Last 10 Posts [ In reverse order ]
||Posted on May 21 2010, 05:32 PM
|| (The hotel floor. Two agents are sitting, sipping on some tea.)
Agent One- And so I said, "That isn't a cucumber, that's my dad!" Hahahahaha!
Agent Two- (Shocked, disgusted.) Don't ever speak to me again.
(His cell phone rings.)
Agent Two- Yo?(Serious look.) You're sh*tting me. Rules of engagement?
(Control center at the top of the hotel, with no public elevators headed towards it. Cartman is there. Monitors are everywhere, and there are many computers.)
Computer- (Kyle's voice, cell phone.) You may kill him if needed, but we desire him alive if possible. (Agent Two's voice.) Roger out.
Cartman- (Looking at some of his men.) Damnit, they think I'd shelter that hippie do-gooder? Well, we have his cover. Get men there, NOW. I want him, and his little dog too.
(One of his men nod and types some times. A message is sent out that is sent to all guards- and someone else.)
(Wendy is on her laptop, posting on a radical-leftist forum when a message is popped up. After a few seconds, she closes the laptop and walks quickly over to the elevators. As she approaches, she is flanked by the two Kyle agents we saw earlier. They get inside the elevator. After a second of silence, they start to look at one another.)
Agent One- (Suave.) So, do you like stories?
(A few moments later, they are at his floor. The doors open- and the two agents are down on the ground, the first one seriously f*cked up.)
Agent One- (Weeping softly.) You were just supposed to shoot us...
Wendy- (Walking out as the doors close, angry.) Pig.
(She jogs over to Stan's room and knocks. She knocks once more, frantically. Finally, she gets a credit card out and jimmies it with the lock and walks in just as a squad of Cartman guards round the corner.)
(Stan is coming towards the door from the bathroom.)
Stan- (Confused, somewhat tense.) What do you want?
Wendy- (Taking off her clothes.) Give me a towel. You need to hide. They're coming for you.
Stan- (Looking at her.) Hot damn, being me is sweet. Wait, who is coming?
Wendy- Cartman...and Kyle.(She reaches the minimum possible for decency.) Towel, now. You don't get to see anymore. Now hide!
(Stan looks somewhat dissapointed as he throws her a towel. She heads into the bathroom, turns on the shower, and douses herself. Stan goes into the main room. There is a knock at the door. Stan throws the mattress off of the springboard...)
(The third knock is answered by Wendy, her hair wet and covered in a towel. A few of the guards are now sheepish.)
Lead Guard- Ma'am, this room belongs to a Mr. Fane. We need him.
Wendy- You aren't the only one who needs him. Come on in.
(She walks over to the bed and sits down, crossing her legs as she brushes her hair. The soldiers walk in and start investigating, gently opening the closet and looking around the first part of the room. Three of them eventually come into the main room.)
Lead Guard- (Looking around.) What is your relation to Mr. Fane, ma'am?
Wendy- (Thinking.) I am a call girl, and-
(The three all look at her.)
Lead Guard- (Smiling.) Hot sh*t, but you're only...hell, only a few months older than me in all likelyhood!
Wendy- (Angry, thinking of what she is saying at the top of her head.) Not that type of call girl, you sexist pig! Call girl- people call me for girl advice. Not that I'd expect people like you to understand, but some boys may feel more feminine and need girl advice. So Mr. Fane called me and I was talking to him, but he left about ten minutes ago. Yeah, that's it.
(He nods. The others are finished looking around, one guard pointing out the window to his girly bike with tassels. They all nod and start walking out.)
Lead Guard- (Handing her his card.) When you see Mr. Fane, call us immediately. We have some questions for him.
(Wendy nods and they leave. She follows them, shuts and locks the door, then runs back to the room.)
Wendy- (Whispering.) Where are you?
(Stan punches the mattress a few times. Wendy walks over and pulls the mattress off, and Stan lunges out and grabs her on the back, pulling her in. She nearly folds, but her positioning disallows her.)
Stan- (Panting.) F-f*ck...I couldn't breathe....down there...
(He notices that his hand is on the seam of the towel, holding the towel on her. She is staring at him, daggers in her eyes. He has a cockeyed smile, then shakes it.)
Stan- What's going on?
Wendy- (Slow.) You will not know if you let go.
(She slowly moves her hand over his. The two share a look, Wendy gulping. Then she quickly switches the hands and moves towards the bathroom. She starts getting dressed.)
Wendy- (Voice.) Get dressed and pack what you will need. It'll be a few days at the least before you can come back.
Stan- What, did Pip forget to pay the bill? What a bloomin' idiot.
Wendy- Just get ready and I'll tell you when we're safe. (Whispering.) Tool.
(A few minutes later, Wendy leaves the room. She looks either way and then waves Stan across. They
both have suitcases. She puts a finger to her lips and they both walk over to a maintenance closet. Wendy leads Stan in.)
