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Group: Super Best Friends
Member No.: 2
Joined: 28-March 09
(South Park Elementary, hallway. The bell rings and after a few seconds, the kids pile out and start heading towards their lockers. Craig is rubbing his head, Clyde walking next to him.)
Craig- (Rubbing his head) I don’t know why he had to hit me.
Clyde- (Rolls his eyes and points at Craig) You’re the idiot who couldn’t spell Colorado.
(Stan’s locker. He is putting most of his books in there when Kyle approaches.)
Kyle- Stan, what are you doing tonight? Wanna come over?
Stan- Nah, I can’t. I have…something I’m doing tonight.
Kyle- Like what? Can I come?
Stan- (Unnerved) What are you doing? You probably wouldn’t enjoy it.
Kyle- (Deadpan and serious) My family is making me watch “Fiddler on the Roof” again.
Stan-Why does your family watch it again?
Kyle-Because it's about a Jewish family and it will be good to watch something about 'our' people.
Stan- Oh right, didn’t you watch that last night?
Stan- And the night before that?
Stan- And on Tuesday, when I was sick?
Kyle- (Annoyed) Yes.
Stan- And on Monday, when YOU were sick?
Kyle- (Very annoyed) Yes Stan, I have watched it every night of the week, so stop reminding me. (Normal) Are you sure I can’t come?
(Butters is walking past.)
Stan- (Sighs, looks down) Sure, come to my house before five. We should be back around eight.
Butters- (Turning to look at Stan, happy) Hey, can I come?
Stan- (Looking at him) You have no idea what it is.
Butters- Yeah, b-but my dad is making me-
Stan- The answer is no, Butters.
(Stan finishes with his books and the two walk off. Butters is left there alone.)
Butters- (Sad) W-why doesn’t anyone ever want to hang out with me? (He walks over to his locker, muttering angrily) I never get to play with them anymore. (He throws his books into the locker and slams it, then starts walking to the bathroom) Good for nothin’ friends…
(Dougie runs up behind Butters who's just about to enter the bathroom)
Dougie: Professor Chaos! Wanna come over to my house afterschool to-
Butters: Ah geez, Dougie. Do we always have to go out and do nothing but cause death and destruction?
Dougie: But Professor, doesn’t being evil make you happy?
Butters: (sighs) I know, but sometimes I'd rather have fellas I can play with instead of pretending to be a mass-murdering supervillian...
(Butters walks into the bathroom, leaving Dougie standing there)
Dougie: I thought we were friends though... what an assh*le. (walks away mumbling)
(He enters the bathroom, walks to the urinal, pulls his pants down and his shirt up, and starts up. We hear nothing for a second until we hear…)
Cartman- (V.O., Moaning) No…more…fajitas…(Unpleasant sound) Oh my God…
Butters- Y-You okay in there, Eric?
Cartman- (Upset) Go away, Butters!
Butters- Hey Eric, are you doing anything tonight?
Cartman- (More upset, perhaps not because of Butters) Nothing involving you- Oh God, oh Go-AIIIEEE (Straining sound) Ah!(A momentary pause, then relief) Oh, thank God, thank Jesus…
Butters- Alright, I was just checking to see if you were going to Stan’s house f-for whatever he invited Kyle there to do. He s-seemed like he was d-defensive about it.
Cartman- (V.O.) What is it?
Butters- (Finishes) I don’t know, and I-I don’t think he wants me to know. (Washes his hands, then turns defiantly towards Cartman’s stall) Well, that’s fine by me. He doesn’t want to be m-my friend, he doesn’t have to be.
(He walks out.)
Cartman- (V.O.) What would Gayboy want to show Jewy? (Pause) What, no toilet paper? (Pause) Ahh, sh*t.
(Marsh living room. Stan, his parents, and Kyle have their coats on and are preparing to leave. Stan has his backpack on and his coat is somewhat loosened. Kyle, meanwhile, is stifling a laugh.)
Kyle- (Giggling, then stopping) I…I can’t believe you had to wear that while we were being punished.
Stan- God, it was awful. I had to beg the other classmates to not post those pictures online and took a few ‘sick’ days.
Kyle- Is it all worth it?
Stan- Hell yeah, dude. I have loads of fun.
Kyle- I just never pegged you as the type.
Stan- The what type?
(There is a knock at the door. Sharon, complete with earrings, opens it. It is-)
Cartman- (Fake sincerity) Hello, Mrs. Marsh. May I come in?
Sharon- (Smiling) Certainly, Eric.
(He walks in, looking around as if inspecting the room. He walks ever closer to Stan.)
Kyle- Why are you here, Cartman? Stan didn’t invite you.
Cartman- (Fake niceness) Oh, Kyle, can’t a friend come over to see a friend? (When close to Stan, whispering) What are you going to show Jewey?
Stan- (Blunt) Get out of here, fatass.
Cartman- (Taken aback) Stan, c’mon now, I’m just as cool as Kyle. Maybe I’ll be good at it too.
(Kyle starts laughing. Before Cartman can respond-)
Stan- (Rolls his eyes) Kyle, shut up.
Kyle- (Laughing hard) I-I can’t! Hahahaha-hahaha!
(He laughs so hard he falls to the ground. Annoyed, Stan starts pushing Cartman towards the door.)
Stan- Just go, Cartman.
Cartman- But I’m- what the- stop pushing- cut it ou-!
(He is pushed outside of the door, and it is shut.)
Cartman- (Angered) Well, f*ck you too!
Grandpa- (Through the door, faint) I just pooped my pants.
Sharon- (V.O) Dad, you said you were ready!
Grandpa- I was, then I pooped mah pants.
Sharon- (V.O, sighs) Damnit…Randy, your turn.
Randy- (V.O., mumbling) I don’t even wanna go to this stupid thing…
(Cartman suddenly looks up, thinks for a second, and smiles.)
(Butter’s house, ten minutes later. Butters is doing some homework alone in the living room when there is a knock at the door. Butters opens it to reveal Cartman in all his piggish, disgusting glory.)
Cartman- (Breathless) Butters! This…this is important.
Butters- (Worried) What's wrong Eric?
Cartman- (Looking down, breathless still) No time…for talk, I need…your camera.
Butters- (Puzzled) Why?
Cartman- (Angry) Just do what I say, goddamnit!
(Five minutes later, Cartman household. Liane is balancing her check book on the kitchen table and listening to oldies, drumming her pen to the beat and looking pleased. Suddenly, her little piece of heaven is shattered by the sound of Lord McFucking Fatass barging through the front door, red faced and without any breath, a still fit Butters close in tow. Cartman desperately points from Butters to his mom and does this multiple times.)
Butters- (Hesitant) Oh, okay Eric, I got it. (To Liane) Cartman told me he needs you to tail the Marsh family’s car.
Liane- (In a remarkably good mood, smiling, eyes closed as she continues listening) Why can’t Eric ask me?
Butters- (Remembering what he was told to say, eyes closed) Because he knew he was going to be out of breath as his big bones hold him back from his true destiny as a superb athlete so he told me at my house what to say when the cruel fates conspired against him. (Eyes open) Yeah, w-what he said.
Liane- (Still in a damn fine mood) Sure, sweetie.
(Fifty minutes later, to the east of South Park in a rural area. One lone building, a large one with a large parking lot, stands in the middle of a clearing. The parking lot is fairly full. The Marsh family pulls up and the entourage gets out. Stan takes a special entrance while everyone else files in through the main entrance. Liane’s car pulls up- blasting Rod Stewart, which is making her a very happy woman. As the car comes to a stop, The back doors come flying open as Butters and Cartman flee the vehicle.)
Cartman- Oh my God, what is that crap?!
Butters- Why did s-she have to put it on repeat?
Liane- (Rolling the window down) Honey, do you want me to come in.
Cartman- (Distraught still) No mom, stay here and turn that crap off.
Liane- Okay, sweetie.
Butters- So what do we do now?
(Cartman looks around and finds the entrance Stan took. It says “Performer’s Only”.)
Cartman- Hmm…(Smiles) Oh man, Butters, we need to find a good seat!
(They enter the auditorium, which can easily seat a hundred people. About sixty seats are filled. Cartman quickly scans and finds the best seat to film from- but it is taken. He approaches the woman who has taken it.)
Cartman- Ma’am, ma’am, I need this seat.
Woman- I beg your pardon?
Cartman- You see, I’m a professional photographer and I need this seat to get the best shot.
Woman- (Looks him up and down) You don’t look professional.
Cartman- (Scoffs, cocky) Listen lady, you remember the Saddam Hussein hanging video? That was my work, it was genius. Don’t sit here and belittle my craft!
Woman- I’m so sorry…that was really quite brilliant. Okay, well, I guess I can move over.
Cartman- (Fake sincerity) That is so very appreciated. (They sit down, to Butters) Dumb bitch.
(Cartman adjusts his camera to see the stage. Suddenly, the room goes dark…)
Announcer- (Woman with an Eastern European accent) Vladies and Gentlemen, Velcome to ze pervormance of Ms. VodaVon’s Vallet class, “Giselle”…
(Cartman household, later that night. Cartman is sitting at his desk chatting on the phone.)
Cartman- Very well, I'll see you at my party tomorrow.
(The call ends, and Cartman dials another number. After several seconds, he receives an answer.)
Cartman- Yo, what's up Jason? (pause) Well guess what? I'm having a kick-ass party at my house tomorrow. Wanna' come over? (pause as Cartman's face starts to scowl) I know it's not my birthday tomorrow, assh*le! Why can't I have a party whenever I want? (another pause as he softens up a bit) Well uhh... you see, I know all of my friends love my Mom's delicious cake. However, to only allow you guys to come over only once a year to eat it would be a grave injustice. That's why I decided to have another party. (pause) Oh that's right, we'll also have a screening of the bootleg copy I got of the Canadian version of Asses of Fire 2 that contains ten percent more Terrance. (Pause) So you're gonna' come over tomorrow after-school? (pause) Awesome, I'll see ya' there.
