Teaser


It had to happen eventually.


What happens when Wade Wilson and Mattias Nilsson both show up at the same place with the same contract? We can only begin to imagine but there could be some explosions involved with a few ribald comments as well.


Coming soon so get your flack jackets on Tavernite`s.



DISCLAIMER


This story WILL contain violence, profanity and sexual situations. I mean, this is Deadpool we`re alking about right? So if you`re offended by such things don`t read it when it hits this thread.

Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue # 1


*~~~~~*

PMC HQ

Northwestern Marida, Venezuela


“No.”
“Oh for the love a` Christ its only a case of Dewars I'm askin` be added to the shipment!” Ewan argues shoving his aviator glasses up over his brown hair.”Its not like the price a shippin` will climb since they'll be sendin` the new fuselage anyway” he states as the two men stand on the heli-pad inspecting the damaged chopper.”I asked Fiona but the lusty lass wasn't in a givin` mood.”

“Pulled a gun on you again?” Mattias asks crossing heavily tattooed arms over a black sleeveless leather vest.
“Aye” Ewan chuckles lewdly driving an elbow into the side of the mohawk wearing Swede.”I'm thinkin` she's substitutin` that gun for...”he grabs his crotch
“So she pulled the Glock 18 ey?”Nilsson inquires with the smallest trace of a smirk lifting one corner of his mouth.
“Sure, lash out at me manhood” Devlin mutters at the barb about gun size.”So the Dewer`s?”

“No. The fuselage is a necessity, the Dewer`s....”
“Is as well boss! How else will I get a piece if I can't get the local lovelies hammered first?”the Irishman asks as a lush wind moves through the impressive palm trees surrounding the mansion they now call home base. Compliments of one now dead Ramone Salano. No one lived long after double-crossing Nilsson.

“You know what the Vikings say. Never pay to get another man laid.”
“Frugal Norse prick” Ewan mutters his brogue rolling his R`s a bit stronger now. The pilot strides away from the lost battle with the towering Swede to return to work on the bullet riddled Mil Mi-8 'borrowed' from Universal Petroleum.

Mattias turns his head as his comp tech comes jogging across the compound with a look of aggravation on her pretty face.
“I've been trying to reach you. Where's your com-link?” Fiona inquires planting her dainty boots firmly beside Nilsson.
“Hello lovey!” Ewan calls from inside the Mi-8.”Come to watch how dexterous me fingers are?”

The Aussie ignores the pilot completely.”Well?” she asks pinning the hulking man beside her with cool blue eyes.
“In my room” Nilsson informs the young woman as she battles to keep the South American winds from ripping the communique the red-head brought with her from her hand.

“THAT helps me reach you. I thought you might like to check this out. Seems someone is very interested in hiring you.”
“Yeah? HOW interested?” Mattias queries taking the slip of paper from Miss Taylor. Ice blue eyes skim the many zeros after the seven.”Thats interested. Did you run a background?” he asks her as she takes the paper back.

“Do you have to ask?”Fiona shoots back getting a grunt from the Norseman.”Hector Vasero. Head of security at Vaxon, a rather large and well known pharmaceutical company based in Pasto Columbia. Apparently they've been having some trouble getting their base products in and are looking for someone to 'eliminate' the insurgents who keep stalling their production.”

“Base products” Nilsson mutters stroking one of two small braids that run from his blond goatee.”What kind of 'base products'?”
Fiona shrugs but her sharp eyes tell him she has suspicions.”If you're interested he's agreed to meet with you at your earliest convenience in his villa in Mitu. Just let me know so I can get back to him.”
“Whats our piggy bank look like?” Nilsson asks mulling still as he works his thin braided facial hair.
“After the fuselage, re-stocking of ammo and the purchase of the Hummer someone HAD to have??”

“Whats that?” Devlin sticks his grease smeared face into the open chopper door,”Did ya say something about a hummer lass?”
“Wank. Off.” Fiona snaps wishing she had her gun. A gentle throat clearing tugs her gaze back to her employer.”About enough to buy food” she finishes.
“Screw the food! Get the scotch whiskey!”

“Skit. I'll talk to him. Columbia is not far, I'll gear up and take the bike” the mercenary informs the two on his payroll.
“And the com-link?”Fiona asks crossing her thin arms over her chest. Nilsson nods and leaves, long legs carrying him between two huge cement urns overflowing with tropical flowers.
“No Dewers” the swede calls over his brawny shoulder making a wide smile pass over Fiona's face while ripe Irish cusses roll from the interior of the Mi-8.


*~~~~~*


Manhattan, New York


KWON Apartments


“Who's that girl? Now who's that girl?!” Wade croons settled back into a large claw-footed tub, rich perfumed mounds of bubbles and assorted bath toys linger around him. He hums merrily scrubbing his muscular thick thigh and calf with a new pink poofy shower scrubber.”What? A merc can't pamper himself?” he asks off to the side, his bald head cradled between the two massive inflatable boobs of his bath pillow.

As he relaxes in the tubby the sound of his phone jerks his brown eyes open angrily.”I swear if this is about that overdue payment on those Norwegian porn flicks..” he grumbles reaching past the thick short candles to paw with a foamy hand for his cell. “N`ello.<Sigh> Frick, holdo el minute-oh” he mutters rising and stepping from the tub. A moment passes as we hear a muffled 'Fuck!' followed by a screeching 'REOW!' then we see the mercenary step back into the tub and settle his bum all comfy like.”Ahem. Yes this is Deadpool” he continues now wearing his mask.”I prefer well compensated establishment provocateur. Feral never forgets a thing where I`m concerned.”

“I see. You do realize my services don't come cheaply? Why? Sir I take umbrage at that remark!” Wade glares at the cell while tweaking a rubber nipple beside his ear.”Why! Why!! Why?? Oh! Because I'm the best there is at what I, no thats not it. Shit. Uhm, with great power comes, nope. Aha!! Because I'm the bees knees when it comes to contracts! I also do a mean bossa nova but thats neither here nor, pardon? No theres no history of mental illness in my family. Unless you count Uncle Stewart and his penchant for crotchless panties. No Sir theres nothing wrong with that at all and I will admit the sheep looked damned hot in, what?” another tweak of a pink rubber nipple.

“Well how much money are you waving in front of, that is a lot of zeros after the seven. But I must ask who the flim-flam are you and how did you know about the sheep?!! A referral?! Well that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Was it Tasky? He always did admire the cut of my glib. Never heard of him?? Well he is a loser. Its not glib? Are you sure? I am not leading the conversation astray, you are! Now get to the money! Oh yeah!<Snort> my bad!” a nip at the rubber nipple with white teeth.

“Columbia? Nope never heard of it. I think I attended a fine arts academy on the corner of Fresno and Columbia while I was living in San Franci, you know schleblee these interruptions are beginning to piss me off! Thats okay, I know some people find it hard to concentrate knowing I'm stroking my meat while we, you didn't know? Sure, go vomit. Pussy. Better? Okay listen spunky heres what I'll do, since that was SO many zeros I'll take the hit. <Sigh> Fine, the contract. Sure, I can deal with your represenative. My banking numbers? 8675309. You got it? You got it?!<Snort> Hello? Hello?? Shit full Stark tech phone!”

After choking and drowning the sleek ebony cell Wilson reaches over the side of the tub with his soapy big toe and flips the laptop up.
“Weasel. Come in Weasel. This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the starship U.S.S. Intercourse. Our five year mission to seek out and scrog new alien chicks. To boldly....”

Hammers face appears on the monitor of the Dell that rests on a empty grenade case/bath table.”Wade.”
“Weasel.”
“What do you want Wade?”Weasel inquires looking half asleep with his hair at ends and his glasses hanging from one ear.

“I need you to book me a flight to Columbia. And finish up the upgrades on my guns. And learn to bossa nova” Wilson instructs his arms supplier/sidekick/tech man.
“Columbia? South Carolina?” Hammer asks somewhat befuddled but already tugging another keyboard over to link up to the major airlines websites.

“No! Not South Carolina! Theres a Columbia in South Carolina? Who knew?!”a loving nuzzle to a rubber hooter.
“Uhm the people who LIVE in Columbia South Carolina?” Weasel answers getting a dark frown from the huge mercenary covered with lilac bubbles.”So you have a job in South America?” Weasel asks as the sound of keys tapping filter into Wilson's bathroom.
“That I do! And theres LOTS of zeros on this paycheck Weas!”

“Uh-huh” Hammer mutters,”Like the last one? I think my monetary compensation for all the tech you destroyed was a rubber beach ball and a cold turkey leg. Who do I send the invoices too?” dark eyes lift to stare at Wade.
“Sorry” Wilson comments tugging his face out from the rubber cleavage.“Some Vasero dude at Vaxon down there in Columbia. You know, South America?!”
“Yeah, I've heard of it” Hammer comments dryly as his glasses slip down his nose some. “Vaxon as in Vaxon Pharmaceuticals? They're like the largest pharmaceutical company period.”

“You have your period? That explains your bloated appearance. Bwa-ha-ha! Oh I crack myself up at others expense ALL the time! Phew” Wade flicks a tear away.”They need someone with massive skills to wipe out some local yokels who are gumming up their something or another coming in. So get me the first flight to Pasto Columbia. I have to go. Black Widow and I have some unfinished business” Deadpool uses the toe trick to kick the Dell to the floor then crams the rubber boob pillow below the bath water.”Oh Widow, you minx! Ahhhhhh!!” he groans as his rubber duckie and a headless Barbie float over the side of the tub.

