Title: Dr. Blow
ShaneMarsh - June 9, 2010 10:02 AM (GMT)
(The gun sight goes across the screen, and we see Stan walk suavely across as the Bond theme plays. We reach the middle and he turns to the screen and pulls the trigger of the lemonade gun, but nothing happens. Stan pulls the trigger three or four more times, before switching out for a nerf pistol. He fires at the screen, which wobbles as lemonade washes over it and it settles on the top left of the screen.)
Stan- (A little angry, voice-over) We still can't get these stupid prop lemonade guns to work!
(The camera pans out and we see the top of the community center. We see a figure running towards the camera, though we can not see anything above the hip. The pair of sneakers stops right in front of the camera, which switches to behind the figure, who is in all black to match the dark night that surrounds him. Redundant. We see the figure get rope out of the backpack it carries and it ties the rope to a rock, which it throws with great exertion out of the backpack, leaving us to wonder how the figure did it.)
Figure- (Huffing and puffing) Jesus Christ, this was a bad move...
(The camera is once again on his back. The figure sighs and spreads his arms. A moment later, the figure jumps off of the roof as the camera stays on the figure's back. After a thirty foot drop, the figure is stopped by the rope ending and is jerked. The figure gets a small, colorful Terrance and Phillip brand Swiss Army Knife out and cuts the rop. The figure drops eight more feet and lands, brushing itself off. Behind the figure is the back door into the community center. Voices can be heard, and the figure runs behind a dumpster that is next to the door.)
(Two figures exit the door- guards. The smaller one on the right wipes his mouth.)
Smaller Guard- Damn, that's the last time I am ever going to kneel and take it in the mouth, Jerry.
Larger Guard- Why is that?
Smaller Guard- Because you're messy and sloppy, dude!
Larger Guard- (Laughs) Yeah, well, I think you'll still do it.
Smaller Guard- (Smiles sheepishly) I love you, Jerry.
Larger Guard- I know you do, bitch.
Smaller Guard- (As they walk away, low so the figure can't hear) Yeah, but I don't want your family's wine anymore...
(They leave the door on patrol. The figure sneaks past them, shaking his head in disgust as he enters the back of the community. There is a small hallway with two doors on either side. At the end of the hallway are large double doors that seem to be locked. Lights are on in both rooms on the right and the larger room on the left, the second door. The figure moves swiftly into the dark room on the left, and it closes the door behind. The figure turns into the dark room, which is some sort of storage-)
(-A gun is at his neck.)
Voice- Nice of you to show, 009.
Figure- Nice of you to be here, 008.
(009 turns around as 008 holsters his room. Both take off of their masks.)
Stan-(009) You know how to get past that door?
Kyle-(008) Yeah. We can get into the main room and destroy those weapons as long as we don't screw up, like how a certain someone screwed up the job in Fairplay.
Stan-(Rolls his eyes) Maybe that certain someone would have done the job if his best friend wasn't bitching about his parents the whole time just because they didn't allow him to go to the Raging Pussies concert.
Kyle- (Whispered fury) Hey! I've never been to see them live and you've seen them twice! (Sighs, getting out his auto-nerf pistol) Ready?
Stan- (Getting his out) I was born ready.(Thinking) And two weeks ahead of schedule. But yeah, let's roll.
(Kyle takes the lead. He cracks the door and takes a look out- it is open. Kyle nods and the two enter the hallway, nearly crawling as they sneak under the windows. The room next to the dark room is a large cafeteria where about forty guards are socializing. The opposite rooms are administrative- all are unaware of the two agents. They get to the double doors. Kyle starts to pick the lock while Stan covers him.)
Kyle- (Picking the lock, whispering) So Stan...how'd you get in?
Stan- (Covering him) I base jumped off of the roof.
Kyle- (Whispering) Why the hell would you do that? And how did you get up there?
(Silence as Stan looks around.)
Stan- Shut up and pick that lock.
(As he finishes that, Kyle has picked the lock. He opens the door slowly and peers into the darkness. he waves Stan in.)
(There are eight large containers on the right side, full of 'chemicals'- in this case, farts. Kids don't have resources like we do, sadly. Beyond that and the locked front door, there is nothing of note except a large mobile laundry basket in the middle of the room. Stan and Kyle run over to the containers. Stan opens his backpack up and brings out a few explosives- Terrance and Phillip ones, to be exact. Merchandising, my friend. Suck it.)
Stan- (Handing some to Kyle) For the Broncos, Kyle.
Kyle- For the Broncos, Stan.
(They move into the container area and start attaching explosives. All goes well-)
Kyle- AHHHHHCHOOO!(Sniffles) Aww, crap.
(Back in the cafeteria, Token is in charge. He is standing up and eating a bowl of soup.)
Guard#23- Yo boss, when ya gonna get us somethin' better than dis shit?
Token- Shut up and eat what Cartman gives us.
Guard#23- But I'm diabetic, you ass!
Token- (Mocks him) I'm a diabetic wahh wahh wahh(Normal) Shut up Niels. This stuff sucks but our glorious Cartman Union isn't doing so well. We all have to make sacrifices, and-
(Kyle's sneeze is heard. Token stops what he is eating and looks out of the cafeteria window that overlooks the main room. He can see the two agents, and can see Kyle's face.)
Token- (Dropping his soup and getting his paintball gun)- and now is the time to prove it! INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS IN THE CHEMICAL STORAGE AREA! DESTROY THEM!
(The guards scramble for their guns while Token brings out a remote. hehehehe press the button heeehehehe. He does so and a minute later, alarms are going off inside and outside the community center.)
Kyle- (He and Stan finish placing the explosives) Damnit! Sorry Stan, looks like we have company.
Stan- (Sighs as he sets the timer to four minutes) Now who is the screw up?!
(Both boys drop their nerf guns- they are meant for stealth. They each pull paintball pistols out of their holsters just as the guards start to rush in through the doors- the double door that the boys came through and a door on the far side of the cafeteria. We can't see Kyle firing, though we cn hear him firing. Stan has his back to a container and he wheels out to his right and fires through the containers in the front, firing three shots and hitting a guard twice in the chest and another in the head. He then wheels to the left and takes out another guard coming from the double doors before taking out two more coming from the far side. However, the return fire is intense, as the guards who do get in are armed with automatic paintball guns. Stan walks backwards, firing at any guards he can see until he is so far back in the containers that he can't see past any of them. Looking around, he notices that one of the explosives is on the container he is at. He starts messing with it as the double doors are throw open with enough force to make them slam against the walls.)
Stan- (Changing the explosive to go off in one minute) There is a draft in here, Kyle!
(Stan takes the paintball pistol and slowly moves to the outside container so he can get a better look of the main room.)
(Token has a gun to Kyle's head, who is on his knees. There are about thirty guards standing, another fourteen are dead.)