Stan- Well, if I knew you felt this way-
Wendy- Quiet yourself, imperialist pig. I'm under orders to keep you safe from your own imperialist scum friends and even my own comrades.
Stan- (Guarded.) I'm not taking another step until you tell me what happened.
Wendy- Your little base was attacked, and everyone was hurt. Personally, I think traitors like you deserve the gallows, regardless of side.
Stan- Damn, you're a bitch...wait, the base was attacked?!
Wendy- Don't act so shocked. The only one who could have done that is you. Nice to see that even pig-scum like yourself can see the light of day, but now Kyle's men and Cartman's men want you. I will take you to the insurgency- you could be of help.
(She presses the bottom of the mop bucket. The room starts descending.)
Wendy- Even so, it does sicken me that you betrayed your friends.
Stan- I have never betrayed anything. This is all a set-up...but how...
Wendy- So...you didn't do this?
Stan- Well of course not! My family may have been Jacobites long ago, but we don't support Stuart!
Wendy- (Completely perplexed.) What the hell-?
Stan- I know...(Whispering) Pip wrote that...it was in the contract.
Wendy- Oh...(Gets her bearings.) Well, that makes you an imperialist. So you're either a traitor or an imperialist. (Sighs.) Too bad. You have beautiful blue eyes.
Stan- (Annoyed.) And too bad you're a radical lunatic. Your back felt great!
(They reach the bottom and the door opens. Four insurgents stand guard, guns at the ready.)
Wendy- (In Spanish) Good job gentlemen. Take this idiot to the captain. I'll contact Kenny.
Guard Three- (Spanish.) Should we disarm him?
Wendy- (Spanish.) Nah. Just don't give him any reason to be suspicious. He's dumb enough to fool.
||Posted on May 21 2010, 05:30 PM
|| (The treehouse, around noon. Pip is looking over a small selection of random, nonsensical papers and magazines, all in an effort to look busy. Bebe is at her desk, on some sort of messenger system. Butters is in the garage, working on some things. Outside, a van with five guards is idling.)
Guard Three- Hey men, let's go.
Guard Four- When does the next shift arrive?
Guard Three- Five, ten minutes.
Guard Five- Shouldn't we wait?
Guard Three- Nah, f*ck it.
(The van drives off. In the garage, Butters is toying with some sort of paintball marker. The intercom system- which is just a cup tied to some string that heads to the desk and then the treehouse- comes alive.)
Pip- (Intercom) B, come here. I need to talk to you.
Butters- O-Okay, P. (He starts walking out of the garage.) We need d-different names, boy howdy.
(Pip's office. Butters arrives.)
Pip- Jolly good. B, I need to know where you got these documents.
Butters- (Breathless) From our i-intelligence vault.
Pip- (Angered, throws up a cosmo.) Ands by that, do you mean the Marsh sister?! Listen my good fellow, this magazine is not appropiate intelligence information! Why would, "Men's secret G Spot" and, "Fifteen Tips on How to Experience the Best Sex of Your Life" be valuable?
Butters- (Thinking.) Well, I do-don't know, but you never know.
Pip- (Exasperated, tossing the cosmo out of the window.) B, get me something useful.
Butters- R-Right away, but we need different names. Too many i-initials, before you know it we'll be confused. I mean, if we had someone with a J, we'd be PB&J, and that wouldn't be cool.
Pip- (Annoyed.) I'll get on that, and you get on gathering some better intelligence for me.
(Butters nods and starts heading down the ladder.)
Butters- (Sad.) I-I thought Cosmo was cool...
(He gets to the bottom and heads to the garage. It is pitch black now- the light was on before.)
Butters- (Confused.) Huh...
(He goes to turn it on- and is grabbed from behind as a knife is placed at his throat.)
(The treehouse. Pip gets up.)
Pip-(Staring outside, walking to the ladder.) I don't know what Bebe uses in that lemonade, but this is the
fifth time I've had to use the bathroom in-
(His view passes over the street in front of the Marsh house. There is a straight view to the street- on the left is a fence, the right is the house. The garage is on the left side of the house. None of this really matters as Pip notices a van is parked out straight ahead of him in the street- and from the sunroof comes a man with an RPG-paintball launcher. Pointed at the treehouse. Pointed at Pip. He fires.)
Pip- My God!
(Pip jumps out of the treehouse as the RPG hits. The office explodes in an orgy of colors, and the structure can no longer support itself and it starts to collapse. Pip lands on his arm, breaking it, and he is also knocked out. Soldiers start getting out of the van.)
Bebe- (Ducking under her desk.) OH MY GOD!
Friend- (Over Skype) OMG for reals, homie. Wassup?
(She hears a massive crunch and looks up. The treehouse is collapsing, and a large piece of wooden structure is falling towards the desk.)
