Sex & Drugs & Ordnance-Issue #6
“E.T.A. two minutes boss,” Ewan announces over a yawn as they fly closer to the millions of lights that announce Pasto is coming up quickly.
“Good,” Mattias replies running as fast double check of his weapons.
“Okay boss I finally got a basic schematic of the Vaxon plant you`re going to enter. If Devlin`s sober enough to tell East from West have him drop you and Wilson about one hundred meters shy of the Western gate. That should give you enough cover to secure an entrance. Once inside you should…
“Fiona tell me when we`re inside if you would,” Nilsson instructs the Aussie.
“Fiona tell me if I can GET inside if you would,” Wilson chimes in from the rear. Her sweet laugh gets a smile to peel over Wade`s face and a dour look to fall over Devlin`s.
“Ha! Oh you are a wicked wit Wilson,
” she snorts loudly into the Swede`s ear and he rolls his clear blue eyes.
“Pardon me for breaking into this here little spot of ‘What the hell are ya thinkin` lass’ but what the hell are ya thinkin` lass!?”
“I`m thinking the only time you make me laugh Devlin is when you`re attempting another one of your lame come ons!
Wade snickers to himself as he slips as ear bud in and begins to peruse his musical selection.
“Rosenrot? Nah. Indestructible? Nope.The World. The World?! Okay who put the fuckin` Naked Brothers Band into my¸oh Feral. Tee and freakin` hee. Hmmm, Smells like Nirvana?? Al you accordion loving schmedley you! Not today my friend, not today. What have we here? Ahhh yes, yes this will do nicely I think,” Deadpool smiles wickedly as the chopper whips over Vaxon International then drops to a hover for a moment.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKVpLL3EJq0
Nilsson`s hawked head turns to look at the masked mercenary and he bestows a small nod at the choice of ass kicking soundtrack. Then both men leap from the chopper allowing Devlin to get their only way out of Columbia safely out of harm’s way. Twin sets of boots land soundly then roll to counter the landing.
“Damn Gretchen that was almost as much fun as when I got the body piercing,” Pool states merrily coming to his feet swiftly. Silence encompasses the two until Wade bursts out,” Well aren`t you going to ask me what I got pierced!?”
Wade flips the Swede off then set off then races to the rear gate. Mattias slips up behind Wilson as Wade`s packing C-4 around the stout entrance.
“It was my balls,” Deadpool whispers over his shoulder then titters at the dark look from Nilsson.”I would suggest at this time we duck and cover Nelson.”
The explosion gets a loud hoot from Wade right before they barrel into the facility. Nilsson has his trusty RPG swung around and cradled in his hands like a babe. The high whine of the small rocket stalls the guards as they round the first smaller building the two see. The resulting detonation blows the blue uniformed men to bits.
“I think I just came,” Wilson blurts out with a shiver then giggles at the giggles in his ear.”I was just kidding Fiona, I can go hours, days, weeks without spilling one of my little swimmers!”
“Dear God Wilson, just fire and save us all the discussion about your sperm,” Mattias barks running alongside the man in red spandex. Guns whip from holsters and the air is soon riddled with rounds from Pool`s guns.
“You`re just jealous Inga McSvenson because you are a girl who has no sperm,” Pool taunts dashing ahead of Mattias then leaping into the air to avoid the automatic weapons fire coming at him. He keeps firing while flipping over, dropping the men in the front with the Uzi`s.
“When you`re done giggling like a schoolgirl Fiona, we could use some co-ords here,” Mattias hisses rounding the corner to find jeeps racing at them, men standing in the rear behind huge guns mounted to the bed of the green army surplus.
“<Snort> Sorry boss. Looks like you have to head due east now, towards that huge big building?
“I see it,” Pool shouts out tugging some grenade`s free from his belt then tossing them at the approaching jeeps. Nilsson jerks back a step as another rocket streaks across the grounds blowing another vehicle end over end.”Look at that edifice Greta! Why it is thick and straight and erect, not unlike a certain mercenary I know who, look don`t point that thing at me just because you make eggs once a month!”
