nothing so { BITTERSWEET }, river, jack && rose !

[Jack Harkness]

Jack watched as the Doctor retreated away from Rose and back to River Song. His heart truly went out for the Doctor, and more for Rose. With a painful close of his eyes, Jack hung his head slightly. And then Jack heard the Doctor’s angry voice call over to him. Jack jerked his head back up and looked at the Doctor. He didn’t say anything in response, what was he supposed to say? The time wasn’t right? He hadn’t wanted to hurt her? Hurt the Doctor? Made him feel guilty about being with River Song where he was clearly happy? Jack’s eyes were misted a little with tears as he looked at the Doctor, “We are friends Doctor, doesn’t mean I tell you everything and it doesn’t mean you tell me everything.” Jack’s voice was quiet.

The Captain looked at Rose as she watched the Doctor walk away from her. He watched her eyes burn holes into the Doctor’s arm around River Song’s waist and he shook his head slowly. The Doctor was never very gentle. Personally Jack could have let Rose down easier… but then again, he also knew how attached Rose was to the Doctor. He was about to say something when suddenly Rose said three fated words and then she turned and walked around Jack. He didn’t reach out for her, curious as to where she was going. As she started to head back down to the basement where Jack knew her TARDIS was located, he turned to follow her. As he started after her, he looked back over his shoulder at the Doctor and gave him a grim smile, “It was nice to meet River Song.” And then he was after Rose.

“Rose…”

Jack called; he followed behind her and walked down the stairs that would take her away from here. Away from him. Jack knew that this was the wrong thing for her to be doing at this moment. Not the getting away from here part, but the getting away from Jack. She might become a danger to herself, or a danger to someone else. Jack couldn’t let that happen. So he followed her. When they got into the basement and there was more space for him to maneuver around, Jack crossed in front of her and blocked her way to her TARDIS. He stood there, in front of the doors and looked at her with sad eyes.

“Rose,”

He said softly once more, wanting her attention on him. He didn’t reach out to touch her, but he stayed in her path. Jack waited a few minutes and fixed his mouth in a grim frown, “Rose, I’m not going to prevent you from leaving here, but I am going to prevent you from going alone.” Jack reached his hand out a little as if he wanted to touch her under the chin or take her into a one-armed hug of comfort, but he hesitated and then let his hand drop.

“Please let me come with you Rose, I just want to help.”

[The Doctor]

River’s touch made the Doctor force himself to calm down. He didn’t mean to take out his shock and anger on his old friend, but Jack just happened to be the scapegoat. The Doctor himself could have cushioned the blow, but even his impressive intellect couldn’t work out the best way to let Rose down. Instead, this not-so-subtle incarnation did the only thing that he thought was best. Fighting wars, unveiling conspiracies, unearthing truths… they were easy compared to this. And it wasn’t just Rose that he was worried about. River was a huge concern; the Doctor didn’t want her to think that whatever he had said earlier was just another meaningless speech.

You promised me.

The Doctor’s skin paled, suddenly making him appear almost gaunt. He was speechless then, reminded of the promise that he had given the blonde. He remembered the way that he always held her hand, how he had been constantly enamoured by her wit and charm. How angry she had been, finding out that she wasn’t the only one he had taken with him. And then, then he had promised that she would never get left behind. The Time Lord broke that promise.

Tensing every muscle, he let go of River, tears burning acid in his eyes. The Doctor tried to speak, but his throat closed up as Rose turned, walking away with a grim determination he never wanted to see. “N-no. No. Rose! You don’t understand! I didn’t leave you, you were supposed to be happy!” In a fit of rage that he hadn’t allowed himself in centuries, the Time Lord then stalked to the nearest desk, running his hands across the surface to angrily smash everything that he could to the floor. And then Rose was gone, around a corner, Jack in pursuit. The Doctor spat Gallifreyan obscenities, like they would change absolutely anything. A shatter of an empty mug prompted him to then pound a fist on the metal table. The skin would bruise, but his Time Lord genetics would heal it quickly enough. He wasn’t worried about that.

