beauty in the breakdown., tagg; darcy!

It was breakfast time. Too bad Jayde's head was pounding and her mouth was dry. Drinking last night had not been the best choice she had ever made in her life. In fact it was probably been the worst. Jay was never one to go out and get sloshed. She was always the good girl. the one that tell people to stop or tell them it was time to go back to the dorm room. However, last night the role had switched and it was all her parent's and her boyfriend's fault. If they hadn't been so stupid she wouldn't have had to resort to alcohol to drown out her problems. Luckily she had one person she could count on - her sister. Britain had been there when no one else hadn't. It was actually rather surprising. Jayde hadn't expected anyone to come to look for her and if she had been she would have expected Chris or Oliver or even Meg to come before Brit. But, there she had been waiting with open arms and caring. She had even held her hair back while Jay had puked her guts out. Luckily she didn't really remember any of last night; she was honestly afraid of what she had said and done. Jayde groaned as she placed a plate of four waffles and a fruit cup onto her tray. Today she needed sugar, sugar and more sugar. Hence why she was drizzling so much syrup over the contents on her plate - fruit and waffles both. She didn't know if she would be able to eat it, but, she needed to try.

The brunette's brown eyes scanned the hall looking for someone she knew. There were plenty of people she knew, but none she wanted to deal with. In the back corner there was an empty table shrouded in darkness. Perfect. Now she didn't have to deal with sunlight or people. Maybe this day wasn't going to be so bad after all. Hah. Who was she kidding? Just because this one thing was going her way didn't mean anything else would. In fact, she highly doubted anything else would. After all, she was going to have to deal with Christian - who would have more than likely noticed his Sour Puss was gone - and Oliver - who would have found out from Brit - and Meg - wondering why she hadn't returned back to the cabin until real late this morning. Jayde groaned again just thinking about before popping a peach slice into her mouth. Since when had life become so complicated? Life for her was supposed to be simple, straight forward with no twists or snags. She wasn't supposed to get tripped up in all this drama. It was all very frustrating. Maybe she needed to become a hermit and remove herself from the world; at least that way she'd have time to work on some new music which she had been neglecting far too much now. For a sixteen year old girl, Jayde sure did have a lot of problems. Too bad she didn't have a way of drowning them out. She knew alcohol was not the answer.

Even though her brain hurt to think about it, she couldn't help but wonder why her and Chris had been having so many problems. Only one thing really came to mind - she wasn't pretty enough for him anymore. After all, he had had Devin and as much as Jay didn't want to admit it, Devin was beautiful and now that she was gone, Chris had to settle for her. He would never say it out loud because he 'loved' her too much but, Jay knew better. For the last time she groaned and dropped her head onto the table. Life was not fair. She wasn't beautiful, confident, Jayde anymore. She was fugly, insecure, hopeless Jayde. See? Not fair at all.

I trust you’re good intentions that’ll you’re watching over plans
You must think that I’m crazy if you don’t see through that grave
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

This was shaping up to be the worst summer of her entire life. Way to go, Darcy. You see, she had this big go-see with a potential client. She hit it off well with the designer, but his president of fashion advertisement was the wench of the trade. The whole thing came back to this one place where she was right this very second. Yes, the Eatery was part of this disaster. With it's completely fat and calorie filled meals. "I'm afraid we have all the plus-size models we need, Miss Bennett." the woman growled at her. "So, I'm afraid that we have no room for you and your celulite here at de Cartier- literally. Have a nice summer, and here's a tip; lay off the twinkies." She was overweight, and pudgy, and just down-right fat. This last week she'd shedded ten pounds. What method was she using? Oh, the wretched de Cartier woman was the least of her problems now. Darcy's plan for losing weight consisted of purging, binging, and excersize. Tons of excersize. Just in this morning alone, she'd ran three miles. Not to mention the laps she swam the previous night.

So what brought her to the Eatery? Well, she hadn't talked to anyone in the past week or so, ever since she came back to campus from her go-see. And Darcy was lonely, actually. She hadn't answered any phone calls, text messages, anything. She'd only been out of her cabin to swim, run, or get some goods for her binging. The normal food she consumed- if you could call it that- was powdered donettes, easily accessed through the various snack machines on campus. This wasn't the first time that Darcy had resorted to this. Several years earlier, she was introduced to this by one of her aquaintances at a shoot back home. She didn't find anything wrong with this method simply because it lost you weight and it did it fast. She would stop the minute she was back into shape enough to get the de Cartier job.

