My Personal Sitcom??, Speak up!

[Dirty Harry]

I have the most embarassing one.

I shat myself. Like, literally. Shat my pants.

I forgot to go toilet. I felt urge at bad time. I ran to toilet. Premature release.

Very messy. Clean up. Felt like crap. *funny, it was crap*

And so, I went home and showered, and got rid of shit. By God that was bad.

No-one except my parents knew. AND NOW YOU DO TOO! I'm warning you...

[CrazygurlMadness]

Oh. Don't worry. I once barfed on a tram in a foreign country. I got off as soon as they stopped. It was right next to the driver too...

I dressed up as Jack Sparrow for Halloween! Complete with corsair boots and sexy bandana! The only change in the costume was that the collar had to be sown a bit higher, because I, unlike Johnny Depp, cannot afford to show my chest.

Here's one from last Friday:

A guy from my old high school (let's call him "Starr") has a rather deep voice, but he can change his registry and make really high-pitched sounds. In fact, he can imitate the laugh of a little girl extremely well, but only if it's really loud.

Anyway, I was sitting with Starr, "Vince", "Slim", Guy and "Phil", guys whom I've known since high school and who all attend my college now, and Starr was sitting a bit further away from us. The entrance hall was actually quite bustling at the time, but we had hogged all the chairs for our own selfish purposes.

That's when Guy turns to Starr and asks, "Hey, do that laugh thing."

Starr goes, "Are you kidding, man? That's dumb shit."

Slim suggests, "Pretend that Guy did it."

When the rest of us plead with him, Starr rolls his eyes.

And then, he lets out the loudest girly laughing shriek you can imagine.

Slim, Vince, Guy, Phil and I were bent over with laughter, while a complete silence falls over the entrance hall. Everyone kept looking in our direction in a what-the-f*ck sort of way.

Amazing stuff.

That's when Vince asks him to do it again.

And Starr, once he is assured that everyone is back to their normal conversations, lets out another girly shriek. Shockingly, this time he is chorused by Guy, who also has a knack for the sound.

The silence was twice as stunned.

My sides still hurt thinking about it.

[Dirty Harry]

Lol.

I actually can do pretty good British accents. And I can hit falsetto and high register. I feel proud.

Once, there was a guy in my class that was pissing the FUCK right out of me. As a guy, I shall swear. It is only natural, when you live in Australia.

So we're in the middle of class, and he's just talking and talking and talking and pissing the shit out of me. So I yell at him, in front of whole class, "**** Shut up!" **** for anonymity's sake.

And everyone's looking at me. He quietens down. Then afterward, he starts up again. And I yell the same thing at him. And he got sent outside. And I wasn't in trouble. Isnt' that cool?

[gr33n_sl33ves]

Hah, nice! I had a similar experience in grade school, except it was a girl who sat next to me, and she kept stabbing me in the leg with a pen for some reason. And instead of yelling at her, I punched her in the face and knocked her clear out of her desk. And unlike you, I was in detention for a month ^-^;;

[CrazygurlMadness]

Annoying people deserve punishment.

Yesterday (yes, yesterday), I got my vengeance on one of the guys who had bullied me verbally during elementary.

Let's call him Greg for now.

Greg was the king of my elementary school. His word was law, and you didn't disagree with him. EVER. He was the one who could kick the soccer ball the farthest, okay? You don't mess with the kid who can kick the soccer ball the farthest. Especially if he's cute and the cousin of the bitch-posse, whose power was undeniable.

I, on the other hand, was everything Greg was not. A girl, for starters, an awful soccer player, and I was actually smart. That is to say, my grades were generally the highest of the level. I always got prizes and everything. This caused me to be alienated from just about ever social group. I could get into this in detail, but that's a waste of time. Fact is, I was a reject, because I actually had excellent grades in everything. In third grade.

Because of this, I was the obvious and best target for mockery and bullying. I was a crybaby back then, too, so you can guess how defenceless I was. I grew a spine afterwards, upon changing schools, but back then, I was at the mercy of Greg and his even harsher cousin.

Things stayed at what would seem like a statu quo for roughly eight years. I never expected a change to come around, and so resolved to push those embarrassing years to the back of my mind. I had friends now, good ones, and I had become rather attractive, if I do say so myself, and my life was good.

I come into French class at my new college with a friend. The teacher calls us out to find out who chose to skip the first class of the session.

And he calls my name. A guy turns around. His face is thin, a bit bony, with a most ridiculous haircut. I ignore him.