Token- Come on out, 009. You are surrounded. Give in and you will live, and we shall spare your friend here. Fight and you both will die.
Kyle- Blow them to hell, Stan!
Token- Think about this, 009.
(Stan looks around, worried.)
Token- Think about what this means for you, your friend, and your people. Think about...your family.
Kyle- SCREW THEM! FOR THE BRONC-
(Token fires- Stan looks away. 40 seconds.)
Token- (Looking at the containers, sighs) His blood is on your hands, 009.
(Stan looks around, biting his lip. He looks at the large mobile laundry basket thingie. He sighs.)
Token- I will give you five-
(Stan leaps out of the container area with 35 seconds left and fires twice, taking out the guards on either side of Token with one shot each. The return fire is intense as Stan dives behind the laundry basket. Stan holds his right shoulder and grimaces in pain, pulling his hand back and revealing a large yellow paintball stain.)
Token- (Panicked) DON'T FIRE! DON'T FIRE! THAT IS MY MOM'S LAUNDRY!
(Someone with an itchy trigger fires fires a single ball. Token turns and fires at the guard once, hitting him in the head and sending him flying into the cafeteria window.)
Token- WHAT'D I SAY, NIELS?!
(Stan moves onto the right side of the laundry basket thingie. He starts moving it back and forth.)
Token- (Confused) 009, just give up. Stop being a dick. We're just gonna give you a swirly and send you home.
Stan- (In some pain) You killed Kyle, you asshole. I'm not going to give u-up!
Token- (Confused even more) He isn't dead, Stan. It's just a scri-
Stan- I know, r-tard! Lines! I'm saying the lines!
(Stan has been moving it back and forth this whole time and finally swings it forwards towards the doors as hard as he can, jumping in as it flies towards the door.)
Token- (Realizing what Stan is doing) Crap! Crap! FIRE!
(Outside, the guards and vehicles that had been guarding the front had responded to the alarm by surrounding the front door. Two guards approach it slowly as about twenty more are in a semi-circle, focused on the door. The lead guard unlocks the door-)
(-The laundry basket with Stan in it hits the door and flies through it, sending the guards near the door flying in pain. Stan stays down as everyone fires at him, the guards inside and outside.)
(The basket continues to hurl itself out of the community center and is on the road, guards diving out of the way as the basket nearly runs them over. Token leads the charge out.)
Token- Get the bastard! Don't let him get away!
(Stan's basket is now heading in an open path that leads to a long drop from the road to the emptiness between town and Stark's Pond. Token points to the basket as dozens of paintballs fly towards it, two RPG-using kids getting down on one knee as they take aim.)
(The RPG teams prepare to fire as Stan prepares to jump, getting up a little bit.They fire, and Stan sees the RPG's flying towards him. He approaches the drop.)
(The first RPG misses wide, but the second hits it dead on. The basket starts to tilt and twist, which makes it impossible for Stan to jump off properly. The basket jettisons off of the jump and in a moment of stability, Stan jumps out which causes the basket to tip and spill the laundry.)
(The Terrance and Phillip doll explosives detonate, which for some reason causes all of the chemicals- farts, just in case you thought this was a sophisticated program- to explode as well. Within a second, an intense wave of stink sweeps over the community center and the road, exploding over the drop like a fireball.)
(The camera is at the bottom of the drop, looking up. Stan is falling towards the camera in slow motion, clutching his shoulder in pain while the fart-cloud of doom is above him, having just escaped. The theme song begins as we cut to black.)
ShaneMarsh - June 14, 2010 08:57 AM (GMT)
(Invesco Field at Mile High, after the Broncos have thoroughly demolished the AFC West doormat Raiders. Many are leaving the stadium- the Marsh family included. Stan's right arm is in a cast, which is slung over his shoulder.)
Sharon- Did you have a good time, sweetie?
Stan- (Smiling) Yeah! That was great!
Randy- OOOH YEAH! 37-3, we smoked 'em! (Dancing) Stan, you need to get injured near the Community Center so we could sue them more often!
Stan- (Deadpan) Yeah, I'll look into that.
(He feels the cellphone in his pocket vibrate and sighs.)
Stan- Hey mom, I'll meet you guys later at the hotel, okay?
Sharon- Sure, honey. I'll just leave my nine-year old son alone in front of a stadium where fifty thousand people are milling about. Have a nice night!
(She leaves inexplicably as Stan picks his cell phone up.)
Pip- (VO) Hello, 009. How was the game?
Stan- (Sighs) Good, it was good. What do you want?
Pip- (VO) How are you healing?
Stan- (Taking his cast off as he goes behind a pillar) I'm fine now, but I wanted to milk it. It HAS been three weeks, Pip.
Pip- (VO) That's jolly good that you're all fine and well, but how is your mission?
(Stan looks around the pillar and spots Wendy, who is wearing a Bronco tee shirt.)
Stan- It's going pretty well. I can see the target and I'm keeping track of her.
Pip- (VO) Excellent! We need to know who she is working for. 019 will never be the same.
Stan- (Angry) Screw Clyde, he shouldn't have kissed her.
Pip- (VO) Keep focused, 009.
Stan- I am focused, but that doesn't change that Clyde deserves whatever happens to him.
Pip- (VO, sighs) Just keep tabs on her and make contact when can, 009. P out.
(Stan hangs up the phone and starts to tail Wendy...)
(Later that night, the hotel. Butters' room is empty, except for the blond little wuss himself. He is on the hotel phone.)
Butters- (Excited) T-thanks, uhh, mom and dad for leaving for an hour! I k-knew you'd come through and u-understand this is a big break for me! O-okay, well, see y-you later!
(He hangs up the phone and looks around nervously.)
Butters- (Closing eyes) Okay B-Butters, you're gonna do great! G-Go you-
(Knock at the door.)
Butters- (Nervous) O-oh boy, oh Jesus see me t-through this. (Gets up) Coming!
(He opens the door, revealing Wendy with a small bag.)
Wendy- Hello there, Leopold.
Butters- (Nervous) W-well hello, Wendy. This i-is a surprise.
Wendy- (Smiles) I'm sure it is. May I come on in, Buttercup?
Butters- (Blushes and steps aside) S-sure.
(She walks in, looking around in confidence.)
Wendy- So, are you excited for the big reveal tomorrow?
Butters- I s-sure am! I get to be in the front seat and drive the bicycle!
Wendy- (Sits down on the bed) I'm so proud of you! You've certainly come up in the world.
Butters- (Sits down next to her) I-It was a lot of hard work, but I finally got here. And it's all thanks to you and all the training your o-organization gave me.
Wendy- (Leans in closer) No, Butters. It was all up to you, and you did well. (Closer) You're so talented...
Butters- (Blushes) W-well thanks, I think you're really talented t-too.