Her brown eyes searched through the tables, desperate for someone, anyone to be there. Oliver would be the preferred person to see, but he was always so busy with freaking Britain. Speaking of Britain... Darcy noticed her twin in the dark corner, Jayde. Unlike with that Brit girl, Darcy adored Jay. She was like the little sister she never had. She smiled, walking over to her table, and with one peek at the plate in front of the girl, her stomach rumbled. God, how many calories was in that? Probably a good 10,000 she guessed. "Jay, is this seat taken?" she motioned at the chair beside her.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

STATUS: fin
WORD COUNT: 540
TAGGED: jayde;
OUTFIT: here
NOTES: notta
CREDITS: johnnycade @ Caution2.0, lyrics from "keep the change, you filthy animal" by all time low

Surprisingly enough, Jayde had managed to gobble down a good portion of the food on her tray. She hadn’t expected to eat anything but several grapes and maybe one waffle. However, here she was with a near empty fruit cup and two waffles gone leaving the other two in a moat of syrup. As much as she was eating, Jay wasn’t really tasting. No, she was far too deep in thought to realize what she was doing. It didn’t matter anyways - she was always going to be an ugly cow in the eyes of the one boy who mattered the most. Who cared if everyone else thought she was the hottest babe out there? Christian was the only opinion that mattered and he thought she was fug. Now, normally if one was having a day of thought like Jayde’s, they would do the opposite of what she was doing; they would purge or starve themselves until they were beautiful in the eye of the one that mattered. For some odd reason, however, Jay’s mind worked opposite the way of a normal mind…at least when it came to this sort of stuff. Again, she stuffed a piece of dripping waffle into her mouth and stared grumpily at the table. Surprisingly she rather liked being all alone; loneliness allowed her to wallow and stuff her face with whatever she liked.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t alone for much longer. When Darcy - beautiful, amazing, funny Darcy - approached, Jayde didn’t notice her until she was right there, asking about the chair. In all honesty, Darcy had startled her right out of her wallowing. Her heart was beating a million miles a minute - although it was slowly slowing down - and her eyes had widened so much that they felt much sorer. Anyone who may have seen would have known exactly why she had been startled, but, why Darcy was having this sort of effect on her was a little secret Jay had. The tiny brunette saw Darcy as an idol of sorts. Ever since the day they first met, Jay knew that Darcy was a girl that she could have a good friendship with and she liked knowing the older girl; it gave her a feeling that she had her big sister here even though Charlotte had long since graduated. Plus, Darcy was driven, beautiful, and charming. It was odd knowing that Britain and Darce couldn’t see eye to eye and get along. Nonetheless, Jay knew not to bring up that subject…ever.

“Uhm…yeah, I guess if you really want to sit here…” Jay mumbled pushing her tray over a little to make more room for her friend. But, now that Jayde gazed at Darcy’s tray did she notice it wasn’t really necessary. There was nothing there except for some white powdered donuts. Strange. “Not hungry?” she asked subconsciously. To be quite honest, the sixteen year old had not meant to say it aloud. Oh well, at least there was some form of conversation although she was still not in the mood to do that ’talking’ thing. The one good thing? It wasn’t someone that would blab on about Chris and herself; as far as Jay knew, Darce was not plugged into the ex-sophomore gossip thus did not know anything more about her relationship than she told the girl.

I trust you’re good intentions that’ll you’re watching over plans
You must think that I’m crazy if you don’t see through that grave
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Darcy smiled, taking her seat and setting the practically empty tray on the wooden table in front of her. She gazed longingly at Jayde's plate, if she didn't want to be a model, she'd eat anything she wanted without a care in the world. But it was all she wanted, Darcy just wanted to model. And to stay in it, she wouldn't jepordize it for just a tasty meal. She peeled open the corner of the package, a puff of powdered sugar escaping through the small opening. I don't know if you'd only eaten one item for multiple days in a row, but it got pretty disgusting. And well, she was glad to rid herself of it by now. She set her clutch on the table next to her, glancing around the Eatery for anyone who may suspect anything. The only one who may notice was Jay, but she wouldn't tell Oliver, would she?

"No, not really hungry," she lied, her stomach rumbling lightly under her summer dress. Darcy hoped it was soft enough to not allow Jay's ears to hear it. People who were not models, or not weight obsessed did not at all understand this. The stress of keeping your weight down had led her to several things- obviously binging as well as purging, and she had started smoking. It relaxed her enough to allow her to continue on with this wretched secret. It wasn't like she was smoking constantly... just one or two cigarettes a day. And she covered her traces of her habits very carefully. She brought around with her- even in her small clutch- toothbrush, toothpaste, air freshener, body mist, mints, and gum. That way she was prepared for anything. Even if Oliver came out of nowhere to stuff their faces and hangout. But, she guessed, he was too bust with damn Britain. So this actually helped her continue her habits.