With the burst over with, the Doctor took laboured breaths before standing up straight again. River didn’t deserve this. “I’m sorry, River. I’m so, so sorry.” The Doctor hadn’t been racked with sobs for years, and he wasn’t about to start now. Instead, the tears forced their way through, rolling fat and heavy down his cheeks, like he had no idea they had escaped. “I… I wanted you to see Jack. To meet my friend. I wanted to tell you about the alien beauty contest that Jack accidentally sabotaged. Or the time that he broke out of a cage just to make sure that a plan went through. There was an entire year where he was killed countless times a day, and in the end, he still cracked jokes.” The bitterness in the Doctor’s voice was apparent. “I wanted him to see that I was finally happy. With you. River Song, the woman that saved me after I lost everyone. And as soon as I’m happy, everything shatters.”

Tears flowing faster, the Doctor returned to River, throwing his arms around her, burying his head into her neck, begging her silently just to be there. “I loved her, River. I really did. But… but I love you. If you ever left me, my hearts would break.”

[River Song]

River registered the deep pain that was etched in Rose's face. She was unsure why she could not allow herself to meet the woman's eyes for more than a moment; it wasn't as though things were necessarily her fault. She hadn't known, but she wasn't exactly sure that things would be any different if she had. Still, she wasn't completely aware how deep the Doctor's and Rose's relationship had been, what had been between them, what they had gone through. For all she knew, they had been in the closest of relationships that River should never even dare to try to breech - but the Doctor would have shared something of that gravity, wouldn't he?

She started slightly at Rose's words, pain slicing through her heart suddenly. She watched in shock as the other woman turned and left, listening faintly as the Doctor called after her. She nodded slightly at Jack in response, though his comment about her hadn't even been directed at her. She wondered how exactly she should take that, but decided not to dwell on it. He quickly left, going after Rose. The Doctor's arm had left her, and she felt cold, even more so as he relieved a close desk of its burdens that had been stacked across its top. She moved back slightly, watching as papers and various other items either dropped or fluttered to the floor. As the coffee mug broke, River jumped, closing her eyes for a second before opening them and looking down at the ground.

River couldn't remember a time when the Doctor had been like this, and it terrified her, quite frankly. If he was so torn up about this, what had been between the two? Those words that Rose had said... how strong of a meaning did they possess that they could conjure something like this within the Doctor? River suddenly realized how foreign and completely out of place she felt. While she had felt Cardiff had a nice quaint feel about it when they had first arrived, paired with the interest and comfort of meeting someone from her own time period, River knew that this wasn't exactly where she belonged - at least here, now, in this Torchwood Hub.

She glanced up as the Doctor came over to address her, looking him painfully in the eyes. It hurt her to see him like this, and it hurt her even worse to wonder what was going on in that head of his. While the last thought wasn't something that she wasn't familiar with, now had an entirely different meaning to her than before. She tried to smile slightly, but it only lasted a second before fading back into the confused frown. The bitterness of the Doctor seeped in, and she flung her own arms tightly around his neck as he pulled her close. She stood there with him, willing comfort and peace upon him, though not knowing how exactly to give it to him in such a position as she was in. Him admitting loving her wasn't quite the thing she wanted to hear, but at this point, she just wanted to know exactly what was going on here so she could understand. She clung to his last words, trying to draw comfort from them for herself as well, but it wasn't happening at the moment.

River decided that words perhaps weren't the best thing right now, and instead stayed there with him a few more minutes. Her mind vaguely wondered what was happening between Rose and Jack, but she didn't concern herself with it too much. She kept her arms tight around the Doctor before pulling back a little to kiss him on the cheek. Swallowing, knowing what needed to be done, she backed up a little more, withdrawing her arms from around his neck. She put her hand on his cheek, trying to force back hurt tears that she berated herself for having anyway. "Go to her," she whispered, afraid to make her voice any louder lest it break. She ran her thumb across his face for a moment, before returning that sorrowful smile for another instant upon her face. "Do what you do best, and try to fix it."

Swallowing again at the lump that was in her throat, River allowed her hand to fall away, and she took a step backwards. She held herself back from saying the thought that had immediately followed. As long as you come right back to me afterwards. She nodded at him, taking a deep breath and turning towards the mess that had littered the floor. Kneeling down, she picked up the broken pieces of the mug and stood up by the trash, pausing before tossing away the remains of what used to be a whole cup. The pieces had been too many and they were unsalvageable, so Jack would understand, she supposed. She returned to the papers, slowly trying to collect them back into their original stacks.

