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Title: Zombie Boy Strikes Back


Matamata - July 8, 2009 01:46 PM (GMT)
Ok we're focusing on the BIG BOYS this time around.
I'll be covering the BIGGEST and therefore BEST turtles

First off the BIGGEST SOFT SHELL TURTLE...
...is actually a tie between the Yangtze Giant Softshell turtle of China & the Swinhoe Turtle of Vietnam

Pictures of the Yangzte
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Picutres of the Swinhoe
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The Swinhoe was actually thought to be extinct for some time. South East asian chefs have vowed to rectify this error by cooking the remainder up. Man, as anointed by God, shall hold dominion of his earth

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It's thought that the Swinhoe may be the worlds largest freshwater turtle, but we will simply never know. They are just too delicious to live

BIGGEST SIDE NECK TURTLE...

Tucking your head into a hole is for pussies! The Matatmata of South America knows this. He goes about his day, devil may care grin upon his face, nearly completely stationary, using to his maverick vacuum throat fishing method on punkass bitch fishes.

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What's going on ovveeeer heeere??

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Why so serious?

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The Matamata uses a unique method to catch prey. When a fish nears it opens its mouth & expands its throat to create a vacuum to suck in the prey. It then closes its mouth contracts its throat, expelling water through its lips as it swallows the fish. Fuckin pimp!

BIGGEST FRESHWATER TURTLE...

Monstrously aggressive & monstrously stupid are the perfect traits when combined in the nifty spiked package that is the American Alligator Snapping Turtle

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The Alligator Snapper lures fish right into its mouth using its lil wormy tongue as bait

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Dude, there's no way you could resist

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I foresee only good things resulting from this interaction

BIGGEST TURTLE ALIVE TODAY...

...the Leatherback Seaturtle
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The Leatherback has a super streamlined body that gives it swimming power that puts all other turtles to shame. Both up, down & side to side flipper motions give it a forward push. This means that it can cruise along fairly well without expending much energy at all. It's a swimming machine!

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big!

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The Leatherback is unique among Sea turtles, because it can survive in much colder waters. Its been found in the seas around Canada. Its body regulates heat in a very efficient manner through its blood vessels in its fins. Its large size also helps it retain heat, so ultimately it can survive in very cool water.
It feeds almost exclusively on jellyfish. Scientists recorded a Leatherback turtle continuously eating 10 lbs jellyfish as big as garbage can lids for a period of 30 minutes (this is the coolest thing ever accomplished by a living organism ever, just give up humans. The iphone? fuck that shit Omnomnomnomnom!)

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The Leatherbacks digestive system is specialized for eating those slippery jellyfish suckers. It's throat is especially suited for the purpose

So when a leatherback sees a tasty jellyfish it just..gets close...puckers up...
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...and says...

Ahhhh...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHHHHanyway...

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The entire length of the Leatherback's esophagus is lined with these bards to keep those slimey jellyfish bastards in check

So those are the "Biggest = Best" turtles. So feel free to gab about all the rest of the turtle kingdom

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"Turtles" won't you?

Monster-Man-08 - July 8, 2009 02:38 PM (GMT)
Turtles have such remarkable ways to eat stuff. Vacuums, lures, and throat teeth!

Is that BLOOD on the leatherback's beak?

Rad - July 8, 2009 02:42 PM (GMT)
The first turtle looks like what you'd get get if you steamrolled a turtle in cartoon land

Sugarpolyp - July 8, 2009 05:59 PM (GMT)
Not only was that informative, it was friggin' hilarious. I belly laughed several times. Other than that though, i really have nothing to add. Great job! I can dig it!

SmashedPumpkin - July 8, 2009 10:57 PM (GMT)
QUOTE

The Swinhoe was actually thought to be extinct for some time. South East asian chefs have vowed to rectify this error by cooking the remainder up. Man, as anointed by God, shall hold dominion of his earth


I love the lower lip on that guy.

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Tucking your head into a hole is for pussies!


And the fact that YOU'RE Matamata has no bearing whatsoever on this statement, eh? Just a professional opinion, huh?

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Why so serious?


Wahaha! Funny face!

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The Matamata uses a unique method to catch prey. When a fish nears it opens its mouth & expands its throat to create a vacuum to suck in the prey. It then closes its mouth contracts its throat, expelling water through its lips as it swallows the fish. Fuckin pimp!


Great scott! That's unique.

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I foresee only good things resulting from this interaction


Serves you right, estupido.

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Ahhhh... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHHHHanyway...


Bricks have been shat...



scythemantis - July 8, 2009 11:13 PM (GMT)
The leatherback's throat is one of the coolest/most surprising animal images I've seen in ages!

dodoman1 - July 8, 2009 11:41 PM (GMT)
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The big-headed turtle. Critically endangered, and native to Asia. Those two things can't be related at all.





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