Coldstone's Purgatory part 2, Up from the ashes.

Purgatory part 2 up from the ashes

Last time we left John Stanton was retired delta force cornel working as a equipment operator, He stumbled on a terrorist plot to destroy the ambassador bridge in Detroit.
He was decorated a hero like he was many times while in the service.
But this came at a cost they raped his wife and killed his daughter and sent then brutal act to John in a video phone message, heading to his car he opened the door then a huge explosion,…….

He dreamed of a light and a voice told him to go into it, but instead he turned back and left. The last thing he heard was “if you turn back you will be condemned to priory” he turned his back anyways.

Later he the doctor explains there is some shrapnel in his brain, and will have horrible nightmares because of it.
The next week upon leaving the hospital he is at home falls asleep, has a dream then get the paper and find out he is clairvoyant.

Loads up his F-350 and is heading to Dearborn.......


---------------------------------------------------------------------

(show art of Stanton driving his truck)

*cell phone rings Stanton puts on his Bluetooth*
“Yeah go ahead,”
“Hey John its I got your e-mail request and then deleted it, Did you get the box I put under you seat?”
“Coming up to a red light let me look”
(show art of Stanton getting papers and dessert eagle out of a box”
*Stanton stops at light, pulls box from under the seat and opens the lid*
“this is the best I can do john, your new name is John Martell, The dessert eagle with 2000 rounds are in your diamond plate box,”
Let me ask you John?, why the special grenade rounds and the AA-12 shotgun and the dessert eagle made of tungsten?”
John responds “it’s best you don’t know”

(show art of Stanton putting a cigar in his pocket)
“There is other ways John, this really isn’t the answer it won’t bring them back!
“Tried the other ways Lou, nothing.”
“after this Stanton we should be even?”
*flips up ID card show art*
“John Martell will call you in a few months, right now I‘m going to have smoke with a new friend, I’ll text “Archer” for the next meeting on my new prepay phone, later”
Then Stanton disconnects Bluetooth and puts it in his pocket.


*caption*
Lou Stamatelos was a soldier buddy all the way back to back in dessert storm he was getting interrogated as Stanton first mission in delta force time was running out Lou was almost undead he lost 2 finger already.
Stanton went against orders and saved him. Got a silver cross for killing 16 terrorists and saving Lou Stamatakos, he disobeyed orders, but got luck his father was a High US diplomat for Greece.
Now Lou is a high ranking CIA executive, and John and Lou have been friends for ever but now it was time to cash in the favor.

(show gate industrial complex blast furnace ahead)
*small caption*
Perfect part of town ˝ mile in a industrial complex no cops will pay attention this part borderers Detroit and Dearborn with crime in area this is hidden like a charm.

(show art of Stanton lifting diamond plate getting shotgun vest and shells also AA-12 and sling)
(the show his hunting knife & getting the dessert .50 caliber)

Then leaves the truck in a gutted-out building within the complex.
There is snow on the ground rats scurrying around..he see a light in the distance 2 men In the window on the second story, its about 5:50pm but it gets dark quick in January.

(art for terrorists in window and john pulling out cell phone)

*Stanton caption*
Lets see what this can do?
*Stanton points cell phone laser at building,*
Cell phone female voice “Building ahead 2 story 30,000 square feet 6 heat signatures”
‘’Ok six of them no problem” Stanton puts away the phone and pull swings out AA-12.

Stanton says “their time is up, and now to deliver justice”
He slings his AA-12 around to the front loads his clip in his .50 caliber desert eagle *show art*
He looks in the lower window from the frosted outside glass he see 2 guards to the inside,
*show art*
And caption “there are 2 near the front inside door guarding the upstairs door”
“the other 2 are in the warehouse, and final 2 are upstairs”

Stanton put his silencer on his desert eagle, he know the first 2 must go down quietly”
As the 2 guards talk Stanton waits for the perfect shot.
Then it comes like a cool breeze on a scorching hot summer day relief one of the guards bends over to talk the heads line up *thrweet*
*Show art and caption,, of the window breaking also,, of a 1 bullet head shot taking out 2 guards as slump to the floor.
*show art*



Then Stanton life the lock from the window opens it and enter the room near the door but it had a special lock and if he opens it will take a lot of noise
*show art of Stanton crawling through the window, stanton goes to open the door one huge problem locked with a large reinforced lock*