[Rose Tyler]

Hearing The Doctor call after her didn't make her stop. She ignored his words, he wasn't going to say he wanted to be with her, he wasn't saying anything other than... well, he was defending himself. It wasn't supposed to be this way... she already knew that. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and she didn't need to hear his try to say that he was sorry. Mostly, she didn't need to watch him look at that woman, or watch her look back... or worse, look at Rose. The whole situation didn't make any sense, and if she hadn't spent her life passing through the walls of universal dimensions, it would have been a god time to make a joke about alternate realities.

Rose didn't stop when she heard the sounds of things crashing to the floor faintly, she could guess what that was, and she didn't hesitate at the sound of footsteps, a sound that was much closer. Following her. She coudl guess who it was, especially when she heard him say her name, but what could he say? How many times could she hear someone tell her that they were sorry? They had no idea how sorry she was, or how much pain she was in. A part of her wondered how she was still able to function, her brain should have been shutting down and letting her black out. At least she wouldn't have to feel.

But she was still awake. Apparently she was stronger than she felt, and her body would let her give up, like she wanted to. So what was he supposed to do with herself? She'd come here hoping to find sactuary, and hoping that something here would make her feel connected and help her find the man she loved. But she didn't know where that man had gone, but something had happened to him. It left her alone, and with nothing... nothing, except an empty and broken heart, and a TARDIS that would take her as far as she could get.

That was the plan, at least it was, until someone very tall and strong stepped in her way. He blocked her path, and Rose had no choice but to stop. Rose looked up into his face, but she didn't know what he would try to do. Would he keep her there? Try to make her stay, make her talk to The Doctor? As they stood like that, in silence, Rose took in every line, and every aspect of his face. It wasn't until he finally spoke that she let her eyes move back up to meet his gaze. His eyes were intense, fixed right on her, and she wasn't positive exactly what emotion she saw in them... more than one, for sure.

She was glad that he wasn't trying to stop her, but his request to go with her didn't make sense. She knew thathe cared for her, and he wanted to... what, look out for her? Well, exactlywhathe wanted to gain was still a mystery, but that wasn't really the point. The whole idea of it didn't make sense. Besides, The Doctor was here, with his new.... whatever. He was always in one place for a reason, iand f Rose was already going, what if jack was needed? Shaking her head, Rose swallowed hard, feeling like her mouth was competely dry.

"You can't. You have to stay here, with Torchwood. They need you."

[Jack Harkness]

Jack’s heart broke all over again as he saw the shattered look on Rose’s face. When she couldn’t seem to kept track of where she was going, he knew that he was right. Someone needed to be with her. Someone she knew, trusted, and loved to a certain degree. She had to get through this incident, and Jack would help her. She might come out of it hating her (and that was really tragic), but Jack wouldn’t let her live like this. Rose had to move on, someway, somehow. Jack watched as when he spoke her eyes looked up at him. So lost, so lonely, so broken. Jack wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go. Protect her from everything hurtful in the world.

But the he’d have to protect her from himself. He knew Rose was debating with herself about letting him come, and he was guessing that she wasn’t going to let him, at least, not at first. But this Jack wasn’t one to take no for an answer the first time. He wasn’t letting her go alone, and that was final. When she spoke he breathed a slow and silent sigh of relief. If she was talking, she was thinking, and if she was thinking, than she was surviving. Jack shook his head and looked down at Rose tenderly. But his tone was serious as he spoke to her.

“Yes, they need me. Lots of people need me, and you too Rose.”

He told her, lifting up his hands and placing them on her shoulders gently. He shook his head some more as if to drive the point home for the blond. Poor Rose, she didn’t deserve this. Truth be told, no one did. Why was it that the people who risked everything, the people who fought to protect everyone always got hurt the deepest? Jack’s eyes closed and then he opened then again. Jack traced his hand lightly down the side of her face and cuped her chin gently and lifted it so that she might be able to look at him. He wanted her to hear and actually understand what he was saying to her.

“But you need me too Rose, you might not admit it, but you need me.”