(Cartman hangs up the phone, and grabs the DVD containing the footage of Stan's performance on his desk.)
Cartman- Heh, that pussy Stan will get what's coming to him once everyone sees this video. Everyone will think he's a homosexual, and I'll be a hero for revealing his secret to the world.
(Cartman sets the DVD on the desk and walks over to his open closet. He bends down next to a cardboard box and takes a peek inside of it.)
Cartman- And who knows? Maybe his butt-buddy will finally break up with him and see who really is the coolest kid in class? (Cartman takes his head outside the box, showing an evil grin planted on his face) Oh, yes he will. Yes he will...
(He is broken out of his trance by the phone ringing.)
Cartman- (V.O) Hello? Butters, did you get in contact with the homosexual’s classmates? And? For only ten dollars?! Yes! Good job, good job. So the pictures have him in a- yes? And did you get the tape of a practice? You did?! Damnit Butters, when did you become so good-(Angered) YOU WHAT?! You sold the 360?! You stupid- that was mine, you f*cking idiot! (Calms down) alright alright alright, if you can record that data onto some discs and get those pictures on T-shirts by this time tomorrow, I won’t rip your nut sack off. Okay? Okay. Good bye.
Cartman- (Sighs) Well, I stole that one in the first place, so a net gain for me.
(Cartman’s house. There is a knock at the door and Cartman gets up, with his rolls bouncing up and down as he walks toward the door. He opens the door- it is Stan and Kyle, both who look a little worried.)
Cartman- Oh good you came, come in and take a seat, my mom has the cake right there on the table and we have chips in the kitchen. I'm so glad that you came Stan and- and…yes, Jew.
(Kyle rolls his eyes and they step inside the house.)
(A few minutes later a few more people knock at the door and he lets them in. The crowd now includes the majority of the male students of the class)
Cartman- Okay, everybody is here and now for your feature presentation. (Cartman goes over to the couch and finds it full and is annoyed.) Goddamnit guys, this is my house. (Looks) Move over Clyde.
Clyde- But I got here first!
Cartman- (Mocking) But I got here first! (Normal) I called that seat before you ever came here, so get your ass on the ground.
(Clyde gets off meekly and Cartman launches himself into place. Stan and Kyle are sitting to his left.)
Stan- Start the movie, Cartman.
Kyle- Yeah, I want to see the never before released in America version of Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire 2.
Jimmy- W-With t-ten percent m-m-more T-T-T-Terrance!
Cartman- (Smiles) Okay guys. Ready for the show are we?
(Cartman flicks the remote and pushes play.)
(The camera is off center, but you can still tell that Stan is right in front of it. He is in a leotard with a baggy brown shirt, with his hands down in a circle like shape. His feet were some what crossed and bent down. There are other dancers and it is part of some sort of choreographed dance, but the focus is on Stan. Cartman starts laughing immediately, and some of the group laughs afterwards. Stan stares at the screen in disbelief.)
Stan- (Stunned) Bu-but how did you get this?
Cartman- I have ways, Marsh.
(The screen shows Stan dancing across the screen with ease.)
Jason- (Upset) Hey, where is Terrence and Phillip movie you said that you are going to show?
Cartman- Oh that? Well.... I don't have it, but I can assure you that this is better.
Jason- It's not Terrence and Phillip though-
Cartman- Shh! You are ruining the show.
Toby- (Small white kid with very plain features, slow speaking) But there is not Terrance, nor any Phillip.
Cartman- Just shut up, you weird little third grader!
(A few chuckles are dispersed throughout the group as Stan is now doing an En Pointe.)
Stan- (Trying to change the subject) Yea, it's not Terrance and Phillip....
Cartman- Oh, shut up you flippin’ pansy-boy.
(Stan looks downcast.)
Cartman- (Looks at the screen, where Stan is twirling around.) Look at that girly boy dancing across the screen! Hahahaha!
Craig- (Dumfounded) What a pussy.
Cartman- (Pointing to Craig) That's right Craig. Real men don't dance.
Stan- Hey! I am a real man!
Cartman- Oh go and get your tutu and dance it out.....I'm surprised you didn't have it there on you, Stan.
Clyde- He had a tutu?
Cartman- Oh yea, man if he wore that this would be perfect.
Stan- Hey! (Looks around nervously) I don't have a tutu!
Cartman- And that's why I saw it at your house last night?
Stan- But- aww man....listen, when we had to crossdress, that exten-
(The group laughs at Stan's expense and then continues to watch the show.)
Bill- Look at him! That homosexual is enjoying it!
Kyle- (Getting pissed off) Cartman! Tell me how you got this now!
Cartman- How do you think, Kyle? I taped it.
Kyle- WHAT?! How did you find out-
Cartman- Oh shut up Jew, you are starting to sound like your bitchy mom.
Kyle- Cartman! Stop this now! You’re embarrassing Stan!
Stan- (Silently) Kyle, just-
Cartman- (Ignoring Kyle) I knew he liked cross-dressing during that punishment, he just refuses to say it. Why else would Stacey would have makeup on? All day I might add. ALL. DAY.
(Some of the group thinks about this and agrees with Cartman.)
Stan- (Exasperated) f*ck you, Cartman. So I like ballet, so what? Football players take it too, you know.
Cartman- (Scoffs) Yeah, right.
(Another burst of laugh at something Stan does on screen.)
Kyle- (Standing up) Let’s get out of here Stan.
(The two get up and walk towards the door. Kyle opens the door and Stan turns around.)
Stan- (Flips Cartman off) f*ck YOU, CARTMAN!
(The two head out the door, Kyle slams the door. They start walking down the street.)
Stan- (Perplexed and annoyed) How did he find about this?
Kyle- I don't know, I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later. It wasn’t me, I know that much.
Stan- (Sighs)I know it wasn’t you, you don’t tell Cartman anything. I just hope he doesn't get too carried away....
(Much later that night, the living room at Cartman’s house is a mess. He is standing at the doorway, looking out.)
Cartman- (Eyes shut angrily) GODDAMNIT TOBY, I HATE WHAT YOU ARE SO! (Slams the door) I hate idiots oh so very much.
(He walks to his bedroom. He slows down in the hallway.)
Cartman- Did you see, Kyle? Did you see your ‘friend’? Do you see what he offers? I hope you did, Kyle. I really hope that, maybe, you aren’t half as dumb as you sound…
(Cafeteria. The boys are at their normal table. Stan has his head down, hat off, as he approaches. He is limping and wearing green shorts, short ones.)
Kyle- Stan, what’s wrong? And why are you late?
Stan- (Sitting down, throwing his hat on the table) What’s wrong? Clyde took my hat off and spit in it, (Laughs from the boys) and then Craig tossed in something green that I don’t really want to find out what it is. (Laughs from the boys) Then they gave it to Timmy and he took off. (Laughs from the boys) I was trying to catch up, but Token pantsed me (Laughter) so I had to go to the nurse who gave me these shorts meant for a second grader. (Laughter) Then Victoria went to get the pants from Timmy, but Timmy lost them. (Laughter)
Kyle-…I was asking about the limp.
Stan- Oh. (Pause) I pulled a muscle during the recital.
Kyle- Why haven’t I seen you limp around?
Stan- This isn’t the first time I’ve hurt myself. I’m usually pretty good about hiding it, but I don’t really feel like hiding it right now.
Cartman- Aww, poor wittle baby have tiny wittle boo boos?
Clyde- Maybe his little boyfriend will help?
Cartman- (Low, somewhat defensive) Hehe, Kyle wouldn’t want to help.
Stan- Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? You’ve all known me your whole lives, and I’ve been taking ballet for a year of that time. It doesn’t change who I am or who you remember.
Craig- Yeah, but we didn’t know you were a prancing pansy.
Jimmy- Y-Y-Yeah. N-now, we don’t have any r-r-r-r-r-r-r-respect for you.
Kyle- But WHY?
Cartman- (Standing up, speaking quickly) Because he has lied to us for too long. It is one thing to be a prancy boy masquerading as a captain of manliness. It is another, friends, to lie about it. Stan, we aren’t mocking you because you are a pansy-
Craig- I am.
Cartman- (Continuing) -we are mocking you because you a liar. See, because you are such a homosexual yet are somehow a well known athlete, you would normally be about in the middle of the social ladder. You would be above such social termites like Butters-
Cartman- -And Clyde
Clyde- (Pause, then looks down) Yes, its true.
Cartman- (Continues) And would be forgotten by the likes of Token and I.
Kyle- (Scoffs) You?
Cartman- (Quick) Shut up. (Normal) But since you are a liar above all else, you are now at the very bottom of the ladder. This will continue until you hit, thankfully, rock bottom. After you get out of rehab for your heroin addiction- something we all know you are capable of- then you can work your back up.
Stan- Why the hell are you so happy?
Cartman- (Fake consternation) I’m not happy, Stan. I really wish you weren’t a pansy, but you are. Now that means I’ll have to be the top male, the Alpha male if you will.
Craig- Who said you are the alpha male? I’m stronger than you.
Kyle- Everyone is stronger than Cartman.
Cartman- Lies, I tell you!
Token- And I’m smarter than you.
Kyle- Everyone is smarter than Cartman.
Cartman- (Angry) LIES! DAMNABLE LIES! (Calms down) Listen, I discovered his secret, I get his position. This is how it works in government, so deal with it.
(Cartman continues speaking. Wendy walks over from her table and touches Stan on the back.)
Wendy- Hey, Stan.
Stan- Wendy, have you-
Wendy- Yeah, I saw the video on YouTube.
Stan- (Pale) Oh, God.
Wendy- Yeah! I thought you looked really good up there. You did well. Why did you think you had to keep it a secret from me?
Stan- Well, I mean, it is a bit emasculating.
