Why Sues Don't Belong in Hyrule, Light humor; Mary Sue parody.

[Angel Zelda]

Why Sues Don't Belong in Hyrule

Summary: Several Zelda characters find and begin to read a strange fanfic. To their horror, it is a Mary Sue featuring a Link/OC pairing. Chaos ensues.

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, its characters, or its plot; Zelda is owned by Nintendo, more specifically, Shigure Miyamoto.

Author's Note: I'm going for pedal-to-the-metal Mary Sue, so feel free to make suggestions on how to make the Sue more Sueish. By the way, the text in italics is the story that's being read, and anything in regular text is what's going on in reality. Oh, and another thing is that this fic is set a couple of years after the events of Ocarina of Time. It's slightly AU, since, for all intents and purposes of this fic, Link was never sent back in time.


Chapter One

"Hey! What's up with this book?" Malon, who was in the royal library of Hyrule Castle, wondered out loud. She picked up a particular book from one of the many bookshelves and took a long look at the cover.

Malon had good reason to wonder about the nature of the book. It was completely pink, decorated with pale pink lace, and words made out of sequins of a shocking pink color were on the cover of the book.

In short, it looked very out of place compared to the rest of the books in the royal library, and if Malon knew what was contained within the pages of that book, she would have thrown it down onto the floor and ran back to her home at Lon Lon Ranch.

"Did you find something, Malon?" Zelda asked as she walked up to the redhead, Link not far behind her.

"Just this." Malon showed Link and Zelda the book. Zelda looked thoughtful, and Link looked nervous.

"Uh, should that even be read? I mean, that's a lot of pink..." Link's voice trailed off.

Malon raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with pink?"

Link didn't answer. Instead, he looked at the bright pink words on the cover and paled significantly. "Malon! Did you even LOOK at what's written on there?!"

Malon glanced at the cover again. "The title is, 'When Fantasies Become Blissful Reality,' and it's by someone who calls themselves LinksLover101." She grinned. "Link, you better hope this is a girl for your sake."

Link suddenly felt sick. He had a feeling that this book had no good intentions for him.

Zelda frowned. "I say BURN IT!"

Link and Malon turned their heads to stare at Zelda strangely. When someone had the reputation of being a kindhearted and benevolent Princess of Hyrule, one didn't expect them to say things like that.

Ignoring the stares, Zelda continued. "I've heard of this kind of thing. This story is worse than Ganondorf. It's the worst thing to ever occur. It's--"

"Princess! Some time this year, please?"

The three turned around to see Impa walking towards them. And if Zelda was surprised to find that her attendant had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, she didn't show it. Instead, she went on talking.

"It's probably a Mary Sue."

Malon looked confused. "A Mary what?"

"Oh, you know," Impa said, "the unrealistically perfect girl who drops into Hyrule and defeats Ganondorf. And from the sounds of the title and the author's penname, this particular Sue just might be paired with Link here."

"WHAT?!" Zelda cried, her face becoming red.

Link's face, in contrast to Zelda's, was going white. "If that's the case, then I agree with Zelda. Let's burn it."

"No way!" Malon protested, hugging the book to her chest as though it was the most valuable thing in all of Hyrule. "I found it, and I say we read it!"

"Impa!" Zelda rounded onto the Shadow Sage. "Surely you don't think we should read that...that...thing!"

"Zelda, you've spent seven years eluding Ganondorf. I'm sure you can handle whatever is written in that book." So saying, Impa walked to a nearby table with Malon following after her. Link and Zelda followed as well, but it was obvious that they didn't want to.

Once they were all seated around a large, round table, Malon opened the book and began to read.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there wasn't a cloud in the blue sky. But no matter how lovely the day was, it couldn't compare to the beauty of Estella. In fact, nothing could.

"My Sue senses are tingling," Zelda muttered.

Estella had long, waist-length, straight black hair that sparkled in the sun. Her eyes were sliver and her skin was like porcelain. She was so beautiful that everything else paled in comparison.

"Am I the only one," Malon interrupted herself, "who's noticed that this girl used four adjectives to describe her hair? And are silver eyes even possible?"

"She sure likes to talk about herself," Impa mused. She was beginning to wonder if reading this book was a good idea.

But Estella was not happy. The school day had felt like it was taking forever, and her teachers had assigned a lot of homework. Estella let out a wretched sigh. Her whole weekend would be wasted!