*caption* “It looks like I never needed to use stealth after seeing this lock, I guess I can make some noise now” he think to himself
He grips brick near the side door and throw it threw a window into the warehouse
* show art*

Then Stanton hears the voices in Arabic loudly “what was that Ali?”
“Sabu and Jamal, what is going on?” he barks into walkie talkie
*show art*

“Habib lets move!” shuffling through the warehouse the 2 terrorist clinch their AK-47’s coming closer they run up the ramp near Stanton off to the side near the secured door.
*show art of them coming and Stanton around corner*

Suddenly Stanton sweeps out of the corner with his AA-12
The alarm of terrorists face as Stanton grits his teeth and pull the trigger
And unloads the AA-12 and rips through the terrorists flesh in a tornado of lead.
*show art and sound “Budda, budda, budda, budda, budda.

As the 2 bodies fall quickly to the barren cement floor as the blood slowly pores out.
Stanton know the door will open now to much noise to ignore
*show art of Stanton looking over his shoulder and the bodies on the floor*

Stanton hears yelling in Arabic from upstairs “Find and kill the trespassers!”
As soon as Stanton hears the door unlock, he propels a grenade round from his AA-12 at the door”
“AIIIIIEEE!” screams the terrorist as the door is ripped in half by the shatters his skull
*show art plus “booom‘ noise*

“One left Stanton says to himself, and need him alive, for now”as he approaches the shattered door leading up stairs
*show art and caption*

From up stairs he hear the terrorist yelling “I will kill all of you infidels”
And starts firing his ak-47 down the stair way. But Stanton stay clear.
*show art*

Stanton thinks terrorist thinks believes the terrorist thinks there are more people attacking him than just stanton alone. he might look outside the upper window. Her grabs a tear gas grenade out of his cargo pants, and goes back outside hugging the side of the building the n chucks it through the ˝ opened window
*show art*

As soon as the tear-gas starts to fill the room, Stanton sweeps back inside around the building and get back inside and slip on his gas mask, then approaches the shattered door.
*show art*
It works like a charm the terrorist starts to fired off his ak-47 outside the window yelling “all you Americans FBI pigs will die” as he is coughing.
*show art*

Then Stanton proceeds with stealth upstairs ,as the terrorist is facing the window, he remembers the face Stanton goes behind him putting him in a sleeper hold until the crazed terrorist passes out and drops his gun.

*show art of the going up the steps and the sleeper hold, and end this page with a fade out to black with Stanton’s gas mask

*next page show art Fuzzy, then a close gas can getting set down and a groggy terrorist in a chair tied up*

Stanton wakes the terrorist up with a punch to the gut,, UUUHH! The terrorist growls.
*show art*
“Fuck you!,, I will not tell you anything!”(in Arabic) really Stanton then grabs his 14 inch knife and shoves into the quad muscle above the knee, “hold that for me Amjad” AAAIIIIEE”
He screams as the knife slices his flesh.
*show art*

Now “I can speak Arabic,but I’ll talk English to you Amjad” In pain he screams “How do now my name pig?” Stanton replies “your sloppy scumbag, you left your paperwork in the desk next to you plenty of info about your cartel”
Then Amjad looks at Stanton “I know you”, he looks up a Stanton “raped your sow wife and cuts your daughter into pieces” laughing at Stanton.
* show art and close up of terrorist laughing*

The Stanton bends down looks the terrorist in the eyes and says “do you believe you will see 72 virgins in heaven Amjad?
Then the terrorists spits on Stanton’s face
“Fuck you pig I liked raping your whore wife!!” then smiles”
*Show art*

Stanton flips over the AA-12 over grabs the barrel and swings it like a baseball bat smashing the teeth out of Amjad, they fall like marbles on a waxed floor, AAIIIIIE!!! (the terrorist screams in pain)
“I’m sorry amjadI couldn’t here you”
*show art*

Amjad spit out ˝ his teeth with a good amount of blood as well “you think your daughter like me gutting her?” from his mouth swirling of blood, Stanton pulls the knife out of amjad’s leg quickly then quickly pulls his bloody lower lip forward, “your getting lippy amjad?” and slices off his lower lip,, “AAAEIII fuck!!”
*show art*
Then Stanton grabs the terrorist teeth off the floor and but them in a small sack.
Raises the AA-12 to the left side of amjad’s jaw
and says
“It looks like no dental records now you scum!”
BLAM!! Stanton blows off his jaw, aarrrrhhhhh!!
*show art*

amjad Shaking in his chair gurgling, as Stanton takes his military dog tags off his neck and put the around amjad’s neck,
“congrats amjad your are now John Stanton, and I am going to be John Martell”
*show art*