Wendy- (Leans in, smiles) You have NO idea, Butters.
Butters- (Leans in, nervous) I-I think I d-d-do...
Wendy- (Both of their eyes close) Want to prove that you...are talented enough for me?
Butters- (Leans in for the kiss) I'Il do anything..
(Just as they are about to kiss, she backs up and reaches for her bag as her eyes open.)
Wendy- (Quick) Well, I have a way.
Butters- (Confused and a little saddened) W-what is it?
(She pulls a baseball bat out of the bag.)
Wendy- The true test of a boy's bravery, Butters, is to put your head on the top of the handle of the bat, holding it straight down to the floor. Then you spin twenty times. If you can maintain your balance, you get a kiss and SO much more.
Butters- (Takes hold of the bat, still a little confused) H-how does t-this prove-
Wendy- (Smiling) Butters, just trust me. It's so MANLY.
(Butters stands up, looking confused still. He sets himself up.)
Wendy- (Laying down on the bed) Hey, where did you put the key to the bicycle you're showing off tomorrow?
Butters- (Looks up from the bat) I-I can't tell you that, Wendy. You should know that!
Wendy- Oooh Butters, come on.
Butters- W-well, it's in my blue bag.
Wendy- Is it okay if I...look at it?
(She reaches into his bag and leafs through it, finally finding the bright red key marked "SPECIAL". She sits back up.)
Wendy- (Low) Nice.
Wendy- Nothing. Get to spinning!
Butters- O-okay, I guess.
(He puts his head on the bat and starts spinning.)
Butters- (After five spins) Woo-aaaaahhh, I'm getting dizzy h-here(After ten spins) I-I can't-can't do...
(At fifteen spins, he spins away from the bat and towards the wall.)
Butters- WoooAAAAhhhhh-(Hits wall) Ummmfff.
(As he falls against the wall and collapses onto the ground, Wendy stands up.)
Wendy- (Smiling, utterly uninterested) Such a disappointment, Butters. Tisk tisk.
(She starts walking towards the door.)
Butters- (Nauseous) OooooOOOOhhhhhh, I-I can't breathe, W-Wen...
Wendy- (Heading towards the door, picking up her bat and bag) I know you can't. Goodbye, Butters.
(She opens the door and leaves. The camera is across the hall, focused in the middle of the hallway. We see Wendy closing the door behind her and walking towards the camera. Immediately after she is out of the camera's view, Stan appears at the end of the hallway. He moves to Butters' room and knocks.)
Stan- Anyone here?
(No response. Stan brings out his nerf pistol.)
Stan- Anyone in here?
Stan- Just once I'd like for someone to answer the door. 'Hello, please come on. It is a pleasure to have you as company. Have some cookies and milk.' But no. I never get to have an easy day.
(Stan opens the door, holding the pistol out and keeping alert. He moves into the main room and sees Butters laying on the floor, unconscious. Not really, but close enough.)
Stan- Well, I guess this raises the stakes a little.
(Stan checks Butters' pockets and pulls out an ID for tomorrow's event. "B-12 Pilot, Leopold Butters Stotch". Stan frowns and looks in the blue bag given to all the participants. He rifles through it and finds nothing, then walks back to Butters and checks for a pulse.)
Stan- (Sighs as he closes his eyes) Damnit. Dead.
Butters- (Woozy) I-I'm not dead.
Stan- (Standing up) Shut up, Butters.
(With that, Stan turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind him and putting the ID in his pocket. He straightens his tuxedo and moves towards the hall camera. He brings out his cell phone and looks nervous.)
Stan- Yeah, P, we have a situation. The target just killed a B-12 Pilot.
Pip- (VO) Oh dear, that IS a problem. We need to find out who it is she is working for before the presentation. Otherwise, we can't do anything to stop them.
Stan- Couldn't I just take her out?
Pip- (VO, shocked) 009, are you mentally challenged?
Stan- (Taken aback) The hell?
Pip- (VO, annoyed) We need to find out who she is working for. If you kill her, how can we do that?
Stan- You made your point, jackass.
Pip- (VO, less annoyed) We don't have long. See if you can find her and make contact with her. Try to get us some information to work with, 009.
Stan- Will do, P.
Pip- Good hunting. Cheerio!
(Stan hangs up.)
Stan- (Looks around) If I were an attractive agent working for some sort of organization, where would I choose to spend my night before I did something evil so as to not be seen?
(He thinks for a minute before he snaps his fingers.)
Stan- Hotel lobby!
ShaneMarsh - June 21, 2010 09:17 AM (GMT)
(The Clarion Hotel's lobby is empty, save a few kids. A sign above the entrance doorway has been written over- "Clarion Lobby" has become "Claire's Lobby" in pink crayon. Stan enters the lobby looking dapper. He takes a quick look around, then pulls 3-D glasses out of his breast pocket and puts them on.)
(His viewpoint. The 3-D glasses do nothing as he scans the room, checking everyone out.)
Stan- (Low, to himself) Hmm...good, no one is armed. That's a good sign.
(He takes the glasses off and put them back as he goes to the bar. He taps the counter and an ugly young girl looks at him, the bartender. Braces, freckles, a malformed face, large nose, buckteeth- a true Wyoming special.)
Stan- I'll take milk- chocolate, not vanilla.
Bartender- (Lisp) Comin' right up, doll.
(Stan continues to look around as the milk is handed to him. He doesn't see Wendy.)
Stan- So, what is your name?
Bartender- (Stutter) C-Claire, Mr...?
Stan- The name's Marsh. Stan Marsh.
Bartender- (Lisp) Nith to meet you, Mr. Marsh. We don't thee your type around here all that often.
Stan- What do you mean? This seems like an upscale place.
Claire- (Bats her eyes) Y-yeah, but none your age. Or mine, for t-t-t-that matter.
Stan- (Looking away) Yeah...well, I'm supposed to be meeting someone. Have you seen a girl about my height, long black hair, long legs named Wendy?
Claire- (Deflated) I t-think she went to t-the bat-throom.
Stan- (Raises his glass as he leans away from the table) Thanks for your help, Claire.
(He walks away shuddering and makes his way to a pillar that allows him to lean and see Wendy when she gets out. After a minute, she does and starts moving towards a table near the side of the room. Stan follows slowly and after a minute, he is behind her.)
Stan- (Confidently) I have b-
Wendy- (Not looking at him) You may sit with me, boy. I am not attached.
(Stan is confused but sits across from her, still in her purple dress.)
Stan- You don't seem too concerned with inviting strange boys to sit with you.
Wendy- Better to have strange boys sitting at mace length than waiting for you in some dark corner. Besides, you aren't so strange.
Stan- (Smiles) Why do you say that?