"Oh, cry me a river." Zelda rolled her eyes.

If only she had lived during a simpler era, preferably in Hyrule...

Zelda let out an unladylike snort. "You actually WANT to live in a time where some power-hungry mastermind wants to take over the world and actually succeeds in doing that for seven years? Simpler era, indeed!"

Seconds after Estella had that thought, a beam of yellow light shot down from the sky. A person appeared from the light, and Estella saw that he was an old man dressed in flowing robes. She instantly recognized him as Rauru.

"Rauru?" Impa repeated. "What in the name of Din is he doing there?"

"I have heard your wish, young Estella," he said.

Zelda frowned. "Rauru may be the Sage of Light, but even Sages don't have telepathy!"

"It has been said that a mysterious maiden from a distant land is to help the Hero of Time in his quest to save Hyrule. It is time for this prophecy to be fulfilled."

Rauru lifted up his arms and a ball of bright yellow light appeared. It blinded Estella, and the world gave way to blackness.

Link groaned. "Now she's going to Hyrule..."

Zelda nodded grimly. "And by 'helping' you in the quest, she's probably going to take over the spotlight."

"Hey, guys," Malon cut in. "May I continue reading? Thank you."

[Hylian Princess]

LOL Is there not a chapter 2??? I'd like to read the rest, if there is...

I've got one question: Are you enphazising on Zelink in this fanfiction??? I know that it's just the first chapter, but could you show, or show it more???

[Angel Zelda]

Author's Note: Before moving on to chapter two, I would like to reply to Hylian Princess' review (responses to reviews are what I'll probably do this throughout the fic):

Hylian Princess: There will be some subtle (or perhaps not so subtle) Zelinkiness in the story, but at this point, I'm not sure if it will be a major thing. Then again, considering how Estella is going to be paired with Link in the Suefic the characters are reading, well, let's just say that romantic tension between Link and Zelda would be interesting.

To end this author's note, I would like to say thank you to Hylian Princess for reviewing. Now onto chapter two!


Chapter Two

When Estella was able to see again, the first thing she saw was a pair of concerned blue eyes.

"It's not me, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me..."

Zelda sighed. "Link, it most likely is you, no matter how many times you say otherwise."

"Where...am I?" Estella asked quietly.

"In Hyrule Field, miss," said the young man. "Are you hurt?"

"I don't think so." Estella tried to stand, but stumbled slightly. The young man, who looked only a year older than Estella, put an arm around her and helped her walk.

"Link! We have to get to get to the village; remember what Sheik said?" said a voice coming from a flying blue glow with wings that Estella hadn't noticed before.

"How can someone NOT notice Navi?" Link asked in disbelief. "And why do I basically welcome this girl without hesitation and not, say, use the Master Sword on her?"

"Link, it's a Mary Sue," Zelda told him. "And I don't think I like where it's going."

"Yes, Navi, I know," replied the man.

Estella suddenly realized that she truly was in Hyrule.

"A bit slow on the uptake, that one is," Impa remarked.

She looked at her male companion, who had to be none other than...

"Link!" she gasped in wonder.

He smiled at Estella, and the two remained in peaceful silence while walking to the village thingy.

"KAKARIKO! It's called KAKARIKO Village!" Impa suddenly snapped, looking rather miffed.

'She has to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!' Link thought, stealing a glance at Estella. He felt a stir within him, and wondered if he was falling in love.

Malon stopped reading and looked up to see Zelda shaking in anger and glaring daggers at Link, who looked as though he wanted to run away and never look back.

"Link, have you forgotten about me?"

"Zelda, I can't STAND the wench! And not even being sealed in the Sacred Realm for seven years can make me forget about you!"

"I think Zelda just hates the Sue, Link," Impa said.

Malon calmly turned to the next page. "I think there'll be an NC-17 scene later on," she said, ignoring Link's horrified expression and Zelda's look of fury.

[Hylian Princess]

LOL
MOR MORE MORE!!!

Would you prefer more elaborate reviews other than my childish cheering??? I could do that, and it'll be better if I do

[Love_of_Zelda]

LinksLover101 - that's just classic! I will be keeping an eye on this one, Angel Zelda. I have always had a fondness for stories that behead Mary Sue.