Wendy- And that is a bad thing?
Wendy- Oh, come on, you don’t have to pretend to be such a big shot with me. I love you no matter what. (Looking away) Besides, we all have secrets.
Stan- (Quizzical look) Like what?
Wendy- (Deep breath) I-
Intercom- (Victoria) Stan Marsh, your pink pants have been recovered. Come to the Principal’s office.
(Silence, then laughter bursts across the cafeteria.)
Stan- (About to snap) It wasn’t f*cking pink BEFORE.
Craig- I guess Timmy found the dye!
Stan- (Clenches his fists and then opens his eyes quickly while slamming the table in anger) AHHHHHHHHH!
(He leaves in a puff.)
Cartman- Woah, I guess he still has his leotard riding his ass crack.
Kyle- (Perturbed) Guys, you gotta stop this. Stan is usually nice to you or at least tolerant, and you’re being jerks about something so inconsequential that it’s not even funny. Just try to be a little sympathetic.
(Principal's office. Principal Victoria is at her desk doing paperwork when Stan, still wearing the green shorts, opens the door and enters the room.)
Stan- (Uneasy) You uhhh... have my jeans?
Victoria- Oh, let me get them Stan. (Opens her drawer and starts digging through it.) By the way, last night I saw the YouTube video of you doing ballet. My husband didn't stop laughing for a few hours.
Stan- (Muttering while pinching his nose.) Goddamnit-
(Victoria finds Stan's pink jeans and gives it to him. The jean has now shrunk tremendously and has been bedazzled with feminine words, prints, and glitter.)
Victoria- Don't look ashamed; every child should pursue their dreams, no matter what anyone else thinks. That is what I told my husband, and he felt so ashamed of himself that he promised to buy you a ticket to see Swan Lake in Denver!
Victoria- (Determined) If you want to become a ballet dancer when you grow up, by all means do it! If you want to wear pink bedazzling jeans too, let no one stop you! I mean, they may say that it is highly unusual for a male to wear jeans that not even Prissypants McFem would wear, but do what you want to do, not what society wants you to do!
Stan- (Looking more ill at ease.) Actually, those jeans weren't pink when I-
Victoria- Nonsense! You should change into your pink jeans now and let everyone know that you won't be bullied by them! (Gets up and starts ushering Stan out of her office towards the adjoining Nurse's office.) If anyone gives you any trouble, let us know and I'll have their butts suspended. And Swan Lake is next month, so you have all the time in the world to accept the offer.
Stan- Yeah... thanks Principal Victoria.
(He walks out of the office, head down.)
(The next day, end of school. While most of the kids are going through their lockers, a small group crowds around Cartman.)
Clyde- I knew something was up last week when he was cheerleading. He was doing too well too fast and wasn’t as angry as the rest of us. Now I know why; he was dancing the whole time!
Cartman- Yeah! I bet that secretly that he likes getting manicures and shopping all day too. (Slams his locker door shut, whispers loudly and quickly.) Goddamnit Kyle, why can’t you see what I see? Why can’t you see the lies?…
Cartman- (Catching himself) Oh, uhh, why can’t Kyle just stop being such a homosexual himself and mock Stan with the rest of us?
Craig- (Ignoring) What are we going to call him when he gets back?
Cartman- (Thinking.) Femboy would work, but it's not quite harsh enough. What about ballerina? No...
That wouldn't work because it's true- (Pauses) aha! I got it! Here's what we are all going to say when he comes back.
(Whispers to the group)
Jason- By god, that's perfect.
Jimmy- (Blunt) T-T-That’s lame.
Cartman- Shut up, Jimmy. No one likes you. Besides, I heard from his sister that it’s true.
(Nearby, Kyle is going through his locker while talking to Kenny.)
Kyle- (Obviously annoyed) Can you believe this, Kenny?
Kenny- I really don't care what Stan does, if he likes to be a pansy, fine; if not, fine. Especially if it attracts the ladies.
Kyle- (Rolls his eyes) Well, at least you give him that much. Why are the others so hard on him?
Kenny- Well, probably because Stan’s a f*cking pussy.
(Kyle shakes his head and continues to put books into his backpack. Meanwhile, Stan is walking slowly down the hallway, wearing his backpack and looking downcast. He tries walking past Cartman’s group, but Cartman notices and blocks him.)
Stan- Please get out of my way Cartman.
Cartman- Oh no, you are not going anywhere.
Stan- All I'm trying to do is-
Cartman- Be a girl? We all know that.
(Snickers from the crowd.)
Stan- No, trying to get to my locker, now if you don't mind-
(Stan tries to get around Cartman, but his stomach is so huge that Stan can’t get around him. Cartman's posse meanwhile surrounds Stan.)
Cartman- So, I heard from a very reliable source that you love wearing girl clothes all the time.
Stan- (Defensive) Screw you, assmaster! That's not true!
(Around the bend, in another hallway, the girls are clustered.)
Wendy- (Confused) O-Okay, well, emergency meeting of Congress called to session. Emergency powers in use, Speaker Stevens has the floor.
(Bebe, followed by Red, Heidi, and Millie who carries a very small duffel bag, stands in front of the crowd and in front of Wendy.)
Bebe- (Impassioned) Girls, I’ll cut to the chase without our normal formalities. Our greatest activities are being co-opted by males in the name of equality. Equality is meant for US, not for THEM. Recently, we were all forced to switch gender roles. Who here enjoyed it? Not a damn single one of us, that’s for sure. However, under the guise of equality, we have reason to believe that several boys enjoyed theirs.
Millie- It isn’t right. We girls don’t have all the options that boys have available to us. We have to treasure what we have.
Bebe- As such, the recent announcement that Stan takes ballet, an activity for US, and enjoys it, must not be met with joy. We have to get him to quit ballet by making his life miserable here at school.
Wendy- (Angry) NO. I’m not going to let the Congress hear this bull crap.
Heidi- (Snapping) You will because we MUST take action.
Millie- I haven’t taken competitive dance for four years just to be overshadowed by a pansy!
Red- (Getting back on track) Anyway, with the sources Millie has in the dance community, we have obtained information and items to further our plan entitled “Operation: Blue Balls”.
Bebe- The goal of the plan is to embarrass Stan sufficiently enough to either quit ballet or lower his social status so that any future boys wishing to partake in feminine activities will think twice. What we need to do is-
Wendy- (Shouting) NO! (Normal, angry) I, as Leader of the Congress, veto this idea without even having to hear it. This is mean spirited and against the very core beliefs of the Congress as stated by the founders: To promote all things girly. This is a promotion of something girly we couldn’t have paid for!
Bebe- (Flat) We already have the votes on the Committee to override you. We just need a Sunshine from the girls at large. (To the rest) Anywho, the plan is…
(Over the shoulder viewpoint shot from Bebe as she explains it to the rest of the girls. We see the looks on the face of the girls go from puzzled, to amused, to laughter.)
Bebe- (Finishing up) So, doing one thing a week for the next three months, we can do this while not interfering with our normal goals. I believe we are ready for a vote. (Slowly looks over to Wendy, smiling.) Wendy?
Wendy- (Takes off her beret, holding her head in one hand) Does Operation: Blue Balls sparkle with the girls?
Girls- (All of them) Sunshine!
Wendy- (A moment later, defeated) Sunshine…
(Back in the original hallway, Stan and Cartman are arguing.)
Stan- (Blushing) That was during when we all had to wear girl’s clothes, Cartman!
Cartman- Oh, really? Shelley says it is every Sunday night. It explains why you aren’t online then!
Stan- (Incensed) WHY WOULD YOU BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS, YOU FAT PIECE OF sh*t?!
(The girls round the bend and approach Stan and Cartman.)
Red- Hey, ballet-boy! What makes you think you can get away with doing stuff that only we girls are supposed to do?
Heidi- Yeah! Are you trying to stalk girls for your sick male pleasures?
Cartman- Get lost, hoes! I’m the one that’s allowed to make fun of our little ballerina here!
Bebe- (Rolling her eyes) Whatever, butthole.
(The girls swarm around Cartman despite his vocal protests and gang up on Stan, while the rest of Cartman’s gang looks on.)
Bebe- Now, if you want to be a dancing pervert, you might as well dress the part first.
(The girls laugh loudly, which gains Kyle’s attention. He and Kenny see what is going on and rush over to confront the group. Meanwhile, a few girls hold Stan down and stuff his mouth with socks to prevent him from screaming or talking. The onlookers provide cover for this and prevent Kyle or anybody else from seeing what is going on.)
Kyle- Hey! Leave him alone! He hasn't done anything to you!
Kenny- (Not all that interested) Yeah!
(Cartman turns to look at Kyle and smirks as he walks up to him.)
Cartman- Oh yeah, Jewy? You think you're so tough? Or are you really as weak as your lady friend here?
(The girls take off Stan’s pants, shoes, and socks. Millie opens up her backpack and proceeds to give the items to Red and Bebe, who force them on Stan, while Stan’s pants, shoes, and socks go into her backpack. The backpack is thrown to Annie, who runs down the hallway and out the front door.)
Kenny- (Continuing the conversation.) Score for Kyle!
Kyle- That's not what he's talking about Kenny. Leave Stan alone, fatass.
Cartman- Aww coming to save the damsel in distress are we? Then Stan can make sweet love to your assh*le after you save him. Why can’t you see that he just isn’t worth your time?
Kyle- Just let Stan go!
Cartman- Sorry, but apparently these bitches are doing something-
(Giggly evilly, the girls step away from Stan. He has pink pantyhose on with a pink tutu on while his feet are encased in a black pair of ballet flats. Everyone that can see stops to look at Stan. Three girls immediately snap pictures while many others, males included, start laughing.)
Cartman- (Fake astonishment) Oh, look. The girls finally brought Stan’s inner woman out of him. Don’t you think he looks hot in that outfit, Kyle?