Wendy- (Takes a drink) I'm an attache to the Clyde delegation for the presentation tomorrow at Casa Bonita. I need to know as much as I can. Stan Marsh, PI-6(Pirrup Intelligence-6), double-0 agent. One of the best.
Stan- (Fake smile still on) You certainly know a bit about me, and I can't even claim to know your full name.
Wendy- The name's Wendy Stotch. My step-brother is going to be a pilot in the presentation tomorrow.
Stan- Is that so? Good for him. You must be proud.
Wendy- You have no idea. (Looks around) It has been nice chatting with you Mr. Marsh, but I have a long day tomorrow and my room is drafty.
(She gets up.)
Stan- Ms. Stotch, wouldn't you like to have a private drink? I have-
(She laughs and moves to behind him, throwing her arms around his neck.)
Wendy- Stan, two things. First off, I enjoy my...alone time. (Whispers) Secondly, seeing you, there goes the last lingering threat of my heterosexuality.(Normal) See you at the presentation, Mr. Marsh.
(She pulls up- but before she leaves, she squeezes his right shoulder. She waltzes away as he clutches his shoulder and grimaces in pain. After a few seconds, he recovers and looks to find her. She is gone. He gets up in a hurry and starts walking quickly out of the lobby as he grabs his cell phone.)
Stan- (As he leaves) Pip!
Pip- (VO) Cherrio, 009! Did you meet up with the target?
(He sees Wendy foot as it vanishes into an elevator. Stan starts to jog.)
Stan- More like she met with me. She knew who I was and about my shoulder.
Pip- (VO) I thought your shoulder had healed?
Stan- (Pissy) My ARM is healed, but my shoulder still hurts you asshole! I was shot!
Pip- (VO) I apologize 009. Did you find out much about her?
Stan- Not a damn thing. She knew who I was and wasn't going to play that game. She probably knows I know about Butters.
Pip- (VO, Chastising) 009, you need-
Stan- (Mocking as he reaches the elevator) Meh meh meh I'm P and I'm lazy and don't do anything meh meh meh.(Stops) I'm going to get something on her in a few minutes. Just sit tight and keep your panties clean.
(He shuts the phone off and looks up at the numbers above the elevator- it has stopped at 17, two above his floor.)
(Later that night, outside of the hotel. The camera is pointed at Wendy's room and the balcony. Her parents are asleep and she has a towel covering herself and the TV on. On the balcony, we see a hook with a rope attached to it fly over the balcony and attach itself. The rope straightens up as Stan pulls himself into view and, very slowly, onto the balcony.)
Stan- (Huffing and puffing, eyes wide in fear) Oh God, never again, never again, such a bad idea. (Takes a deep breath) Okay, here we go.
(He slides down on the ground and slowly moves the curtain on the outside away from the window very slightly.)
(Inside, Wendy is sitting on the bed, watching TV and brushing her hair. Stan sees her and his jaw drops for a few seconds. he then shakes his head, fumbles around with his cell phone, and brings it up to take a picture. He spends what seems like forever- for a young boy, it probably went by too quickly- lining up the shot. He takes it and quickly ducks away. The sudden movement catches Wendy's eye, and she turns and sees the curtain move. She stands up and starts walking towards the window.)
(Stan can feel her steps and quickly moves to the rope. He prepares to jump off and then looks down- and very quickly looks away.)
Stan- Ohhhhhhhh boy. (Takes a deep breath) You can do it...
(He jumps over the balcony and takes hold of the rope as he bounces into the balcony on the rebound. He takes hold of the hook and pulls it off, sending him falling-)
(-Wendy reaches the window and opens it, stepping out tentatively. She takes a peek and goes back in.)
(Stan falls two floors, the lower half of his body falling away from the balconies that fly by. As he gets to his floor, he throws the hook out and it latches onto the balcony. Stan quickly grabs the rope with the one hand that isn't on the rope. Stan is jerked and viciously rebounded into the lower half of the balcony, hitting it with his right side. He free falls a bit as he lets go and catches the rope, falling some more as he gives ground, running out of rope. He finally gets his grip with one foot of rope left.)
Stan- (Eyes closed) Jesus Christ, I'm an idiot I'm an idiot I'm an idiot.
(He climbs up slowly and fitfully until he reaches his floor. With one last grunt and heave, he pulls himself over and crashes on the floor.)
Stan- (Breathing heavily) Why..did...I...do...that? (He takes out his cell phone and cycles to Wendy's picture. He hits send.) This...better be worth...it...(Smiles)..It was.
(He lays down, sprawled out and eyes closed. After a minute, he feels the vibration of his phone in his left hand and puts it up to his ear.)
Stan- (Eyes closed) Got what you needed, P?
Pip- (VO, clears throat) Y-yeah, I certainly did.
Stan- (Sits up) What did you find out?
Pip- (VO) Well 009, we have reason to believe she is Wendy Focking- a known associate of 'Dr. Blow".
Stan- (Worries) Dr. Blow? But we don't know who he is. Hell, ever since Clyde took over Cartman's Empire, we lost track of many of those old villains.
Pip- (VO) We don't know who Dr. Blow is, but we've caught his intermediaries. If she is working with him and he has an interest in the presentation, that presents a threat.
Stan- So we take her out.
Pip- (VO) Are you high?
Stan- (Sighs) I wish.
Pip- (VO) Casa Bonita is a fire free zone, even for us. You take anyone out, you're going to be alone and probably imprisoned.
Stan- So I need to take her out here?
Pip- (VO) That would be best, 009.
(Stan looks at the hook.)
Stan- I'll do it in the morning. Goodnight, P.
Pip- (VO and confused) Wait, what? 009, y-
(Stan snaps the phone off and falls asleep on the balcony floor.)
ShaneMarsh - June 24, 2010 06:49 AM (GMT)
(Casa Bonita, early morning. Outside, many bicycles and kid army vehicles are parked. Guards are patrolling and valets are dealing with the various dignitaries and personnel who are arriving. Stan approaches and flashes his ID.)
Guard- (Southern twang) Ahh, Mr. Marsh. How is the boating business?
Stan- (Putting his ID away) Damn good. Hopefully we'll see what this is all about...I sure don't want this impacting my boating business. My boating business is very important to me.
Guard- (Suspicious) You sure say boating business a lot.
Stan- (Caught) Yeah, I, uhh, I really care about it.
(Stan, head down, moves into the building. He looks around. The building is in the middle of a renovation, a renovation that the kids are using well. The southern, eastern, and western areas are filled with seats, with raised seating for especially important individuals in the connecting corners. In the northern area is the display area, roped off from the rest. The new bike is there. There are a few doors leading into the northern and central areas from the service area. Stan walks over next to the bike and starts inspecting it. The design is unusual. The first seat is lower than the second and far lower than normal. The legs are situated in slings, straightened out alongside the sides of the bike. Near where the back rests are two slingshot looking devices. The second seat is situated far above the first and has the normal pedals. However, there is no handle for either the first or second user of the bike. Instead, the second user's seat has a weapons control device that controls the two miniguns on the front and the anti-bike countermeasures contained in a small basket in the back. On the lap of the first user is another small box with some wires poking out. As Stan looks, he is nudged on the shoulder. He turns and finds a slightly older boy staring back at him.)