*~~~~~*

3 Days Later

San Juan de Pasto, Columbia


Deadpool counts to thirty letting his masked eyes rove up the steep mountain side that was beginning to climb up the side of the Galeras volcano. After blinking at the sweat running into his eyes he turns his head back to glare at the burro standing alongside the damp dirt road as he digs his cell from a pouch on his belt.

“Hello Triple A? I need my ass towed. You think this is funny?!” he bellows into the Blackberry as the small pack animal wiggles its ears to shuck the scores of flies away as it favors its left front leg. “So when you're done amusing yourself at my expense, which for the record I find NOT as amusing as MY laughter at others expense, hello? Hello? Oh okay you're just gasping for breath. Fine. I can see some humor in the fact that my ass is lame but let me inquire can you see the humor in this?!” and he pitches the phone into the air and riddles it with bullets.”Who's laughing now?!”

The burro stares at the man with blank brown eyes.
“<Sigh> I should just shoot you you know” he grumbles at the small beast as he begins to unburden the animal of his gear.”And you can rest assured oh noble steed of the jungle that when I get home Hammer will pay DEARLY for this! No, nothing against asses but you are FAR from the sturdy all-terrain vehicle I was picturing economy priced though you may be” Wilson platters on then lifts his head at the sound of a lone engine approaching. His mask eyes grow wide as the camouflaged jeep rips past him and his lame ass.

“No fucking WAY!!” Wilson and Nilsson both utter simultaneously as Mattias stomps the brakes and spins the jeep around in the road. The Swede and motor mouth merc face each other in the simmering jungle for a quiet second, the burro looking from the blond hulk to the spandex wearing one then all hell breaks loose as both men whip out their guns and open fire.

Interesting, Feral! You weren't kidding about the language and such- will be fun to see how raunchy, violent, etc this gets!

Nope I wasn`t kiddin` Ducks! I`ll bet with those two fella`s things will get pretty wild!

Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue #2


*~~~~~*


Mattias breaks from the jeep, leaping out the open door as the vehicle is being ripped into shreds from hundreds of rounds from the arsle (asshole) Deadpool`s heavy handguns. The swede shouts loudly as a stray bullet slams into his right ass cheek.

“Ha!! I shot you in the ass you wooden shoe wearing pain in my sphincter!” Pool brays then turns to spy the burro hiding behind a thick stand of palm trees.”Oh sure, hide your own ass” Wilson groans stopping to look down at his body.”Damn he missed! You suck burro peter! You missed me tulip...” Wade freezes as a grenade bounces in front of him then detonates blowing him back into the trees and making him drop the little sign that read 'Eep!' he had been holding.

Nilsson drops back behind his camouflaged jeep with a grimace, “I am SO fucking sick of being shot in my ass!” he growls tugging the pin from yet another grenade and lobbing it over his shoulder. He spits the pin to the road then yells out “And for the record Wilson you donkey pumper they wear wooden shoes in the Netherlands. Social retard” Nilsson growls as the back of his jeans darken with blood.

“Boss, whats going on?!” Fiona's worried voice blares into the Swede's left ear as he leans his leather covered back to the left front quarter panel while fumbling about to hold his handkerchief to his right buttock.
“Ran into a little competition” Mattias grinds out letting the silence of the jungle fall over him after the second explosion.
“Competition? Who?”

“Wade Wilson” Nilsson states pushing up painfully to stand and survey the immediate area. Must have blown the jabbering idiot to pieces he thinks seeing nothing but a wide-eyed burro standing behind a clump of trees chewing on an Oreo 100 calorie pack wrapper.. A wry smile tugs the Norseman's lips when he spies Wilson's gear all neatly piled alongside the road.”The problem has been eliminated” Mattias relays back limping over with caution to the enormous stockpile of very pricey weapons.”Nice” the swede utters, dropping down to one knee with a vile curse to tug open a box of grenades, all painted with Wilson's asinine red and black face Mattias notes.

“Do you need an evac? Why is HE there?”
“Good question” Mattias replies running a lovers hand over a shiny new rocket propelled grenade launcher, RPG-7V if he's not mistaken. The Russians sure do make some fine, his mohawked head jerks from the RPG launcher when Wilson lands behind him and clobbers him across the back of the head with a frying pan. Mattias falls to his face then rolls to his back trying to get his ice blue eyes to focus, because he surely must be seeing things. Deadpool stands over him, iron skillet in one hand, cleaver in the other with a white chefs hat upon his smoldering masked head.

“Inga-dinga-ding, oh inga-dinga-doo! Inga-dinga-dingely-doo, bork, bork, bork!”Wade sings swiping down with the cleaver. Nilsson rolls to the left, the cleaver driving into the dirt road as the Swede's temper rockets at the slam. Fucking stupid Muppet's Mattias thinks kicking up to catch Pool in the stomach.
“Was that the Swedish Chef?”

“Drop it!” Nilsson snaps into his link rolling to the right to avoid the large cast iron skillet whipping at his head.
“Da pinga ponga bull<Ooff!>” another shot from heavy boots to the sternum flings Wade to his rear beside his gear.
“Do-you-need-evac!!??”

“No!” Mattias huffs fumbling with his vest in search of his handgun. His head was throbbing, his ass was bleeding and this fan arsle (damn asshole) was pissing him off royally!”I'll kill this bastard or die try, SKIT! (shit)” Nilsson scrabbles to his feet and runs, as fast as a dizzy Swede with a bullet in his cheek can run as Deadpool hefts the RPG-7V to his shoulder.

“Happy Leif Erikkson day!” Wade growls following the Swede as he dives behind the jeep, then the heat grenade flies from the launcher slamming into the jeep. The vehicle blows up with such heat and force the burro stops chewing his wrapper to watch Wilson be flung backwards a good fifteen feet and land on his back, the launcher dropping down to land on his shins.”Owie.”

Wade gets to his red boots and dusts his pert rear off watching the camouflaged jeep burn.”Get you some of that holey cheese man! Oh I know its not nice to poke ethnic slurs at people, but this guy has beaten me out of more jobs than Dick Cheney`s had heart attacks. Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did! What are you looking at Sammy?” Wilson inquires of the burro who burps after his wrapper snack.”Sheesh, this guys harder to kill than toe fungus. So Nelson do you like your ride which is toe-tally pimped may I say. Although you may need some work on the interior. Maybe some Armor-All and a wet cloth would buff out the singe marks? Think?”

Wade leaps to the right tugging his katana`s from their scabbards while Nilsson rises from behind a wall of rocks he skidded behind, his assault rifle slung around from his back held in deadly capable hands.
“Thats Nilsson you flaming jackass.”

“Meh, you say Nilsson I say Nelson. Semantics. <Snort> She typed seman! Bwa-Ha! Ahhh thats rich. So here we are Nelson, you and me. Mano on sorta mano. American-oh on Swedenish-oh. Clash of the Titans minus that stupid fuckin` robotic owl and the ever yummy Harry Hamlin in a toga” Deadpool informs the man holding a fully loaded AK-47.

“Did you ever stop to wonder why we're both in this miserable shit hole of a jungle?” Mattias inquires stepping on the com-link that flew from his ear on impact with the hard road.

“Oh you scamp you, I don't have to wonder. I know why! That damn William Shatner and his suck-worthy Priceline negotiations! He didn't get me that burro any cheaper than you got yours for your sister's last date! Zowie! Oh man I am really on fire here today! Seriously I haven't ripped a fellow mercenary, and I use that term loosely for you, since the last time Taskmaster and I crossed verbal swords. I won of course AND invented peanut porn. Oh yes, the honey roasted almonds were SLAMMING them pecans! Who`s your daddy?! Talk to me bitch!”

The blond stands stock still watching Wilson slapping an imaginary womans ass over and over while gyrating his pelvis back and forth.”You're a lunatic.”

“And you've got fucking braids in your face hair!”
“At least I have face hair.”
“Oh boo and hoo. I think I just might bweak down and cwy after I slice your doofelsnorken filled gut from that stupid tattooed six-pack of yours!” Pool snarls back as a small secondary explosion makes the burro's left ear twitch.

“Wilson, just shut up and think!” Mattias shouts wondering how much blood a man can lose from his ass before he gets woozy because he was feeling odd. That could be the iron skillet to the back of his skull doing that also he concedes.”Now we are both here for the same job yes?”

“Maybe. Maybe I'm here to sample the volcanic nightlife while getting head from a local woman wearing naught but a palm frond and a rubber bracelet calling for wrist safety awareness! Ever think of that Nelson?” Wilson asks pointing one lethal blade at the Swede.

“No, thankfully I didn't” Mattias answers praying THAT vision won't linger in his mind.”Hired by Vaxon Pharmaceuticals? By the head of security, one Hector Vasero?”
Wilson says nothing for a change just continues to hold his katanas and stare at the well bruised and bloodied fellow mercenary.

“Why do you think Vasero hired both of us?” Mattias asks stepping very cautiously around the burning hulk of his jeep.
“Uhm maybe because you suck and I don't and he needed someone who he knew would get the job done WHILE making fabulous love to EVERY woman who crosses his path!? Yea, even the skinny ones and the fat ones! I turn NO snatch down! Sorry, did I digress?”