“Shut up or so help me I will kill you again,” Mattias warns heading to the East and to the main office building of Vaxon and hopefully Vasero`s.
“You can try midol breath,” Wilson huffs running full out to zip ahead of Nilsson once more. A round red and black grenade bounces to the main doors ahead of the two. Wade skips along with a grin on his mask then skids to a halt just as his grenade levels the glass doors. Employees just reporting to work are running in every which direction when Mattias dashes inside, his head moving rapidly to find their way up.
“Fiona which way?”
“So now you want me to tell you where to go?
“Yes Fiona,” Nilsson growls moving his sights from the workers to the next batch of security boiling out from every doorway.”I am now inside the building.”
“She thinks you`re a pain in the anal area,” Wilson says running towards the slew of armed men then banking off a wall to fling himself right into the center of the mass.”See I cleaned that up. I could have said ass but then people would be all’ Wow that Feral sure does use a lot of profanity in her stories’. Hey slim hold this gun for me would you? Thanks, I prefer a more close up approach when I`m close up,” the katanas leave their scabbards and Wade slices the man holding his gun across the chest.”Gracious muchacha! Where was I? Oh yes, the bad language. See I have no problem saying naughty things like muffburger or blow job, I kinda like to say shit, I mean words like that.”
Mattias has thrown the RPG back over his shoulder since the damage in here would bar them from getting up or eventually, down. His weapon of choice now is a semi-auto that blankets the vestibule killing as fast as he can hold the trigger.
“Good, now that she touched on what Mister Snorfeldangle is doing let me continue my random rant while I gushkt people,” Pool kicks a man in the groin then runs him through.”Ahhhh the gushkt. It is as alluring a sound as a woman calling out while under my thrusting hips ‘ Trix are for kids!!! Trix are for kids!!!”
“Fiona damn it! Get yourself together and tell me which exit will get us to Vasero the fastest,” Nilsson shouts angrily rolling behind a desk then firing around the side of the large metal piece of office equipment.
“<Sniffle> My sides are aching! Sorry boss, let me dry my eyes. Okay, you want to take the stairs since all power to the elevators has just been shut down.
“Skit,” Mattias huffs then stands to strafe the lobby once more but he finds only Wilson standing over a man as he extracts his katana from his head. Wade wipes the blood from the blade then whips it back into its sheath on his wide back.
“See she even went to a Swede to get bad words in Swedish. Oh sure she SAYS it was because she wanted to add realism to this rip roaring tale but if that`s the case then why did she have me running nude across a field of daisies looking AMAZINGLY like Ryan Reynolds? Hmm? I ask you son of Odin WHY!?!”
“That never happened Wilson,” Mattias states with a blond brow arched quite high.
“It didn`t? Are you sure? Mayhap it was a dream of mine then. I DID go see that Wolverine movie. Oh damn, I have to weep in misery again then go find one of them action figures that has its mouth sewn shut. I have special things I do with those, oh yes I do. Which reminds me, can you tell me what the hell is going on?”
“Up the stairs Deadpool,
” Fiona says between rounds of laughter.
“Thanks pumpkin. So you coming or what Sweden,” Wade inquires streaking towards a door marked STAIRS. Mattias sighs deeply then runs to catch up with Wilson.
“Up, <Pant> the, <Pant> steps, <Pant> she, <Pant> said, <Pant>,” Pool wheezes pulling himself up to the fortieth floor of the building. Mattias comes slowly behind him, his Mohawk limp with sweat.”Bet that’s not the only thing he has that’s limp.”
“Fuck. You. Asshole,” Nilsson stumbles past Wilson hanging over the railing gasping for breath. The Swede lays a hand on the locking bar then freezes.”Wade,” he calls and Wilson grunts out a hoarse reply.”Why don`t you go first? I think it will impress Fiona to see you being both funny AND noble.”