Older Boy- Hello there! I see you are checking out our state of the art military attack bike.
Stan- (Turns to him) I was. This is quite the contraption you have here, kid.
Older Boy- (Puts his hand out) My name is Frederick Fountain. (They shake hands as the boy turns to the bike.) The XR-12 Seahawk will revolutionize bike warfare.
Stan- (Skeptical) Seahawk? This'd be the first bike I ever heard of not called Bronco, Buffalo, or Avalanche.
Frederick- (Shrugs) Seattle fan.
Stan- (Laughs) Haha, yeah, Seattle fan, that's a good one. (Wipes one tear from his eye as he turns to the bike) Not sure how this'll revolutionize jack shit.
Frederick- (Beaming) We at Husky Industries noted that the modern children soldier is inundated with information in the modern battlefield. Therefore, we designed a two person combat bike that would give a decisive advantage to it's users. The first user sits near the bottom of the bike and controls turning with his shoulder straps. We have designed his back rest and the seat so he can be comfortable while having complete control of the bike. The second user is in charge of pedaling- over time, the pedaling powers a very tiny generator that allows the bike to move quickly despite the increased weight. The other duty he has is the weapons system. The bike has dual miniguns that allow it to throw paint-balls at high speeds at high volume and anti-bike tacks that can be dropped behind it to disable pursuers. This diffusion of responsibilities allows the bike to move quickly, turn well, and engage foes all with great efficiency.
Stan- (Nodding) I see. Sounds good, but what is that box that'll make the first person the bitch in this relationship?
Frederick- That would be the recharge kit and transmission center. A cell phone can be plugged in and charged while the bike is moving, and it constantly feeds off of wireless signals, meaning that the user of the cell phone will always be connected even if there is some sort of interference. Communication is key on the battlefield, and with that device, communications are secure. There is also a small slot for a pilot's ID card that turns the bike on.
Stan- (Turns away) That does sound interesting. Have you received any interest in it from any active military forces?
Frederick- (Smiles) That, I'm afraid, is something I can't divulge. Now I must go attend to some other duties. I wish you a good day and I hope you enjoy the presentation.
(He bows and leaves.)
Stan- God, what a fag.(Phone rings.) Speaking of. (Answers) P?
Pip- (VO) Cheerio, 009. Did you take the target out?
Stan- (Sighs) Yeah, uhh...no.
Pip- (VO) Why not?
Stan- (One hand in pocket) Listen, I was really tired and- Pip, I'm working my ass off at here, so stop judging me.
Pip- (VO) I wasn't judging you.
Stan- You were, I can tell!
Pip- (VO, sighs) Listen, what do you plan on doing?
Stan- I brought my nerf pistol. I see her, I get close, I take her out, I get out before anyone can do anything. Dangerous, but it is our only option.
Pip- (VO) Your plan is retarded, but I guess that's all we have left. Do you-
(Suddenly, music starts. Stan looks around and sees people being escorted to their seats.)
Stan- Hey, hey, P, I gotta go. The presentation is starting.
(He hangs up and starts moving to his seat.)
(Service area that leads to the exhibit entrance. We see two pilots, dressed all in red and carrying their black helmets. They are playing rock, paper, scissors.)
Both- (Pumping fists as they go) Rock, Paper, Scissors, Go!
(The first pilot throws down rock and the second pilot throws down scissors.)
First Pilot- (Larger boy) Haha! I don't get the bitch seat.
Second Pilot- (Blond boy) Come on dude, two out of three? Besides, you aren't even supposed to be here, that Stotch kid is still missing.
(The first pilot nods as they continue walking down the hallway. They are about to throw down again when Wendy moves out from behind a crook in the wall. The two pilots stop and look as another figure, bigger, appears behind her. She is in a revealing dress- well, for a nine year old.)
Wendy- (Finger to mouth) Shhh. I have a small surprise from your friends at the barracks.
First Pilot- (To the second) I think I've died and gone to heaven!
Wendy- Not yet.
(The camera is placed so we see the right side of Wendy's face and nothing more. A pistol appears, that of the figure, who points it at the two pilots and fires twice, the nerf darts silent and taking them out almost immediately The gun vanishes and we see Wendy smiling.)
(Back outside in the main room, everyone has taken their seats and the lights have dimmed. Stan is sitting on the south side in the second row. Everyone has a pamphlet written about the bike, with illustrations by the second grade class at Oswego Elementary in northern Park County. The spokesman, the boy who Stan had been talking with, step forwards as he is bathed in a searchlight.)
Frederick- Welcome, welcome my gathered dignitaries and weapons manufactures to this Husky Industrial Expo, the debut of the XR-12 Seahawk Assault Bike.
Frederick- My name is Frederick Fountain, and let us run over the features of future of bike warfare.
(In the back, we see Wendy and her accomplice zipping up the pilot suits as the two 'dead' pilots sit knocked out in the dark corner that Wendy had come from originally. Their helmets are on, blacking out their faces.)
Frederick- (VO, through the walls)-Next generation cell phone technology for combat bikes will provide the user nation with near flawless communication. To demonstrate the previously mentioned agility, our pilots-
Wendy- (To figure) Do you have the Stark's Pond Access Card?
(The figure nods.)
Wendy- Good. (Smiles) Let's go.
(Back in the main room, Stan is scanning the room for Wendy. The spokesman is continuing as aides start to take down the ropes around the bike.)
Frederick- (Turns towards the exhibit doors as Wendy and the figure enter) Our pilots, Lt. Huffnpuff and Lt. Bugermeistermeisterburger, will demonstrate the movement and special features of the XR-12.
(Wendy slides into the first seat while the figure takes the second. Stan inspects them and seems to be worried when he sees that the back of Wendy's hair is poking out, if only slightly. Wendy takes out Butters' ID Card and slides it into the slot and the bicycle starts up.)
Frederick- (Turning to the bike) As you can see, our specialist ID card system makes it impossible to steal and use all the features. Only authorized ID cards work.
(Stan starts putting this information together. He starts to slowly reach for his nerf pistol.)
(The figure starts the miniguns up, the barrels start spinning while he starts to pump the pedals while Wendy pulls the straps up, keeping the bike in place as it powers up.)
Frederick- (Confused) As you can see...uhh, Lt. Huffnpuff, I'm not sure why you're-
Stan- (Sees all this go down, pulls out his pistol) GET DOWN!