Nilsson squeezes his clear blue eyes closed tightly for a second praying the pain of this mans incessant prattle would ease. It doesn't. “As I see it we can handle this two ways” Nilsson fords on,”One we can continue to try to kill each other, which would bring me much satisfaction” Wade makes a face behind his mask as a macaw cries out far East of their little war zone.

“You can't kill me, I'm immortal and well hung.”
“OR, we can work together, bring down the insurgents then head back to get our money and some damn answers. Either way I am not leaving this country without getting paid” Mattias informs Wilson flatly. Wade studies the man for a minute, or six. his mask pulled into a thoughtful expression. Nilsson sighs deeply as his pants begin to dry to his wounded ass and the burro flicks its ears and tail.

“I have two conditions Inga. One is that at some point in the story as you sleep I get to weave bright and gay colored beads into those two little tweet braids. And two is that if we encounter any hot jungle babes I, me, Wade Wilson, gets first crack at getting laid! Its been so damn long I can't recall the last poontang I saw! I can remember the last I imagined though! It was on the ride up here on the back of that burro and I was thinking about goat cheese, Felicia Hardy and vibrating toilet seats” Wilson shudders all over.

“No to both counts. So deal?” Mattias queries keeping the AK leveled at Wilson's torn and slightly burnt chest.
“You drive a hard bargain. Do I get to keep the burro?”
“Yes. It will carry your weapons.”

“It can't, its lame remember? And why are we using MY weapons?!” Wade demands keeping sharp brown eyes on his rival as Mattias strides over, bends to one knee with a hissing curse and tugs a small rock out from the burros foot.
“Because you blew all mine up. Your ass is fixed. Get him loaded and lets go.”

With that the Swede turns neatly and begins to walk up the road. Deadpool looks at the burro, the burro looks back at Deadpool.”I'll get you loaded but I'm NOT sleeping with you” Wade comments shoving his swords back into their scabbards as he pads over to his gear.”Okay, okay. Don't have to give me THAT look! I'll sleep with you but we'll both feel cheap in the morning.”

What the?! Has Wade gone off his rocker?! No, wait- don't answer that. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOL funny!! "Your ass is fixed....." And the Swedish Chef? OMFG that was good! You've got a winner here, gal!

I thankee Ducks. Teaming those two up was something I really just couldn`t NOT do!

Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue #3


*~~~~~*

Ten minutes later

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town!! Take it Sammy!!” Wade shouts over his muscular shoulder as he drags his ass up the steamy, insect rich and monumentally steep volcanic path.
“Yee-hawww!”

Nilsson feels the muscles in the back of his neck begin to tighten in slight aggravation. A firm slap to his sweaty bare bicep to splatter a well engorged mosquito over a well inked ball of muscle then he turns his head slightly to speak to Deadpool and his back-up singer.
“Stop singing that song” Mattias says with dire warning deep in his voice. Wilson looks at the burro, the burro looks at Wilson.
“Must be all that snorfelgagger has him constipated” Pool whispers to the burro who winks a soulful brown eye in agreement.


Ten minutes later

“You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. Dancing queen, feel the heat of her lips upon my penis. You can..........”
“Yee-haww!”

“<Snort> True enough my long eared John Oates, many HAVE said I am indeed hung like a horse. If I'm not mistooken it was Doreen Green when she was inspecting my nuts! Bwa-ha! Ahhhh, see Sammy she's Squirrel Girl and she stores nuts in her cheeks! Seriously I couldn't make this shit up! I know!! Its too damn funny and in hindsight, Hmmmm I like the hindsight on that Jennifer Walters. I could SO slap that green ass! Oh sure, she may at first feign a disinterest but once her green peepers fall to the girth that is the man-steak du Wilson she would think 'Hmmm thats SO much bigger than Tony Starks nano-sized pecker.' ”
“Yee-haw?”

“How do I know this? Well Sammy from Miami it all came to me one night in a dream. I was tied to the bed and Ironman, no he wasn't in this dream in any kind of sexual way, although it does come to me that that armor really accents his tight ass. Did I say that out loud? Oh well, we digress from our taste of home for Nelson of the Andes! <Ahem> Friday night and the lights are low, looking out for a, what now?!” Wade huffs dropping his asses lead to place both hands on his lean hips.

Nilsson feels the muscles of his more than likely concussed head seize up, sending waves of pain over his scalp, which thank you is also covered with mosquito welts the size of golf balls, to his forehead. The Swede has Wade pinned with furrowed gold brows as he stands stock still in the middle of the well washed mule path they call a road, AK lifted and locked on the mouthy mercenary.

“The Andes are not in my homeland.”
“Are you sure? I do have someone I can reference that dubious statement with” Wade inquires patting his ass lovingly.
“I am very sure. The Andes are in South America you arsle”Mattias forces out through gritted teeth splattering another mosquito all over his steel like neck.

“No. I think you're wrong Snidely. I distinctly recall seeing Heidi in the Andes and her goats were there too! She was singing Edelweiss while getting it from behind from the lonely goat herder! Have you never seen ' Orgasma in 'The Sound of Moaning?! ” Wade argues rolling a rock with his red boot.
“You are such a fucking jackass!” Mattias snaps wincing at the volume of his words as they reverberate though the jungle and his head.

“Hee-haw!!!”

“See now you offended Sammy you douche! Apologize to my ass immediately or I shall have to meet you on the field of honor you cankerous Swiss foreskin!” Deapool demands while covering the burros ears with his tattered gloves.

Mattias stares at him, sharp blue eyes stinging with sweat.”How do you make a living at this profession?” the Swede inquires candidly.”You have no concept of the word stealth or professionalism. I am baffled at the thought that you have taken contracts away from me when you are the biggest fucking dick I have ever met. Now shut your mouth or I promise you I will blow that non-stop jaw of yours off!”

“Hey! You're the one who told me to get the ass loaded and sleep with it!”
“I never told you to sleep with it you sick mother fucker!” Nilsson snarls back as a shudder of revulsion courses through his powerful body. Could also be malaria flashes through his mohawked head.

“NOW you tell me! I could have saved my the time picking a bouquet and all the sweet-talk!!” Wade shouts back ignoring the tropical pink flower petal Sammy burps up onto his snazzy boot.”On the plus though Sammy and I will be registering at Macy's once we find an open minded pastor who'll.....”


Bratta-bratta-bratta-bratta-bratta-bratta-bratta


“The hills are alive with the sound of silence” Nilsson quips walking over to roll Deadpool to his back with a dark boot. He gingerly kneels down beside the man missing his lower jaw and the accompanying mask to grab Wade's com-link from his bloody ear. Lifting his arctic eyes to Sammy the mercenary shrugs.”He would have never called anyway” he comments rising with a hiss as fresh blood begins to weep from his buttock. Mattias slips the com into his ear and gathers Sammy's lead leaving Wilson lying in the road as he opens the hailing frequency.

“Come in whoever is operating on this frequency” Nilsson murmurs lowly, now that the jungle was silent he was intent on his surroundings. The map that had lain on the seat of his jeep, do not go there again Mattias or you WILL go back and shoot him again just for shits and giggles, had indicated the insurgent main perimeter should be rapidly approaching.

“Hello? Listen pal I don't know how you got Deadpool`s com-link but you had best be getting it back to him or I'll have to open up one industrial sized can of whoop ass on your...”
“This is Mattias Nilsson” the Swede whispers tying Sammy to a small banana tree alongside the rutted road to slink into the deep jungle growth, then arming himself with Wade's cache.
“<Gulp> THE Mattias Nilsson?”

“You know of more than one?” he inquires moving along from tree to tree, AK ready and more than willing.
“No Sir. If I could, uhm, wheres Deadpool?” Weasel asks tugging on his collar back in Manhattan.
“Lying alongside the road with his jaw blown off.”
“AGAIN?”
“Yes” Nilsson grunts not surprised that this was a fairly common occurrence.”I want you to patch me through to my headquarters. The frequency is...”

“Oh I know! Fiona and I are old RPG`s buddies!” the nasal sounding man chuckles in the Swede's ear as Nilsson creeps along, each boot silent amid the random animal and bird calls.”Actually just a few nights ago I bested her thereby becoming a Red Mage level three! Since her skills as an archer are still inhibited by her refusal to complete the task set to her by dragon trainer Grolp I..”

“Shut up. Put me through to PMC now or I will hunt you down and neuter you” Mattias snaps out moving through a thicket of plush bushes, two inch long thorns ripping into his skin and clothes as he hoists the AK above his head to wallow through. Thankfully quiet settles in his ear as he rips his last few steps out of the mess.

<Boss?! Finally! I had Ewan warming up the puddle jumper to come find you!>
“I had a small set back with Wilson. Lock onto my position. I need to know the vicinity of...” he pauses when ten yards ahead of him the smallest of a whisper and the merest shuffle of fronds comes to his well trained eyes and ear. One small step forward as his breath comes on the merest of air movement then the trip rope snags around his ankle and jerks him from his feet. Up he flies into the air, the vines serving as Mother Natures natural bungee snapping upward violently, then down, slamming his head into the ground. The AK falls from his fingers as bursts of white dancing lights appear then a blanket of darkness settles in.


Singing. It seems far away at first and he moans as he swims upward toward the light.

“I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay. Well lookee there Sammy, Nelson finally decided to wake up.”
Mattias blinks a few times quickly while he dangles a few feet from the jungle carpet upside down. Wade kneels before him, half his mask gone so the smile thats clear is a wickedly pleased one.

