Jokes

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota & flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address & without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives & friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor & saw the computer screen which read:

* To: My Loving Wife
* Subject: I've Arrived
* Date: 16 May 2002
* I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now & you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived & have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Well I thought it was funny.

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

Nice One.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year,the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen
donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10.
Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex Drive by
90%
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault.
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Kim,

I didn't think you knew John when he had the Bedsit?

Anyway



Train Journey

man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." "Listen love." he replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.

The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 Pounds for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers."






I'll get my snorkel..........................

Hey, It wasn't that bad. I used to do my laundry when I couldn't see any signs of carpet. There was always the emergency underwear and the 'it fits but only just' pile of clothes to fall back on.