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| djrussell |
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Blind Myth
Group: Admin
Posts: 10,336
Member No.: 174
Joined: 17-February 04
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I was sent what I thought was a pretty funny joke today.. here it is:
| QUOTE | A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that
read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?” The widow said.
"Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"I rang the door bell, didn't I?" |
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| Seriously Unserious |
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24/7 Gamer
Group: Members
Posts: 3,577
Member No.: 1,618
Joined: 24-October 06
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| Nisko |
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Rec Gamer
Group: Members
Posts: 397
Member No.: 1,290
Joined: 2-April 06
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| QUOTE | There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.
Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter." |
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| Nisko |
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Rec Gamer
Group: Members
Posts: 397
Member No.: 1,290
Joined: 2-April 06
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| QUOTE | An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The
Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a
conversation. The american snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk
eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".
The American blew a huge bubble. " We don't. In the states we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants, and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk
on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the
Australian replied, "Of course". Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, "We don't. In the states we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Australia." The Australian then
asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why, of course we do." The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, "and what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?" "We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put
them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to the United States. Why do you think its called Wrigley's?" |
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| Gothic Embrace |
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Registered abUser
Group: Members
Posts: 4,197
Member No.: 1,225
Joined: 30-January 06
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| QUOTE (Nisko @ Apr 14 2007, 11:19 AM) | | QUOTE | There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.
Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter." |
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goodie. my favourite: how many "anarcho"-capitalists does it take to change a light bulb? - none. if the light bulb was in need of changing, the market would've provided one.  and err... uhm... why do anarchists drink horrible tea? 'cuz proper tea is theft!
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| Gothic Embrace |
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Registered abUser
Group: Members
Posts: 4,197
Member No.: 1,225
Joined: 30-January 06
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I like capitalist jokes.
A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?"
"We don't have any coal", he says.
"But why is there no coal?", she wants to know.
"Because I lost my job", he replies.
Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"
To which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".
Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".
Question: How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None, since we don't need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.
Capitalism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are lost.
Student asks his principal, "Where is my teacher?".
"Citywide layoffs", replies the principal.
"My text books?" asks the student.
"State austerity plan", says the principal.
"Student loan?" continues the student.
"Federal budget cuts", says the principal.
Finally, exasperated, student asks, "But how am I going to get an education?".
To which the equally exasperated principal replies, "This is your education".
A capitalist is walking through his factory with a friend.
Friend asks, "What did you tell that man just now?"
"I told him to work faster", answers the capitalist.
"How much do you pay him?" asks the friend.
"Fifteen dollars a day" answers the capitalist.
"Where do you get the money to pay him?" asks the friend.
"I sell products", answers the capitalist.
"Who makes the products?" asks the friend.
"He does", answers the capitalist.
"How many products does he make in a day?" asks the friend.
"Fifty dollars worth", answers the capitalist.
"Then", concludes the friend, "Instead of you paying him, he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster".
"Huh", and the capitalist quickly adds, "Well, I own the machines".
"How did you get the machines?" asks the friend.
"I sold products and bought them", answers the capitalist.
"And who made those products?" asks friend.
To which the capitalist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—"Shut up! He might hear you".
A group of workers enter the boss's office and tell him that they have just taken over the factory. "You can't", says the boss. "I own it"
"And how did you come to own it?" asks one of the workers.
"It was left to me by my father", says the boss.
"How did he get it?" asks the worker.
"He got it from his father", says the boss.
"And he?" asks the worker.
"From his father", says the boss.
"And he?" persists the worker.
"He fought for it", says the capitalist in a burst of familial pride.
"Well", say the workers, all together this time, "We'll fight you for it".
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| Gothic Embrace |
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Registered abUser
Group: Members
Posts: 4,197
Member No.: 1,225
Joined: 30-January 06
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New Rules for the English Language
(Euroenglish)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community(EU) -- rather than German (the other possibility).
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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| djrussell |
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Blind Myth
Group: Admin
Posts: 10,336
Member No.: 174
Joined: 17-February 04
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| QUOTE (Gothic Embrace @ Apr 14 2007, 10:22 PM) | I like capitalist jokes.
A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?"
"We don't have any coal", he says.
"But why is there no coal?", she wants to know.
"Because I lost my job", he replies.
Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"
To which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".
Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".
Question: How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None, since we don't need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.
Capitalism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are lost.
Student asks his principal, "Where is my teacher?".
"Citywide layoffs", replies the principal.
"My text books?" asks the student.
"State austerity plan", says the principal.
"Student loan?" continues the student.
"Federal budget cuts", says the principal.
Finally, exasperated, student asks, "But how am I going to get an education?".
To which the equally exasperated principal replies, "This is your education".
A capitalist is walking through his factory with a friend.
Friend asks, "What did you tell that man just now?"
"I told him to work faster", answers the capitalist.
"How much do you pay him?" asks the friend.
"Fifteen dollars a day" answers the capitalist.
"Where do you get the money to pay him?" asks the friend.
"I sell products", answers the capitalist.
"Who makes the products?" asks the friend.
"He does", answers the capitalist.
"How many products does he make in a day?" asks the friend.
"Fifty dollars worth", answers the capitalist.
"Then", concludes the friend, "Instead of you paying him, he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster".
"Huh", and the capitalist quickly adds, "Well, I own the machines".
"How did you get the machines?" asks the friend.
"I sold products and bought them", answers the capitalist.
"And who made those products?" asks friend.
To which the capitalist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—"Shut up! He might hear you".
A group of workers enter the boss's office and tell him that they have just taken over the factory. "You can't", says the boss. "I own it"
"And how did you come to own it?" asks one of the workers.
"It was left to me by my father", says the boss.
"How did he get it?" asks the worker.
"He got it from his father", says the boss.
"And he?" asks the worker.
"From his father", says the boss.
"And he?" persists the worker.
"He fought for it", says the capitalist in a burst of familial pride.
"Well", say the workers, all together this time, "We'll fight you for it". |
They dont sound like jokes to me - they sound like capitalist-bashing banter..
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No wonder you didnt find what I said funny.. 
