Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.

As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.

After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Sex Pls?!!!

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "


"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "


"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !"

Funniest Joke in history?, Funniest joke ever?

After one year of research and over 100,000 candidates from 70+ different countries were surveyed, found below is what was claimed to be the funniest joke out of 10000+ submitted to a British researcher.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'

Husband Software

Dear Help Desk,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Please help!
--Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

--Help Desk

Teacher to Sardar ' Where were U born?
Sardar : In
>>Tiruvanantapuram. Teacher : Spell
it? Sardar : (after thinking) I
>>think I was born in GOA.
>>=====================================
===================== Santa :
>>People consider me as a 'GOD'
Banta : How do you know?? Santa :
>>When I went to the Park today,
everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came
>>again..
=======================================
===================
>>Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all
items are missing, except the
>>TV in my house. Police : How the
theif did not take TV??? Sardar :
>>I was watching TV na....
>>=====================================
===================== Thought
>>for the Day!!! If you call your
mother as MUM.. What will you call
>>Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
>>=====================================
===================== Tihar
>>Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000
Pants for its inmates. Tell why
>>this odd combination? Answer : Bcos
SALMAN KHAN is coming and He
>>hardly wear SHIRTs!!!
>>=====================================
===================== Do you
>>know the similarity
between 'Dinasaurs' & 'Decent Girls'
Answer:
>>Both dont exist on earth !!!
>>=====================================
=====================

AND MY FAV !!

When do
>>you congratulate someone for their
Mistake? Answer : On their
>>Wedding !!...

Shino...congrats..