Bebe- (Getting out from under the desk.) AHHH!
(She jumps clear of the desk as the structure falls on it, destroying the computer and everything else on or around the desk.)
(In the garage, Butters is still being held by the boy very tightly. Three other guards are in there, trashing the place.)
Boy- (Whispering to Butters.) Just keep quiet and- wait, is something wrong?
Butters- (Short on breath.) Too....t...tight...
Boy- (Blushing.) Oh, sorry. (Loosens the hold.) Better?
Butters- (Gasping.) M-Much better.
Boy- (Coughing.) Anyway...(Back to sinister voice.) Just keep quiet and we won't kill you.
Butters- (Quiet) Y-You'll regret t-this. When our 00s find out-
Boy- What, like 9? Hehe, yeah, I'm really worried.
(Butters is fumbling around slowly in his pocket. Finding what he wants, he smiles.)
Butters- W-well, I don't think that's what you have to worry about...
(Butters presses a button.)
(Top floor of the house, in the hallway. Sparky is sleeping. Suddenly, his head perks up and his tail starts wagging. He rushes downstairs, through the kitchen, and is heading for the garage door.)
(Bebe and Pip are hiding behind a snow bank in the backyard. Pip is starting to awaken.)
Pip- (Groggy.) Ughh...what....oww...OWWW-
(Bebe puts her hand on his mouth.)
Bebe- Shut up, they'll find us. (Looks at him as he stares confused.) Yeah, you missed your mat by about
(The five guards are sweeping the area...)
(Sparky bursts through the kitchen door.)
Soldier Two- Aww, a cute wittle doggie. Here, bo-
(Sparky jumps on the soldier.)
Soldier Two- (Voice only. We look at Butters, the boy holding him, and the other soldiers.) Ahh- AHH! OH MY GOD, NOT- WHAT IS HE- AHH! GET HIM OFF! OFF! DOWN BOY- AhhwWWhhWHHhhh!
Man- (Disgusted.) Let's get out of here!
(Outside, the van carrying the next group of guards is pulling up. They can not see the action.)
Driver- (Confused) What the heck is going on?
(The truck turns into the driveway and activates the garage door.)
(The truck can be heard entering the driveway from the back. The five soldiers stop searching for Bebe and Pip.)
Soldier One- (Talking through a walkie-talkie.) Okay, we've done all we can. Exfil now.
Soldier Three- (Confused.) Exfil?
Soldier One- Exfiltrate.
Soldier five- And that means...?
Soldier One- (Annoyed) We're leaving.
(The soldiers nod and sprint toward their van. The door leading from the garage to the outside opens, and three of the soldiers from the garage join the other five as the headlights from the guards van enter the garage.)
(Inside the garage, Butters is now free and laying against the wall.)
Soldier Two- (Crying.) Please, st- aEEHWHHWE- I want my mooommmmyyy!
(The guard van's lights are right on the man. Sparky is joyfully doing despicable things to the soldier.)
Driver- (Disgusted.) What the hell? Uggh!
(The guards get out and notice that the area is trashed. One of them looks outside and sees the treehouse and desk are destroyed, and the soldiers' van drives off. Butters presses the button on his device again, and Sparky stops. He jogs off into the house.)
Soldier Two- (Crying.) Owwweeeee......owwwweeeee......
Guard- (To Butters) What the hell happened around here?
(A few hours later. Three times as many guards are there now. Butters and Bebe are there, as is the soldier. The soldier is sitting on some ice packs and is wearing some new clothes.)
Butters- (Holding a VHS tape) H-Here is the recording of the attack from the camera system.
Lead Guard- Good, good. Tell me what you saw and heard.
Butters- W-well, I had just been called into P's office to discuss my choice of intelligence material- he didn't approve of cosmo- and then I came back-
Lead Guard- Cosmo? Odd choice.
Butters- (Annoyed.) It's really interesting stuff, gawd! Anyway, when I left the garage the light was on. When I came back, it was off.
Lead Guard- From what that poor boy over there told us, they just hacked the system to turn off the alarms and lights. Who has the password?
Butters- Only P, Bebe, 009, and I.
Bebe- (Tired.) I know I didn't do it, and Pip didn't. He broke his arm!
Lead Guard- Yeah, that sucked. He should have hired a stunt man. Anyway-
Butters- I know I didn't do it. But I don't want to believe that...(Looks worried.) Well...
Lead Guard- (Interested) Well what?
Butters- Well, after I came back into the garage, one of them held by at knife point. I told them they'd be sorry, that our 00s would get them, and he said, "What, like 9? Hehe, yeah, I'm really worried."
Lead Guard- Interesting...and very good memory you have there, fella.
Butters- (Sheepish grin.) Well, shucks, I'm just good like that.
(The Lead Guard nods and walks away. Some other guards crowd around.)
Lead Guard- (Sighs.) This looks like a job by 009.