Then Stanton grabs the gasoline can and splash amjad in the face with gas and his whole body
*show art*

Stanton slowly grabs his tungsten .50 caliber desert eagle out of his holster inscribe on the barrel it says “Hell hammer”
*show art close-up of gun”

“you know amjad, this is one of the most wicked handguns in the world, at in the darkness you can see a halo around the barrel when fired.”

then Stanton as he is know for the last time, points the gun at gun at amjad’s head.
“I send you to the gates of hell”
He pulls the trigger shatters amjad’s skull!
BLAM!! It ignites the gas into flames, burning his carcass
*show art*

Now he is John Martell *caption*
*show art of Martell walking back to his truck smoking a cigar,, with the warehouse blazing behind him*

NEXT Purgatory part #3

This post has been edited by Coldstone on Feb 14 2011, 03:56 AM

Wow, thats quite an explosive issue!

I do wish to ask, is this a rough copy CS? There are quite a few mechanical and grammatical errors that made me pause and try to figure out what you meant. If this is a rough draft, then the mistakes are cool, if not you may want to run it through Word and tidy it up.

I`m not trying to be over critical, just trying to help out a fellow scribe. =)

yes it's very rough ..

I said I was going to get it out today,,, so I did.
but, I really only 1/2 proof read this.


If you are able to clean it Up,, I won't be offended go for it.

cs, you got your artist. noodles chose purgatory to draw.

here are some samples of his artwork.

http://mickeys-tavern.com/index.php?showtopic=7022&st=0

i'll be setting up a dedicated section in the webcomic development section for you and noodles so you can discuss stuff there.

congrats.

noodles is good but I haven't seen him around lately.

you can pm him directly to discuss the project in the dedicated section, or i can do it for you.

as he works with gaspi, i can probably contact him via gaspi.

Congrats CS!

Hey CS, I got a note saying you`d like someone to do some tidying on your latest issue, so here I am. What I think I`m going to do is copy this to a file, work through it and then send it or post the revised issue here. Is that do-able for you? Editing on the web is a bugger and having this on a Word Doc will make it much easier for me. Let me how you want issue 2 returned to you, pm or posted here, either works for me. =)

*Tip-toes back into thread to grab the first issue* DUH Feral. =)

Hey CS, I got the first issue edited. Now do keep in mind I am no professional editor but I tried to neaten it up for you grammatically. Also, I made some comments as I went along. You`ll see those are in italics with * at each end as you read through. This is how my editor worked through my rough draft and so I followed her technique. If you have any questions about my comments, don`t hesitate to ask and I`ll try to explain things.

*~*~*

This is the synopsis -

John Stanton is the characters name.

* Height, weight, hair and eye color? Any scars or other distinguishing features? Your artist and readers need to know these details.*

He is a retired Delta Force captain with twenty years of service in the military service.

He is forty-two years old, his wife is the same age and his daughter is six years old.

*What is his wife and daughters name?*

John is now an equipment operator. He and his wife and daughter live in Michigan, southwest Detroit area.

One day he sees a suspicious Middle Eastern man sitting in a truck speaking in Arabic saying, "The package is secure." on his Nextel phone. Stanton is outside sitting at a picnic table, out of his front end loader eating his lunch.

*Where does this take place? At a construction site? How does John know what the man is saying? Why is the man suspicious? Just because he is Middle Eastern? Is John fluent in Arabic or is this to be written to show that the man is speaking a foreign language? Explain for the artist and reader. Give the artist details on the Middle Eastern man`s description.*

Then he sees the man open the back of the truck and throw a cell phone in the back of the truck. He hears the message in Arabic

"It’s all set. Ali is at the bridge; bring the truck to check point #2."

* Ali seems rather clichéd for the man`s name, don`t you think?*

Three things they missed that day -

1) Talking out loud in Arabic
2) Throwing a cell phone in the back of the truck
3) John Coldstone being there and being able to speak Arabic, understanding the cell phone was a detonator, and Special Forces training.