(All the onlookers point their fingers at Stan and laugh loudly.)
Stan- f*ck YOU GUYS!
(Stan storms out of the hall and exits the school as fast as he can in his ballet flats. Kenny and Kyle follow while everyone else around keeps laughing. As they exit the doors to the bus, kids filing out on either side, Stan is in front of the majority of the school, and the derisive laughter comes from all angles. Stan looks at Annie’s family car driving away, the bus, the crowd, and then goes back inside. He runs- or more accurately, glides- to the bathroom. He starts breaking down slowly. When Kenny and Kyle enter, he is crying softly into the sink.)
Kyle- (Shocked) We need to do something about this.
Kenny- (Kidding) Like f*cking Stan right here, right now?
(Kyle glares at Kenny.)
Kenny- (Looking down) Sorry.
Stan- (Ignoring Kenny's comment, sniffling) Well, what do I do, Kyle? The last month has been hell for more reputation and now every waking moment is hell. You know how y-you’re supposed to put in your application for All-Region Football team, right? I was in the final selection this year, but when they received word as to what happened, they took it as meaning I had meant to apply for Cheerleader. I was taken off the registry for Quarterback- and I got in as a cheerleader because they were worried about getting flak from treating that ‘little cheerleading kid’ from that show they filmed while all that was going on differently. Guess what? I get what I want- I get All-Region. But I get it only if I go as a Cheerleader, a female one, and the Registry has it as Stacey. It took me two years to get into consideration, It’ll take me two years just to get back to the first square. And now this! Just when I had something I enjoyed that couldn’t be f*cked around with…
Kyle- (Sternly) Stan, I’ll never say this again to you, but you need to man up and stop being such a pussy. You enjoy ballet, dude? Take it! But now you’ve been found out, and sh*t won’t be the same for you any longer. That does not mean you can’t get them to stop, and that does not mean they can disrespect you with impunity. We can stop them, and it has to start with Cartman. If we can dig up something on him and embarrass him and you keep on doing what you do with your head held high, then we can get through this.
Stan- (Washing his face) I-I see…yeah, you’re right. We’ll get Cartman…and we’ll get him tonight.
Kyle- You have a plan?
Stan- (Grinning viciously) Yeah, I think I do.
Favourite Episode of S13: Margaritaville
Least Favourite Ep of S13: Pee
Group: Super Best Friends
Member No.: 2
Joined: 28-March 09
(The sidewalk leading to Cartman’s house. Stan, Kenny and Kyle are in black burglar outfits and have their faces painted, with Kenny having painted over his parka. Walking alongside them is Butters.)
Butters- For two hours? Y-You’ll really be needing that long?
Kyle- Quit your complaining. I’m letting you borrow Chainsaw Death Squad: Tournament Edition. Just occupy Cartman for two hours and you get the game for a month.
Butters- T-That’s an awfully good deal, K-Kyle.
(They are in front of Cartman’s house now. Stan and Kenny go around the corner and Kyle follows. They all crouch down past a window.)
Stan- (As they’re walking) Chainsaw Death Squad? Dude, even you wouldn’t let me borrow that when you first bought it.
Kyle- (As they settle underneath Cartman’s window) Ike scratched it. It’s worthless now.
Kenny- Don’t you think that’s a bit mean?
Kyle- (Dumbfounded) Videogames are serious business, Kenny.
(Cartman is in the living room, watching the news and looking rather bored. Liane walks towards the door, trash bag in hand.)
Cartman- (Sighs) My mundane home life…why can’t Stan and Kyle be here for my entertainment?
(There is a knock at the door. Liane, trash bag in hand, opens the door. It is Butters.)
Liane- Why hello there.
Butters- H-Hi, Mrs. Cartman. I just got a new game and was wondering if Eric wanted to come over and play.
Liane- (Hefts the bag up) Oh, I’ll go ask him right now. (Turns halfway, then back) Butters, could you do me a favor? Take this to the garbage.
Butters- Uhh, sure, I guess.
(She hands him the trash bag. He struggles with it for a second and then starts walking towards the dumpster. Liane walks back inside and goes to Cartman.)
Liane- Sweetie, your little friend Butters has a new video game and wants to play it with you. He wants you to go to his house.
Cartman- (Sighs, eyes shut) Mom, Butters is a douche bag. I’d…(thinks)…might as well, I have nothing else to do. Besides, maybe he has more gossip I can use.
(He gets up and waddles towards the front door. He meets Butters, who is rubbing his thigh.)
Butters- (Worried) Mrs. Cartman, something kept poking me, like a needle or something from the bag. I-It sorta hurt.
Liane- (Hand to mouth) Oh, my. Butters, when is your next doctor’s appointment?
Butters- (Thinking) Six months…or was that nine…I don’t really know. Why?
Liane- Oh, you might want to have one in the next week or so. And I’m sorry in advance.
(She pushes Cartman out of the door and shuts it.)
(From the viewpoint of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, we see Cartman and Butters get onto the sidewalk and start moving. After a few seconds, the two vanish from view and the boys look up to Cartman’s second floor room.)
Kyle- Okay guys, let's see what lardass has kept from us.
(Cartman’s bedroom. The room is dark as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny climb up to the window using a ladder.)
Stan- (Whispering) Kyle, can you get the window open?
Kyle- (Above Stan and closest to the window) Shh! You want Cartman’s mom to find us? (Reaches for the window only to find it’s already open.) Huh; why would Cartman leave his window open?
Kenny- (Below Stan) Because otherwise, his farts will suffocate anyone who walks into his room.
Stan- Aww, sick dude…
Kyle- (Annoyed) Kenny, that was such a bad joke that I’m actually angry with you.
Kenny- Who said I was joking?
(The three boys all climb into Cartman’s room and quietly begin searching his room.)
Stan- (Searching Cartman’s desk) I don’t see anything good here. How about you, Kenny?
Kenny- (Digging underneath Cartman’s bed) It’s kinda too dark for me to see anything. (Looks up) Besides, you aren’t actually looking through anything, you’re just being a retard and looking at his desk.
Stan- (Looking through the desk now) Oh god, he keeps old candy in here- and what the hell is that stench?
Kenny- (Tightening his hood) It…it’s terrible!
Kyle- (Going through Cartman’s closet) Yeah, it is like old pork rinds added with the horrible stench of...whatever the hell his mom’s dinners smell like.
(The boys keep up their search in their particular areas. Kenny starts reaching under the bed.)
Kenny- f*ck, Cartman has a whole pile of sh*t under his bed. I bet that he-
(A loud, inhuman screech coming from beneath the bed fills the room as the boys jolt in horror. Rushing out of the bed comes Mr. Kitty, who was apparently disturbed by Kenny.)
Liane- (V.O.) My, my. Is that you, Mr. Kitty?
Kyle- (Hushed) Quick! In here!
(The boys dash into the closet and hide themselves as best as they can, doing so just as Liane opens the door.)
Mr. Kitty- (Staring blankly at Liane) Meow.
Liane- Oh dear, how did you get yourself locked in here? (Picks up Mr. Kitty)
Mr. Kitty- Meow.
Liane- (Cooing) Come here, my boo-boo. Let your mommy take care of you after that scare you just had-
(Liane walks out of the room and shuts the door; undetected, the boys silently sigh in relief.)
Stan- Whew; now I don’t have to stand on this stupid box now.
Kyle- (Surprised) A box? Lemme’ see.
(Stan backs away from a small cardboard box he was standing on and picks it up. As the other boys look on, Stan opens the box and the boys slightly widen their eyes at what they find.)
Kyle- (Tilting his head in confusion) What the hell is this!?
(Hesitantly, Stan starts picking up some of the contents of the box, which happen to be assorted pictures of Kyle.)
Kenny- Maybe Cartman’s planning some sort of project with these photos?
(Stan examines a few more of these pictures before he comes across a crude, crayon-drawn picture of Cartman and Kyle. Kyle is depicted kneeling to Cartman with a grin printed on his face while gazing up at the fatass. More shockingly, several hearts surround Kyle as if he was in love with Cartman, but most horrifying of all is a certain message written on the piece of paper the drawing’s on-)
Stan- (Repeating the message) “You will be mine forever, Kyle.”… holy sh*t!
(Stan and Kenny gasp, but Kyle appears to be stuck in a comatose state. His eyes look dead.)
(Kenny starts laughing quietly. After a few seconds, Stan joins him.)
Kyle- (Meekly) This…explains everything. Why he is always being such a douche bag. He…he loves me.
Stan- (Stiffling more laughter) Oh dude, lets keep this up.
Kyle- (Stammering) N-No…I’d rather not hear anymore.
Kenny- But why? It isn’t like YOU like him. This is great sh*t.
Stan- No, no. I see what Kyle means. Cartman is a rather massive- in all ways- bastard. If we knew exactly how far into Kyle Cartman is, then it would probably freak us all out. (Turns to Kyle) Dude, I need this. I need to see how f*cked up Cartman is, and I need to know what a liar he is. You can leave, but we need to continue searching.
Kyle- (Stands up and walks toward the window, lazy eyed) Thanks, Stan. I-I’ll be at the bottom of the ladder. I’ll rattle it when I see them coming.
(Much later. Stan and Kenny are at Cartman’s computer, mouths open in shock.)
Stan- (Looking down and away) …DUDE. That was the nastiest f*cking story I’ve ever read.
Kenny- (Eyes wide open) I’ve seen tentacle rape porn less disturbing than that.
Stan- (Clicks s few times) Okay, I’ll add that to the attachment. That is…eight stories, sixteen poems, sixty pictures, and forty-three drawings involving him and Kyle in some way. Damn dude, Cartman is f*cked up. (He clicks send) Okay, now next time fatty gets on my case…okay, delete the evidence that we were on his e-mail and the scanner, and we’re done.