[Angel Zelda]

Author's Note: I don't have much to say, but I am thinking of having more characters show up and having them join in the reading. It should be fun to write. Now for the review responses:

Hylian Princess: As a matter of fact, more elaborate reviews would help me, especially if it has suggestions on how I could make the fanfic better, and even suggestions on how I could make Estella more of a Mary Sue.

Love_of_Zelda: I'm pleased that you're enjoying the story, and I like that you think the penname of the Suethor is funny. It really prepares Link for the horror that is his situation in the Suefic, doesn't it?


Chapter Three

It was night when Estella, Link, and Navi made it to the village. They were allowed to stay in one of the houses for the night.

Impa let out an uncharacteristic snort. "As if ANYONE in Kakariko Village would let the likes of this girl sleep in their homes!"

"And how redundant can she get?" Malon asked incredulously. "She's used the word 'night' twice in one paragraph!"

Soon, Navi was asleep, and Estella decided to climb onto the roof. Link followed her.

"Oh, how very convenient," Zelda muttered sourly as Link banged his head against the tabletop.

"Oh, come on, guys. She wouldn't make them get it on right out there on a roof!" Malon tried to reassure the Hero and Princess.

It didn't work. Zelda shrieked through gritted teeth and her hands formed into fists, as though she would have liked nothing more than to take out the wench who dared to try to seduce her man. Link looked a bit green and let out a tiny squeak of fright.

"Continue reading, Malon," Impa said hastily. She was beginning to fear for the sanity of Link and Zelda.

Estella's glorious black hair was even more beautiful than usual with the light of the full moon glinting off of it. It gave her the image of an angel.

"Your hair...I've never seen hair with that color. Where are you from?" Link asked.

"Far away," Estella whispered. Her beautiful sliver eyes began to misten with tears.

"'Misten'?" Malon repeated, doing a double take on the word to make sure she had read it right. "Is there even such a word? Doesn't she mean 'mist'?"

"Normally, Mary Sues either can't use grammar correctly or spell to save their lives. Sometimes both," Impa explained. "Although I am surprised that it's taken this long for her to misspell something."

"It was so hard there. If I hadn't been brought here--" Estella never got to finished the sentence as beautiful crystal tears spilled down her face.

"So even her TEARS are beautiful?" Zelda rolled her eyes.

Link pulled Estella into a hug and soon her tears subsided. She knew at that moment that he was the one who she loved and who she wanted to spent eternity with. And somehow, Estella knew Link felt the same way.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Impa exclaimed. "She's only known him for a day at most! For all she knows, he could be a convicted rapist!"

"HEY!"

"Link, I didn't say you actually WERE."

[Hylian Princess]

To be honest, this'll be my first review I actually had to write out about a fanfic.

Well... I believe that the way you write your texts, it is written in a way that makes it believable, for example, I can picture Link banging his head on a table, since he can be foolish at times, and to bang one's head on such hard wood surface is hilarious! In all, I thought that it was a well-described text, but there's just one thing I noticed: Such time period where the Legend of Zelda takes place has a rather more formal and distinct tone and vocabulary. I'm not on the same page as you when Impa says "convicted rapist" :shivers:. They did not have such a word back then, I believe. Perhaps you could start by adding more sophisticated words in which Impa, Link and Zelda may pronounce. Malon can keep the more current tone, in my opinion.

Estella could become more of a Mary Sue if she were to act more flirtacious instead of innocent. Of course, she might not TOTALLY act flirty towards Link. When she started crying, I felt like she was a innocent little rat, but she didn't seem to focus on Link too much, until he hugged her :throws up:
I think now would be the best time to kick the flirtacious engine of Estella, for it will also affect Link and Zelda much more...

..
...
....
..... How was that???

[Love_of_Zelda]

May I recommend "Murdering Mary-Sue" by "Cei-Ellem?"

http://cei-ellem.deviantart.com/art/Murder...ry-Sue-83556824

It is both a terrific and hilarious read - time will fly by! I definitely think you can make "Estella" WAAAY worse as far as Mary Suedom goes!