“Jävlar ( Fuck)” Mattias groans as his well muscled arms hang over his head, the warm jungle breeze making him sway to and fro lightly like a huge tattooed pinata. A brisk couple of smacks to his face by Wilson pull a litany of dark Swedish expletives form Nilsson as Deadpool stands and saunters over to gather his ass.

“How do you make a living at this profession?” Wade inquires checking the small crates secured to Sammy's back.”I mean it really amazes me that you beat me out of contracts since you're the HUGEST dick I have ever met! And thats saying something Inga since I've met a LOT of dicks lemme tell ya!” Pool comments showing the Swede his thick back.

“Are you done?” Nilsson barks struggling to tug himself up so he can reach the tight rope snug about his left ankle. His head explodes at the rush upwards but it's the soft titter from Wilson as the Swede turns a pale pasty white and collapses back to his pinata state that adds to the abject humiliation. Mattias peers at the man leaning his left elbow on his ass with one huge handgun now whipping about his right index finger ala Roland of Gilead.”Get me the fuck down!”

“Tsk, tsk. Temper temper. Whats the magic word?” Deadpool smirks as the gun now cradles in his hand warm and oh-so familiar, the small red laser dot of his sight appearing rather bright in the dwindling sunlight as it settles on the furrow between Nilsson's thick gold brows.

“Shoot me. You'll see my brains on the ground before I beg you for one damn thing!” Nilsson hisses dangling like a fish on a pier.
“I admire your cahoneys” Pool says, the tiny scarlet circle never moving.” For that I shall be the bigger man, in more ways than one. But I do wish to add a small statement before I haul my ass out of here. You ever think to drop me like that again Nilsson and I will skin you out and toss your fucking miserable guts to King Julian and all the nasty lemurs to gnaw upon. Got me Greta?”

Mattias remains silent knowing the man was being completely honest and would keep his promise. Wilson may be a fucking lunatic but he was deadly, vicious and without mercy at times. Two birds of a feather as it were.

“I'll take your silence as your admission per ipso that you get my drift”Wade slips the gun back snuggy warm into the holster strapped to his thigh. A quick move and a glistening hunting knife slams to the ground a mere two feet from Nilsson's blood rich fingertips.”You reach it, you can cut yourself down. Now as much as I'd LOVE to continue our little tit-a-tit I got seven million waiting for me and somewhere in this team-up theres GOT to be some snatch! I know Feral, she loves me and my ass henceforth she will get me some fine chickalita with humongous fun pillows to roll with! Asta la vista Screwy, see ya in St. Louie!”

With a sharp wave of his hand Wade tugs on his ass and they move into the jungle, the refrains of 'Mahnahmahnah!' joining the chorus of tropical birds coming to roost. Nilsson grumbles lividly for a second as he drags a large hand down over his soaking wet face. The roosted macaws and assorted jungle fowl coming from their limbs when he discovers the purple, pink and powder blue beads wove expertly into the twin braids of his goatee.

Traversing the jungle at night is never an easy go but Wilson moves his ass and himself along, keeping the same heading Nilsson had been on. Suddenly the burro begins to quicken its pace, small hooves tugging the weary mercenary along in a somewhat apparent hurry.
“Whoa! Whoa! Sammy what the hell has gotten up your ass?!” Wade calls running forcefully into a huge old tree in the ebony blackness of the Columbian jungle.”Oh shit on a stick that hurt, Whoa!!” he's jerked around the tree as the lead snaps tight, the rough hemp wound around Wilson's broad wrist.

Deadpool stumbles over a fallen log with a stream of colorful curses then runs into the asses backside.
“Whoa” Wade mumbles the sight greeting him and his little ass a welcome one indeed. Three feet before them lies a small pond of water fed by a handsomely sized waterfall, the heavy rains feeding the usually small stream. Beside the moonlit pool rests a lone Coleman lantern and rising from the misty waters is a woman. Wet from her bath she steps to the bank, long dark hair plastered to her bare flesh she turns to face the slack-jawed man and the thirsty ass. She stands naked in the small glen, large firm breasts bared to his hungry gaze, her womanly mound a dark beguiling triangle.

Wilson swallows as Sammy moves forward a foot to lower his head to drink. She lifts her arms over her head, Wilson lifts his boxers in his trousers. A soft coy smile crosses over her breathtaking face. Then she slips a small knife from amid the sodden tresses caressing her pert nipples and flings it to her left severing a thick vine rope tied to the base of a tree. Wade contemplates the real possibility of his finally finding his soul mate when the sounds of his rapid heartbeat and the ripping of the seams of his boxers is interrupted by something barreling towards him at a high velocity. A fast peek from the ta-ta`s gets him a blurred view of a log swinging down from the canopy right before it hurtles over Sammy`s bend head to catch him mid-section sandwiching him to the ancient wide base of some foreign tree behind him.

He crumples to the ground, massive internal injuries making him cough up rich, red, foamy blood then he rolls off his kickstand to find the naked chickalita standing over him with a large very hard looking branch in her lovely hands.
“Foiled by a womans silken curls yet again. You guys ever have the feeling <Hack!> we're playing with a fucking HUGE disadvantage?” Wade inquires rolling his eyes to the right, Sammy still drinking greedily as the woman clobbers him repeatedly over his head until he quits squirming.

I've got one word for that- ouch. That poor, poor man. Undone by the ta-ta's again...

Does seem to be Wades one downfall.

Life has taken over the past week but I`m hoping to get an issue of this done sometime this week.<Fingers cross>

Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue # 4



*~~~~~~*


“Huff!”

Another jarring spring down and his fingers come within an inch of the knife blade. Mattias grumbles on the next movement down as his fingertips just skim the blades dark handle. The jarring motion of going up and down like a well-made Swedish yo-yo is making him blanch, the concussion he now knows he has not helping the escape effort any.

“Bastardly American!” Nilsson snarls as the vine whips tight around his ankle and he jerks downward yet again. His long index finger caresses the hunting knife but the recoil rifles him upward yet again.

One. More. Time.

As his stomach threatens with indignation his palm slaps the smooth handle and he has it. A smile crosses his blood-rich upside down face, the goatee of blond rising while he spins the twelve inch 'Rambo' special over expertly. Now to..

SLAM

“Helvete också!!”( Damn it to hell ) he cries out as the thick blond strip on his head impacts the jungle floor. Wilson would pay for this he promises squeezing his blue eyes closed while stars and little birdies whirl around his battered cranium. Great effort, will power and an over-riding urge to blow Deadpool into little bits spurs the hulking Swede on. The silver blade now slices through the taut vine snug to his foot and with a muffled expletive he explodes into the thick, buggy litter covering the jungle floor. His shoulder and head take the huge impact, his breath leaving him jaggedly as he lies still for a moment with his eyes clamped shut and his skull aching.

“Ugh! What is that smell?” Mattias asks himself moving his left arm tenderly, the loud crack of his shoulder when he fell now a small concern. The socket grinds painfully but he is rather sure its not dislocated. Wrinkling his nose he sits up SLOWLY, then reaches up to rub his forehead. The aroma intensifies as his right hand comes closer to his face. “Shit” he frowns, sniffing of his palm. Yes, it was. He would kill Wilson twice he promises as he hastily attempts to clean his hand on his pant leg. Soon the mercenary is back on his boots and moving through the Columbian jungle. His pride and professionalism dictate he go on, also the seven million may be helping to move his feet Nilsson admits.

His surprise is clear on his Nordic face when an hour later he stumbles upon a small clearing thats illuminated in the moonlight. The waterfalls call drops him to his knees and he washes his hands as well as he can before he drinks, laying the pencil thin flashlight down beside his leg. More than likely he would end up with some nasty parasite in his gut Mattias knows as he quenches his thirst greedily. Ewan would be pleased to see him on the crapper for days, a trash can on his lap. Nilsson grimaces at the thought of the razing the Irishman would heap on him should THAT occur! Its the depression of the ground caught in the thin lights beam that snags his astute blue eyes. Hooves had sunk into the moist lome.

Nilsson falls back to sit on his calves wiping the water from his saturated, and now bead less, goatee and braids he sweeps the area with the flashlight. The booby trap hangs motionless, the ground directly under the massive log still dark with blood. His head drops back and he laughs loudly, then almost falls to his side at the pain the outburst caused. It was worth it though, the blinding agony. Snickering and gagging he wipes at his teary eyes.

“And so we now know why that trap is SO aptly named” Mattias comments to a pack of monkeys overhead who were scolding him for waking them up. Chuckling still he comes to his feet tenderly and finds the tracks of Wilson's ass on the ground, the indentations deeper signifying the little burro carried additional weight. Wilson. Another guffaw falls from the Swede as he sets off on alert to find Deadpool, mock him unmercifully, then kill him twice. Perhaps this trip would have a few shining spots after all Mattias contemplates while he smooshes a mosquito on his sweaty neck.

*~*~*~*~*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=730DMDri4BY


“Oh damn, not this one” Wade moans to himself as he straightens his tie and walks to the Cleaver's front door after Ward has left for work and the boys are off at school with Eddie Haskell. “<Sigh> Could be worse” Wade interjects peeking over his wide well suited shoulder as his finger finds the doorbell.”She could be showing the one about Mrs. Howell, me and that guy in the gorilla suit.”