* I don`t understand this above part CS. Is this part of the script? Is it a thought bubble from John? Since when is it a crime to speak in Arabic on a public street? Be careful with how you`re generalizing people from the Middle East. You don`t want to offend anyone who may read this.*

Stanton climbs up in his front end loader and is trying to catch the truck but is lagging behind.

Finally at the bridge, the roar of the Big Caterpillar can be heard. The loader moves full steam ahead.

Stanton lowers his bucket and rips through the truck’s cab like a scythe cutting though a field of wheat, decapitating one the terrorists.

Then he sees another guy with a turban and a AK-47 shooting innocent people in cars, that can't get out. Others flee from their vehicles.

The terrorist turns and starts shooting at Stanton and severs a hydraulic line. The loader is bleeding red fluids. Stanton lowers the loaders front end, runs a into the terrorist then raises the buckets and scoops his carcass off the ambassador bridge.
The last terrorist jumps out of the back of the truck while screaming "Death to the infidels!"

The terrorist is shooting innocent civilians with an AK47.

The loader now can't move, it’s stuck and out of fluid.

John slips down the loader stairs and sees a car riddled with bullets and the bloody victims of the terrorist carnage. He opens the trunk and grabs a crowbar.

Then he sneaks around the truck to kill the terrorist. Stanton gets the murdering extremist in a arm lock then shoves the sharp end through the crazed villain`s eye.

The last Terrorist is gone or so John Stanton thinks.

Then the terrorist group sees the video on someone`s cell phone. They make Stanton on the news. He is now a big hero.

Three weeks pass then the terrorists get their revenge.

* Who are these terrorists? Do they have a name? Give the readers and the artist more detail. This group seems very random and needs more fleshing out.*

The terrorist group breaks into his home and rapes his wife. An image is sent on his wife’s cell phone as a message. "Please John help me!" screams his wife as the scumbags stab her.

*Be very careful with this scene CS. Whenever you are dealing with rape it is a touchy subject and can easily turn off female readers if the crime is not treated properly or too casually. Also, consider the ‘Women in Refrigerator’ syndrome carefully. Using a woman`s rape/ death to spur a male hero into action is a very delicate matter and perhaps you should rethink this approach? This feels like a gratituous rape to me.*

When Stanton sees it he gets out of his loader and heads to his truck to go home. He is unaware of the fact that they have already brutally killed his wife & daughter using a butcher knife and meat cleaver.

*Really? A butcher knife and a cleaver? Do you want it to be THAT graphic when a small child is involved?*

He rushes to his truck, opens the truck door and gets blown away. It was a bomb too late. He sees his life flash in front of his eyes……..he must live for his family.
He sees a light at the end of a tunnel but he turns back and hears a voice

"If you leave now, son, you will condemn yourself to purgatory."

* Who is speaking above? God? Lucifer? Someone from John`s past who is dead now? *

He looks ahead then turns back away from the light. He walks to the door in his vision and opens it.

Then he sees a hazy light, it gets more focused. A woman doctor says" I'm Doctor Conner. I never thought to see you recover. I`m happy to see I was wrong."

Stanton replies, "My family!?" as he sits up in the bed.

"I`m very sorry Mr. Stanton, they didn't make it." Doctor Conner says with regret.

"NOOOO!" he grabs his oxygen bottle and throws it through the window. The staff rushes in to calm him down.

Later Dr. Conner explains.

*Explains what? Clarify this for the reader and artist.*

It is now three months later and John finds out he is alive, the bomb threw him from the blast.

The shrapnel from the blast is all gone except one small piece close to his brain.
He has terrible nightmares the doctor says, "You might always have them because of the shrapnel in your brain."

*What doctor tells him this? Was he in a coma for three months? Is that why he just realized he didn`t die? Explain for the reader and the artist*

Bitter, mad, and wanting revenge he calls his delta force leader of operations to find them.

The operations leader says, "Sorry John, it's not an affair where the government can get involved."

After yelling at Steve, the operations leader and finding they won't help him, John decides he must do it himself. He has the connections, guns, money, aliases from his time in delta force but no leads.

Crying, holding a picture of his wife and daughter he falls asleep.