Darcy reached for her water bottle, twisting off the cap and setting it on the table. It almost looked like a rehearsed scene, right down to the very basics. She even sat up straight, almost like the doughnuts were entrancing her. She looked at Jay, figuring that she must think she was out of her mind. Straight out of the nut house, "So, how are you doing? I haven't seen you in like a week, though I haven't seen anyone in ages," she trailed off, ending with a quirky smile, trying to act normal. But for some reason she was really jumpy and itching to tell someone what was going on with her.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

STATUS: fin
WORD COUNT: 429
TAGGED: jayde;
OUTFIT: here
NOTES: hereeee
CREDITS: johnnycade @ Caution2.0, lyrics from "keep the change, you filthy animal" by all time low

Although she wasn’t directly watching Darcy, Jayde could see what she was doing. She saw everything from the puff of the donut package when she opened it to the suspicious looking around. Curious as she may be, Jay didn’t question what she was up to. Certainly it was nothing to fret about; if it was, Jayde would have noticed something in Darcy’s expression which was currently non-worrying and rather normal. Perhaps if the oddness persisted then, and only then, she would bring it up - although, if you asked Jayde, she didn’t expect it to. Addressing strange behaviour was not typical lunch conversation. This was even more so in students like Darcy - models who were all about fashion - and Jayde - who was drowning in self-pity. No, their conversation would most likely revolve around not seeing each other and camp and the next year and all that lame, ‘friend’ stuff to talk about. However, until Darcy really chose to talk, Jayde decided she’d remain silent, staring at her soggy waffles. She soon realised how un-hungry she was. Turning up her nose and clutching her stomach she pushed the tray away and put her head on the cool surface of the table, face turned towards the senior girl. Just looking at her and seeing her beauty mad Jay’s insides burn hot with jealousy and longing to be like her. She couldn’t help but give a weak smile.

As if studying a specimen under a microscope in a laboratory, Jayde watched intently, secretly wished to imitate so as to feel pretty again. Right down to her posture and the way she unscrewed her water bottle Darcy looked regal and beautiful. Jay couldn’t even imagine Darcy having a bad day, let alone a day of hungover self-loathing. She was just so…so perfect. Her hair was always glossy; her figure always perfect; she always had what she wanted (so did Jay, but, money can only go so far…she couldn’t purchase Christian’s love); and she was super down-to-earth on top of it all. Jayde knew that if she ever had a chance to be someone else, she would pick Darcy. Who wouldn’t? Okay, so maybe Britain wouldn’t…but, her life was perfectly fine. Her and Oliver seemed to be the happy, golden couple of Ellison that had once been herself and Chris. On Jay’s worst days, she bitterly hoped that Brit and Olli would end their relationship so both could be as miserable as she.

Jayde couldn’t help but give a cold laugh when Darcy asked how she was. Like she couldn’t tell how disgusting she was. “That wasn’t a legit question was it Darce? ‘Cause you can’t tell tha-ow.” She had cut off mid-sentence to massage her forehead. It had begun to throb once again. Taking a moment and a few deep breaths, Jayde continued. “Basically I feel like shit. I’m hungover and fugly and losing grip of everything I know and now I feel bad for dumping all my stupid problems on you.” She rotated her head, she that her forehead was digging into the edge of the table; the pressure felt rather nice in comparison to what it could have been. “You know you’re like the prettiest and best person I know right? I bet you never feel ugly,” the sixteen year old muttered to her thighs. “And if you do, you probably handle it way better than going out and getting shit-faced alone on the beach…” Goodness, she really was pathetic. A hot tear slid down her one cheek, but since her head was down, it was concealed. At least one good thing had come of the day.

---

608; yayyyy! jay’s admitting she fails at life XD

I trust you’re good intentions that’ll you’re watching over plans
You must think that I’m crazy if you don’t see through that grave
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

For a moment, Darcy was taken aback by Jay's words and actions. How in the world did she think that she was fugly? The girl that sat next to her was freakin' adorable. Darcy would kill to be like her. She had a body, and gorgeous eyes, and fabulous hair. But what surprised her even more was the fact that she thought Darce was in any way better than she. Darcy looked in the mirror everyday, criticizing the way she looked. Everything was wrong- the way her hair fell across her shoulders, the freckle just above her right eye, she hardly had boobs to balance out her belly, the thunder thighs, knobby knees. Nothing about Darcy could be admired. Suddenly, she realised that she could tell Jayde her secret. She wanted nothing more than to just tell anyone. Maybe it was a silent call for help, and maybe she just itched for companionship. No matter what the reason was, Darcy would tell her.

