Elias Atienza, a New character

Character Name Elias Atienza

Character Special S:8 P:5 E:6 C:1 I:7 A:7 L:6

Race: human Asian Male
Character Age: About 18

Character Personality: Elias is a soft spoken man, not prone to getting angry at passing spats. But since he is a tribal, he doesn't like it when people speak of tribals as uncouth swine he will fight you. He is genneraly thoght of as scary man to know, and he has no friends to speak of. He is very mature for his age and he is very knowledgeable about knives, machetes, and other melee weapons.

He is known to be shy, and tends to shine away from topics of war and the LEgion. But he does love to talk about weapons, no matter what kind. He doesn't like talking to women, because of a girl of the past. He is extremly intellengent and loves to read any books he comes across. People tend to avoid, because he is a tribal and isn't very social anyway.


Character Apperance: Elias is 5'8 and about 140 pounds, with brown hair and green eyes. He has a scar over his right eye . He is a man of Asian descent, and his eyes are thinner than most people

He has well toned muscles and his hands are very powerful. His nose is crooked, and has been broken several times. His legs are skinny, but well muscled and long. His arms show the signs of slavery. He has scars criss crossing across his arms due to sword wounds.

His hair is light brown with specks of black, and he is describe as very ugly. He is usually seen sharpining his machete, and he feet are a little to big. He also has a scar over the eye due to a gunshot wound.

Character Story: Elias was born in a small village in the Northern Mojave Desert. He was the son of a warrior and a farmer. He grew up in a warrior cuture learning to wield a machete. He also was the keeper of the library. He fell in love with a girl from a passing caravan and would talk to her when she came into the village. He grew up as a hunter, one time being stranded in the desert for nine weeks, before finding the girls caravan. Staving off raiders as they attempted to take over the caravan, Elias attacked the raiders leader, and after five tense minutes of machete to chinese officers sword combat he slayed him, after reciciving several wounds to his arms, he was taken to the village, where the girl healed him, he confessed his love for her. She smiled and left the village.

When he was 14, slavers raided the village, killing his father and mother and putting the entire village to the sword except for him, the girl and other teenagers. He was sent to Flagstaff, where he was trained as a recruit. He was sent to a small village and watched in horror as the Legion recruits burned the village, hanged the village elders, and raped the new slaves. He was to repeat the same event over the years. He was promoted to prime legionary. He finally decided to escape. As the moon shined, he slit his centurions throat, took his helmet, put a block of C4 in it and took to the main barracks. After saying his goodbyes he took the detonator and walking away to the main road to the Mojave Outpost, pressed it and a bright fireball roared. He stole a horse from a Legion Scout and rode hard for the next seven days, stopping only to eat or rest. As he neared it, he was shot by an NCR 1st Recon in the head. He fell off the horse, and slipped into a dark world. He woke up in a prison cell, and he stilled had his prime legionary armor on. The NCR jailer explained to him that he has beenout for about three weeks and he had screamed in his sleep, about the Legions atrocties. He had been shot by a man named Craig Boone. He finally was released, and he shed his crinsom armor forever. He met with up with sniper, apolgized for being Legion, and went out of the jail, and wandered North.
When he was seventeen he was hired as a caravan guard. Explosives woke him up one morning as armed men entered the camp and layed waste to the occupants. He managed to go hand to hand combat, and he ended up killing him due to his extensive hand to hand combat. After that he was shot in the hands and legs, but he was taken priosner when the man who was about to shoot him ended up getting his head blown up off by an unseen sniper. He ended up being a prisoner for seven weeks when his caravan was hit by an ambush by defectors from the NCR. He was tortured for the location of the caravan safe, and he hasn't been the same and was mentally unstable, muttering to himself about NCR, the Legion ,the Enclave, his family, and his one true love.One day after an afternoon of toture he heard gunfire and screams. A man was killing all of the NCR defectors and he was still babbling to himself. A man, who wore a black combat vest, a trench coat, ragged jeans, an a LAPD helmet. The man took off his helmet and he had a scar, where two bullets left their mark.
The day he left the cage, he wandered and around the age of 17 and a half he killed several Legion recruits, who were raiding the small villages and carrying of all the people to the Fort. he pounced on them. Slaying several of them, before the decanus carrying a machete named Liberator, slashed at him and almost killed him. As the deacnus raised the killing blow, he was shot by a caravan guard. She carried him over to an abandoned cave, and set him there. She was tending to him, when he woke and reconginized her. She smiled and told him it was her. She then left.
Elias spent the last half year in the cave, resting, training, and hunting. He was left alone and his mental state slowly improved. He killed molerats, raised a dog, who later left, and killed a half-dozen raiders that tried to hide out in his cave. He lived there in solitude, when a mysterious stranger armed with a .44 magnum, wearing a trench coat, and a fedora, left him a note from someone from his past. Someone he thought dead. Grabbing his C4, his backpack, his supplies, his gun, and a machete and his locket, he threw the C4 towards the cave and detonated it, and set out to meet up with his past.