He starts dreaming very hazy…..he sees a street cross section sign Harrison and Michigan Avenue…..then a ‘Welcome to Dearborn’ sign….. And then an address…..then his vision goes inside the house he can't see anyone. All he can see is a cigar smoldering in an ashtray.
Then John sees the hands holding a newspaper headline that reads ‘Man that survived car blast and brutal slaying of family released from hospital."
There is also a green Chevy minivan and a 1991 ford F-250 truck with a diamond plate box truck as he is wheeled out of the hospital. Then he hears the unknown figure say in Arabic "Not a survivor for long."

John wakes up in a cold sweat to think it was a bad dream. He leaves his bed, dresses and pours some coffee. He checks the porch and sees the morning papers headline ‘Man survived car blast and family slaying released from hospital.’
A green Chevy minivan and Ford F-250 pickup truck with a diamond plate box in the picture as he is wheeled out of the hospital.

At first he is shocked and can't believe it.

Then he remembers the other part of the dream.

* This dream sequence is very confusing CS. I had real difficulty following what was happening. Your artist and the reader will need things explained more clearly I think. *

He punches in the intersections and address in his GPS.

* When did he pick up the GPS? *

John Stanton doesn’t understand the how he had the vision yet, but hell-bent on revenge he doesn’t care at the present time.

He loads up his shotgun and his Desert Eagle handgun.
\
John jumps into his new blue full-ton pickup truck, puts in the GPS unit and his Mossberg, loads his Desert Eagle 50 caliber then drives off.

*Didn`t he just load his weapons in the sentence before?*

Purgatory has Just begun

This post has been edited by Feral Female on Oct 10 2011, 03:30 PM

very cool first questions and answers.

1)* Height, weight, hair and eye color? Any scars or other distinguishing features? Your artist and readers need to know these details.*
A)
6 foot 4,,, 240 weight and non brownish hair with a beard and a tattoo of a holy cross with daughters wife initials on all 4 corners of the cross.
prefers flannel shirts and blue jeans.


2) Who are these terrorists? Do they have a name? Give the readers and the artist more detail. This group seems very random and needs more fleshing out.*

A) middle eastern no name, because it is part of the mystery, I will later have allies with good middle eastern people as contacts but for now these guys are unknown terrorist Al-Qaeda would be fine.

3) *What is his wife and daughters name?*
wife Elizabeth & daughters name is Quinn

4) *Be very careful with this scene CS. Whenever you are dealing with rape it is a touchy subject and can easily turn off female readers if the crime is not treated properly or too casually. Also, consider the ‘Women in Refrigerator’ syndrome carefully. Using a woman`s rape/ death to spur a male hero into action is a very delicate matter and perhaps you should rethink this approach? This feels like a gratuitous rape to me.*

A) I think the gruesome death of his horrible but needed, why you ask?
when stanton turn away from the light; the vengeance for his family makes him come back.
there is no hero springing into action, is inability to save his wife and daughter makes him feel guilty, like he is not worthy of heaven.
but the rape art doesn't have to be over the top,, sicko stuff either,
a torn dress, a knife, and horrific stare close up is all we need here.
let the readers figure out the rest.

*Really? A butcher knife and a cleaver? Do you want it to be THAT graphic when a small child is involved?*
A)
once again, we need just a art frame about 3 things again.
1) a close up of a cleaver and a hand pulling it out of a butcher block
2) a scared child in a corner
3) and a shadow looming at the child with a knife
let the readers figure it out.

*Where does this take place? At a construction site? How does John know what the man is saying? Why is the man suspicious? Just because he is Middle Eastern? Is John fluent in Arabic or is this to be written to show that the man is speaking a foreign language? Explain for the artist and reader. Give the artist details on the Middle Eastern man`s description.*

A) south Detroit near dragoon ct,,, and the ambassador bridge pic of loader
http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.co...preview-300.jpg
the middle eastern guy could look like this. in black clothes.
http://www.islamtimes.org/images/docs/000023/n00023631-s.jpg
stanton understands Arabic through delta force operation training


* Who is speaking above? God? Lucifer? Someone from John`s past who is dead now? *
the reader must figure this out, is part of the mystery of who he is.
But yes it's suppose to be St.peter message from God, if he turn away from the light. which will play in later.

*Explains what? Clarify this for the reader and artist.*

A) this scene is when he comes out of coma and is filled with rage and guilt not being able to save his wife and daughter,,, now I have added their names.