The door opens and June stands off to the side with nothing on but her string of pearls Gone are the boys lunch pails, she now grips a can of Reddy-Whip in her left hand. Wade waggles a brow as his girthy member swells instantly. Dream time leaps ahead, and Wade has June bent over the kitchen table, both are whipping cream from head to toe as he loves her robustly, her squeals of delight and rapture filling the Cleaver home.

“Thats it June, give Pool-Master W what for! DAMN but I love classic television!” Wilson growls out giving her all he has.

SLAP

“YES!! YES!! June you kinky little bitch you! Hit me again!”

SLAP

“OUCH! Shit you hit hard for such a meek 50`s wife. Guess old Ward gets into the slap and tickle huh? That sick fucker!”

A rapid string of Spanish finally breaks into Wade's fantasy number 27, his eyes open as his pelvis rocks back and forth like a jack-rabbits. The woman facing him is not Barbara Billingsley, she is the same woman who enchanted Wilson so at the pool. He flings his head around quickly, his tattered mask slid sideways on his bald head to find himself tied to the springs of a broken-down boxspring stripped to his 'Check out THIS stake Buffy' boxers.

“Oh sure, and I was THIS close to my magical moment!” Pool grumbles then moves brown eyes from the shack he is held in to the woman chattering in rapid fire Spanish mere inches from his face.”Hey chickalita if you could just lean your lower half in another six inches I could finish up with June and then we could get into some steamy jungle love, or Rambo electrocutionesque torture. I'm up, literally as you can see and I do see you peeking at my fleshy sword, for anything!”

The stunning creature slaps him again and spits vile ripe curses in his scarred face.

“Okay I'll explain” Wade comments to the side as his boxers tighten even more,”Since Feral don't speakey no Espanol just pretend the next bit of dialog is in fact in Spanish. It will add to the flavor of the story much like a sprinkling of bran adds to the flavor of your morning Eggo. Ahem, look sister you want something to spank you just latch a petite little hand onto Senor Shanksalot down hither!”

“You dirty pig!” she seethes, rich thick raven hair wild and tousled around her face.
“She has a face? I was latched onto those cans of hers” Wade coughs tugging his eyes from the tight nipples under her white tee to look at the Latina beauty.

“Dirty swine loving American mercenary!” Her hatred is clear as she lifts a hand to crack Wilson yet again.
“Yes that is a swine in my pants! Hey, hold on a rhubarb picking minute! How did you know I was an American? Or a mercenary? I could have been just some incredibly well hung man out for a little fun and fornication with my ass.<GASP!> Where's Sammy?!” Wade snarls tugging on the chains that hold him to the box springs,” If you've hurt one wittle burro hair on his wittle burro head I will personally make sure you are laid under me and rode like the well built filly I know you are! And yes I do carry spurs for just such an occasi..”

SLAP

“Shut up!” she barks out whipping her hair from her face.”Your mouth runs like shit from a sloth!
“I hear that a lot. Not the sloth part but about my proclivity to chatter on and on about random and seemingly senseless things. Such as how bizarre it is that Craig T. Nelson played Coach and yet Coach on Cheers was not Craig T. Nelson?? That always bothered me but I let it slide since Carla usually made me so horny I couldn't see straight and so I would squint as I found my rapture and pretend Ernie a.k.a. 'Coach' was really Craig T. Nelson overflowing Frasier's mug of frothy as Carla gave me a fine humm..... What? Did I lapse into English hot tamale lady who still can't take her gorgeous peepers off my flagpole?” Pool inquires when the slap doesn't arrive.

“What kind of lunatics are Vaxon hiring?” she asks, her hand hanging limply at her well rounded hip and her expression vacant as she stares at him openly.

“What makes you think Vaxon hired me?” Wilson asks rattling his bonds while moving lusty eyes over the young lady. She nods her head at his gear piled next to the car battery and jumper cables.”Okay there's no battery OR jumper cables. I wanted them to amp up the danger I was in and I apologize for making Feral add that. She can spank me later, and trust me Feral has ribald fantasies about my tush and yellow panties. Ask her. But now we must get back on track, I hate it when people veer from topic.” He looks across the dirt floor after he recalls where we were.

His return flight tickets lay abreast of his red boots, the credit card receipt showing Vaxon International paid for the trip to Columbia.
“Okay that does look incriminating I'll give you that” Wilson admits.”But if you insurgents weren't trying to stop a multi-million dollar conglomeration from making life saving pharmaceuticals I wouldn't have been hired to come down here and stop you! Put that in your chalupa and eat it!”

Her chin juts up as fire leaps back into her cocoa colored eyes.”Insurgents?!! We are merely fighting back so we are not used as pack mules to haul illegal drugs from our fields! The same fields that once fed our children and elderly but now grow poppies for Vaxon and that pig-humping bastard Vasero!” she spits to the floor after saying the name.

“......”

A smile lifts her lips.”I see the truth is the only thing that silences you. Then know this large pock-marked man, we will continue to fight against Vasero until there remains nothing but our charred remains.” At that final pronouncement she goes to the door with the heat of Wilson`s eyes on the tight material spanning her ass.

“How do I know you`re not lying?” Wade inquires as a small flame of anger begins to kindle inside.
“You don`t. But think on this mercenary, why would I lie to you? You are already held in our camp, helpless, stripped of your weapons and facing a firing squad. What gain would I have?” she asks facing the door to this small jungle abode.”If you weigh your thoughts you know I speak the truth. But does Vasero?”

“Shit” Wade mumbles as the hinges creak roughly.”You have a name or do I call you chickalita from here on in? Please don`t let it be...”
After a moments hesitation she replies.“My name is Anna. Enjoy that knowledge for come sunrise we will kill you just as we have killed the others who seek to keep us under heel.” Knitted brows furrow his askew mask as the rusty call of the door signals her departure. Far-off sounds of the rebels mixed with rich night calls creep in the bare windows as Deadpool begins a slow simmer.

“I`ve been screwed and without even the courtesy of a reach around or a shot of Vaseline to ease the penetration” he whispers to himself balling his hands into fists. Time creeps by, each minute making the motor-mouth merc madder and madder until he growls out, “Vasero.”

“That is the name of the man who will sign the check yes” Mattias announces slipping in through the rear window along with another wave of orange sized mosquitoes, a rapid hiss as his bullet-filled buttock slips over the rough board. Wade lifts his head to look right at the smirking Swede who now stands before him scrutinizing him carefully.” Did you really think you would beat me to this bounty? As soon as I get my fill of ridiculing your pathetic self I will level this nest and return home several times richer than you.”

“Listen up gravlax breath these folks aren't the bad guys.”
Mattias cocks a blond brow at the restrained pain-in-the-ass as he rifles through Wilson's gear. Rising with Wade's handguns while slipping the com-link into his still ringing ear Nilsson turns to find Wade intent on him.
“Oh please! Are you telling me you BELIEVE the lies these people are telling you?” Mattias asks strapping the holster tightly to his powerful thigh.”I would have thought you much more distrusting and cynical.”

“Yeah me too. Go figure. Could be she had great tits. Could be she wants ALL twelve inches of the Wilson love staff. Or could just be and I'll go slow so even a Swede can keep up... Could. Be. We. Were. Lied. To” Deadpool hisses flinging his head about until his mask flutters to the well tramped dirt floor. Mattias lifts crisp sapphire eyes from the mask to Wade's steady brown ones. He may hate this man for numerous reasons but despite that Wilson had always been his number one rival for one simple reason. He was smarter than most gave him credit for, and it was sharp intelligent eyes that now held Nilsson's.”Why hire two of the worlds best merc`s? Makes no sense does it? You and me to take out what, maybe fifty people? Shit I can do that while blind-folded and playing my Aunt Marigolds accordion. Vasero lured us both down here in the hopes of us killing each other AFTER we ended his little problem with the natives he`s forcing to mule his 'base products' down from the top of Mount Wannahockaloogie.”

A soft shuffle outside, the low bray of Sammy as he grazes the lush vegetation. Mattias stares across the small humid room at Wilson as he chews over the mans words. Wade says nothing more just begins to softly hum 'Fernando'.

“I hate being double crossed” Nilsson snarls lifting the handgun from the holster and aiming dead-eyed at Wilson. Four rapid shots fill the hut in quick succession and Wade tumbles from his make-shift Serta torture rack.”Why I am taking your word for this I'm not sure. But if this turns out to be the truth we will both get our ounce of flesh from Vasero. Someone pays” Mattias states tossing Wilson his clothes, scabbards and boots.

Pool holds out a numb huge hand for his gun, then nods as it slaps into his palm.
“Inga-dinga-fuckin`-dergin Greta” Wade chimes stepping into his red pants as the small band of villagers alarmed shouts begin to come closer and closer.

Oh, man! It just gets deeper and deeper! Do ANY of Wade's fantasys ever come true? In a good way, I mean.

I pray MOST of his fantasies don`t Ducks, its too horrifying to contemplate!

Sex & Drugs &Ordnance-Issue #5


*~~~~~*

Mattias greets the angry villagers with open palms and a hopefully calming smile.
“Drop your weapons,” Anna shouts at the two mercenaries, her old Russian AK pointed at the large Swede`s chest.
“We offer no resistance,” Nilsson assures the anxious and very heavily armed natives.”We are here to assist you in taking down Vaxon.”
Her slim dark brow rises in disbelief, her gun coming up to point at the blond Mohawk despite the man’s calm demeanor.
“And you expect me to believe you why?”