(A few seconds of clicks and Kenny stuffing the backpack full of notes and diary entries. Then the ladder is rattled.)
Stan- sh*t. Kenny, put his stuff back. I’ll shut the computer down like it was before.
(They both start doing what they needed to. Kenny put Cartman’s personal items back into the box and Stan starts to shut the computer down. Kenny then shuts off the light as the door opens.)
Stan- Okay, we’re good. Run!
(Stan runs over, jumps on the bed, and then outside. He catches the ladder and sides down rapidly.)
Kyle- You ready?
Stan- Yeah, let’s go. I think I have to take a bath in tomato juice to get the stink out, so lets go before it gets worse.
(The two tug on the ladder- just as Kenny was climbing down. The sudden forceful, jerky motion sends him flying about ten feet on the other side of a snowy embankment and tumbling down towards a small collection of trees and rocks.)
Kyle- Oh crap!
(The two, ladder horizontal and being handled by both kids, start running up and over the embankment. They nearly lose their balance as they trail Kenny, but remain on their feet. Kenny continues tumbling down until he moves onto a rock that slopes upwards and is sent flying. The two boys run down that rock and start running upward out of the pure force of their motion, but they lean back and combined with the weight of the ladder, they fall backwards, the ladder on top of them.)
Kyle- (Eyes closed tight) I think I hit my head on a boulder.
Stan- (Worried) I think I have a twisted ankle. DAMNIT, I have the repeat of the recital tomorrow night.
Kyle- (Distracting Stan) Okay, on three we lift the ladder up and put it back into its usual place.
Both- 1, 2, 3, HEAVE!
(The two forcefully eject the ladder from their presence and it barely clears the sloped rock. They then help themselves up and start moving through the small forested area in search of Kenny.)
Kyle- Repeat recital?
Stan- Yeah. Twice a year, we repeat a paid recital. (Limps) And this ankle better feel better by then.
Kyle- (Puzzled) Stan, I have a question.
Kyle- Why the hell do you take ballet?
Stan- (Sighs) Kyle, I just do. I like dancing and…I don’t know. I like the emotional aspect of it. It soothes me. Plus, football players take it, and if football players take it, that means it must help them somehow.
Kyle- Ah, I see…what about the thing he was saying with Shelley?
Stan- (Sighs) You promise not to tell?
Kyle- Sure, dude. You’re my best friend.
Stan- I- watch your foot- don’t like it really, but on Sunday night, Shelley makes me do it for her while our parents are at counseling. In return, she doesn’t beat the crap out of me. I don’t like it, but it means I’m not walking around hurt all the time.
(They take some more steps, and Stan starts laughing.)
Kyle- What is it?
Stan- (Laughing) Dude, Cartman wants to f*ck you bad.
Kyle- Goddamnit, stop talking about it!
Stan- Why? It’s funny.
(They take a few more steps and walk out of the thicket of trees- and see Kenny’s dead body.)
Stan- (Shocked) Oh my God, WE killed Kenny!
Kyle- (Quickly, doesn’t care) We’re bastards. (Normally, stern) That fat piece of crap is psychotic, Stan. We know to what crazy lengths he goes to get what he wants. And now…he wants me.
Stan- (Going through Kenny’s backpack) Dude, he has ALWAYS wanted you.
Kyle- (Confused) What?
Stan- (Just takes Kenny’s backpack off after having trouble going through it) Yeah, all those times he wanted you to suck his balls or he was always trying to outdo someone and make you notice? All those times and more, he was trying to get with you. He doesn’t say so directly in his diary, but it would seem that he loves you but doesn’t want to look like he is going after you. Eventually, he wants you to like him and he wants it to look like YOU are making the moves on HIM.
Kyle- (Holding his stomach) I think I’m going to be sick.
Stan- (Patting him on the back, scarred as he looks down and away) Yeah, that’s how I felt after I read a story he wrote where you were sucking him AND screwing him in the butt while you sat on a dildo, letting go of him to say how great he was and how happy you were with him.
(Kyle looks horrified, then turns away and pukes hard several times. The third time and from then on, he falls to his knees and starts puking from that position just as hard.)
Stan- (Looking away, dead in the eyes) I know, Kyle…I know…(Looks ever so slightly up with a cracked, deep voice) the horror…the horror. (Snaps out of it, slings the backpack over his shoulders.) Alright man, see you on the computer later.
(Stan walks away, leaving Kyle to continue puking.)
(Which he does, over and over again.)
(Back in Cartman's room, Eric walks in and slams the door.)
Cartman- (Pissed) Butters and his broken games! He wasted my whole night.
(He walks angrily to the box in his closet and rips it open. He finds his diary after a second and then goes to his desk and grabs a pen. He sits down on his bed and opens it up.)
Cartman- (Surprised and angered, looking at the diary) What the hell?
(After a dramatically long pause, his head snaps over to the left and he closes the diary. he strides over to his air freshener on the wall that is set on "Pork Rinds" and he changes it to "Salisbury Steak". He then marches back to his bed and opens up the diary again.)
Cartman- (Angry) Stupid mom, always changing mah air freshener. (Writing in the diary, talking out loud.) "Dear diary, just a reminder that I hate Butters and want him dead. Ex oh ex oh ex oh." Alright, that about does it.
(The next morning, Stan’s house. Stan is in his bed, Kyle in a sleeping bag. Stan wakes up bleary eyed, then stretches and gets out of bed, slowly. Kyle is obviously awake, and looks pretty tired.)
Stan- I can't believe that your mom allowed you to stay over here for the night.
Kyle- (Yawning) Me too actually.
Stan- What do you mean by that?
Kyle- Usually, she would have needed me to tell her what I was going to do, when I was going to be home, when I would call, when I would be going to bed, and when I would-
Stan- Dude, what is her problem?
Kyle- She’s my mom. That’s her problem.
Stan- (Laughs) Man, I’m so happy she isn’t my mom.
Kyle- (Offended) Dick pirate.
(Stan walks over to his computer and starts it up as Kyle gets up.)
Stan- (Looking at the computer, shaking his head) Dude, Cartman has a sick ass crush on you.
Kyle- (Sighs) I know, I know... I couldn't sleep at all, that thought is still haunting me.
Stan- (Looks over) You do look a bit tired....(Back to the computer) I got most of the stuff sent to the computer, do you want to see it?
Kyle- (Puzzled) Why the hell would I want to see that?
Stan- Well you have to have something to do while I get ready for school. Not everyone was up all night like you.
Kyle- Hey, does your ankle still hurt?
Stan- (Feels it, winces a small bit) Yea, I'm not entirely sure if I can go to the recital tonight.
Kyle- (Worried) Yeah, and I'm not sure if I can go to school.
Stan- Why not?
Kyle- (Shudders) I don't want to think about it.
Stan- Oh what we saw last night?
Kyle- (Looks a bit sick) Yeah. Not only does it sicken me, but I have to deal with him all the time. Now every time I see him, I’ll be thinking of…uggh.
Stan- (Turning around) You think we can use this against Cartman?
Kyle- I'd rather not, you know how he acts. If he knew that we knew, he’d try to get us and try to get us hard.
Stan- (Snickers) Yeah, Cartman WOULD go after you hard. (Gets up and starts moving to the closet) You can use the computer.
Kyle- (Gets up)Yeah, God knows it'll take ten minutes for your computer to start.
Stan- My computer is already on, smartass.
KYle- (On the computer) Yeah, well- hey, what's this folder?
(Curiousity gets the better of Kyle as he clicks on a folder labelled "OH MY GOD". After a few seconds, he starts looking shocked, then sickened.)
Kyle- (Stunned) WHAT?! I think I'm going to be sick.
(There is a picture of Kyle on the lap of Cartman disguised as Santa, both of them smiling. Another picture is Cartman holding a whip while Kyle carries him.)
Stan- (Dressed, except for the coat, just in his white tee) Dude, and they call Kenny the pervert. If anyone besides us saw this, they’d put Cartman into a psycho ward.
Kyle- (Mouth open.) Yeah…or if they saw this on your computer. I’d delete this, all of this.
Stan- Yeah, you’re probably right. Kenny’s computer has it also, in case we need it. He said it would be easy to hide amongst all his other porn.
Kyle- (Sighs) Man, I feel bad about the way he died.
Stan- Me too. (Pause) Think we have time for some ice cream before school?
Kyle- (Happy) There’s ALWAYS time for ice cream!
(They both leave the bedroom, presumably to get some creamed ice.)
(Bus Stop, that same morning. Stan and Kyle are the only ones there.)
Stan- (Realizes something) Oh sh*t.
Kyle- (Puzzled) What?
Stan- (Turns to Kyle) I forgot to do my history project.
Kyle- Heh, me too. Don’t worry about it, we’ll-
(Cartman enters the frame.)
Cartman- (Coy) Oh, hello guys. How is the little butt buddy meeting go?
Kyle- (Keeping a close on Cartman, defensive) No meeting like this, assh*le.
Cartman- Oh, hit a sore spot, Kyle? Like your butt?
Kyle- Just shut up!
Cartman- (A little stunned) Jesus Christ, calm down. You’ve got issues.
Stan- (Snickering, whispering) Yeah, Kyle is the one with issues…
Cartman- (Looking around) Where is that poor piece of crap?
Stan- Dude, didn’t you hear? He died last night.
Cartman- Oh, what happened?
Stan- (Reaching for something) Uhh…he fell from a…high…place…he fell from the top of the school. Yeah, the school. He fell and died from there.
Cartman- (Deadpan)…Really, Stan?
Cartman- (Sighs) I know that he died near my house. I saw the ambulance come pick him up. So, what really happened?
Kyle- (Quick) Nothing happened. Wow, that’s so sad about what happened to Kenny, isn’t it Stan?
Stan- Oh, yeah. I mean, so shocking. And sad.