I will finish tomorrow feral,, give me time to sleep.
thanks for your help so far,, I like you are brutally honest here.
great work so far.
thanks
























[U]

I hope the questions I asked did help. When someone comes to me and asks for honest critiques and editing, I try to point out things that I, as the reader, had questions or concerns about. We don`t want big holes in our plots or to have our readers too confused. That will turn people off quickly.

Now that you`ve added more details the storyline feels better to me. I understand you`re adding mystery to the tale now, and so some of the comments can be overlooked. I`m still iffy on having the murder of his wife and daughter being so gruesome and would advise you to take out the rape beforehand. As a woman reader anytime I read about a rape it sends up red flags for me because most rapes written by men feel like fodder for the male leads anger. You say there is no hero rushing into action but your protagonist is your hero and he is pushed into action by the violent attack on two females, one a small child. But the final decisions are yours as the writer. I`m just offering my thoughts as gently as I can.

One other thing I would do would be to get your ideas into page and panel form for your artist as you work through doing your editing. You can add a lot of details in your panels when you lay out your plot skeleton. That alone will take out so many of my questions I think.

I know how tough it is to have someone run a fine tooth comb over our work...my manuscript is covered with red editing marks, but as writers we need honest feedback to grow in our craft. If you want me to work through the second chapter just let me know! I`m always available to help my fellow writers!

Hey CS, now that NaNo is over, I`m hoping to get to your second issue. I`ll grab it now and paste it into my files. If real life slows down, I may get to it over the weekend. Thanks for your patience!

Well, finally, huh? Sorry this took so long, CS. I`ve been swamped with all the book hoopla, but I did get your second issue done. I did change a few things, added commas and periods, capitolized names and general neating up mechanically. I am no grammar nazi, though, as my editor can attest to, but it should look neater and be easier to read. Please don`t hesitate to ask questions or change any of the edits I made. This is your work afterall, and I don`t want to change your story or your character`s voice.

Purgatory - Part 2 - Up from the Ashes


Last time we left John Stanton, a retired Delta Force colonel working as an equipment operator, he had stumbled onto a terrorist plot to destroy the Ambassador Bridge in Detroit. He was decorated a hero, like he had been many times while in the service, for his actions against the terrorists. But this came at a cost. They raped his wife and killed his daughter. They then sent the brutal act to John in a video phone message. As he was heading to his car, he opened the door then a huge explosion occurred.

He dreamed of a light. A voice told him to go into it, but instead, he turned back and left. The last thing he heard was, “If you turn back, you will be condemned to Priory.” He turned his back anyway.
Later, the doctor explains there is some shrapnel in his brain, and John will have horrible nightmares because of it. The next week, upon leaving the hospital, he is at home and falls asleep. John has a dream then gets the paper and finds out he is clairvoyant.

John loads up his F-350 and is heading to Dearborn.......

* I changed the openings segue from bold font to italics, which I think works better as an introduction to past events. It`s not as aggressive a font. I also just added some commas and tidied up a few things to help clarify.*

*~*~*
(Show art of Stanton driving his truck)
*Cell phone rings. Stanton puts on his Bluetooth*
“Yeah, go ahead.”
“Hey, John, I got your e-mail request and then deleted it. Did you get the box I put under your seat?”
* Who is calling? Explain to the reader.*
“I`m coming up to a red light, let me look.”
(Show art of Stanton getting papers and Desert Eagle out of a box)
*Stanton stops at light, pulls box from under the seat and opens the lid*
“This is the best I can do, John. Your new name is John Martell. The Desert Eagle, with two thousand rounds, is in your diamond plate box. Let me ask you, John, why the special grenade rounds, and the AA-twelve shotgun, and the Desert Eagle made of tungsten?”
“It’s best you don’t know,” John responds.
(Show art of Stanton putting a cigar in his pocket)
“There are other ways, John. This really isn’t the answer. It won’t bring them back!”
“I tried the other ways, Lou, nothing.”
“After this, Stanton, we should be even?”
*flips up ID card- show art*
“John Martell will call you in a few months. Right now, I‘m going to have smoke with a new friend. I’ll text ‘Archer’ for the next meeting on my new prepay phone, later.”
Stanton disconnects Bluetooth and puts it in his pocket.
*caption*
Lou Stamatelos was a soldier buddy all the way back to back in Desert Storm. He was being interrogated when Stanton`s first mission in Delta Force time was running out. Lou was almost dead when John found him. He lost two fingers already. Stanton went against orders and saved him. John had gotten a silver cross for killing sixteen terrorists and saving Lou Stamatakos. He had disobeyed orders, but had gotten lucky since his father was a high ranking US diplomat for Greece.
* Who`s father is a diplomat? John`s or Lou`s? I`m confused about this.*
Now Lou is a top CIA executive. John and Lou have been friends forever, but now, it was time to cash in the favor.
(Show gate, industrial complex, blast furnace ahead)
*small caption*
Perfect part of town, John thinks. A half mile from town in an industrial complex. No cops will pay attention. This part of the city borderers Detroit and Dearborn with high crime in the area. This is hidden like a charm.