"Well as long as you're telling me your problems, I'll tell you mine." Darcy was one of those people who believed in equivalent exchange. If you wanted something, you first had to give something of equal value, "I don't handle anything well. Last week I had that meeting with de Cartier, he absolutely wanted to book me. But that lady they had as their casting director... She said I was too fat to fit in their clothes. That I should just go to a plus size designer. I mean, look at me, I'm a freakin' blimp!" She pushed her tray away from her. She was disgusted with herself even more now. No one could understand this. Probably not Jay, and definitely not Oliver. "Honestly I wish that I would have gone and drank on the beach, just drown all of everything with a bottle of vodka, rum, or whatever." That was actually something that she hadn't done with her whole body image issue. Maybe she could try that... I mean, there's no problem with gaining weight if you drink enough... And the whole next day she wouldn't at all want to eat. Thank you Jay for such a great idea!

"But anyway, I'm binging and purging, and somedays, I'm not even eating. I have to, Jay. All I've ever wanted to be is a model. That is it. And I'm not even good enough to do that." She set her elbows on the table, with her palms on her forehead, staring down at the chipped edge of the table. "If I was just like you, I would have no problem booking here. I guess back home my mom bribed them to hire me. I can't do it on my own. I guess it's just plus size modeling or nothing. I'm not going to settle for plus size though. I guess it's just nothing. I should give up on my dream. I'm useless." Darcy was overwhelmed with emotion now, tears welling up in her eyes, and stomach twisting. She felt like she had to puke... but nothing was in her stomach to do so. "Jay, I can't believe that you think I'm so amazing... I'm not. Not even close."

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

STATUS: fin
WORD COUNT: 531
TAGGED: jayde;
OUTFIT: here
NOTES: hereeee
CREDITS: johnnycade @ Caution2.0, lyrics from "keep the change, you filthy animal" by all time low

Jay’s mind was so fogged with self hate that she barely heard Darcy say that she was going to share her problem too. But, it did sink in a moment later. She couldn’t help but shoot straight up and look at her with her mouth agape. She didn’t even care that she was crying now. What kind of problems could a perfect girl like Darcy Bennett have? She had her life handed to her on a platter and she had all the best jobs in the world. Sure, Jayde had everything given to her if she asked her daddy for it most of the time, but, Darcy…Darcy was something different. She was pretty and popular and everything that Jay wasn’t. Jayde would gladly switch lives with Darcy in a heart beat. Nonetheless, she was curious as to what kind of problems she had. Maybe she wasn’t actually a model and she wasn’t actually named Darcy. Maybe she wore a wig. Maybe she was really a man. If that was the case well, Jayde wasn’t quite sure how she would deal with that. It would definitely be a shocker. Curious consuming her, Jayde settled in for ‘story time’, intently listening to Darcy’s every word.

She couldn’t help but give a tiny audible gasp at the word blimp. Darcy was absolutely nuts. She was not a blimp. That lady was just jealous. But, Jayde knew that you had to be smaller than small to be a model. At one point last summer she had looked into it just to satisfy her curiosity. Darcy was small - smaller than Jayde that was for sure - yet, she was ‘fat’ in the designer’s eye. For the most part it made perfect sense because it was exactly how she was feeling at that point too. Nonetheless, Jayde didn’t speak; she let Darcy carry on with her story. “No way… You really don’t want to drink your problems away… Seriously, all I remember is attempting to climb the rock wall and collapsing and now my head hurts so much. But…Darce, you’re so not fat. If either of us is a whale, or a blimp, it’s me. I mean look at this!” Jayde lifted her shirt up slightly and pinched the ‘rolls’ on her stomach. The flab was not even a third of an inch yet there she was pinching it. “See? Isn’t that absolutely revolting?!”

That’s when it dawned on her. There was one way for her and Darcy to bond and both feel better about themselves. Darcy would be able to get into modeling, and Jayde would feel pretty again! It was the perfect solution. It was so perfect that even through her pain she managed a smile. “Darce. You’re a genius. I’m not judging you because I know what it’s like to have a dream and will do anything to achieve it. But, I would absolutely love you if you,” Jayde swallowed and gentle placed her hand on her shoulder, “showed me how to do it. I want to feel pretty again… I have a feeling this is the way. It’ll be our little secret.” Jay’s sudden happiness was overthrown when Darcy was denying her amazing-ness. Swallowing hard, Jay let out a sigh. “You don’t have to feel amazing yet, but, when we help each other out you will. I promise. Darce, you’re like the one person I would ever tell any of this to. You understand. And that’s what makes you so amazing.”

---

580; awwe look at that. happy jay again.