Cartman- (After a pause) Goddamn, you two are some of the dumbest idiots ever. I know that it must have been you guys because he was found dead in some sort of black outfit, and the ladder you schmucks use to sneak into my room was in a different place.
Stan- You know about the ladder?
Cartman- (Triumphant) AH-HAH! I didn’t, but you just told me you have one. You can’t match wits with me, Stan. I’m just too damned good. So, what were you douches doing in my room?
Kyle- (Quickly) We were going to get some stale gefagahaga and drop it under your bed, but Kenny forgot to bring it- I gave him some a few weeks ago because it tastes like crap- but he forgot to bring it so we went to leave.
Stan- Y-Yeah, and then Kenny fell into the woods and he died.
(Cartman gives a quizzical look, but the bus pulls up. Stan gets on first. Kyle and Cartman follow, and arrive at the door at the same time.)
Kyle- (Worried) You first, Cartman.
Cartman- Sweet, thanks. (Thinking to himself) Wow, is he coming around?
Kyle- No problem. (Thinking) I’m not going to let him ever come from behind me as long as I live.
(Classroom. The kids are all seated and quiet as Garrison stands with his back to them writing on the blackboard. He steps away, revealing the words, “World War II History Project”. He turns around.)
Garrison- Okay you little bastards, this is the first day we will be presenting the projects that I’m sure you’ve been working so hard on.
(Clyde raises his hand.)
Clyde- What if you forgot what the project was supposed to be about?
Garrison- (Sighs) Clyde, just get your packet and start working. All that you’re supposed to do is present us a project about an underreported Second World War story. If you can’t do something that simple, then I hope to god you die before you can f*ck and produce a child that will propagate your idiocy.
(Garrison walks over to his desk and sits down.)
Garrison- As you all well know, this is a rather major grade, so I’ll advise you to not jack off and ruin this. First up…Eric Cartman, your turn first.
Cartman- (Reaches into his desk) I got it, I got it.
(He walks up to the front of the class. Garrison takes out a magazine.)
Cartman- (Clears his throat, reads from his paper) Hello fellow students. Today I present to you my paper on “Merrill’s Marauders”, as requested by-
Garrison- (Annoyed) Get on with it, Eric.
Cartman- I was getting to it ai’ghty! Any who, Merrill’s Marauders, officially named the 5307th Composite Unit (provisional), was a United States long range penetration-
(At the mention of penetration, Kyle looks somewhat horrified
Cartman- (Continuing) special forces unit in the South-East Asian Theatre of World War II which fought in the Burma Campaign, famed for its deep movements behind Japanese rear (Kyle looks horrified even more now.) defenses and thrusts (Kyle brings his hands to his face to cover his mouth.) towards superior forces. Along with six other Ranger Battalions, they are the only World War II-era United States Army Rangers.
(Cartman continues, but Kyle no longer hears it. He looks intently at Cartman, going over the images he saw on the computer. Finally, a small fart that releases itself causes a sensation in his anal area that causes him to jump up out of his seat.)
Kyle- (Running full tilt out of the room) AHHHHH!
(There is silence as everyone just looks at him run out. A pause.)
Cartman-…Damn son, I didn’t know he hated George A. McGee that much. (Back to his paper) And that is the tale of the Merrill’s Marauders.
Garrison- Well Cartman, I am very impressed.
Cartman- (Pleased) Really?
Garrison- Yes. You managed to do a Wikipedia copy and paste job that makes you appear even dumber than before.
Cartman- Ah, GOD-DAMMIT!
Garrison- I could fail you, but then I’d hear about it from the school board about low test scores. C minus.
Cartman- (All smiles as he walks back to his desk) Haha, sweet.
Favourite Episode of S13: Margaritaville
Least Favourite Ep of S13: Pee
Group: Super Best Friends
Member No.: 2
Joined: 28-March 09
(Mackey’s office, very soon afterward. A small stack of papers lays on his desk, unsorted and very likely to remain so. In his hand is a single piece of paper.)
Mackey- (Taking a sip of coffee) What a nut…and he is a nut…she as well…damnit, are all the kids in this town insane, m-mkay?
(Suddenly, his door flies open as Kyle tears into the room, scaring the crap out of Mackey who ends up spilling the coffee on himself as he stands up in fright.)
Mackey- (Annoyed) A-ah, now what is going? You’ve got to have a good reason to be r-running around, scaring people and making them spill expensive Harbuck-
Kyle- (Frazzled) One of my guy friends- maybe not a friend, actually- loves me.
Mackey- (Pause) Oh. (Pause) Well, I guess that does qualify as a good reason. Take a seat, mkays?
(Mackey goes to get two new cups of coffee, washing himself off as well. Kyle takes a seat across from the desk.)
Kyle- (Playing with his hands ala Butters) I-I don’t know what to do! Ever since I found out, every time I see him I just imagine what he thinks when he looks at me and- oh god, I think I’m going to be sick.
Mackey- (Hands a cup of coffee to Kyle as he takes a seat) Just have a cup of coffee and just- and just calm down, mkay? No reason to get worked up, I’m sure we can talk this over.
Kyle- (Takes a quick, long, powerful gulp) Calm down!? Dude, I saw a story he wrote about me. I’ll bet you ten dollars that half the things he wants me to do to him are illegal somewhere or another.
Mackey- Really? Like what?
(Kyle gives him a blank look.)
Mackey- (Pause) Uhh, well, regardless, you have to realize that if he has felt this way about you for a long time, then chances are that he won’t be changing his behavior, m-mkay?
Kyle- But something happened recently that changed all that, and now he IS acting different!
Mackey- (Starting to piece the pieces together) Ohhh, I see. Well Kyle, I think you should talk to him about it and let him know your- your stance on it. Homosexuality is a common thing, and you should encourage your friend to be open with himself and the school.
Kyle- Dude, that would be a disaster. You have no idea what he is capable of.
Mackey- Kyle, I must admit that I am somewhat discouraged by your reaction to all this.
Kyle- What? Why?
Mackey- You always struck me as more- more progressive than this, mkay? Homosexuality never struck me as something that would bother you.
Kyle- It doesn’t, but this kid is (Shifty eyes)…different.
Mackey- (Nods knowingly) Listen, I understand, mkay? Y-You’re worried about your great friendship with him being damaged. But if you care about Stan even as just a best friend, you’ll tell him how you-
Kyle- (Angry) WE AREN’T TALKING ABOUT STAN!
Mackey- (Dumbfounded) We-We aren’t?
Kyle- (Eyes closed) No, damnit! Stan is not gay!
Mackey- Ooooooh. (Pause) Who ARE we talking about then?
Kyle- (Waving his arms about in accordance with speech.) We’re talking about Cartman. He wants to (A long series of bleeps is heard as Kyle waves his arms about describing the sick sexual acts that Cartman desires. We see hand twirls, him smacking his hands, a lollipop in mouth gesture using his tongue, and some classic sexual maneuvers like the 69 demonstrated with his hands) and then (More beeps are heard as we look back to Mackey, who looks stunned.)
(Pause as Kyle finishes. Both take sips from their respective coffee.)
Mackey- (Adjusting his glasses) Wow…he is one sick little bastard, isn’t he?
Kyle- (Pale) You’re telling me.
Mackey- Well, I see why you don’t want to tell him, and I’ll be honest with you.
Mackey- (Fast- for Mackey, anyway) I wouldn’t tell ANYBODY that doesn’t know, mkay? I mean, this is one sick, demented little boy and there is no telling what-what-what freaky things he has planned for you if he ever succumbs to his desires, mkay? You keep your mouth shut and-and for good and maybe we can all pray that he doesn’t (Five beeps in a row) until you are hunched over for good. I mean, my God, what a sick little freak. I-I-I wouldn’t want him to be imagining me in that position, mkay? I’d leave the damn state. (Looks at his watch) We’ve got to wrap this up, I have an appointment with Bebe Stevens so she c-c-can bitch about her mother some more…but damn, Kyle, you have one f*cked up problem.
(Cut to Kyle, who looks un-amused. He finishes his coffee, stands up, and leaves the office.)
Kyle- (Looking down to the floor) I wonder if…(Shakes his head) Nah, that wouldn’t kill me fast enough.
Victoria- (Intercom) Stan Marsh, your underwear has been recovered. Stan Marsh, your underwear has been recovered.
Kyle- Well…I GUESS it could be worse.
(Outside of the dancing hall, more cars than usual are parked. Stan and the rest of his family ease into the parking lot and come to a stop.)
(Inside of the car, Randy sighs. He is dressed in a slightly well to do shirt and jeans; better than his average wardrobe, but not by much. Sharon is dressed in a black formal dress and is wearing a large fur coat. Stan is dressed in a grey t-shirt and grey sweatpants, hatless, carrying a duffel bag.)
Randy- Sharon, do I have to be here?
Sharon- Of course you have to be here. This is important for your son to know that we want to be involved.
Randy- (Turns to Stan in the back, pleading) Do you think it is important for you that we fake wanting to be involved?
(Stan gives a blank look of annoyance.)
Randy- (Turning to Sharon) See? He doesn’t care.
Sharon- (Annoyed) Randy.
Randy- (Stamping his feet with his eyes closed like a little kid) But I want to go to the bar with all the guys, I told them I would be there!
Sharon- But you knew the recital was tonight!
Randy- Correction, I knew the REPEAT of the recital was tonight and I knew his ankle was nearly busted. Are you sure its even safe for him to be doing this? Especially for something this stupid.
Sharon- (Rolls her eyes) Fine, Randy. Just be back here in an hour and a half.
Randy- (Leans over and kisses Sharon) Okay, I’ll be back. (Turns to Stan) You go get ‘em!
Stan- (Opening his door with duffel bag in hand) Gee, thanks dad.
(Stan and Sharon exit the vehicle as Randy tears off into the evening.)
Sharon- (Tightening her coat) Is your ankle feeling okay, sweetie?