“Well for starters it`s well known this douche is too dumb to lie,” Wade chimes up from under his half mask.” And numero uno , no wait…uno is one and also a hell of a great card game. And numero dose! No, does. Uh-uh, wrong once more.<Sigh> See if Feral would spend less time drooling over stupid movie hunks and maybe devote her time to self-betterment, I`d be able to say something in Spanish as opposed to continually sounding like Wolverine mixed with Granny Clampett! What?! You don`t wanna be looking at me like that for much longer Swede or I`ll pluck those dreamy arctic blue eyes out with little plastic martini spears and use them for catfish bait!”

“Asshole,” Nilsson huffs then speaks to Anna since she seems to be the leader of this small band of rebels.”We will admit to being hired to come here and eliminate you,” Mattias tells them candidly. Their reaction is expected, all the battered guns now are waved about with anger.”But,” he speaks louder to be heard over the din,” But we now have become aware of a circumstance beyond our control….”

“Oh, oh, oh, oh! The phone, the tv and the news of the world. Got in the house like a pigeon from hell, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ahhh I swear I just LOVE
Chrissie Hynde,” Wade grins dreamily.”She`s Swedish I think Nelson.”
“No she’s not, she`s from Ohio. Just shut the hell up before they kill us just to silence you,” Mattias snarls savagely to the side.
“Are you sure? Hmmm, I shall have to touch base with my inside Swedish type friend and make sure of your dubious statement. But that aside, continue pray tell,” Pool states with a wave of his gloved hand as he sits down atop a rough wooden crate.

“Do you think we are so stupid as to believe the word of a mercenary pig and his side-kick,” Anna inquires.
“Okay see, I am NOT this jerk-off`s side kick! I HAVE a side-kick who does MY bidding. So can we please make sure I am referred to from henceforth as ‘Deadpool, he of the massive schlong and incredible boudoir slash killing skills’? You may continue to address Nelson as a mercenary pig though since you seem so fond of that putdown and it warms my cockles. ”

The entire ensemble gazes at the imposing man sitting with one thick leg crossed over the other completely perplexed.
“Si,” Anna answers in a questioning tone.
“Good enough. She wants me,” Wade whispers in English to Nilsson.
“His moronic dictates aside,” Mattias begins again,” Wilson and I have come to believe that a certain person MAY have set us against each other.”
“Let me guess,” Anna smiles wickedly at the Swede,” Hector Vasero?”

Nilsson eyes her carefully, for the small laugh lines around her dark eyes are prominent now. “Perhaps,” Nilsson says. A small round of guffaws moves through the people, Anna chuckling especially hard at the male posturing.
“Perhaps my ass,” she states lowering the gun now Mattias is glad to see.”Very well Nelson, we see you have been screwed as roughly as we have. We will let you go but I for one would like to offer you a deal. You two are mercenaries no?”

“I prefer well compensated, oh shit you know the rest,” Wade sighs from his box seat to the right of Nilsson.
“Yes we are. From what I have seen of your living quarters I cannot imagine you have much to offer in the way of monetary compensation,” Mattias tells her frankly.”But this goes beyond the need for payment, this now has become personal. I do not take well to being bent over and reamed so callously.”
“Really! Would a damn bottle of perfume hurt?! But NO, they just toss you down and make you their bitch! Sorry, was I saying all that out loud?”

Anna makes herself look away from Wilson, he makes her head hurt.”We have not much money true but there are other things we can barter.” Wade`s head comes up so rapidly his eyes cross for a second.
“Barter? She did say barter right? Oh damn yes, my time is coming! Poontang is on the horizon,” he exclaims leaping from his box with vigor, striking a pose then racing from the hut to find Sammy and his Axe body spray, adrenaline scent.
“We can fight,” Anna continues after the door closes,” We can navigate the jungle well. And,” she adds almost playfully from behind her thick raven hair,” We know where all the traps are.”

Mattias reaches up to stroke his goatee for a moment, her words saying one thing, her mahogany eyes saying something as well.
“Very well, Anna. We will work together to bring down Vasero,” Nilsson announces.” But we`ll need a plan. One does not move on a man as powerful as Vasero glibly.” The others murmur in agreement around Mattias and Anna.

“Come then Nelson, we will work out a plan while the moon still shines. Come morning we will move,” she looks at her people, poor peasants all but hearts rich and brave as any king.” Go to your homes, rest and meet us at the river at daybreak. Tomorrow we will be free,” she shouts. A loud roar goes up in response to her heartfelt cry. After the majority has moved off amid soft talk of the coming day Anna turns to look over her shoulder at the blond with the unique haircut.

“Now Nelson, we`ll go to my home and barter,” she informs him moving through the portal with the knowledge the muscular tattooed male would be on her heels. A fast glance back as she strolls across the small village makes her full lips tug up. He was coming along with quiet steps and burning blue eyes. She had nothing to offer him but herself, and for her people she would do anything. Thankfully this exchange is one she wants and would benefit both parties, of that she was sure.

Once inside her roughly built house Nilsson finds her slipping her gun over her head, the strap lifting the fall of thick black hair then dropping it to cover her back and chest.
“Tell me Nelson,” she says reaching up to toss her hair back, “About your homeland. Sweden. Tell me how the women of your country keep such a man as you satisfied.” Her fingers work at the small buttons of her top until the rich bounty of her full breasts tumble out to fill his hungry gaze. The Coleman lantern sits beside her weapon, so she can find the look of carnal pleasure on his handsome Nordic face as she lifts her orbs to him. “Tell me how I compare to the women of snow and ice.”

“They begin very much as you are,” Nilsson comments tugging his ragged vest off and tossing it somewhere into a dark corner. “But I find the jewels women possess are very similar be a man in a fjord or a jungle. Also, it`s Nilsson.”

She nods slowly as he pads across the reeds laying on the floor to crush her into his arms and take the lips that smiled at his being snared so well. Perhaps he thinks as her hands slip inside the front of his pants, perhaps this were just another type of snare-one that caught every male repeatedly, yet one that they walked into willingly time and time again. Gripping her bottom in both calloused hands he snags her tight to his hardness making her whimper into his mouth. Yes, the Swede admits, he would walk into this trap as many times as he could.

Hours later, before the sun rises, Mattias slips from the mattresses that lay on the floor. He locates his dark pants, stiff and foul with blood and filth and steps into them, the bushes outside calling to him most severely. Stealthy bare feet carry him swiftly outside and to the Columbian jungles edge and he unzips.

“You suck you know that Nelson?”
Mattias jerks some then turns his head some to see Wilson lounging on the damp ground, his sturdy back against the burro`s sleeping side.
“No, but she did,” Mattias fires back giving it a shake or two then tugging up his fly.
“Sure, rub it in. You know Greta by rights and reasons me as the star should get the pussy.”

Nilsson ignores the lunacy and turns to return to the poor looking home, and the well rounded woman asleep inside.”It has been awhile Wilson, for me. Our kind, we are not prone to lasting relationships.”
“No shit Sherlock,” Wade counters,” And for the LP, I bet I got you beat in terms of celibacy by fuckin` years.” Sammy snores softly and Deadpool pets his ass/pillow a bit.
“I`ve always found that chicks dig scars.”

Wade snorts then peels another banana keeping his shrewd eyes locked on Mattias.”Well buddy there`s scars and then there be scars,” Pool states simply then crams a huge mouthful in and chews loudly. Nilsson says nothing in return merely hooks his thumbs into the band of his trousers.”Any who, my lackage of sex ain`t your concern dickhead you may be. What concerns me oh Norse One is this chickalita`s idea of coming. Along to Vaxon that is. I will say to you what a famous and ass kicking man once uttered in a sweltering jungle not unlike this one….’She`s your baggage. You fall behind you’re on your own.’”

“I have no intention of allowing them to come along. This is a job that requires professional`s, not farmers with weapons made during the invasion of Russia into Afghanistan,” Mattias tells Wade.

“You called me a professional. I`d kiss you but I know where that mouths been, lucky fucking bastard,” Wilson says ripping a banana free then tossing it to Nilsson.”So you planning on calling your man for an evac soon or is the lure of heady Central American muffburger dulling your already dim senses?”
Mattias raises a lip then fumbles the com-link Wade whips at him.”You are always so tactful,” Nilsson mutters down while placing the communication device into his left ear. Wade shrugs and smiles taking a swig from a small jug of water as Nilsson raises his air man after a few moments of dead air.

“Ewan, do you read me?”
“Aye boss, loud and clear,” the Irishman`s brogue thick and sloppy in the Swede`s ear.
“Tell me the chopper is up and running.”
“Okay, the choppers up and running.”
“Really,” Mattias inquires trying to not look over at Wade and whatever the hell he was doing with that banana.
“Actually, no. But the case of Dewar`s arrived!”

“Then I suggest you find another chopper you drunken fuck and G.P.S. us, we need an evac into Pasto. Do you copy Devlin?”
“The interference is god awful boss. Is that your angry voice I`m hearin`, because if it`s not I`d just as soon finish me scotch whiskey and the two lovely lasses that are both asleep with their wee heads cradling` me family jewels.”

Wilson breaks out laughing at the tsunami of Swedish expletives that runs from the usually well maintained Norseman.
“Right. I`ll be rollin` along as soon as I can find me breeches and that bottle of antibiotics Fiona picked up for me. Half an hour do ya boss?”
“Thirty minutes Devlin or your family jewels will be hanging from a branch for ocelot snacks. Nilsson out,” Mattias snaps moving his hawked head to peer down at Wade and his ass snickering at him. He didn`t know burro`s could taunt verbally but perhaps the malaria had finally kicked in?