* I added ‘John thinking’ into the above part. If that`s not what you wanted, you can change it but it needs clarification. Is this a caption box or internal monologue? The artist needs to know.*

(Show art of Stanton lifting diamond plate, getting shotgun, vest, shells, also AA-12 and sling. Then show his hunting knife & getting the Desert .50 caliber)
John leaves the truck and enters a gutted-out building within the complex.
There is snow on the ground. Rats scurrying around. He sees a light in the distance. There are two men in the window on the second story. It’s about 5:50pm but it gets dark quickly in January.
(Art for terrorists in window and john pulling out cell phone)
*Stanton caption*
“Let’s see what this can do.”
*Stanton points cell phone laser at building*
On the cell phone a female voice appears. “The building ahead is a two story; thirty thousand square feet. There are six heat signatures.”
* Who is the woman on the phone? Human voice or robotic? How does she fit into the story? Explain.*
‘’Okay, six of them, no problem.” Stanton puts away the phone and swings out an AA-12. “Their time is up, and now to deliver justice.”
*show art*He slings his AA-12 around to the front, loads the clip in his .50 caliber Desert Eagle.
He looks in the lower window. Trough the frosted glass he can see two guards inside.
*show art*
Add caption – “There are two near the front inside door, guarding the upstairs door.”
“The other two are in the warehouse, and final 2 are upstairs.”
* Who is speaking the above two lines? John or the mysterious female on the phone? Clarify.*
Stanton put his silencer on his Desert Eagle. He knows the first two must go down quietly.
As the two guards talk, Stanton waits for the perfect shot.
Then it comes like a cool breeze on a scorching hot summer day. Relief. One of the guards bends over to talk .Their heads line up *thrweet*
*Show art and caption of the window breaking, also, of a bullet head shot taking out two guards. The guards slump to the floor.
*show art*



Then Stanton picks the lock on the window and opens it. He enters the room near the door but it had a special lock and if he opens it will take a lot of noise
*Show art of Stanton crawling through the window. Stanton goes to open the door one - huge problem - locked with a large reinforced lock*
*caption* “It looks like I never needed to use stealth after seeing this lock, I guess I can make some noise now.” he think to himself
He grips brick near the side door and throws it through a window into the warehouse.
* show art*
Then Stanton hears Arabic voices. “What was that, Ali?”
“Sabu and Jamal, what is going on?” Someone barks into walkie-talkie.
*show art*
“Habib lets move!”
Shuffling through the warehouse the two terrorists clinch their AK-47’s. Coming closer they run up the ramp near Stanton who is off to the side near the secured door.
*show art of them coming and Stanton around corner*
Suddenly Stanton sweeps out of the corner with his AA-12.
The terrorists face show alarm as Stanton grits his teeth and pulls the trigger.
John unloads the AA-12. Bullets rip through the terrorist`s flesh in a tornado of lead.
*show art and sound “Budda, budda, budda, budda, budda.

As the two bodies fall quickly to the barren cement floor, the blood slowly pores out.
Stanton knows the door will open now, too much noise to ignore.
*show art of Stanton looking over his shoulder and the bodies on the floor*