Stan- Yeah, it started to feel better around lunch. I should be okay. I called Madame Flabrocker and told her, so we should be okay.
Sharon- Okay, well, I’ll go get a seat. You take care of yourself and give it your best shot now, okay?
(She heads off into the main entrance. Stan starts walking towards his door when he chances a look at the new people coming in- his entire class, save for the crippled kids.)
Stan- (Terrified shock) Oh god…
(Cartman walks up to Stan.)
Cartman- (Brandishing his camera publicly) Well well well, if it isn’t Fairy McFag. How is your ankle holding up, princess?
Stan- (Panicking) C-Cartman, why are all these people here!?
Cartman- Well, I don’t really know that. I came here to get some new video(taps camera) and I have professional equipment this time. You know, the YouTube video I posted of you hit eighty thousand views before I came here. They clambered for more, and ECartmanRoolz8036 always delivers.
Stan- Cartman, I can’t have all this happen now. This is too important.
Cartman- (In his face) No, Stanley, this needs to happen. I’m not sure why the others are here, but in the end, the result is the same: You get the place you deserve at the bottom of the food chain. Prepare for your new role, Stan.
Stan- (Grinding his teeth in frustration and to stop him from revealing what he knows) Go away, Cartman.
Cartman- (Backing away) Oh, I will Stan my boy. I will. But I’ll never be too far away for(taps the camera) the camera.
(Cartman laughs loudly as he turns away and walks through the front door, nearly bumping into Wendy, who is dressed well.)
Cartman- Out of my way, bitch.
Wendy- Shut up, tubby.
Cartman- Why are you even here? Shouldn’t you be out prowling the streets for a real man and some money?
Wendy- (Proud) Stan is ten times the guy you’ll ever be.
(Craig walks past.)
Cartman- Heh, Craig, this dumb broad thinks that Stan is a man, Ha!
Craig- (Annoyed) Leave me alone, Eric. My mom is forcing me to come here and watch this stupid crap.
Cartman- (Confused) What? Why?
Craig- I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s your fault, so up yours.
(Craig walks past. Cartman is about to respond when he is bumped from behind by an older man.)
Man- (Perturbed) Young man, you are blocking the entrance.
Wendy- (Moving away) Yeah, he doesn’t have to try hard to do that.
(Cartman, embarrassed, moves out of the way and everyone starts to take their seats. We flash to where the Broflovskis are. Kyle is in the middle, Sheila on the left, Gerald on the right.)
Kyle- (Scanning the crowd) It looks like they’re all showing up. (Turns to Sheila) Thanks, mom.
Sheila- It was my pleasure, Kyle. When I heard that a young man who was enjoying all the meats of our cultural stew was being mocked by his classmates in an unabashed campaign to get him to no longer be such an erudite individual, I had to take action. Hopefully after this, your classmates will see that he is to be respected.
Kyle- (Ignoring most of it) Yeah, I think so too. I talked to Wendy, so I know-
Announcer- (Older male) Welcome to Park County Dance Hall, and Park County Ballet’s repeat recital of Giselle. Playing the lead roles of…
(In the back, we see the dancers getting prepared. Stan is in a prince’s outfit, a rather generic looking one with a few differences. On all sides, male and female dancers are getting prepared. The teacher, who is a stereotypical eastern European Ballet teacher, approaches.)
Teacher- Alvight, alvight, alvight. Evev’one veady?
Dancers- Yes, Madame Flabrocker.
Flabroker- Good! (To Stan) How is ze ankle, Marsh boy?
Stan- I should be able to do everything.
Flabrocker- Vedy good. (To everyone) Vow remember, if ya fail to do well, zen the little puppy zets it!
(She pulls out a small Alaskan Malamute puppy and a revolver, and puts the revolver to the puppy’s head. The dancers gasp.)
Dancers- (With Stan as one, panicked) We will do well, Madame Flabroker!
Flabroker- (Starts backing away, into the darkness. Sinister voice) Vedy good. Vedy, vedy good…
(There is silence as she recedes into the darkness like a bad dream.)
Female Dancer- She hasn’t been the same since they canceled According to Jim.
(The music starts up some moments later as the curtains are pulled back. A few dancers, Stan included, enter the stage as The Nutcracker starts up. There are varying levels of skill, but Kyle has a hard time paying attention as seated three seats to his right is Cartman, who opens up his coat to reveal a multitude of candy and food as he videotapes the recital. To his right is Rebecca.)
Cartman- (Tracking Stan as he takes a hard bite out of the beef jerky that is produced out of his pockets) Ha! See that, Rebby? I guess all you bitches had it right from the start.
Rebecca- (Annoyed) Shut up, I’m trying to watch.
Cartman- (Confused) What is wrong with all you people? Aren’t you here to make fun of him, as every red blooded American should?
Rebecca- We’re over that now.
Cartman- (Angry) But you weren’t over it this morning, you stupid bitch.
(And with that, Liane hits him on the head.)
Liane- Quiet, hon.
Cartman- (Rubbing his head) Oww! What was that for?
(Kyle has been watching this the whole time, just looking at Cartman.)
Cartman- (In Kyle’s head) So, Kyle, would you go down on me? You’re my bitch now Kyle. You’ll always be mine Kyle. Bow down to your master, Kyle. I like you best in kneeling position, Kyle. Now bend over Kyle and prepare for-
Kyle- (Jumps up) Arrhhhggg!
Sheila- (Surprised) Kyle, what’s wrong?
Kyle- N-nothing mom.
(Kyle sits gripping the hand rests of his seat white knuckled as the bad thoughts of what Cartman wants to do to him continue, he glances sideways every few seconds at Cartman who stares at the stage filming Stan and his performance.)
(Stan meanwhile is dong good on stage, he knows he is not supposed to look at the audience but glances from time to time, he can see the green light of Cartman’s camcorder, other than that people have said nothing. The first act of the ballet ends and Stan gracefully exits the stage and hears people clapping. He is surprised at this reaction.)
Sheila- (Standing up) I’m going to use the ladies room before the second act begins. Keep my seat for me, Kyle.
(Sheila gets out of her seat and heads to the aisle. Cartman sees an opportunity to get a better shot as the Broflovskis are seated in the middle of the row moves towards Kyle, Gerald, and Ike. The latter two look extremely bored and possibly sleeping, Ike draped over the armrest. Kyle is still staring straight ahead.)
Cartman- (In Kyle’s head) You love me bitch, yeah deeper, harder, there you go. Now I want you to put on this pink dress, yeah I like you in a tutu, yeah now bend over for daddy like a good boy…
(Kyle let’s go of the arm rest and digs his fingernails into his palms, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut trying to make his mind stop racing with the sick things he read and saw on Cartman’s file. He feels someone sitting down next to him, he opens his right eye and sees Cartman settling himself down into his mom’s seat, his fat rolls spilling over a bit onto Kyle’s side of the chair. Kyle shrinks to the opposite side of his seat trying to not touch Cartman’s side. Kyle leans over and whispers over to Ike over Gerald.)
Kyle- Ike switch seats with me.
Ike- (Waking up) Is it over?
Kyle- N-No, but I need you to switch seats with me.
Ike- (Shakes head) No.
Kyle- Come on Ike, please!
Ike- (Shouting louder) No Kyle! (Gives Kyle a dirty look)
(Kyle sits back into his seat defeated. Cartman is setting up his camera, messing with different zooming features while eating snacks with the other hand, He has a twizzler hanging out of his mouth and he nudges Kyle in the ribs.)
Cartman- I bet you love seeing your little butt buddy up there. He should be in a pink tutu, that way when you two are together we know which one is the bitch in the relationship!
Kyle- (V.O, thinking to himself) Oh god he has had that fantasy, is he onto me, is my body language giving it away? (To Cartman, stern) If you didn’t have so much fat in your f*cking head you’d realize people are enjoying Stan’s performance.
Cartman- (Fake nice) Aww, it’s really sweet you defending your little boyfriend like this Kyle, but I’m sure everyone is just saving their comments for tomorrow in school.
(Lights dim and curtain starts to rise as second act starts.)
Kyle- You better get out of my mom’s seat. She’s going to be back any minute.
Cartman- Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever Jew.
(The second act Stan is on stage dancing with another girl, doing many leaps and bounds, the girl jumps up and Stan catches her in his arms. Cartman is still filming while sitting next to Kyle, with one hand he tries to open a bag of skittles he doesn’t succeed and uses his teeth to rip open the package. Most of the skittles fall out going all over the floor and some landing in Kyle’s lap. Cartman reaches over to get some of the candy out of Kyle’s lap, and Kyle jumps up knocking the camera out of Cartman’s hand.)
Cartman- (Shouting) The f*ck Kyle! That’s camera’s expensive!
Kyle-(Freaking out) I don’t want your hand there fatass, ever! Not under any condition, even if my life depends on it!
(Cartman and Kyle’s outburst interrupts the performance; people turn around in their seats to stare at the two. Stan meanwhile on stage misses his cue and misses the girl about to jump into his arms, and she lands with a thud which distracts the crowd even more. Kyle, embarrassed and worried about Cartman, attempts to flee the auditorium and runs into his mom in the side of the theater.)
Sheila- (Surprised again) Kyle, what’s gotten into you?
Kyle- (Panicking) Cartman took your seat a-a-a-a-a-a-
Sheila- Nothing to worry about, Kyle. I’ll just tell him to move. It is nothing to run to me about.
(They head back to their seats, the performance continuing and gaining back some steam. Meanwhile, Cartman is sullen and angered about his camera. He sees what he assumes to be Jewish figures coming out of the corner of his left eye and he turns to yell at Kyle some more- only to see Sheila right there instead.)
Sheila- Eric, this is my seat.
Cartman- (Defeated and angry, he starts to move) I’m sorry about that…and your son owes me a new goddamn camera.
Sheila- Watch your mouth, young man.
(She takes her seat and Kyle takes his.)