Guard Sixty-Three- But why? What is his motive?
Lead Guard- I don't know. Money. Women...Men? Who knows. But this is too well done to not be his job. The attackers should have killed everyone. If we hadn't arrived and Sparky hadn't raped the sh*t- literally- out of that soldier, they would be. They had the codes, a truck that looks like one of ours, and they knew our shifts. Everyone else in the organization is injured or nearly died. He, meanwhile, is deep in enemy territory. Johnson, contact Kyle. Tell him we have a possible turncoat on the loose. Peter, check on Pip. Dick, go get us some Kool Aid. And if you see Mrs. Marsh, tell her my mom wants her pie recipe.
(Kyle's room. Four secret service looking guys are with him.)
Kyle- So wait, am I playing two roles that look the same or am I a secret agent slash president?
(The secret service guys shrug as Pip enters, his arm in a sling.)
Kyle- How are you feeling, P?
Pip- (Too calm.) Better. I'm very soft.
Kyle- (Confused) Soft?
Kyle-...Oh, you're on pain killers? O-okay...well, what do you have?
Pip- Well...what we know is that the attackers...knew the guards shifts...knew the type of vans...knew codes...hehehe...
Kyle- (Confused.) What's so funny?
Pip- Hahahaha...you're in purple...hahaha...(Straightens up.) So, they had everything they needed, which means they had contacts on the inside...and...(He starts nodding off.)
Pip- (Startled.) Woah, wait...Oh, yes. Well, I sure didn't do it, and Bebe wouldn't have known the code. Butters was almost killed, and that leaves...
Kyle- (Looking down and sighing.) 009. (He gets up, looking at out the window.) But why?
Kyle- (Angered.) For the love of Moses Pip!
Pip- (Startled.) Damnit, sorry...anyway, Cartman can be persuasive. Money? Women? He loves women.
Kyle- Well, whatever the case, we'll bring him in...dead or alive.
||Posted on May 20 2010, 11:23 PM
|| (A Holiday Inn- well, what is obviously a Holiday Inn. The sign is painted over and it says, "The Pink Taco". Row after row of bikes are parked in front. Stan pulls up, jacket over head, next to a valet.)
Stan- (Tossing keys to the valet.) Take good care of her.
Valet- (Looking at the bike and keys as he approaches the bike.) Yeah, her...and why do I need keys?
(He shakes his head as he places it in the correct spot.)
(Inside the hotel, dozens of kids are preparing. There is the front desk and a large lobby, complete with bar. On either side of the room are elevators and stairs. Up a few stairs in a centrally located staircase is the casino/game area. Marjorine can be sen in the lobby, straightening her hair.)
Marjorine- (To a guard.) You know how d-difficult it is to get here on time and change? I didn't even have time to put on the m-makeup!
Guard- (Female.) Well, I think you did a good job. If I were you, I'd worry about later. That is going to be hard.
Marjorine- (Sighs, looking down while finishing up. In the background, Stan enters the hotel.) Yeah, it will be. And I'm not getting paid all that well either!
(Stan has entered the hotel. Two guards approach him.)
Guard One- (Eastern European accent.) Sir, we need to frisk you.
Guard Two- (Scottish accent.) Aye, sir, do you have any weapons on you?
Stan- No. I hadn't planned on negotiating my hotel fee at gunpoint.
(The guards frisk him, the European one taking too long. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the Scottish one waves Stan past. He approaches the front desk, taking a few furtive glances back.)
Clerk- (Teenage girl.) Hai sar, ya need ta check in?
Stan- (Back on track, reaching for his ID.) Yes, yes. I have a reservation- Evan Fane.
(He hands her the ID. It is just like a driver's license, though obviously made in the basement of some kid's officer, complete with crayon writing.)
Clerk- (Types on the computer.) Good, good...'kay, you're in room 216. Here is your room key.(Hands him the key.) And a brochure of events here at(Sighs.) The Pink Taco.(Hands him the brochure.)
(Stan flips through it quickly and smiles at the woman, and starts to walk to the elevator. As he approaches it, it opens and Marjorine walks in. It starts to close.)
Stan- Ma'am, could you hold the elevator?
(Marjorine takes a quick stock of Stan and does as he asks, leaving it open long enough for Stan to enter. The two sit at the back of the elevator as it starts heading up slowly to floor two.)
Stan- I like a woman who has manners. It is hard to find one like that in this day and age.(Looks at her.) Come to think of it, your personality is probably reflected in the clothes.
Marjorine- (Smiling.) Well, I have been told I'm old fashioned. I don't know about that, but I do like to think that I do(dripping with sexuality) what I'm asked...if I want to.
Stan- (Suave) And you wanted to hold the elevator for little old me?
Marjorine- Well, I don't want to leave you out here in the lobby. (Serious, lower.) It's crawling with operatives from all sides.