(Too late. The miniguns open up, sending a lethal stream towards the south side. Frederick is cut down immediately, hit multiple times and spun around as the mic goes into the air, and Stan is forced to the ground by the volume of fire. The person who sat in front of him is slammed back, forcing Stan to roll to avoid being hit, losing his pistol in the process. The rows are soon being cut to pieces by the minigun. Security tries to respond, but the figure whips out a pistol while it controls the bike with one hand. He fires twice at the east side and twice at the west side, each shot hitting a guard and sending the others nearby diving for cover as panic overtakes the room.)
(Finally, Wendy lets go. The bike, charged up by the pedaling, takes off quickly towards the south side exit. The miniguns continue firing as does the figure with his pistol, cutting down multiple security guards and sending dignitaries to the ground in pain. The bike passes and Stan stumbles into the aisle. He catches the bike make a hard right as it passes out of the building, the figure quickly cutting down two more guards with his pistol. Stan sprints out as quickly as he can and looks around- the bike moves out of view and onto a street. A moment later, a stream of screaming kids exits the building as guards try, and fail, to restore order. Stan reaches for his cell phone and brings Pip up on it as he looks ruefully off into the distance.)
Pip- (VO) 009, good to hear from you. Did you take her out?
Stan- (Shifting uncomfortably) Uhh, no.
Pip- (VO) Was there a problem?
Stan- Yeah, uhh, yeah you could say that.
Pip- (VO, sighs) What happened?
Stan- Well, you see, it appears as though she...stole the bike and killed about two dozen people and took off with it.
(Pip is silent.)
Stan- P? Are you there?
Pip- (VO, angry) Yeah, I'm here.You know 009, you really screwed this up.
Stan- I fucked it up good, dude.
Pip- (VO) Return to base for a debrief. We'll have to accept a loss here and wait for another chance to take her out.
Stan- (Nose bridge pinch) I'll be there later today. (Hangs up) Fucking hell, I've gotta stop wasting my time on that crap. I could be eating with my family, but instead I'm being fired at with miniguns by insane kids on uber-bikes and getting my ass ridden by a British asshole for not stopping it. Fuck my life.
ShaneMarsh - June 26, 2010 09:55 AM (GMT)
(Stark's Pond Fortress. The old Cartman flag is no longer flying- the flag of the Clyde government flies proud atop the fort. There are no guards posted outside- the fort is supposed to look unused from the outside. There is only one entrance on the opposite side of the pond. It is a staircase that leads down, the walls packed on both sides with heavy snow. It leads to a large room with two rows of desks, six computers on each desk. In the front of the room, opposite of the entrance, is a blackboard filled with various statistics and maps and one computer that is unused but on. On either side of the room are break rooms, and from each break room a hallway leads to two different barracks, one for males and the other for females. There are twelve kids working, one on each computer. There are three guards who are lazily patrolling about. The wires from the computers and various items in the breaker rooms head into the ground to some unknown destination, though we still marvel at how the fort hasn't melted due to heat.)
(Final computer on the far left of the second table is manned by Ze Mole, who is staring at the computer intently as he chews on a long-dead cigar. Bebe passes him, looking at papers. She takes a look at what he is doing.)
Bebe- Do you have those reports?
Ze Mole- (Focused) Zut up, bitch. I'm zoing zomething far more important.
(Bebe looks a little angry, but looks at his screen. It shows a trace from the fort to Clyde's house and a bar showing 3.5 GB out of 32 GB downloaded.)
Bebe- Why are you hacking Clyde's computer?
Ze Mole- Informazion, Bebe. Informazion, zit iz a powerful weapon.
Bebe- Pssh. What would the French know about powerful weapons?
Ze Mole- (Angry) I bet zou know all about powerful weaponz, zlut.
(Suddenly, the tracer line turns red and a red exclamation point appears on screen.)
Bebe- (Smug) I guess you need more work on hacking.
Ze Mole- (Angry) I zall zhow zou the zkill I have, woman.
(He types in a few commands and the red tracer line is frozen. We see the line collapse towards the fort slowly. A box appears asking for a password.)
Bebe- Why aren't you taking care of this?
Ze Mole- (Smiles) Woman, I zought zou could take a guezz az to the pazzword zince zou are zo zmart.
Bebe- (Annoyed) God, you need to take speech class, kid. (Thinking) Any clues?
Ze Mole- It iz az fragile az your ego. Alzo, if zou own a hand-held one, zou are vain.
(Bebe thinks about it for a few seconds, burrowed frow ablaze with the incendiary thoughts that flowed behind them.)
(The line is getting close the fort. Ze Mole is getting worried.)
Bebe- Oh God, it feels so close...
Ze Mole- (Pissy) Ze hell is wrong wiz zou, woman?!
Bebe- Stop belittling me, asshole!
(Angry and worried, Ze Mole inputs the password which is six characters long. The line stops a few hundred yards away in the heart of town, meaning they can't be tracked to the fort.)
Ze Mole- Ztupid bitch, zou almozt got uz in major trouble!
Bebe- You're the asshole who hacked into our own leader's computer.
Ze Mole- Wouldn't have been an izzue if zou weren't a dolt! (Stands up) I'm going to take a zmoke outzide.
(He leaves the room and starts walking up the stairs. Bebe looks at Annie, who is manning the computer next to Ze Mole. They shake their heads.)
Bebe- He makes me hate the French.
Annie- You needed a reason?
(Outside, Ze Mole leans against the snow fort as he brings out a cheap cigar and closes his eyes. He takes a few puffs before he feels a presence in front of him. He opens his eyes to see the figure that aided Wendy earlier holding a small cigar holder with expensive cigars placed perfectly in front of him.)
Ze Mole- (Dropping his cheap cigar and taking the expensive ones) Don't mind if I zo.
(As he takes the expensive cigars, Wendy and Token appear from the side of the building, Token arriving on his own bike. Wendy has a submachinegun on her back. The figure has a nerf paintball gun and several small cans of gasoline. Token approaches Ze Mole.)
Token- Have you gathered the data?
Ze Mole- (Lighting his cigar) I downloaded it all laz night and have it on my own dizc.
Token- Excellent. (Points to the figure) Stand guard. We'll take care of this.
(The figure nods and stands next to the door, a nerf pistol in hand as he hands the other pistol to Ze Mole who tucks it in his shirt, hidden from view. Wendy, Token, and Ze Mole head down the stairs. Token is the first to enter, and the guards stand at attention. The staff are shocked.)
Guards- (Saluting) A-TEN-HUT!
Token- At ease.
Dougie- (In a lab coat, exiting the break room) General Black, this is a surprise! We weren't expecting you for another two weeks.
Token- (Examining the room) I can tell. This place is a mess. (Turns to Dougie) We are pushing the test fire of Goldenblow up.
Dougie- Oh? When is the new test date?