[Angel Zelda]

Author's Note: Just so you know, I may not update as frequently as I have been, because I'm going back to school next week. With that said, let's get down to business:

Hylian Princess: Your review was good, don't worry about that. About Estella, I know what you mean about making her more flirty; I was going to do that anyway. The problem is having Estella be more flirtatious without making myself nauseous. About the dialect of Link, Zelda, and Impa, do you mean make them sound more formal and/or old-fashioned? I get that actual medieval people did talk more formally, but I suppose I make Link, Zelda, and Impa sound more modern because that's kind of how they are in the game (or rather, Zelda and Impa, because Link almost never talks), at least, that's the impression I get (in fact, I think the most formal/old-fashioned-speaking character in the game is the Great Deku Tree). I'll try to make the characters sound more formal, but I'm not sure it will last, since they'll be driven into insanity sooner or later.

Love_of_Zelda: Thanks for the link; I'll be sure to look into that.


Chapter Four

The next morning, Estella and Link made their way to the graveyard.

"Wait a minute, Malon," Link interrupted suddenly. "Where is Navi in this?"

"Sues will normally ignore, dismiss, or skip over characters they deem irrelevant to their stories," Impa explained.

"So Navi has conveniently disappeared, and will remain this way for goddesses know how long," Zelda mused dryly.

"Looks to me that the gravekeeper is dead and we have to go down his grave," Estella said to Link silkily.

"Estella, you don't have to go down there with me. Who knows what creatures are in that grave," Link told her, taking her hand.

Zelda glared but said nothing, while Link was wondering how in Hyrule did the cheap imitation of him in the story knew Estella's name.

Estella giggled. "Oh, Link, it's so sweet of you to worry, but I'm sure I'll be fine." She fluttered her ridiculously long eyelashes.

"She is admitting that there is something about herself that is downright foolish and not altogether flawless?" Zelda exclaimed in mock surprise.

"Will wonders never cease?" Impa added sarcastically.

Link resisted the urge to swoon,

"I DO NOT SWOON!" Link shouted.

and soon the gravekeeper guy's grave was moved...what was his name again?

"It is not that difficult to remember Dampé's name," Zelda said. "It is, after all, only five letters."

"Well, when someone's IQ is smaller than their shoe size, things like that tend to happen," Malon responded, ignoring the odd looks her remark had earned her. "Now let me continue."

Anyways, Estella and Link jumped through the hole that the grave revealed.

Estella wrinkled her nose cutely as she took in her surroundings. She could not believe that the inside of the grave was so smelly and yucky and damp and dirty and ugly and

Malon looked up from the page. "This goes on for three pages! Can I skip it?" To say that no one objected would have been like saying Estella was a Mary Sue--it would have been stating the obvious.

Impa looked thoughtful. "If that kind of thing was three pages long, imagine how long a death scene would be."

"A death scene?" Link echoed, looking hopeful. "Do you mean to say it is possible that the wench will die?"

"My apologies, Link, it was just an idea."

Link groaned; Zelda looked at him in sympathy.

Then the ugly gravekeeper dude told Link he had to race against him if he wanted to keep his most prized possession.

Estella rolled her eyes and stepped forward. No way would Link have to run through all those dark tunnels!

The gravekeeper guy took one look at Estella and was immediately enchanted by her loveliness.

"Oh, would he?" Zelda asked rhetorically. "For I have the impression that Dampé would not touch this wench with anything but a shovel."

"You have to admit, it is funny." Malon grinned.

"On second thought, you can have my treasure now," he said. The treasure chest with the Hookshot appeared as the dead guy disappeared.

Link hugged Estella happily.

The REAL Link was now rubbing his arm furiously, as if the mere idea disgusted him.

"You know," Malon said thoughtfully, "all this time, and Link has yet to go to the Forest Temple."

"And I am certain that Estella will defeat Phantom Ganon in a single move or turn him good or something completely ridiculous as that," Zelda grumbled.

[Hylian Princess]

I found that chapter very intersting. It did sound more formal, and I felt as though I had to keep reading. With every chapter, I grow more and more sympathetic for the poor Hero of Time, and he must really dislike her...

I don't wish to steal your thunder here, but your story was the first fanfic I ever read, since I wanted to read something amusing because I was feeling down. Now, I want to write my own fanfiction, but I'm not sure if I should post it here. I just thought about it not long ago, so I haven't started writing much...
So I was wondering, was tense or "time" would it be best to write in, but I've only had major practice with past tense... Which would seem best?