Now, Jack wasn’t being vain. He honestly thought it was true. He couldn’t count the number of times he’d wished that someone had been there for him when he was in pain like this. Or that he’d had a shoulder of someone who understood to cry on. Jack looked back at Rose carefully, he swallowed almost nervously at what he had to say next. It was a little hard for him to admit this to Rose, after all, he thought with her in another dimension the hope of seeing her again was in the past. Dead and buried. Now that she was here his feelings from before had come back up to the surface. Jack let go of her chin and bowed his head, his shoulders dropped a little and he gave her a sad look.

“And I need you Rose.”

[The Doctor]

River just took his anger, and consoled him. The Doctor felt that he didn’t deserve her. He had acted like an immature brat, taking his frustration out on his surroundings, and because of his lack of money, he couldn’t repay the owner of the desk for the damages. The woman had so much faith in him. Because of his own emotion, the Time Lord didn’t register the jealousy that Jack had witnessed, but she had to be special to actually encourage her love to approach his old flame. What made him feel worse was that River took it upon herself to start cleaning up his mess.

Sighing heavily, the Doctor crouched down, helping her pick up papers and shards. “I can’t fix this. Not this time.” River picked up all of the salvageable pieces of mug, and suddenly he became very aware that she could cut herself. “Be careful, I don’t want you to cut yourself because I’m an idiot.” Together, they then ended up cleaning most of the mess, bar the dust and smaller sharp pieces crackling on the floor. When they were done, the Doctor leaned back up against the desk, backside resting on the corner. “We went through a lot together, me and Rose.”

Before that moment, he hadn’t ever spoken about exactly how close he and the blonde had met. “It started out as an accident. She was almost killed by Autons, and I saved her. And then we started travelling together.” Shaking his head at the memories, the Time Lord’s gaze never lifted from the floor. “I told you about the Daleks. Some escaped from the Time War, and me and Rose had to fight them, back in my ninth body. I sent her back in time, locked in the TARDIS to save her. And then she came back to save me.” Back on Satellite Five, the Doctor had never expected to find Rose forcing the TARDIS to reappear, to protect him. “She looked straight into the heart of the TARDIS and had all of the power of space and time inside of her. She wiped them all out, spreading the words ‘Bad Wolf’ everywhere that connected me and her to remind us of each other. I regenerated to take it all away from her, so she wouldn’t die.”

Maybe he was saying too much. “She was lost to the parallel world when Daleks and Cybermen came through to this Earth, when we sent them into nothingness. And she came back. I had to send her back again with a clone version of myself, born in battle and far too dangerous to be let on the loose.” He paused for a second, sniffing as he checked his facts. “Well, half human. Donna’s DNA mixed with my own to create him, so he only had one life. And I gave him to her, so she could always have a part of me.”

Reaching over, the Doctor looked up and took River’s hand. “But now it’s complicated. He’s gone – I don’t know how, but that’s the only way she would have come back here alone. It’s difficult to explain. But I’ve moved on, and I’ve fallen in love with you.” The tears stopped because he couldn’t bear them any more, bottling up more and more feeling, like he was used to doing. “Me going to her and saying, ‘Sorry, but I’ve found someone that I love more than I loved you’ isn’t going to help her. I’m just so sorry that you had to see all of this. I never want to hurt you, River.”

As he stood straight, the Doctor looked in the direction that Rose and Jack had disappeared to. For the first time in a lifetime, he genuinely had no idea what to do for the best, or whether Rose would forgive him. He never wanted to be the one to break her heart.

[River Song]

After they finished piling things back on the desk, River stayed kneeling on the floor beside the Doctor, letting her knees rest against the floor. She watched his features as he started off talking about the Daleks, how he and Rose had fought them in his ninth incarnation. He had sent her back, to... protect her? But obviously her stubbornness ran and she managed to get back. She was shocked that Rose had managed such a feat - or any human could, for that matter. It was certainly dangerous, or at least that's what she understand it as, anyway. The Doctor had made it abundantly clear not to try anything of the sort - assuming that had stemmed from that encounter. How Rose had accomplished all that was confusing enough, but that certainly showed River the depths that Rose would have gone into in order to save the Doctor.