Starting equipment:


Armor: tattered leather jacket


Weapons: Worn Machete. A an old machete made from Legion steel. Very old and its starting to break down. The handle is torn and its starting to fall apart. Due to the blade being kind of dull, it cannot penerate armor tougher than leather. But due to the his past with the weapon Elias refusesto part ways with it.

.32 Revolver. Scavenged from the dead defectors, it was a one that had a symbol of a pair of aces. Similar to Lucky, just not as powerful, it is a powerful symbol of his hatred for the Legion.

Strengths. Elias is very strong for his size. He is able to attack bigger oppenents with his agile and strong of fighting style and even some of the best swordsmen of the wasteland has trouble with him. He is able to survive in many different enviroments due to him getting extensive surivival skills during his time in the desert. Also and able mechanic, he is able to fix a lot of things.

Weaknesses: Elias recicived almost no gun training, so he cannot shoot straight and cannot even aim the gun. Has his tramua with his past has grown he sometimes freezes in combat, which is how he recives most of hsi scars. He cannot speak to a person straight in the eye, and is uncomfortable around people leading to him to not trust anyone. He also has a scar that covers the vision of his left eye, leaving him extraa vulenabrable.

When he was seventeen he was hired as a caravan guard. Explosives woke him up one morning as armed men entered the camp and layed waste to the occupants. He managed to go hand to hand combat, and he ended up killing him due to his extensive hand to hand combat. After that he was shot in the hands and legs, but he was taken priosner when the man who was about to shoot him ended up getting his head blown up off by an unseen sniper. He ended up being a prisoner for seven weeks when his caravan was hit by an ambush by defectors from the NCR. He was tortured for the location of the caravan safe, and he hasn't been the same and was mentally unstable, muttering to himself about NCR, the Legion ,the Enclave, his family, and his one true love.One day after an afternoon of toture he heard gunfire and screams. A man was killing all of the NCR defectors and he was still babbling to himself. A man, who wore a black combat vest, a trench coat, ragged jeans, an a LAPD helmet. The man took off his helmet and he had a scar, where two bullets left their mark.
The day he left the cage, he wandered and around the age of 17 and a half he killed several Legion recruits, who were raiding the small villages and carrying of all the people to the Fort. he pounced on them. Slaying several of them, before the decanus carrying a machete named Liberator, slashed at him and almost killed him. As the deacnus raised the killing blow, he was shot by a caravan guard. She carried him over to an abandoned cave, and set him there. She was tending to him, when he woke and reconginized her. She smiled and told him it was her. She then left.
Elias spent the last half year in the cave, resting, training, and hunting. He was left alone and his mental state slowly improved. He killed molerats, raised a dog, who later left, and killed a half-dozen raiders that tried to hide out in his cave. He lived there in solitude, when a mysterious stranger armed with a .44 magnum, wearing a trench coat, and a fedora, left him a note from someone from his past. Someone he thought dead. Grabbing his C4, his backpack, his supplies, his gun, and a machete and his locket, he threw the C4 towards the cave and detonated it, and set out to meet up with his past.



Starting equipment:


Armor: tattered leather armor, leather has ripped in several places due to machete cuts and thrusts.


Weapons: Worn Machete. A an old machete made from Legion steel. Very old and its starting to break down. The handle is torn and its starting to fall apart. Due to the blade being kind of dull, it cannot penerate armor tougher than leather. But due to the his past with the weapon Elias refusesto part ways with it.

.32 Revolver. Scavenged from the dead defectors, it was a one that had a symbol of a pair of aces. Similar to Lucky, just not as powerful, it is a powerful symbol of his hatred for the Legion.

Other equipment:pre-war backpack, 2 cans of Pork and beans, a bottle of Sarsaphilla, and a locket.