Token- The date is now. (Approaches the control computer.) Now.
(Dougie hurries over to the computer, bemused and confused. Ze Mole heads over to his computer and ejects a disc, placing it in a small CD case. Dougie and Token produce keys and slide them into the computer.)
Token- Three, two, one, turn.
(They both turn their keys at the same moment while Wendy and Ze Mole approach the front and turn to face the staff.)
Dougie- This is truly exciting! I didn't know the test site at the Jimbo place was ready.
Token- It isn't.
(Before Dougie or anyone else can respond, Token brings out his pistol and fires point blank at Dougie. He turns and fires at a guard, who is hit three times and falls dead. Wendy unleashes hell with her submachinegun, tearing into the staff who try to run in every which way as they scream. Annie presses the alarm button a millisecond before she is hit by a smattering of paintballs and flies back onto the second grouping of desks. Bebe goes to the ground and keeps her eyes closed as those around her fall to the hellish fusillade unleashed by Wendy. Ze Mole has his fingers in his ears and eyes closed as he hugs the wall, smoking his cigar more out of fear than anything else.)
(Finally, the firing ends. Bebe opens her eyes and stares around in horror. Everyone is dead.)
(Clyde HQ. The alarm bells go off and an air commander views the location of the alarm and orders planes to take off. Remote controlled planes take off and head towards the fort.)
(Token goes through a list of locations- he selects the fort and presses enter.)
Token- (Turning around) Get the gasoline.
(Wendy doesn't respond. Token looks at her- she has a very pleased look on her face.)
Token- You know, you're a disturbing girl. Go get your boy-toy and let's burn this place to the ground.
(At that moment, Bebe stands up and tries to sprint to the door. Ze Mole, pistol in hand and in panic, fires at Wendy haphazardly and hits her in the lower back. She collapses to the ground in pain. Ze Mole approaches her, a look of joy, horror, and confusion on his face. Wendy heads up the stairs and a minute later comes back with the gasoline. They start to spread the gasoline around.)
(The fighters are much closer now. At Clyde's house, in the basement, three attendees look on in confusion as the weapon computer goes off, sending out a pulse that makes their teeth chatter.)
(The gasoline is spread. Wendy and Token exit the fort via the stairs. Bebe is on her back, looking up at Ze Mole. He points the gun at her.)
Ze Mole- (Takes the cigar out of his mouth) Ze pazzword waz 'mirror', ztupid bitch.
(He fires twice at point blank range. He stands back and admires his work for a second before he turns to the gasoline and flicks his cigar at it. A moment later, the fire starts to spread. Ze Mole races up the stairs and exits with a sly smile on his face. He sees Wendy checking her cell, the figure as well and Token following.)
Wendy- Cell phone's out.
(The figure nods.)
Token- Mine too. (Smiles) Perfect. It worked. (Nods at Wendy) Go tell the boss.
(She and the figure walk towards the bike and assume their positions while Token and Ze Mole board Token's personal executive two person bicycle. Token and Ze Mole take off. Wendy brings out the bike's cell phone which is connected to the device.)
Wendy- (Nodding) We have service. The bike performed flawlessly. (Dials a number) Anything you wanna tell the boss?
The Figure- (Mumbling, almost discernible) I want what we agreed on.
(A moment later, as Wendy talks on the phone, the bike takes off.)
(The two Clyde fighter jets fly towards the fort. The small infrared cameras that are attached on them are feeding a message back to command, which is in Clyde's bedroom. The air commander is a thin young girl who is looking intensely at the screen showing the images. The images start to become fuzzy.)
Commander- (Shrill voice) Fix those images, boys.
Remote Control Pilot- Ma'am, uhh, they're not responding to all of our commands.
(Indeed, the images are getting fuzzier and erratic as the planes start to dip and dive as they approach the fort.)
Commander- What the hell? Recall those planes!
(The pilots try, but something is wrong.)
(Near the fort, the planes lose complete control. The first one dives like a rock and crashes into the water. The second plane heads up way into the sky before it dies completely and comes crashing down onto the road next to the drop that leads to the pond, shattering.)
(Back at the room, the commander, the pilots, and the staff are all looking at the last recorded images. They are increasingly fuzzy and they finally snap off into static.)
Commander- (Straightening up) Give me a Snapple, some ice cream, and a phone. This is going to be a long night.
Attendant- Strawberry or chocolate?
Commander- (Pissy) Vanilla, you idiot! (Turns back to the image, concerned) And lots of it.
ShaneMarsh - July 1, 2010 08:38 AM (GMT)
(The Marsh Garage. A few monitors have been set up, with nervous looking "intelligence agents"- appropriately, they are all younger and less intelligent than the average schmo- and technicians working around the Marsh family's various items. Pip is standing there, looking very concerned. My name is Pip Pirrup, and this...is acting. Bebe and Butters are fluttering around, doing whatever it is they do. Stan enters from the kitchen entrance door, looking tense.)
Pip- Glad you could find the time to join us, 009.
Stan- (Shaking his head, eyes closed) Oh, shut up already. Between you, Randy, and Shelly, I'm about ready to blow.
Pip- (Sighs) Sorry, 009. It is a tense situation. (Smiles) Blow, that was a good one.
Pip- (Dumbfounded) You know...blow...Dr. Blow...
(Stan gives him a look. Pip responds by nodding at the various monitors as Stan approaches. Stan takes a good, hard look at them. Two monitors show the view from the radio controlled plans from the time they grew fuzzy until they went out. Another shows a comparison of data: Cell phone coverage in town before and after the attack. It shows a dead spot around the destroyed fortress. Intercepted pictures from Clyde's men are on the final monitor showing the fortress having melted down due to a fire and tire tracks that seem familiar.)
Stan- (Taking it all in) How are we getting this?
Pip- Clyde's government is poor. We aren't.
Stan- (Smiling) Money talks.
Pip- Money, yeah, but food is better.
(Bebe hands Pip some documents as she eyes Stan up.)
Bebe- Nice to see you, 009. I trust your trip to Denver was entertaining?
Stan- (Smiles) Of course it was. I was there.
(Pip gives Stan a very disappointed look as he hands Stan some paperwork.)
Pip- This looks like Goldenblow.
Stan- (Sharply) Goldenblow? I thought they discontinued that program.
Pip- We thought that too, old boy. But I don't see what else could literally take out all cell phone coverage in the area, just as that weapon was designed to.
Stan- (Quiet)...Token is in charge of it.
Pip- (Sighs as he starts walking to the side of the garage) Yes, yes, Token is in charge of Clyde's Special Warfare branch.
(Bebe pours two glasses of what appears to be wine. Pip hands Stan a glass.)
Pip- (Looking down) After Token killed a 00 agent, his career grew by leaps and bounds.