[Angel Zelda]

Author's Note: I'm SO sorry for not updating until now. I've spend the last few weeks getting back into the groove of school, and I admit to having writer's block for this chapter (when I actually remembered to think of this fic, anyway...). But I'm here now. *grins sheepishly*

Hylian Princess: I'm glad you found the last chapter interesting, and you'll have more reason to feel sorry for our favorite Hero (and Princess, and Shadow Sage, and ranch girl) after this chapter. And about your fanfic, I think you ought to go with past tense if you're more comfortable with it.


Chapter Five

Estella pulled away from Link's embrace to look into his eyes. They were a bright, vivid blue, and Estella felt as though she could be lost in them forever.

"Fancy that this is sounding like a corny romance novel," Zelda commented.

"I can only imagine it," Link muttered. "It would be called, 'The Silly Wench and the Hero Who Preferred a Princess.'"

Zelda blushed at that.

As though he had read her mind, Link suddenly pressed his lips to hers, and Estella was no more eager.

Link suddenly screamed as though he had been burned. Zelda looked torn between shocked disbelief and absolute fury. Impa was shaking her head, looking sympathetically at the Hero and Princess.

"Wait, they're in a GRAVE, aren't they?" Malon said, ignoring the green color Link's face had acquired. "Nice place to make out," she added sarcastically, then continued reading.

Soon--all too soon for either of their liking--they broke apart, gasping. That kiss had been magical.

Feeling more certain than she had ever been, Estella's beautiful silver eyes met Link's crystal blue ones. "I'm ready."

Malon paused, and her eyes widened. "Would anyone mind if I skip this part, for sanity's sake?" The others nodded, a feeling of dread settling into them as they realized what was happening.

Her face becoming paler with each second, Malon skimmed the pages for an end to the graphic content unfit for ears to hear, all the while muttering to herself. "Link, what a dog you are...is that even physically possible...good goddesses, inside a GRAVE, of all places..." Malon suddenly gasped, her face turning a pale shade of green. She jumped from her seat, threw the horrid pink thing called a book down onto the table, and ran out of the room.

Zelda was breathing hard and fast through her nose, her fists clenched, though she looked as though she wanted to burst into tears. Link was whimpering and rubbing his face with his hands, apparently wanting to get rid of any horrible mental images. Impa, looking stony-faced, cautiously picked up the book in Malon's place.

After skipping about ten pages, Impa looked up, her face expressionless. "That had to have been the vilest thing I have ever seen put on paper."

By this time, Link had let his head fall onto the table, and Zelda looked like she was trying to calm herself down.

"Is it over?" Malon, who had reappeared into the library, asked weakly.

"Yes, it is," Impa assured her. "You have done enough reading, Malon; I will take over for the present."

Malon nodded and took her seat.

Estella and Link made it to the end of the forest meadow thingy.

"It is called the Sacred Forest Meadow," Link said, his voice muffled slightly due to his head still being on the table. Zelda tried to console him.

A weird dude in spandex suddenly appeared and started talking to Link about time and memories and blah blah blah.

Estella rolled her eyes. It was SO obvious that he was really Zelda.

"Oh, dear, was it?" Zelda asked sarcastically. "Amazing how I managed to fool Ganondorf for seven years!"

[Love_of_Zelda]

This was delightful - the whole sex scene was the best. Reminds me of the good old Phantom of the Opera days when the twelve year olds all wrote sex scenes and obviously didn't know what they were talking about LOL

I would like to show you a sentence that felt a bit awkward:

"That had to have been the vilest thing I have ever seen put on paper."

It felt awkward because the first part of the sentences is a bit wordy and states in the past. Perhaps "This has to be the most vile..." or something along those lines might sound better? Your choice, of course. :-)

[Hylian Princess]

Ewww.... How long has she known him again??? Totally unexpected... :up-chucks:

Interesting again, and the sex thing was... well, it doesn't suit my taste to add a little sprinkle or even a whole bucket of sex-talk and all, but it's appropriate if you want to make a Mary Sue appear suish and very perverted... Good touch.

Estella is a total _&%$#_ !!! And Fairy-tale Link is too.

I think that Zelda is, naturally, a more controlled and calm girl in nature, so if you want to write about her hair starting to spring up from it's perfect self, in total disgust and outrage, than I believe that still showing somehow that Mary Sues, especially when it involves her dearest Link, can make Zelda go insane. You may want to have someone comment about how she's loosing it. Just my thinking...