Stan- Well, I don't want to get involved. I'm here to play some games, make some money.
Marjorine- (Smiling.) Well, I can see that you probably have an...expensive lifestyle?
Stan- Only the best for me and for those I'm with...tell me, what do you think of all this sh*t between Kyle and Cartman?
Marjorine- (Looking straight ahead.) I am a citizen of the glorious Cartman empire. I'm sure Kyle wants to destroy Cartman (Looks at Stan seductively.) but Cartman can take the...thrusts.
Stan- Oh, can he now? For how long?
Marjorine- (Smiling.) Longer than Kyle can keep thrusting.
Stan- (Smiling.) Well, hopefully we won't have to find out.
Marjorine- (Elevator stops at her floor, she steps out.) Hopefully..but, hopefully, I'll see you tonight. The name is Marjorine. Marjorine Isurewannahumpyou.
Stan- (As the door closes.) Evan Fane...216.(Winks. Door closes and starts going down. He has a disgusted look on his face.) I need to take a shower.
(Front desk, moments after Stan started going up. Shelley approaches.)
Shelley- Is a little turd named Fane here?
Clerk- Naw, I can't tell you that.
Shelley- (Reaches over and grabs the woman by the collar.) Listen, is there a Fane or not?!
Clerk- Yes! Yes! Let go, sh*t!
(Shelley lets go.)
Shelley- I have a reservation, Shelley Marsh.
Clerk- (Scared) I need your ID...(Shelley gives her a look) Or not, that's cool. Uhh...room 416, here is your key.
(Shelley grabs the key and walks towards the elevators. Her cell phone rings.)
Shelley- Yes? Yeah, I'm checked in. That little turd will be a soprano before the night is done, and I'm gonna gonna shove my bike up his ass until the tassels are his nose hairs!
(As Shelley walks over, we see Wendy in the lobby on a laptop. She is wearing some sort of combat camo outfit, save for her beret which is normal, and sunglasses. She stares in Shelley's direction.)
||Posted on May 20 2010, 11:17 PM
|| (Stan's backyard, near the treehouse. Bebe has a desk set up near the base of the tree. Stan walks up.)
Bebe- (Enamored.) Hello, Stanley.
Stan- Hey there, Ms. Stevens. Is P in?
Bebe- He is waiting for you.
(Stan starts walking to the ladder.)
Bebe- Hey, 009?
Stan- (Suave.) Yes?
Bebe- Don't be an idiot and endanger yourself again. Otherwise, what do I have to look forward to?
Stan- (Deflated.) Oh, okay, thanks.
(He climbs up. mumbling to himself. He reaches the top, where Pip has his office.)
Pip- Jolly good to see you again 009, even if you didn't accomplish your mission.
Stan- (Angered) Why the hell is everyone on my case today? First my mom blows up when I don't make my bed, then Kyle gets pissy for me because he is an unathletic assh*le so he pulls a muscle, Bebe calls me an idiot and you're getting on my case because I couldn't stop a French guy from blowing himself up. Well, I've got news for you, there is only one of me and I'm not feeling very appreciated lately!
Pip- (Rolls his eyes.) Well I'm sorry about that Stan, so maybe Bebe can rub your balls and talk about feelings with you later, but for now we have important matters to discuss.
Stan- (Shocked.) Since when did you get such a smart mouth on you?
Pip- (Dumbfounded.) It's in the...the...you know...
Stan- (Confused.) Script?
Pip- There you go! (Clears throat.) 009, as you saw, Ze Mole is dead. With him go much of the plan to destroy this organization of his. All we can tell now is that Cartman has been supplying his organization with weapons.
Stan- And then the weapons get into the hands of the McCormick insurgency against Kyle. Therefore-
Butters- (Appearing behind Stan.) We have cause to inform Kyle that his suspicions were true.
Stan- (Scared.) AHH! Holy Christ in heaven, where the hell did you come from?
Butters- I-I just climbed up the ladder.
Stan- You're a silent one, that's for sure.
Pip- (Annoyed) Anyway...(Normal) That is the least of our issues for now. Even if we shut that pipeline down, Kenny could still get his hands on weapons.
Stan- (Hopeful.) So it may be a good thing that Ze Mole blew himself up? Yes?
Pip- No. You still messed up.
Stan- Well, what about that other guy who was there, Trent. Who does he work for?
Butters- O-Our intelligence says he is a general in Kenny's army. He may act as Ze Mole's contact.
Stan- Hey, that's a lead. Pip, stop getting on my ass now.
Pip- Without Ze Mole, his organization will disappear from view. They'll be back. You don't get to not take all the blame for being a lousy agent. But that isn't a big deal right now. We have a bigger problem.
Butters- Dougie has gone missing.
Stan- That scientist that was working for Kyle?
Butters- Yes. His h-house was....uhh...attacked and he vanished.