Stan- (Looking around with increasingly furious eyes) That damn weapons facility didn't matter at all to Cartman OR to Clyde! Kyle died for nothing, Pip. Nothing.
Pip- (Shaking his head) Kyle died defending what was right, chap. I'm...you know I'm sorry.
Stan- (Bitter) Sorry? I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret.
Pip- (Taken aback) That seems awfully erudite of you, Stan.
Stan- (Shrugs) Good lines.
Pip- (Back in character) Regardless, it would be difficult to believe that Token was able to advance without help considering the relative failure of his mission. He has always been our prime suspect as "Dr. Blow".
Stan- (Putting the papers down) Meaning this attack was either supposed to give him more control or reprisal from within whatever organization he works for some offense.
Pip- (Impressed) I am somewhat surprised that you put that together.
Stan- (Flabbergasted) Who do you think I am, an idiot? I can also tell you that the XR-12 was used in the attack. Only vehicle that could still have communicated after being hit. Wendy, her henchman, and Token are all obviously together.
Pip- Yes. Excellent observation. We can't go to Clyde with this information- Token is a close friend. He is dangerous- he will be the one to have Goldenblow's data files if he did lead the attack on the fortress. He may be using Clyde's resources to further his aims, but there is no doubt he plans to give Goldenblow to whoever he is spying for.
Stan- (Sighs as he does a nosebridgepinch) And we can't go right after him because Clyde may start a war.
Pip- Correct, 009. We need to get to Wendy. She is the key. If we can get evidence that Token is a traitor from her, then we can take Token down. (Gets in close) And Stan, my friend, you need to do this quickly. We have no idea what they're planning and the last thing we need is to be one step behind again.
(He pats a slightly annoyed Stan on the back.)
Pip- (Loud, officious voice) 009, your mission is to track down Wendy and see if she can lead us to Token. (Nods to Butters) I believe B here has some items that may interest you. If you need me, see me in the office.
(With that, he leaves while Bebe leaves. Butters approaches Stan.)
Butters- H-Hello there, 009!
Stan- (Sighs) B.
Butters- You seem d-down, is everything all right?
Stan- I really just want to kill Token like I should have all those weeks ago. Just...I'll be okay. (Nods towards the dark areas of the garage) What do you have?
(Butters almost skips on over. He takes a tarp off of a table, revealing several gadgets. One is a normal looking paintball gun, a pen, and 3-D glasses. He picks up the paintball gun.)
Stan- What's so special about that? Just a paintball gun.
Butters- O-on the outside, it sure does look like it. (Points the gun at Stan) But-
Stan- What the fuck are you doing?!
Butters- C-calm down!
(He pulls the trigger, and the gun comes apart.)
Stan-...How is that going to help me?
Butters- (Nods) You're the special agent. B-but when the gun i-is actually loaded, someone pulls the trigger a-and it explodes! BAM! Lots and l-lots of powder flies everywhere!
Stan- Blinding almost everyone in the room?
Butters- (Nods) Yep!
Stan- You know, with all the work you put into that, you could have built me some badass guns that would my life a lot easier.
Butters- I-I just make what I'm told to m-make, 009. I don't even want to be here.
Stan- Where do you want to be?
Butters- (Excited) Hello Kitty Adventure Island just had an expansion, Pretty Kitty Mainland Makeover! I-I wanna go p-play it.
(Stan just slowly shakes his head in extreme dissapointment. Butters looks around and goes back to showing Stan the wares. He picks up the pen and gives it a look.)
Stan- What does that do?
Butters- (Thinking) I..I think it is just a pen.
(He tucks the pen away, into his breast pocket. He picks up the 3-D glasses and puts them on Stan.)
Butters- Now, by t-themselves, they do nothing.
Stan- I can see that. But hey, they're 3-D glasses. They do nothing anyway.
Butters- But add...add...what w-was the second p- Oh, the pen!
(He brings it out.)
Butters- Click this pen twice. After the s-second click, the pen is armed.
Stan- You created a two-piece explosive? Why the 3-D glasses?
Butters- Well...(Thinking) I...I don't know.
Stan- (Throwing the 3-D glasses in a random direction) Couldn't you just make the pen explode by itself?
Butters- (Thinking, finger on lips) Well, that d-does make more sense...the pen could explode three seconds after the second click.
(He snaps his fingers and two Mexican attendants rush over and take the pen.)
Butters- That j-just leaves your bike, 009!
Stan- (Pale) Please God tell me it isn't Shelly's bike!
Butters- (Laughs) N-No, 009! Of course not! We all know she beat you nearly to death last time. W-We used my bike.
Stan- (Nodding) Nice! I won't get my ass beat when it gets destroyed.
Butters- (Worried) P-please try to take care of my bike, 009. I only have one.
Stan- (Shrugs) Sucks to be you today.
(Butters walks into the dark and brings forth his bike. It has the requisite paintball gun in the front, tack dropper in the back in a basket, pop-proof tires, and a small bag attached to the seat for small items. What is not Pip-standard on the bike is the color, a light shade of pink, almost blinding, and tassels. Pink tassels.)
Stan- (Mouth open) This...is your bike?
Butters- (Proud) It s-sure is! As you can see, we have the standard issue paintball gun on the front which is fired by the right grip-
Stan- It's pink, dude.
Butters- (Continuing) - And the left grip drops the tacks, which will disable your pursuers-
Stan- Dude, your bike is pink.
Butters- (Still unaware) - The tires are now pop proof, up to a certain amount of holes-
Stan- And you have pink tassels.
Butters- (Oblivious) - And the holster next to your seat can carry both your firearms and any other mission important items that would otherwise make you uncomfortable!
Stan- (Shaking his head) The signs are all there, Butters. All there.
Butters- (Confused) W-what? Did you say something, 009?
Stan- (Sighs) No.
Butters- O-okay. (Looks at the garage door) Well 009, I-I don't think there is anything left. Y-you have an important mission and I-I don't want to keep you waiting.
Stan- (As he gets on the bike) Tell me B, what are your thoughts on what is going on?
Butters- W-well 009, I don't get paid to think, I-I just create the gadgets that your life depends on.
Stan- (Prepares to take off) Very reassuring.
(Butters presses the garage door and it starts to open, the sunlight drenching those inside. As if they were trolls, several start to curry before their peers stare them down. This has nothing to do with the plot, I just thought you needed to know. The sunlight hits Stan, who squints as he sets off the bike's bell. It is adorable. Stan is ashamed and facepalms for a moment.)
Butters- W-what's the matter, 009?
Stan- (Shaking his head) Nothing, B. Nothing.
(Stan takes off through the driveway, past the cars, and into the street.)
(Randy, carrying a trash-bag, enters from the kitchen door. As he is halfway through the door, he takes a look around. He has a double take.)
Randy- What the hell is going on in here?