Mad About McDonald's, A Japanese urban legend

(Apparently, this is a real Japanese urban legend. Maybe if it had a better translation . . . )


My dad was mad about McDonald’s and he couldn’t live without having something from McDonald’s at least once a day. It was good for him, but not for the rest of the family who had to put up with him. We gradually started to avoid eating at McDonald’s with him, and he showed obvious displeasure at our lack of enthusiasm.


“Why won’t you come? Don’t you want to eat with me?” Dad said.

All of us, including my mom and sister told him loud and clear, “No, Dad, we just don’t want to eat at McDonald’s.”



He spent the whole day looking depressed, but he was unrepentant.



On one Sunday night, after we finished preparing for school, I turned off the light in the bedroom. My little sister was already fast asleep on the top of the bunk bed. I quietly slid into the bottom bunk so as not to wake my sister, and closed my eyes.


Sometime later, I heard the door of our bedroom open. I opened my eyes a crack to see who came in and saw Ronald McDonald standing there. Ronald seemed unaware that I was awake, and walked stealthily to our bed. From what I saw through my half-closed eyes and the noise being made, I could sense he was trying to wake up my sister.


“Gooood Niiiiiiiiiiight! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!”


I heard Ronald’s joyful laugh, followed by my sister’s piercing scream, and the violent shaking of the bed.


Something shot out of the top bunk and hit the desk below; the desk tumbled over, and the stationery goods scattered all over the floor.



From the doorway, I heard my mom cry out in alarm, “What are you doing here?”


Ronald turned on the light. At that moment, I realized for the first time that the person impersonating as Ronald was my dad.


Behind my dad, from underneath the desk that had turned over I saw a bit of my sister’s pink pajamas peeping out. Around it, a pool of blood was forming.


The ambulance came. The paramedics looked at my dad with astonishment. My dad, in his excitement, punched one of them in the face.



My mom shouted, “You stay at home!” But my dad pushed her away and got into the ambulance with my sister. Our neighbors just watched us, dumbfounded.



I was left alone in the messed-up bedroom. My dad then told me and my mom later that he did it to make us like McDonald’s more.



My little sister lied on the bed. She opened her eyes wide, clenched her teeth, and waved her arms and legs uncontrollably.


“Nnnnmph, nnnnmmmm, nnnhmmmmn,” my sister groaned under the bed cover. She had damaged both her head and spine in her fall. “Daaaaghhhdyyyyyyy.”


My sister, who had been so sweet and pretty before, had changed into a different creature in just half a year.


My mom cried. I said nothing. My dad munched on a Big Mac.

This looks like a coy metaphor about the unhealthy effect of McDonald's food on an unsuspecting populace. Such a subtle phrasing about how it leaves families broken, ruins the self-confidence of youth and leaves them emotionally and physically broken is... Is...

Okay, I've got nothing. It sounds like it could be a real urban legend of the 'a friend of a friend' said variety, though; I know someone who used to dress up in Yoyogi Park and shout McDonaldisms at passersby. Weirder things, heaven + earth etc etc.

Well, that can't be good.

The other day. I went to the neighborhood McDonald's. Y'know, Mac. But there was a whole crowd of people there, and I couldn't sit down. And then, I saw a curtain hanging from the ceiling, which had "Megamac" written on it. Come on, you retards. You idiots. Hey, you guys, don't come to McDonald's just because it says Megamac, morons It's Megamac! Fucking Megamac! There are parents and children here too. A four person family coming to McDonalds? "All right, Papa's gonna order some Megamacs--" I can't watch anymore. You bastards, I'll give you a hamburger if you leave those seats. McDonald's, it should be more bloodthirsty. During mealtimes, a brawl might start at the cash register. Provoked or unprovoked. That kind of atmosphere would be great. If you've brought a woman, piss off. So, just when I'd finally sat down, the guy in the neighbooring booth asks for "a cheeseburger" That really got my blood boiling. Hey you, Cheeseburgers aren't that popular at all, you know? Retard. He says "cheeseburger" with such an arrogant face. I want to has him if he really wants to eat a cheeseburger. I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for an hour. You, did you really want to order a cheeseburger? I'm a McDonald's expert, and among us McDonalds's experts, the most popular dish recently is the chicken fillet. It's that. A chicken fillet for the go. That's a McDonald's expert's recommendation. Chicken fillets have chicken meat in them. There's more chicken than vegetables. Get that. That, and a large fries. It's the best. But if you order it, the employees will annoy with stuff like "Sir, chicken fillets will take a bit of time, is that OK with you?" I can't recommend this to an amateur. So then, you bastards, what I mean is that you should just eat a hamburger.

Aw, man Veninax. You get your adbot ads tailored to you in a creepily Orwellian way! I just keep getting one that asks me if I want to outsmart 'these salespeople' whoever 'these salespeople' are.

And OuthouseInferno, I vaguely remember that one leaking as a joke(?) or a hate-fueled rant(?) from Japan's internet some time back. I don't know how old, but awhile back. The question is... Did the writer later become the dad in Revereche's pasta?

A POSSBILITA

Japan has a . . . thing about McDonald's. I see the mascot spliced into Japanese YouTube poops a lot. I remember an Anpanman episode uploaded, full-length, but with a clip of "DONARUDO" being sung every time a certain character's name was mentioned.

And then there's this thing.