River could hear the pain in the Doctor's voice at losing her... and then her coming back, only to be sent away again. That part of the story felt a little more glossed over than the first, and River couldn't help but want to know more. She had a feeling that had been all of what had happened before she had started to meet him herself. After all, that was when he had lost everyone, wasn't it? And he had told her that she had saved him from that. But Donna... he never quite told her what had happened to Donna. River felt a sadness for her that couldn't place, especially because she didn't know the whole story. But Rose... she had gotten a part of him. A clone part, which seemed to have hurt the Doctor too, concerning that, but she had had him. That was enough right?

But the Doctor said he was gone now. Perhaps that had been why Rose had appeared to have been crying when they first arrived. Had she just gotten here because this clone of his had died? Did she expect to get to return back at the Doctor's side since she had lost his clone? Did she not think that perhaps he would have tried to move on himself? River was trying to be all wise and understanding about this, but she couldn't help feeling a tinge of annoyance towards the other woman that she would expect the Doctor not to love again when she herself had - albeit a clone version of him. Still, as River tried to convince herself earlier, she didn't understand this in the depths of how close they had been. But for all she knew, it hadn't been all that deep to begin with. Yet she was a person to try to give the benefit of the doubt... And again yet, it was so hard when she was the one on this side of the relationship, standing beside the Doctor while the other person had to look at her loss.

River let him take her hand, squeezing it back for what would hopefully feel like comfort. She had no idea what to say, completely unsure for one of the first times in her life of what to do. He was saying that he didn't want to go to her, didn't want to break her heart. She understood that, but she also thought that maybe something could be done... She just didn't understand what this Rose was really like though. Maybe the Doctor was acting on experience and knew that he couldn't really do much more. At least now. Perhaps she would calm down, or maybe Jack would help her, and this could be sort out later. It wasn't helping things now, and River couldn't help but feel terrible about not being able to help the Doctor. As opinionated and full of words as she could be most of the time, this whole evening had left her at a loss of those words that usually came quite quickly.

River stood beside him, then leaned against the desk, hoping that the desk's owner wouldn't be too angry. She nodded at him sincerely though, looking in his eyes so he understood. "You don't worry about me," she told him, raising her chin a little to show that she could handle it. "I'm on your side. I'm the one that's sticking by you right now, even if it means having to see you in some of your difficulties. Just... try not to break anything else tonight." She smiled weakly, attempting to lighten the mood however much she could. She glanced back towards where Rose and Jack had gone to, then turned her attention back to the Doctor, wondering if there was anything else that could be done. "Should we... ?" she asked, nodding slightly towards the door she had gone through.

[Rose Tyler]

When Jack agreed with her, she was sure that he was seeing reason. He was remembered all of the work he did on Earth, with his team. He had the people of Torchwood to look after, not to mention the whole of Cardiff, Wales, England, his work probably saved the world a few times, too. Rose's certainly had. How could he leave all of that, just because of something as little as a heartbreak? Wel, no little, but definitely insignificant in the grand sceme of things. What did it matter to the rest of the universe, if Rose was happy or not?

She assumed that his thoughts were similar to hers, and that he was about to tell her that she was right, and he couldn't leave Maybe he woudl ask her to stay, or just tell her to keep in touch. Something sweet like that, but she found that she was completely wrong when his spoke again. His hands rested on her shoulders, letting her feel the weight of them, like they were keeping her from flying away. She let him lift her chin, but his words didn't make her want to have come. Of Course, she always wanted him around, he was one of the people she loved most, but she hated the reasoning.

She hated the idea that she needed him, whether it was true or not. In fact, she probably wouldn't have minded a few minutes ago. When she'd gotten here, she'd been relieved to have his help. But, everything was different now. She had spent a lot of her life relying on people. She was strong, but she'd always accepted help when she needed it. Her mother, her friends, and Jack's, The Doctors, and all of the friends they'd met along they way. She'd loved having them around, and knowing that she could trust them with the important parts of her life.

Now, however, she didn't want to need people. SHe didn't want to have to rely on anyone, because it kept ending badly. She kept trusting people, hoping that they would take care of her and keep her safe, while she tried to do the same. Like The Doctor. She'd trusted him with everything, and now when she absolutely needed him the most, he'd let her fall. Rose knew that she couldn't let that happen again. She couldn't put her life in someone else's hands anymore, because it always ended the same way, with her discarded and left for dead... almost.

