I was sent what I thought was a pretty funny joke today.. here it is:

XD Great one.

guess I'm the only one who didn't laugh.
that Harry Potter thang was funnier.

lol that's a good one.

that HP one didn't hit my funny bone. but this one did. :P

lol Anyone else got a good one they wanna share?

that's funny but I heard it when I was about ten.

I'll try and find some others.

lol I dont usually like American-related jokes, but that one aint bad at all :P

I wouldnt expect you to laugh GE.. in fact, I dont think any of us did.

it was kinda funny but I didn't laugh..

:lol:

:lol: I love it! (Y)

goodie.








my favourite:
how many "anarcho"-capitalists does it take to change a light bulb?
- none. if the light bulb was in need of changing, the market would've provided one. :D

and err... uhm... why do anarchists drink horrible tea? 'cuz proper tea is theft!

:blink: No wonder you didnt find what I said funny..

I like capitalist jokes.

A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?"
"We don't have any coal", he says.
"But why is there no coal?", she wants to know.
"Because I lost my job", he replies.
Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"
To which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".


Boss to employee: "Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".


Question: How many capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None, since we don't need capitalists to screw in light bulbs or any thing else that really needs doing in our society.


Capitalism is a lot like an airplane in which the pilot announces to his passengers that he has two pieces of news to tell them. The good news is that they are traveling at the pre-established speed of 600 miles an hour and all the systems on the plane are functioning perfectly. The bad news is that they are lost.


Student asks his principal, "Where is my teacher?".
"Citywide layoffs", replies the principal.
"My text books?" asks the student.
"State austerity plan", says the principal.
"Student loan?" continues the student.
"Federal budget cuts", says the principal.
Finally, exasperated, student asks, "But how am I going to get an education?".
To which the equally exasperated principal replies, "This is your education".


A capitalist is walking through his factory with a friend.
Friend asks, "What did you tell that man just now?"
"I told him to work faster", answers the capitalist.
"How much do you pay him?" asks the friend.
"Fifteen dollars a day" answers the capitalist.
"Where do you get the money to pay him?" asks the friend.
"I sell products", answers the capitalist.
"Who makes the products?" asks the friend.
"He does", answers the capitalist.
"How many products does he make in a day?" asks the friend.
"Fifty dollars worth", answers the capitalist.
"Then", concludes the friend, "Instead of you paying him, he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster".
"Huh", and the capitalist quickly adds, "Well, I own the machines".
"How did you get the machines?" asks the friend.
"I sold products and bought them", answers the capitalist.
"And who made those products?" asks friend.
To which the capitalist can only respond—to his friend, but also to the media and to the schools—"Shut up! He might hear you".


A group of workers enter the boss's office and tell him that they have just taken over the factory. "You can't", says the boss. "I own it"
"And how did you come to own it?" asks one of the workers.
"It was left to me by my father", says the boss.
"How did he get it?" asks the worker.
"He got it from his father", says the boss.
"And he?" asks the worker.
"From his father", says the boss.
"And he?" persists the worker.
"He fought for it", says the capitalist in a burst of familial pride.
"Well", say the workers, all together this time, "We'll fight you for it".

New Rules for the English Language
(Euroenglish)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community(EU) -- rather than German (the other possibility).

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:

In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf' by 20%.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

ROFL, the capitalist jokes are AWESOME. I've heard the English one before though.

They dont sound like jokes to me - they sound like capitalist-bashing banter..

they are but some of them are still funny

Yup, maybe cause they're true XD

and neither the American joke or the Bush joke were bashing anything?

anyway. I laughed.

You cant tell the difference? :blink:

no. care to explain why bashing Bush or Americans is funnier than bashing capitalism?

Forget it. If you dont understand then Im not gonna waste my time telling you, especially when your not gonna listen anyway.

That's soo funny :D

how many votes does it take to change a light bulb?
none, votes doesn't change anything.

Haha. I thought the English language one was a great joke.

Here's a long one I found on another forum I'm on.

COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

.............................................................................................

THE MANAGEMENT

Subject: Company’s Position on "Streaking"
To: All Employees

The Management Has Adapted The Following:

1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days, Male on even days. On payday, all employees may streak subject to the following:

2. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies such as "sock it to me" or "What you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak. Men with tattoos such as "Let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Junior executives may carry briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies --- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual such as a box of Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and playboy magazines, etc.

4. Girls with busts size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in the shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls with bust sizes smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hairnets. These will be available in the vending machines in the cafeteria.

6. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls or long hair on boys you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hairpins or paper clips, on boys with rubber bands; please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you have finished streaking.

7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations).

8. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak.

9. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

10. When streaking, do not tailgate.

Signed: The Management

............................................................................................................

My Fellow Employees,

It has come to our attention that employees may be taking too much time off from work. As such we have instuted the following policies for all employees to follow.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Signed
The Management

To All Employees:

Due to increased competition and a keen desire to remain in business, we find it necessary to institute a new policy.

Effective immediately, we find we must ask that somewhere between starting time and quitting time and without infringing too much on the time usually devoted to lunch period, coffee breaks, rest period, story telling, ticket selling, golfing, auto racing, sporting events, vacation and the re-hashing of yesterday's T.V. programs, that each employee endeavor to find some time that can be set aside and known as a WORK BREAK.

To some this may seem a radical innovation, but we honestly believe the idea has great possibilities. It can be an aid to steady employment and it might also be a means of assuring regular paychecks.

While the WORK BREAK adoption plan is not compulsory, it is hoped that each employee will find enough time to give the plan a fair trial. It is also hoped that those employees not in favor of adopting the WORK BREAK idea will have fully completed their vacation plans.

The Management

..............................................................................................................

It has been brought to the attention of this office that many employees have been dying while on duty for apparently no good reason. Further, some employees are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which do not fit into our company program.
Ettective immediately-----This practice must be discontinued!

On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without investigation under Regulation No. 20, Section D (non-productive labor).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held by a desk, typewrite", drawing board, telephone or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a 90-day period of grace will be granted.

The following procedure will be strictly adhered to:

If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and origin of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly to avoid waking the employee if he or she, is asleep (which is permitted under the present regime and union contract). If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.

NOTE: In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching action may occur. Do not be misled by this manifestation.

In the event that any employee fails to abandon whatever he is doing when it comes time for coffee break, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has set in.

Signed

The Management

.......................................................................................................................

To: All Company Employee
Subject: Management Parables

Parable Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Parable Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Parable Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


Parable Number 4:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

:lol: :lol: :lol: some funny 1s in here. Some of ge's capitalist jokes were funny and I liked nisco's jokes as well.

Hehe, some Classic stuff in there Theedgerob

Dj - Pretty good one there.

I really don't know any jokes. I'm much better at coming with funny comments here and there.

Here's a good un.

Be warned, national stereotyping ahoy!

Heightened Threat Levels In Europe


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy

:lol:

lol I liked that especially :P

"A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up."

now that's just f***ing brilliant :lol:

:blink: yeah.. i didnt think it was funny, but the moral is pretty much spot on.

TheEdgeRob, Siayres: Those were awesome jokes!

you earn :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: out of :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Q: Why do you put the baby feet first into the blender?

A: So you can look into it's eyes while you are jacking off.

heard it the other day, it's so wrong but I laughed. I'm going to hell!

I don't get it at all. I'm so lame.