Stanton hears yelling in Arabic from upstairs “Find and kill the trespassers!”
As soon as Stanton hears the door unlock, he propels a grenade round from his AA-12 at the door.
“AIIIIIEEE!” screams the terrorist as the door is ripped in half by the grenade. The explosion shatters his skull.
*show art plus “booom‘ noise*
“One left,” Stanton says to himself, “And I need him alive….for now,”John mutters as he approaches the shattered door leading up stairs.
*show art and caption*
From upstairs he hears the terrorist yelling, “I will kill all of you infidels!” The terrorist starts firing his ak-47 down the stairway, but Stanton stays clear.
*show art*
Stanton thinks the terrorist believes there are more people attacking him than just Stanton alone. He might look outside the upper window. He grabs a tear gas grenade out of his cargo pants, and goes back outside, hugging the side of the building. He then chucks the gas grenade through the half-opened window.
*show art*
As soon as the tear-gas starts to fill the room, Stanton sweeps around the building and gets back inside. John slips on his gas mask and then approaches the shattered door.
*show art*
It works like a charm. The terrorist starts to fire off his ak-47 outside the window yelling, “All you Americans FBI pigs will die!” as he is coughing.
*show art*
Then Stanton proceeds with stealth upstairs as the terrorist is facing the window. He remembers the face. Stanton goes behind him, putting him in a sleeper hold until the crazed terrorist passes out and drops his gun.
*Show art of the going up the steps and the sleeper hold. End this page with a fade out to black with Stanton’s gas mask
*Next page show art fuzzy, then a close gas can getting set down and a groggy terrorist in a chair tied up*

Stanton wakes the terrorist up with a punch to the gut. “UUUHH!” the terrorist growls.
*show art*
“Fuck you! I will not tell you anything!”(in Arabic) Stanton then grabs his fourteen-inch knife and shoves into the quad muscle above the knee, “Hold that for me Amjad.”
“AAAIIIIEE!” the terrorist screams as the knife slices his flesh.
*show art*
“I can speak Arabic, but, I’ll talk English to you Amjad,” John growls.
In pain the terrorist shouts, “How do now my name, pig?”
Stanton replies, “You`re a sloppy scumbag. You left your paperwork in the desk next to you. Plenty of info about your cartel.”
Then Amjad looks at Stanton “I know you, “he looks up a Stanton “I raped your sow wife and cuts your daughter into pieces.” Amjad gloats at Stanton.
* show art and close up of terrorist laughing*
Stanton bends down and looks the terrorist in the eye. He says, “Do you believe you will see seventy-two virgins in heaven, Amjad?”
Then the terrorists spits in Stanton’s face.
“Fuck you pig! I liked raping your whore wife!!” Amjad sneers.
*Show art*
Stanton flips over the AA-12 over, grabs the barrel and swings it like a baseball bat smashing the teeth out of Amjad`s face. They fall like marbles on a waxed floor.
“AAIIIIIE!!! “(the terrorist screams in pain)
“I’m sorry, Amjad. I couldn’t hear you”
*show art*
Amjad spit out half of his teeth with a good amount of blood as well. “You think your daughter like me gutting her?” he asks, his mouth swirling blood.
Stanton pulls the knife out of Amjad’s leg quickly then quickly pulls his bloody lower lip forward. “You’re getting lippy, Amjad?” John comments then slices off Amjad`s lower lip.
“AAAEIII……. fuck!!”
*show art*Then Stanton gathers up the teeth from the floor and places them in a small sack.
John raises the AA-12 to the left side of Amjad’s jaw and says, “It looks like no dental records now you scum!”
BLAM!! Stanton blows off his jaw.
“Aarrrrhhhhh!!
*show art*
Amjad is bound in his chair gurgling, as Stanton takes his military dog tags off his neck and puts the around Amjad’s neck,
“Congrats, Amjad, you`re now John Stanton and I am going to be John Martell.”
*show art*
Stanton grabs the gasoline can and splashes Amjad in the face with gas then douses his whole body with fuel.
*show art*
Stanton slowly grabs his tungsten .50 caliber Desert Eagle out of his holster. Inscribed on the barrel it says “Hell hammer”
*show art close-up of gun”
“You know, Amjad, this is one of the wicked handguns in the world. In the darkness you can see a halo around the barrel when fired.”
Then Stanton, as he is known, for the last time, points the gun at gun at Amjad’s head.
“I send you to the gates of hell.”
He pulls the trigger. The round shatters Amjad’s skull.
BLAM!! It ignites the gas into flames, burning his carcass.
*show art*
Now he is John Martell *caption*
*Show art of Martell walking back to his truck smoking a cigar, with the warehouse blazing behind him.*

NEXT Purgatory part #3

This post has been edited by Feral Female on Jan 20 2012, 06:51 AM

Ugh! I see that when I copied it the double-spacing is now all crammed together. *Sighs* Sorry about that!