The very idea made her feel weak, and angry. Angry at The Doctor and her own weakness. How coudl she still have been so naive, after everything? She'd gotten so comfortable with the idea in her head. She'd been so sure that things would be like they had been, but nothing was, and it was her own fault. Shaking her head, Rose was about to tell him no. She couldn't take him, he had to go back to work, and The Doctor, where he belonged. But his next words stopped her. He needed her? That almost made her forget her anger.

She hadn't even considered the fact that he might need her. She had felt so insignificant and small, she'd never let that thought cross her mind. Jack needed her, like she might deny that she needed him? That meant more than anything else she could think of... aside from her Doctor coming back. But that sentence made her look up at him, and stop trying to run around him and get away. Her eyes searched his for truth in his statement, and she thought she might see it in his beautiful blue orbs. She needed to feel needed, wanted, like she mattered.

"Come on."

She nodded, accepting him as her traveling companion, and walked around him. Maybe it was sefish... in fact, there was no maybe about it. She was allowing him to leave a place that needed him, because of her own personal needs. There was something very wrong about it, but after everything she'd done for the world, didn't she deserve a little bit of time to be selfish, and have someone look out for her? She'd been so strong during her Doctor's death, did she have to remain that strong for the rest of whatever life she would live, alone? Going to her TARDIS, rose pulled out her key to unlock the door, and stepped inside.

[Jack Harkness]

Jack watched the conflict on Rose’s face, and he didn’t say anything. This was something she had to decide for herself. And though he didn’t want her to be alone – knew she shouldn’t be alone for this, he had to allow her to make her own choices. Even if they would hurt her. So Jack watched, watched and waited as she thought. He thought back to when he’d first met Rose Tyler. The sort of man he’d been, the sort of man he’d become. He’d been a bitter man long before he’d met her and the Doctor, probably on the path to destroying himself with his methods of “getting back at people”.

But she’d changed that. Ever since he’d met her, he’d wanted to change who he was. And he had changed who he was. Instead of shunning responsibility, he was the most responsible person in the world. At least, he’d like to think that. And then his thoughts turned to Rose, whatever responsibility he had was null compared to hers. She was the one who looked after two worlds (the Doctor looked after more… but only in one dimension, so that didn’t count), and felt equally responsible for the both of them. Jack supposed she was his hero (heroine) or something, but that word just didn’t sit right. It felt… lame. Over-used. Out dated.

Jack’s thoughts turned back to Rose. She seemed doubtful that anyone would care if she wasn’t happy. He cared, the Doctor cared, River Song probably cared (though was probably glad that the Doctor was still with her and had not gone back to Rose). And then she seemed resistant to him telling her that she needed him, which Jack supposed was fair. He couldn’t exactly tell what she needed, but he knew that she should have company. Perhaps stating that she needed him was a bit… vain. But that was Jack for you. Vain till the last. He mentally grinned at this thought and then looked back at Rose. She seemed to be coming around when he mentioned that he needed her.

And surprisingly enough, Jack found it was true. He didn’t want her gone from his life again. She wanted him here, now, with him. Jack was damn sure that he wasn’t going to let her leave him again – not when he had a chance to go along with her. Plus, seeing her Tardis would be a very interesting thing. How similar would it be to the Doctor’s? Jack looked back down at Rose as she looked up into his eyes, searching for a lick of a lie. He didn’t have one and so didn’t fear when she fixed him with those serious blue eyes. Jack gave her a small smile.

When she agreed he nearly jumped into the air and pumped his fist, giving a shout of joy – but he held that back. It wasn’t too manly (though, since when had Jack worried about manly?) and he was sure that it would possibly put Rose off. So he remained still, but his grin widened. He allowed her to go by him this time and enter into her Tardis. Jack took a good look around as he stepped into the ship. He could still feel the hum of life emanating from the Time Lord tech, something he’d always been a little frightened of (don’t tell Rose or the Doctor though, but a living ship was…intimidating. Especially when it didn’t seem to like him.) Jack remained just a step behind Rose, and he placed a hand on her shoulder gently.

“So, Rose,” He asked calmly, trying to sound a bit more lovely, “Where to?”

He didn’t know about her, but he had all the time in the world to devote to making her feel like she was wanted, needed… loved.