The masked head comes up rapidly.”Why thanks Heidi, that`s awful kind of you. Actually since you stole my piece in the jungle I should get all the chances to score in what remains of this,” his red glove shoves the bar. The explosion rockets Wade back down the steps minus a hand and some more spandex.”Dickhead,” Mattias hears Wade whimper softly then he barrels through the ruined portal into a lush corridor. Offices and damned expensive ones at that he notes. He was close he knows so he begins to move along the wall, stopping to kick each door open and enter with the semi-auto held high.
“Boss I`m getting jammed from internal security but before the hack hit a message was sent via the Vaxon inter-office instant message system to the Columbian Army for immediate assistance. You really need to be making a fast move to the roof. I have Ewan already coming back
,” Fiona informs Mattias with worry heavy in her voice.
“Not without Vasero,” the Norseman snarls jogging out of an office that held only a cowering secretary to find Deadpool waiting for him. The punch to his face rocks the Swede a step or two in reverse.
“That was for making me open that rigged door! But what really blows is that was my Cinemax hand and sure I can jack with Senor Lefty but the mother humping rhythm is off,” Wade seethes at the blond with a bloody lip.
“You get back to base Deadpool and I`ll use my right hand.
Wilson takes off like a greased pig, his one good hand tight to Nilsson`s ragged shirt the bald man crashes into the lone door left unopened with his burly shoulder. Vasero greets them with two bodyguards armed to the teeth protecting the very worried executive.
“Kill the shit stain! HURRY,” Deadpool roars tugging a gun out then diving to the left while Mattias leaps to the right. The two death merchants blanket the elite room with hundreds of rounds, as do Vasero`s guards. Mattias rolls across the floor keeping his finger tight to the AK`s trigger while Wade shucks behind an over turned stuffed chair and shoots one man in the kneecap.”Now drop the other stooge so we can off the johnson who poked us in the rectum SO thoughtlessly! I have a hot chick who wants to be my hand for the love of all that’s holy!!!!!!”
Nilsson snaps out a scathing reply in his native tongue then literally saws the man almost in two with the line of his fire. Left alone Hector Vasero now begins to back slowly away from the duo that are now rising from the mangled mess of his office.
“This is all a misunderstanding,” Vasero says finding his back now firm to a wall.
“Really,” Mattias inquires slamming the butt of the AK into the man`s stomach. Vasero doubles over and begins to retch but Wade simple grabs him by the neck and hoists him up. “It seems to me that you meant to double cross us Senor Vasero. A very stupid idea to entertain let me assure you. Now,” the Swede smiles a smile that speaks of death,” Why don`t you give us our money.”
“You won`t kill me if I pay you,” he asks hopefully but rather quietly as Wilson`s meaty left paw is crushing his windpipe.
“Oh we`ll kill you but the death will be less, what`s the word I`m looking for here Wilson,” Mattias queries thoughtfully stroking his thin braids.
“Yeoman,” Pool offers turning his head to peer at Nilsson while squeezing tighter and tighter.
“Hymen. What? I went to school with a Hymen Rabbinowitz. Nice kid, never got much on Christmas though.”
Mattias stares at Wilson for a moment then shakes the pain from his brain.”Painful was what I was going for.”
“Damn! I was going to say that! Right after spatula,” Wade frowns then shakes Vasero soundly for making him fudge up the word game.
“Take…<Gasp> the money! Safe…<Wheeze> behind Monet,” Hector gasps out as his head impacts the wall yet again.
“Monet Monet! So good, Monet Monet! HA! Beat you to that little slice of fourth wall witticism didn`t I Dolores,” Wade puffs out his chest as Fiona can be heard rolling from her computer chair.”And yes readers I said Dolores. Seems the Feral One has run out of Scandinavian girls names to insult the Swede with. I know, I know. Bare with us it`s almost over,” Wade whispers to the side.