Strengths: An extremely good melter fighter, able to hold his own against more expierenced opponents. Great at fixing things. He also is powerful for his size and he can take down most opponents in a melee fight. Small for his size but very fast. Also is able to adapt to most survival situations.


Weaknesses: No social skills, whatsoever. Terrible with a gun, cannot aim at all. He also is emotionally traumatized by his experiences with the Legion and the NCR defectors causing him to sometimes freeze in the middle of a fight. He is not very aware of his surroundings due to his vision being restricted due to a scar above his eye.

Starting traits:Finese, small frame and kamikaze

Character Personality: Elias is a soft spoken man, not prone to getting angry at passing spats. But since he is a tribal, he doesn't like it when people speak of tribals as uncouth swine he will fight you. He is genneraly thoght of as scary man to know, and he has no friends to speak of. He is very mature for his age and he is very knowledgeable about knives, machetes, and other melee weapons.

He is known to be shy, and tends to shine away from topics of war and the LEgion. But he does love to talk about weapons, no matter what kind. He doesn't like talking to women, because of a girl of the past. He is extremly intellengent and loves to read any books he comes across. People tend to avoid, because he is a tribal and isn't very social anyway.

Strengths. Elias is very strong for his size. He is able to attack bigger oppenents with his agile and strong of fighting style and even some of the best swordsmen of the wasteland has trouble with him. He is able to survive in many different enviroments due to him getting extensive surivival skills during his time in the desert. Also and able mechanic, he is able to fix a lot of things.

Weaknesses: Elias recicived almost no gun training, so he cannot shoot straight and cannot even aim the gun. Has his tramua with his past has grown he sometimes freezes in combat, which is how he recives most of hsi scars. He cannot speak to a person straight in the eye, and is uncomfortable around people leading to him to not trust anyone. He also has a scar that covers the vision of his left eye, leaving him extraa vulenabrable.

Just a tip, you can edit your initial post to include everything you want in your character's registration, makes everything a bit more easier to read and grade. I'm sure the mods would appreciate that.

Edit your original post by clicking in the top right corner, if you want to change anything. No real reason to split the whole thing up, but there's nothing in the rules against that, so I guess you can continue if you want too? I don't know, I'll do el critique now. Help mi wee amigo out and stuff.

Special is good, add's up 40. Charisma one isn't a problem, but it really does wreck interaction with stores. No need to change it, just keep it in mind.

His personality got a chuckle out of me with the repeated machete line, but other then that, I think it's good. It's got some grammar errors, but other then the repetition of "very", it's good to go. I'm nitpicking here, by the way, just comb over it with a good eye and and toss out some redundancy.

I'm going to have to ask for specifics with your appearance to beef it up. You have a lot to expand on so others will get the full picture, he's short, but how short? Is he a midget, or just around 5'5? Describe his clothing in more detail. Also this.

That's wrong. "His feet", not "he feet".

Also, THIS IS IMPORTANT. We're based in the former confederate states. Texas, Virginia, Florida, etc. Your character's in Ceaser's Legion on the west coast, so you might want to localize it. Browse through our factions list, the confederates could make a good stand in for the legion. You're meeting up with characters from Fallout New Vegas too, and that's sort of off limits. A lot of unnecessary detail here that only works to tie in to the main game.

This is redundant. No need to say hand to hand combat twice. And you misspelled "laid" .

Your story reads out like a list of bad ass achievements more then, you know, a cohesive plot. Your writing itself isn't THAT bad, it's just that your focusing on area's like how many people he killed before the age of 18, and why's he's a hard mother fucker, rather then why he's who he is, and what sort of relationships he had. You had a good start with the girl, but let's face it, she's barely important as a character. Give her a name. Give her something. Make her stand out more then "random recurring crush".

Your equipment works, sort of. They can both be considered tier one, but you might want to put those in the description. The machete can be considered in the same tier as kitchen knives, and the revolver is practically a tier one revolver as well. Only problem is your armor. it's a bit too good for anything tier one, so go find the armor section, and pick something out from the list. Switch it our for a tattered leather jacket and your gold.

Dude, NUMBER ONE BIGGEST PROBLEM. You have two strengths and weakness's section. You have two personality sections. MELD THEM TOGETHER. DELETE ONE. EDIT YOUR POSTS. Please. Once you do that and fix the problems above, you can get out and role play.


Also, this is long.