“Hard to find good help nowadays huh Gretchen?”
“I`m going inside to gather my things, Ewan will arrive within thirty. Try and have your goodbyes made to your pitiful ass before then,” Nilsson remarks with a smug smile then slips inside the plank sided house. Wade turns to look at the burro then offers Sammy a peeled banana.

“I would like to say this before the shit hits the proverbial fan. If I don`t get hooked up with some ass, and not this one,” he pokes a thumb at Sammy,” My lawyer will be in touch because I am damned sure there`s a ‘Wilson MUST get laid EVERY story’ clause in my contract that is being flagrantly and willfully, oh yeah? That sucks. Well, that`ll teach me not to agree to anything Feral asks just because of her endowments. Sammy my love give Unca Wade a big wet one!”

Twenty-seven minutes later a ‘borrowed’ chopper drops a ladder down and two huge men scale up, Nilsson climbing into the co-pilot`s seat. His glower at his pilot not missed by Devlin as Wilson blows kisses to his ass far below. The tree tops are whipping violently but Nilsson growls out his plans to Ewan. The last sight Wade has is of Anna running from her tiny home, her head craning skyward as she holds a sheet to herself.
“Man, I don`t know if I could of walked from meat that fine Inga,” Wade tells him as they streak over the summit of the volcano.

“Hell this prick made me leave TWO who enjoyed nothing better than LOTS of me Dewar`s mixed well with oral sex! The bastard`s got a few screws loose! Ewan Devlin by the way,” the brunette who reeks of booze, smokes and broads extends his hand over his head to Wilson. Wade slaps him five then settles into the back to begin gearing up.

“So we are going to where exactly,” Ewan asks peeking over the top of his dark shades at Nilsson. Mattias takes the RPG from the rear then turns his head slightly, the smile he wears one of pure evil pleasure.
“We are going to Vaxon`s main pharmaceutical facility in Pasto. I want you to stay in radio at all times, and when we want out you come in despite the heat,” Mattias directs Devlin.

“While you`re waiting with your peter in your hand Lucky Charms dude, could you get Weasel online? I have some legal briefs I need someone to look into! Bwa-ha! Shit I slay me,” Deadpool snickers slamming fresh cartridges into his pretty, pretty guns.”Anyone want to join in a rousing chorus of ‘How many shots to Vasero`s head can Wade make?’ It`s a toe tapping ditty!”
“Did he just call me a fuckin` leprechaun,” Ewan hisses over to Nilsson who shrugs.

“I may possibly have the dance mix to that,” Mattias comments hearing Fiona`s hearty laugh rolling into their ears. She can barely breathe for her merriment over the legal brief line.
“Sweet,” Wade smiles to the side,” I see my humor has won over another maiden`s heart. We best wrap this up next issue so I can go find this tootsie pop of my heart and get my nuts off. Or at least show her my spleen collection.”



To be concluded…..

Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue #6


*~~~~~~*

“E.T.A. two minutes boss,” Ewan announces over a yawn as they fly closer to the millions of lights that announce Pasto is coming up quickly.
“Good,” Mattias replies running as fast double check of his weapons.
“Okay boss I finally got a basic schematic of the Vaxon plant you`re going to enter. If Devlin`s sober enough to tell East from West have him drop you and Wilson about one hundred meters shy of the Western gate. That should give you enough cover to secure an entrance. Once inside you should…”

“Fiona tell me when we`re inside if you would,” Nilsson instructs the Aussie.
“Fiona tell me if I can GET inside if you would,” Wilson chimes in from the rear. Her sweet laugh gets a smile to peel over Wade`s face and a dour look to fall over Devlin`s.
“Ha! Oh you are a wicked wit Wilson,” she snorts loudly into the Swede`s ear and he rolls his clear blue eyes.
“Pardon me for breaking into this here little spot of ‘What the hell are ya thinkin` lass’ but what the hell are ya thinkin` lass!?”
“I`m thinking the only time you make me laugh Devlin is when you`re attempting another one of your lame come ons!”

Wade snickers to himself as he slips as ear bud in and begins to peruse his musical selection.
“Rosenrot? Nah. Indestructible? Nope.The World. The World?! Okay who put the fuckin` Naked Brothers Band into my¸oh Feral. Tee and freakin` hee. Hmmm, Smells like Nirvana?? Al you accordion loving schmedley you! Not today my friend, not today. What have we here? Ahhh yes, yes this will do nicely I think,” Deadpool smiles wickedly as the chopper whips over Vaxon International then drops to a hover for a moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKVpLL3EJq0

Nilsson`s hawked head turns to look at the masked mercenary and he bestows a small nod at the choice of ass kicking soundtrack. Then both men leap from the chopper allowing Devlin to get their only way out of Columbia safely out of harm’s way. Twin sets of boots land soundly then roll to counter the landing.
“Damn Gretchen that was almost as much fun as when I got the body piercing,” Pool states merrily coming to his feet swiftly. Silence encompasses the two until Wade bursts out,” Well aren`t you going to ask me what I got pierced!?”

“No.”
Wade flips the Swede off then set off then races to the rear gate. Mattias slips up behind Wilson as Wade`s packing C-4 around the stout entrance.
“It was my balls,” Deadpool whispers over his shoulder then titters at the dark look from Nilsson.”I would suggest at this time we duck and cover Nelson.”

The explosion gets a loud hoot from Wade right before they barrel into the facility. Nilsson has his trusty RPG swung around and cradled in his hands like a babe. The high whine of the small rocket stalls the guards as they round the first smaller building the two see. The resulting detonation blows the blue uniformed men to bits.

“I think I just came,” Wilson blurts out with a shiver then giggles at the giggles in his ear.”I was just kidding Fiona, I can go hours, days, weeks without spilling one of my little swimmers!”

“Dear God Wilson, just fire and save us all the discussion about your sperm,” Mattias barks running alongside the man in red spandex. Guns whip from holsters and the air is soon riddled with rounds from Pool`s guns.
“You`re just jealous Inga McSvenson because you are a girl who has no sperm,” Pool taunts dashing ahead of Mattias then leaping into the air to avoid the automatic weapons fire coming at him. He keeps firing while flipping over, dropping the men in the front with the Uzi`s.

“When you`re done giggling like a schoolgirl Fiona, we could use some co-ords here,” Mattias hisses rounding the corner to find jeeps racing at them, men standing in the rear behind huge guns mounted to the bed of the green army surplus.
“<Snort> Sorry boss. Looks like you have to head due east now, towards that huge big building?”

“I see it,” Pool shouts out tugging some grenade`s free from his belt then tossing them at the approaching jeeps. Nilsson jerks back a step as another rocket streaks across the grounds blowing another vehicle end over end.”Look at that edifice Greta! Why it is thick and straight and erect, not unlike a certain mercenary I know who, look don`t point that thing at me just because you make eggs once a month!”

“Shut up or so help me I will kill you again,” Mattias warns heading to the East and to the main office building of Vaxon and hopefully Vasero`s.
“You can try midol breath,” Wilson huffs running full out to zip ahead of Nilsson once more. A round red and black grenade bounces to the main doors ahead of the two. Wade skips along with a grin on his mask then skids to a halt just as his grenade levels the glass doors. Employees just reporting to work are running in every which direction when Mattias dashes inside, his head moving rapidly to find their way up.

“Fiona which way?”
“So now you want me to tell you where to go?”
“Yes Fiona,” Nilsson growls moving his sights from the workers to the next batch of security boiling out from every doorway.”I am now inside the building.”

“She thinks you`re a pain in the anal area,” Wilson says running towards the slew of armed men then banking off a wall to fling himself right into the center of the mass.”See I cleaned that up. I could have said ass but then people would be all’ Wow that Feral sure does use a lot of profanity in her stories’. Hey slim hold this gun for me would you? Thanks, I prefer a more close up approach when I`m close up,” the katanas leave their scabbards and Wade slices the man holding his gun across the chest.”Gracious muchacha! Where was I? Oh yes, the bad language. See I have no problem saying naughty things like muffburger or blow job, I kinda like to say shit, I mean words like that.”

Mattias has thrown the RPG back over his shoulder since the damage in here would bar them from getting up or eventually, down. His weapon of choice now is a semi-auto that blankets the vestibule killing as fast as he can hold the trigger.

“Good, now that she touched on what Mister Snorfeldangle is doing let me continue my random rant while I gushkt people,” Pool kicks a man in the groin then runs him through.”Ahhhh the gushkt. It is as alluring a sound as a woman calling out while under my thrusting hips ‘ Trix are for kids!!! Trix are for kids!!!”

“Fiona damn it! Get yourself together and tell me which exit will get us to Vasero the fastest,” Nilsson shouts angrily rolling behind a desk then firing around the side of the large metal piece of office equipment.
“<Sniffle> My sides are aching! Sorry boss, let me dry my eyes. Okay, you want to take the stairs since all power to the elevators has just been shut down.”

“Skit,” Mattias huffs then stands to strafe the lobby once more but he finds only Wilson standing over a man as he extracts his katana from his head. Wade wipes the blood from the blade then whips it back into its sheath on his wide back.
“See she even went to a Swede to get bad words in Swedish. Oh sure she SAYS it was because she wanted to add realism to this rip roaring tale but if that`s the case then why did she have me running nude across a field of daisies looking AMAZINGLY like Ryan Reynolds? Hmm? I ask you son of Odin WHY!?!”