Kyle- (Leans back in his chair, relaxed) Ahhh…
(The ballet continues for some time, Stan recovering from the missed cue and doing well. Cartman continues his occasional trouble making, but is muted by the silence.)
(Act three ends, as does the ballet. There is much clapping as the tired performers give a bow and exit the stage. Behind the stage, Stan is sweating like a stuck pig and approaches a ballerina.)
Stan- (Tired) Is…Melissa going…to…be okay?
Ballerina- (Small, blonde, Texan accent) Sure sh’ is, Stan. Dey got he’ hopped up on vic’odin and Sprite.
Stan- I feel like crap for missing that cue, but I was distracted.
Ballerina- (To his left, an average looking girl) My father trains me for distractions. He takes off his pants and plays with himself in front of me as I train.
(Uncomfortable silence follows.)
(A moment later, Flabroker emerges from the shadows, the puppy still held tightly in her grasp, revolver pressed against the skull.)
Flabroker- (Low) So, vow did ze do? Zid ze zo zell?
Dancers- (Perplexed) Wha…what are you saying?
Flabroker- (Dropping the accent, angry) How did we do? Did we do well?
Dancers- Yes, ma’am.
Flabroker- (Higher, back with the accent) Oh, velly? I zaw a missed cue…Marsh boy, ze missed a cue, now ze Richards girl iz hurt. (Cocks the revolver) VY SHOULDN’T I KILL ZE PUPPY?
Dancers- We-We’ll try harder next time, Madame Flabroker!
Flabroker- (Puts the gun down) Vell, I’ll trust ze zis zime, but I shall not accept failure again. (Lets the puppy jump off and puts the revolver away, drops the accent) Okay, good job everyone!
(She starts clapping, and there is smattered clapping in response.)
(Minutes later, Stan exits the door to the parking lot. Other dancers and their families are talking to one another joyously after a fine performance, poor Melissa notwithstanding. Kyle approaches rapidly.)
Kyle- Stan, you kicked ass!
Stan- Are you kidding me? Melissa nearly broke her ass because of Cartman and his interruptions. (Angry) Damnit, I just want to embarrass HIM-
Kyle- (Waves his hand, calm) Nah, he’ll stop. Once he realizes that everyone else was into ripping on you because they found it funny for a short while and NOT because they hate you, he’ll back off.
Stan- But why the hell is it funny? I mean, come on, I'm just-
Kyle- Does it matter? man, listen, take ballet if you want, but you'll have to accept that some kids will think it is funny. After a short while they won't mock you for it, but they'll still think it is lame. And it doesn't matter as they will stop making fun of you, and so will Cartman.
Stan- But don’t you think he is doing it to make you think I’m all homosexual?
Kyle- Yeah, but I think after tonight he’ll stop. And I’m not worried about him anymore because I realize now that he has always thought this way, so I don’t have to worry about anything new happening. Just the same old Cartman.
Stan- And this is a good thing?
Kyle- Well...better than anal rape.
Stan- Not by much...but I guess you're right. Better to be the big man than just the fat one. (Looks around) Where's my family?
(Sharon, angered, approaches Stan, cell phone in hand.)
Sharon- (A little angry) Stanley, you did very well tonight. I’m so proud of you.
Stan- (Confused) Uhh…mom, did I do something wrong?
Sharon- (Puts her cell phone away) )Oh no, I’m sorry. Your father got drunk and was arrested on the way back here. God, sometimes I can’t take that man…
Kyle- (Thinking) Well…you guys could come with us. We have an entire row we don’t use.
Stan- Wow, thanks dude!
Sharon- (Relieved) That would be so kind if your parents could do that for us.
Kyle- Yeah, I’ll go ask.
Stan- Man, what would I do without you?
Kyle- (Laughs) Ha, I dunno…join a gang and sell crack?
(He walks away to ask his parents, and that was totally not foreshadowing at all.)
(Kyle’s bedroom, nighttime. Kyle is in his pajamas trying to sleep, but his tumbling and murmuring indicate something’s bothering him.)
Kyle- No… uggh, shut up fatboy… no, no…
Voice- (V.O) Good evening, Jew.
(Kyle immediately jolts and finds Cartman inside his room, wearing only his t-shirt and pants; his coat is slung over his shoulder. The open window behind the fat lard indicates how he got it.)
Kyle- What the hell!? Get out of my-!
Cartman- (Shushing Kyle as he walks to Kyle’s bedside) Shhh… you gotta learn to be less of a douche bag one of these days, Kyle. (Casts aside his coat.) Relaaaax-
Kyle- (Still mad, but now a little scared) Relax!? Since when do you ever allow me to relax?
(With apparent superhuman strength, Cartman leaps and lands right on top of Kyle, who gets the wind knocked out of him due to the fatass’s huge weight. As Kyle continues to reel in pain, Cartman positions himself so that his face is inches away from Kyle while Cartman manages to pin down Kyle’s arms with one hand.)
Cartman- (Trying to act seductive) Soon, you will learn to appreciate me.
(Suffocating due to Cartman’s massive body weight lying on top of him, Kyle can only look away and groan in disgust as Cartman erotically licks Kyle’s cheek.)
Kyle- (Struggling to breath) Mooom… daaad! Heeelp-!
Cartman- It’ll always be the two of us, Kyle. You will be mine- forever. (Cartman brings his free hand towards his pants-)
(The scene suddenly switches to Kyle sleeping in his room, only for the boy to abruptly wake up and give a short scream of terror. However, Kyle’s shrill wasn’t loud enough to wake up his parents.)
Kyle- (Panting) Holy sh*t… (Paranoid, Kyle goes over to his window and makes sure it’s locked shut before going back to bed.)
Kyle- (Sighing) Why was I cursed with a perverted loser as a enemy-? (Attempts to sleep, but can’t keep his eyes closed.)
(Cartman’s bedroom, the same time. Cartman is also in pajamas but is awake and looking out his window. His hands are clasped as if praying, while his desk is bathed with candlelight.)
Cartman- You know God, I try to do my best to be a virtuous Christian. Scamming people out of their money, bashing ballet-dancing homosexuals, exterminating the Jews- I do only what makes the both of us happy. Well, at least that’s what I tell myself; since you’ve never told me that I’m wrong, doesn’t that make me right no matter what?
(Cartman unclasps his hands and moves over to the front of his desk.)
Cartman- Then why do all those assh*les at school hate me?! (Slams desk) And why- why do I obsess over… him? (Picks up a photo on his desk, which happens to be a portrait of Kyle, and starts speaking to it.) Even though I hate you so very much Kyle, there’s something about you that draws me in. I don’t know how, but your evil Jew magic is turning me into a homosexual, (brings one finger to stroke Kyle’s face in the photo.) and there’s nothing I can do about it. (looks away from the photo) Why God, you sonofabitch? Do you find my temptation funny or something? It is like fire…hellfire. This fire in my skin- (Sneezes) Ah, bless me.
(After a brief pause, Cartman, who is now building up rage, brings the photo close to the candle.)
Cartman- Know this, Kyle. You will either be my bitch for the rest of your life, or (has the photo catch on fire) you will burn and die with the rest of your Jewish race.
(Cartman evilly grins as the entire picture is consumed by the flames. That is, before the smoke caused by the burning causes the smoke detector to activate, forcing Cartman to cover his ears.)
Cartman- Arrgh goddamnit!!!
(Playground, the next day. Stan is standing by a tree and staring at the ground, keeping his hands in his pockets as if in contemplation, his legs stretched out over the steps as the other kids play.)
Stan- (Moping to himself.) I…I don’t get it…what the hell is wrong with them?
Wendy- (V.O) Hi, Stan! (Stan looks up to see his girlfriend running up to him.) What are you doing over here?
Stan- (Somewhat uncomfortable in Wendy’s presence) Ah, not much really. Just needing to rest my knee after that recital repeat.
Wendy- (Sighs as she walks over to stand directly in front of Stan.) Are you still nervous about doing ballet, even though everyone stopped harassing you over it?
Stan- Well actually, I was thinking that it would be better for everyone if I just quit ballet. How the hell can anyone be my friend if they think I’m just a ballet-dancing sissy who lets his sister walk all over him?
(Wendy glares at Stan for a few seconds- before she slaps his face.)
Wendy- (Steaming mad) What the hell are you saying, Stan? No boyfriend of mine is going to be a spineless coward! And especially for no good reason!
Stan- (Stunned and rubbing his cheek) Geez, it woulda’ been nice of you to tell me a lot sooner that I was being too-girly rather than lying about-
Wendy- Oh, stuff it!
(Before they can argue more, Wendy plants her hand on Stan’s slapped cheek. Stan looks down.)
Wendy- I don’t care if some jerks think you’re not being man enough. I think it takes a lot of guts to do a thing that most boys are too afraid to do. You’ve always been a guy who was never afraid of confronting bullsh*t, Stan, and I’ve always liked that about you. Don’t chicken out of ballet now…
(Wendy now has a pleading look in her eyes as Stan looks up.)
Stan- (Thinks for a few moments, then brightens up) …You’re right, Wendy! Who cares if someone thinks I’m a sissy or jock or whatever? I’ve gotten by so far just by being myself; why should I give up ballet when jerks can learn to live with it instead?
Wendy- That’s the spirit! (Briefly kisses Stan’s lips, causing Stan to go slightly green in the face, although he doesn’t throw up.) Hey Stan, since you can do ballet, I wonder if you can ice-skate with me? (Beams at Stan)
Stan- (Nervous) But Wendy, ballet and ice-skating aren’t-
Wendy- (Not paying attention) Come on Stan, it’ll be fun. Let’s find you some ice-skates. (Starts dragging Stan away) I always wanted you to be my ice-skating partner- (continues babbling as the two walk away)
Favourite Episode of S13: Margaritaville
Least Favourite Ep of S13: Pee
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