Stan- And...why did it take you so long to say attacked?
Butters- I-I thought maybe there was a better word. Anyway, as you can guess, our first suspicion is-
Stan- (Low) Cartman. P, what do you want me to do?
Pip- You will infiltrate a Cartman-owned hotel, The Pink Taco.
Stan- (Stiffling a laugh.) Pssh, hehehehehehe...
Pip- What's so funny?
Stan- (Holding a laugh back.) Nothing, nothing.
Pip- Anyway, we have reason to believe that people there will know of Dougie. Find out what you can and rescue that scientist, 009. We believe that a Ms...what was her name, Butters?
Butters- (Closes.) Her name is Ms. Marjorine Isurelywannahumpyou. We believe she is a Cartman agent of some sort. Start your search there.
Stan- (Suave.) Well, her name is surely a mouthful. Perhaps I should-
Pip- You are a disgusting pig. We also believe a Ms. Testaburger will be there. See what you can get from her.
Butters- Y-Your cover will be Evan Fane, a-and you're there for a game week.
Pip- You have to get there ASAP. You-
Sharon- (Voice.) Stanley, breakfast!
Stan- (Yelling.) Be down in a moment! (To Pip.) I'll be back in ten.
Pip- (As Stan leaves, to Butters.) Why is it that his parents are still the only ones not aware of the schedule we have?
Butters- The-They think this is pretty stupid.
(Ten minutes later, Stan comes back up with a contented look on his face. Butters is gone.)
Stan- (Happy.) Hmm...waffles. Good breakfast!
Pip- So happy for you, jolly good feelings all around. Anyway, all I needed to say was you need to get ready. Butters is in the garage. Go see him.
Stan- (Sighs.) You could have told me that before I left to go eat.
Pip- Well, now you can work off the waffles you just ate.
(A minute later, Stan arrives in the garage. There are two bikes, a new coat, and a small table full of things. Butters is playing around with things as Stan enters.)
Butters- Ah, 009, so nice to see you. I'm B.
Stan- Hello there, B. I see you have some things for me.
Butters- Yes, I do. Follow me.
(He walks over to a jacket, much like Stan's.)
Stan- So you raided my closet and got another jacket of mine? What a gadget.
Butters- We did raid your closet. Well, we didn't. Your mom did. We told her that you didn't have a jacket. Anywho, we tore it up and made some changes. Put it on.
(Stan takes his coat off and puts the new one on.)
Stan- Well, it is very warm. I can stay outside longer. But beyond that, what's different? If there isn't anything toxic involved, I'd really like to have all my jackets like this.
Butters- We have made the front and back more paintball resistant. And if you tug on your collar three times in quick suc-suc-sucsession, it will blow up into a ball that will surround you. It will allow you to absorb long falls, shocks, and even float for a while.
Stan- That's, like, way above your budget. Where'd you get the money, dude?
Butters- Uhh...good deals? Anyway, that jacket is important. Keep it safe. Now, follow me.
(He walks over to a pen and brings it up to Stan's view. It is one of those pens that has multiple color settings.)
Butters- The only setting that works is black- all the rest are gadgets.
Stan- sh*t son, where'd you get that?
Butters- Focus, S-Stan. The red setting is actually a radio transmitter. It connects to the radio Pip has. Green- a self-destruct sequence that shoots out a rather large amount of paint.
Stan- So basically, I'd have to kill myself? Great gadget you have there.
Butters- It is timed, 009. Blue is a dark light device. Useful in dark places or looking for hidden words or fluids. Finally, yellow is a three-time use lemonade gun.
Stan- Not bad, B. Did you find this at Wal*Mart?
Butters- No, Costco. Next we have this cologne. Normally, it gives out a healthy musky odor that girls like. However, switch the spray around, and you activate some O2. You can use this to freeze something.
Stan- Yeah, because it isn't cold enough.
Butters- I don't know, it's been warm lately. Follow me.
(They walk over to Stan's bike.)
Stan- I can't wait to see what you did to my bike!
Butters- We didn't do anything. Your mom said we couldn't. We had to borrow Shelley's bike that she never uses anymore.
Stan- (Angered) You weren't supposed to ask her, B. You were just supposed to do it!
Butters- Well, I'm sorry, but I try to r-respect the feelings of the parents in these matters. Anyway, Shelley's bike...
(They look at it. Slightly bigger than Stan's with pink tassels and is otherwise very feminine. Stan looks very pissed.)
Butters- The first thing you'll notice-
Stan- Is that I'll get my ass kicked using that thing.
Butters-...Is that the basket is empty. However, tug the right tassel(He does this and a paintball container case pops up, connected to a small gun and ear pieces.) and you're ready to kick some b-butt. Put the ear pieces in and when you turn your head, the gun will turn. You fire by gripping the handle bar and turning it. The left tassel releases mines- thumbtacks. The left brake brings two training wheels down- special ones that will give you the greatest agility possible with a reduction in speed. The right brake pumps up a second pair of wheels built into the first in case the first are deflated. Questions?