“That never happened Wilson,” Mattias states with a blond brow arched quite high.
“It didn`t? Are you sure? Mayhap it was a dream of mine then. I DID go see that Wolverine movie. Oh damn, I have to weep in misery again then go find one of them action figures that has its mouth sewn shut. I have special things I do with those, oh yes I do. Which reminds me, can you tell me what the hell is going on?”

“Up the stairs Deadpool,” Fiona says between rounds of laughter.
“Thanks pumpkin. So you coming or what Sweden,” Wade inquires streaking towards a door marked STAIRS. Mattias sighs deeply then runs to catch up with Wilson.

“Up, <Pant> the, <Pant> steps, <Pant> she, <Pant> said, <Pant>,” Pool wheezes pulling himself up to the fortieth floor of the building. Mattias comes slowly behind him, his Mohawk limp with sweat.”Bet that’s not the only thing he has that’s limp.”
“Fuck. You. Asshole,” Nilsson stumbles past Wilson hanging over the railing gasping for breath. The Swede lays a hand on the locking bar then freezes.”Wade,” he calls and Wilson grunts out a hoarse reply.”Why don`t you go first? I think it will impress Fiona to see you being both funny AND noble.”

The masked head comes up rapidly.”Why thanks Heidi, that`s awful kind of you. Actually since you stole my piece in the jungle I should get all the chances to score in what remains of this,” his red glove shoves the bar. The explosion rockets Wade back down the steps minus a hand and some more spandex.”Dickhead,” Mattias hears Wade whimper softly then he barrels through the ruined portal into a lush corridor. Offices and damned expensive ones at that he notes. He was close he knows so he begins to move along the wall, stopping to kick each door open and enter with the semi-auto held high.

“Boss I`m getting jammed from internal security but before the hack hit a message was sent via the Vaxon inter-office instant message system to the Columbian Army for immediate assistance. You really need to be making a fast move to the roof. I have Ewan already coming back,” Fiona informs Mattias with worry heavy in her voice.

“Not without Vasero,” the Norseman snarls jogging out of an office that held only a cowering secretary to find Deadpool waiting for him. The punch to his face rocks the Swede a step or two in reverse.

“That was for making me open that rigged door! But what really blows is that was my Cinemax hand and sure I can jack with Senor Lefty but the mother humping rhythm is off,” Wade seethes at the blond with a bloody lip.

“You get back to base Deadpool and I`ll use my right hand.”

Wilson takes off like a greased pig, his one good hand tight to Nilsson`s ragged shirt the bald man crashes into the lone door left unopened with his burly shoulder. Vasero greets them with two bodyguards armed to the teeth protecting the very worried executive.

“Kill the shit stain! HURRY,” Deadpool roars tugging a gun out then diving to the left while Mattias leaps to the right. The two death merchants blanket the elite room with hundreds of rounds, as do Vasero`s guards. Mattias rolls across the floor keeping his finger tight to the AK`s trigger while Wade shucks behind an over turned stuffed chair and shoots one man in the kneecap.”Now drop the other stooge so we can off the johnson who poked us in the rectum SO thoughtlessly! I have a hot chick who wants to be my hand for the love of all that’s holy!!!!!!”
Nilsson snaps out a scathing reply in his native tongue then literally saws the man almost in two with the line of his fire. Left alone Hector Vasero now begins to back slowly away from the duo that are now rising from the mangled mess of his office.

“This is all a misunderstanding,” Vasero says finding his back now firm to a wall.
“Really,” Mattias inquires slamming the butt of the AK into the man`s stomach. Vasero doubles over and begins to retch but Wade simple grabs him by the neck and hoists him up. “It seems to me that you meant to double cross us Senor Vasero. A very stupid idea to entertain let me assure you. Now,” the Swede smiles a smile that speaks of death,” Why don`t you give us our money.”

“You won`t kill me if I pay you,” he asks hopefully but rather quietly as Wilson`s meaty left paw is crushing his windpipe.
“Oh we`ll kill you but the death will be less, what`s the word I`m looking for here Wilson,” Mattias queries thoughtfully stroking his thin braids.
“Yeoman,” Pool offers turning his head to peer at Nilsson while squeezing tighter and tighter.
“No.”
“Prestidigitation?”
“No.”
“Hymen. What? I went to school with a Hymen Rabbinowitz. Nice kid, never got much on Christmas though.”

Mattias stares at Wilson for a moment then shakes the pain from his brain.”Painful was what I was going for.”
“Damn! I was going to say that! Right after spatula,” Wade frowns then shakes Vasero soundly for making him fudge up the word game.
“Take…<Gasp> the money! Safe…<Wheeze> behind Monet,” Hector gasps out as his head impacts the wall yet again.

“Monet Monet! So good, Monet Monet! HA! Beat you to that little slice of fourth wall witticism didn`t I Dolores,” Wade puffs out his chest as Fiona can be heard rolling from her computer chair.”And yes readers I said Dolores. Seems the Feral One has run out of Scandinavian girls names to insult the Swede with. I know, I know. Bare with us it`s almost over,” Wade whispers to the side.

“Go open the safe Wilson, I want a word with Senor Vasero,” Nilsson says firmly.
“Yeah that would work but HELLO!! Call me Stumpy remember,” Pool points out with a sneer. Mattias mutters darkly then crosses the room and flings the masterpiece to the floor.”Combination. NOW,” the angry Swede snaps out.”Wilson, you have to let him breath in order for him to relay the combination.”

“Oh. My bad,” Deadpool mutters then eases up on Hector`s esophagus a small bit. Soon the numbers are called out; Nilsson has the safe open and is filling his bag with stacks of hundreds and Wade is dancing about while Vasero`s shoes dangle in the wind.
“Now don`t you feel better fulfilling your obligation to us Senor Vasero,” Mattias asks padding over to look Hector in the eye.

“Yes?”
“Ooooo wrong awnser boobalah! The correct reply was ‘Yes oh wise and mighty mercenary who has the sexual stamina of a rhinoceros’. But thanks for playing along and here is your lovely parting gift,” Deadpool growls low and deep moving with such speed the knife is out of the sheath on his thick thigh and Vasero is gutted before Mattias can put a round into the man’s head. The Swede does anyway just for shits and giggles then Wade drops the mess to the floor. Just then the building shakes violently and both men recall the mention of the Columbian Army.

“Poop. That startled me,” Pool says then spins the knife around skillfully.”Yeah, grew it back. Funny how fast I can heal when the writer needs me to.”
“To the roof,” Mattias shouts as another mortar races into the Vaxon facility.

“Do you think this story is about over? I`m really horny,” Wade asks as they beat ass to leather to hurtle up another flight of steps and race to the heli-pad atop the huge building. Nilsson spies his man coming down fast and hot, banking left then right to avoid surface to air. Ewan skims over them then sets down cursing wildly for them to move their asses and now! A wickedly close round hisses past the chopper as Devlin throttles it skyward. The pilot was a skilled one and after another close shave or two they race from Pasto, and Columbia to return to base, Wade`s white ass cheeks the last thing the Columbian Army get`s a peek at as he moons them.

*~~~~*

PMC HQ

Marida, Venezuela


Ewan drops the chopper down amid swaying palm trees and richly filled planters then collapses over the controls.” I need a mother humpin` drink,” the Irishman groans. Mattias claps his pilot`s back soundly then begins to unbuckle himself from the safety belt. His blond hawk rises at the sound of a very excited Australian accent racing to the landing pad.

“Thank God,” Fiona cries running full speed until she comes up beside the whirly bird and stops dead in her tracks.”I lost all contact! I thought you were, well, not living!”
Wade flings the wide back door open and gathers the little redhead into a big embrace as Ewan makes a face at Nilsson. Both men are just waiting for the woman to tug her gun from out of the back of her short skirt and blow Wilson`s nuts off. Instead she wraps her arms around his sinewy neck, tugs his mask off and plants a kiss on him that has Devlin`s jaw on his chest.

“What the hell is goin` on lass,” the befuddled pilot sputters as Wade drops her to her tiny feet after patting her firm butt knowingly.
“I love a man who makes me laugh. Humor makes me hot,” Fiona says keeping her pretty eyes on the scarred man.”Come on Wade, I think I have a hand that you need to borrow.”
“Nope, I grew mine back,” he counters rubbing a weighty breast as they head indoors to her room.”But who am I do deny a woman a feel.”
“<Gasp> Wade! Oh now that’s nothing to laugh at,” Fiona purrs copping a feel through the very tented front of Wilson`s pants. “Let`s run!”

Ewan sits stupefied staring at the two racing inside barely able to keep their hands off each other.
“<Sigh> Women. Wanna hit the scotch whiskey,” he asks of Mattias beside him.
“May as well. As the Vikings said ‘Never be sober while listening to another man getting laid’,” Nilsson smirks a bit.




The End

Well done Feral!! Kudos and Twinkies to ya, gal. The ending was just too funny. So Wade finally got some, eh? Good for him.

I thank you woman! It was a very enjoyable tale to tell, letting Wade have free rein is such a blast! And yeah, Wilson had to get some or I wouldn`t have ver heard the end of it.

I know precisely what you mean! Me boy Hunter is always pestering me wanting to know when he's going to get lucky, lol! I have to keep telling the lad- when the time is right, you'll know. Males, sheesh!