“Go open the safe Wilson, I want a word with Senor Vasero,” Nilsson says firmly.
“Yeah that would work but HELLO!! Call me Stumpy remember,” Pool points out with a sneer. Mattias mutters darkly then crosses the room and flings the masterpiece to the floor.”Combination. NOW,” the angry Swede snaps out.”Wilson, you have to let him breath in order for him to relay the combination.”
“Oh. My bad,” Deadpool mutters then eases up on Hector`s esophagus a small bit. Soon the numbers are called out; Nilsson has the safe open and is filling his bag with stacks of hundreds and Wade is dancing about while Vasero`s shoes dangle in the wind.
“Now don`t you feel better fulfilling your obligation to us Senor Vasero,” Mattias asks padding over to look Hector in the eye.
“Ooooo wrong awnser boobalah! The correct reply was ‘Yes oh wise and mighty mercenary who has the sexual stamina of a rhinoceros’. But thanks for playing along and here is your lovely parting gift,” Deadpool growls low and deep moving with such speed the knife is out of the sheath on his thick thigh and Vasero is gutted before Mattias can put a round into the man’s head. The Swede does anyway just for shits and giggles then Wade drops the mess to the floor. Just then the building shakes violently and both men recall the mention of the Columbian Army.
“Poop. That startled me,” Pool says then spins the knife around skillfully.”Yeah, grew it back. Funny how fast I can heal when the writer needs me to.”
“To the roof,” Mattias shouts as another mortar races into the Vaxon facility.
“Do you think this story is about over? I`m really horny,” Wade asks as they beat ass to leather to hurtle up another flight of steps and race to the heli-pad atop the huge building. Nilsson spies his man coming down fast and hot, banking left then right to avoid surface to air. Ewan skims over them then sets down cursing wildly for them to move their asses and now! A wickedly close round hisses past the chopper as Devlin throttles it skyward. The pilot was a skilled one and after another close shave or two they race from Pasto, and Columbia to return to base, Wade`s white ass cheeks the last thing the Columbian Army get`s a peek at as he moons them.
Ewan drops the chopper down amid swaying palm trees and richly filled planters then collapses over the controls.” I need a mother humpin` drink,” the Irishman groans. Mattias claps his pilot`s back soundly then begins to unbuckle himself from the safety belt. His blond hawk rises at the sound of a very excited Australian accent racing to the landing pad.
“Thank God,” Fiona cries running full speed until she comes up beside the whirly bird and stops dead in her tracks.”I lost all contact! I thought you were, well, not living!”
Wade flings the wide back door open and gathers the little redhead into a big embrace as Ewan makes a face at Nilsson. Both men are just waiting for the woman to tug her gun from out of the back of her short skirt and blow Wilson`s nuts off. Instead she wraps her arms around his sinewy neck, tugs his mask off and plants a kiss on him that has Devlin`s jaw on his chest.
“What the hell is goin` on lass,” the befuddled pilot sputters as Wade drops her to her tiny feet after patting her firm butt knowingly.
“I love a man who makes me laugh. Humor makes me hot,” Fiona says keeping her pretty eyes on the scarred man.”Come on Wade, I think I have a hand that you need to borrow.”
“Nope, I grew mine back,” he counters rubbing a weighty breast as they head indoors to her room.”But who am I do deny a woman a feel.”
“<Gasp> Wade! Oh now that’s nothing to laugh at,” Fiona purrs copping a feel through the very tented front of Wilson`s pants. “Let`s run!”
Ewan sits stupefied staring at the two racing inside barely able to keep their hands off each other.
“<Sigh> Women. Wanna hit the scotch whiskey,” he asks of Mattias beside him.
“May as well. As the Vikings said ‘Never be sober while listening to another man getting laid’,” Nilsson smirks a bit.