Stan- (Holding the bridge of the nose.) Why Shelley's bike? She'll kill me and then you, and it won't be pretty.
Butters- W-Well I'm sorry, but we couldn't do it to yours, I'd get in trouble.
Stan- (Grumbling.) Yeah, trouble. (Speaks up.) Yes, trouble. Danger. It is the name of the game. Well Butters, I'd better get going. The world needs a savior, and I'm the one on tap.
Butters- Well, I feel much better now that you're on the case, 009. Go find Dougie and r-rescue him.
(Stan takes the pen and, sighing, gets on Shelley's bike. Butters presses the garage door button and Stan drives off onto the road. Randy is in his bathrobe getting the paper.)
Randy- (Confused.) Hey, is Stan riding on Shelley's bike?
||Posted on May 20 2010, 11:14 PM
|| (The gun sight goes across the screen, and we see Stan walk suavely across as the Bond theme plays. We reach the middle and he turns to the screen and pulls the trigger of the lemonade gun, but nothing happens. He pulls it a few more times and then looks at it-and, predictably, it goes off into his face. The gun sight wobbles as lemonade falls over the screen-)
Stan- (Angry, lemonade in his eyes.) Wait, wait! Aww, goddamnit! This hurts! We need to do this again.
(The gun finishes the wobble despite Stan's complaints, setting at the top right.)
Stan- Aww, f*ck it!
(The sight sets on the moon, and we see a regular shot. We pan down- it is night. We pan down- we are in Denver, Mile High Stadium, entrance near the parking lot. Three trucks are parked. Near the entrance are two guards.)
Guard One- What do you mean, I should have worn eye protection?
Guard Two- Haven't you read the paper? Pigeons love to take craps on people from here. If you look up when that happens, you'll go from hazel eyes to brown.
Guard One- How the hell do you know I have hazel eyes?
Guard Two- Because I love you, Jacob.
Guard One- (Disgusted) For the love of Christ, keep that to yourself.
(There is a noise, like a rock being tossed into a dumpster for the purpose of distracting someone. The two guards raise their sub-machine paintball guns.)
Guard Two- I'll check on it, love.
Guard One- Yeah, you do that, gaylord.
(The second guard walks into the dark.)
Guard One- I mean, Mike, you know I like you as a friend, but I'm not like that so when you say those things it makes me very uncomfortable. I would appreciate your respect in this matte-
(The dumpster explodes in paintballness, sending the second guard to the ground. The first ducks and, gun raised, runs over to the second.)
Guard One- Mike, you okay?!
Guard Two- (Scared) Y-Yeah, Jacob.
Guard One- I was afraid I lost you...
(The two stare longingly at one another- and so Stan moves from his hiding spot and into the entrance.)
Stan- (Armed with his lemonade gun, running, talking into a headset.) I'm in, P.
Pip- (Radio) Good job, 009.
Stan- (Reaching a maintenance ladder.) Yeah, about that, 009 isn't very creative.
Pip- Well, I'm sorry Stan but if you want to be the secret agent you have to go by the naming conventions.
Stan- (Sighs) We're changing it.
Pip- (Angry) This is insubordination!
Stan- Oh, shut up. At least you're doing something.
(Stan spends a few minutes more climbing up the ladder. He gets to the top- he is in the maintenance room of the luxury seating area. It is dark, but then a flashlight shines in his face.)
Stan- (Blocking the light) Damnit man, when I said to flash the light when I came up, I didn't mean in my face. I swear, seven lines in and I'm just about blind.
Kyle- (Turning on the room light, dropping the flashlight. Dressed as a guard.) Nice to see you too, Stan.
(Nods to the wall.) Your uniform is over there.
Stan- Everything set up?
Kyle- Yes. I have two other men in the meeting. Baker and I have wires, transmitting to a satellite. When we have what we need, we can take them all down.
Stan- (Incredulous.) Wait, you really are hooked up to a satellite?
Kyle- Yeah...cell phones, you know.
Stan- (Embarassed.) Oh.
Kyle-...Wait, you didn't think...what are you, stupid?
Stan- Shut up. Focus on the mission.
(He is dressed as a guard, complete with sub-machinegun paintball gun. The two nod and Kyle opens the door. It leads down a corridor that leads to a series of double doors. The boys go through them and enter a meeting room. Ze Mole is there with Trent. Five guards are there, and because of the quick glances, Stan knows that the two guards on Kyle's side are the ones on the opposite side of the table. Stan and Kyle stick close and make their rounds.)
Ze Mole- Ahh, I zee you ztwo have returned. Tell me, does zhe clean your pee-pee for zyou? Probably not, at zeast not for you.
Trent- (Bored.) I don't have time to waste on your jokes, Mole. What is in the shipment?
Ze Mole- Forty-five Zubmachinegunz, twenty-zhousand rounds. Fifteen riflez, zeven-zhousand rounds. Azzorted heavy weaponz- all from ze great Cartman.
Trent- (Looking at his cell phone.) Yeah, sounds good. How much was the agreed upon price? Variables included.
Ze Mole- (Looking up very quickly.) Ah, zere are variablez? How many?
Trent- Four. Time, location, manufacturer, quality.
Ze Mole- I zee.
(Stan happens to see Ze Mole reach for his paintball gun- but a moment too late. Trent pulls out two pistols and fires, taking out the two allied guards. Ze Mole turns to fire at Stan, who is tossing a Terrance and Phillip doll into the air.)
Kyle- (Dives and pushes Stan out of the way.) LOOK OUT!
(Ze Mole fires and hits Kyle in the shoulder as Stan goes to the ground. The music starts. Stan rolls against the roll while Kyle rolls under the table. The doll goes off, sending paintballs everywhere. Trent avoids it by diving out of the window leading to the seats. Ze Mole avoids it by diving through the double doors. The guards inside are defeated. After a moment, Stan looks at Kyle.)
Stan- (Worried) You okay Kyle?
Kyle- (Biting lip.) No, I'm hurt like all hell!
Stan- (Confused.) It was only a paintball.
Kyle- I pulled a muscle, butt pirate.
(Kyle suddenly fires his weapon at the opposite double doors where two guards were coming through, killing them both. Stan fires at two guards coming across the corner next to his set of double doors, killing them. He jumps up as Kyle sets a bomb.)
Stan- You'll be okay, right?
Kyle- (Grunting.) Get The Mole! Don't worry about me, just get off this floor before this thing blows or you'll look like a hippy.
Stan- How long?
Kyle- Twenty seconds.
(Stan runs out into the open to chase Ze Mole- and then automatically jumps back into where he came from as six guards with rifles and sub-machineguns fire at him. From the other double doors, Stan can see eight more.)
(Looking around. He can see the top of the heads of seven guards coming from where Trent had run off. He then turns to the opposite window- and sees an opening. He fires his sub-machine gun and destroys the window and starts running towards it. He pulls Kyle up.)
Kyle- YOWWW! The hell?
Stan- Just run!
(They jump over the window and onto the window washer's stand. Stan takes aim and fires, destroying the mechanism that controls how quickly the lift descends. Kyle, gathering what the plan is, pulls the lever down. The lift descends rapidly- just as the bomb goes off, sending plumes of paintball vapors billowing out of the luxury seats. The lift almost hits the ground, but Stan and Kyle jump out, hitting the ground and rolling to a truck. They can hear the sirens of Kyle's allies coming to the rescue- and out of the entrance comes Ze Mole on a bike.)
Stan- Kyle, you secure the area. I'll go after that bastard. I still owe him for my last trip to Denver.
Kyle- Get that bastard, make him squeal like a virgin!
Stan- Wait, what?
Kyle- (Ashamed.) I know, I heard it from Kenny in rehearsal.
(Stan runs off into the parking lot, and finds his bike. He starts riding it...)
(Later that night, near the dawn. Ze Mole is in the woods, sweating on his bike.)
Ze Mole- (Bringing out his cell phone, huffing and puffing.) Come on, come on...Yez! Lizen, I am being followed, Iz do not if I can shake zis kid. Iniziate protocol zeven-
(He hears a noise and twists around off of his bike, pointing his uzi-like paintball gun all around.)
Ze Mole- (Still talking into the cell.) He iz here...
(He turns to a new position, and is doused straight in the face by a lemonade gun shot.)
Ze Mole- (Falling down, letting go of gun and cell.) AHHH! ZE f*cking f*ck!
(Stan comes out from the shadows, also sweating.)
Stan- That was a very exciting and enthralling chase, and I'm happy I was able to experience it in great detail. Now-
Ze Mole- f*ck you and ze experiences you love zo much! My f*cking eyz! I hope ze choke on your boyfriendz cock!
Stan- Are you done? I've got some questions.
Ze Mole- No, I amz not done! What the hell waz zat for? I waz prepared for anything but zis, zis is woman-fighting, lemonade gun in zey eye. What ze hell, man? My eyez burn like...what do you American zig-zogz say...all hell.
Stan- (Rolls his eyes.) Listen, who is bankrolling your arms dealings? I know who gave you the weapons.
Ze Mole- Armz dealingz my azz, you shot me in ze face, you f*cking panzy! I'll zee you in hell!
(He throws his coat off, revealing that he is wearing a paintball-bomb vest. He presses a button. Stan turns and dives into the "camera" as the explosion splashes across the screen in many colors, which leads into the movie's theme song.)