Until the teacher calls his name and I find out he is Greg.

Well, I consider. Look what time has done for us both, Greg. You've remained a moron (who stopped doing sports and started smoking weed), and even became ugly. I, on the other hand, am hanging out with more (attractive and fun) friends, including guy friends, than you could ever hope to know, and have lost my baby fat, and have remained smart.

I chose not to bother with greeting him. I was still unsure if he actually recognized me, and if he deliberately ignored me, whatever, it was his loss. I was glad, even, to ignore him and live my life. Like bullies could ever have their hold on me again. Hah!

Yesterday, I come in with two friends (HI, PROJECT BOY! I HEART YOU!) and hurry to get the teacher's approval for my writing assignment plan, so that the three of us can scram as fast as possible.

"Hey, CM," I hear someone call. I turn. Lo and behold. If it isn't my childhood bully. "Can I see your plan for a sec'?"

Sure, bastard. For five seconds, so that you can't copy on me like you tried to do during our earlier years.

I smile at him prettily. "Sure." I hand my plan to him.

He hands it back almost immediately, and turns to return to his place. Whoa, cold son of a...

He turns back to me. "So, uh," he smiles a smile that would have been handsome if I had ever cared for him, "do you remember me?"

I grin back, knowing that he broke before me. "Yeah. I was wondering who would break in first and talk to the other. Turns out it wasn't me."

He looked a bit taken-aback. Can you blame him? The CM he used to know grew a spine and a nice bod'. Which, I thought to myself as I caught up with my two guy friends, he will never, ever, ever get to know personally.

VICTORY TO THE BULLIED NERDS!!

[Dirty Harry]

Hmm. Hot nerds. Damn, I'm jealous of the guys at your school. Sorry. I just don't socialise a lot.

Well, let me say...sitcom, sitcom...

Come to think of it, we were doing soap operas. And I was suppoed to be the guy looking a girl up.

Now, poor, naive, innocent I, is very inexperienced in these things. I spent half the lesson learning how to look a girl up. I failed miserably. Remind me to cry.

[gr33n_sl33ves]

It could have been worse. You could have crapped your pants while trying to look a girl up.

Oh, here’s something sitcomy! In grade 8 at my school, everyone had to take this sex-ed course. Being that we were all 12-14 year olds, it was all really mortifying. It didn't help that the sex-ed teacher (who was either a really butch lady, or a very girly man, I'm still not too sure) went and handed out condoms to everyone at the beginning of the class. And showed us, with a wooden model, how to put them on x_x
The most embarrassing part, however, was when he/she was explaining some of the workings of the male genitalia, it pulled out a book to show us pictures of what it was talking about. And instead of a biology book, like everyone expected, it pulled out, and I kid you not, a pop-up book. I'm sure you can use your own imagination to guess what exactly was popping up >_<

[CrazygurlMadness]

FUNNIEST POST EVER.

Our Bio teacher (a man, no doubt about it) once took out a condom and said, "Alright guys. Now let's go over the facts, shall we? Condoms are never too small for you. No one," he puts four fingers into the condom and stretches it to, like, twenty inches of diameter, "is as large as this." When everyone's eyes bulged at the possibilities, he adds, "Therefore, ladies, do not listen to a smartass who is trying to have unprotected sex with you because his dick is too large. It is impossible. Also, I assure you there are no bedroom legends in this school."

This last bit, of course, lead to a lot of questions.

[Dirty Harry]

From who may I ask? If you would be so kind as to give me names, and descriptions, so I may laugh with my vivid imagination.

Oh yes. Now, I need somethign that says my post is the most disgusting post ever.

We also had a sex ed class. It was all about NOT HAVING SEX. Isn't that a joy? Not really, but anyway. So, here we all are, and they're telling us, condoms can't protect you from everything, there are some diseases that oyu just can't avoid.

And, mind, we're watching a very clear power point presentaiton. Click.

Up comes a massive picture of a male genital. Complete with genital warts. Same with a female genital. And another for thrush or syphillis. I was so scarred, I can't remember the rest.

Oh, and we were watching a film in Indonesian the other day.

*in Indo*

"Hey, have you been circumcised yet?"

"Uhh, yeah..."

"Can I check?"

"Huh? Are you crazy?"

"If you don't have it cut, you'll get into trouble."

"Fine..."

At this point, one of the males drops his pants, and we can see it sticking out. Then the other guy drops his pants. We can see it sticking out too. Embarassing. Co-ed classes. Makes me laugh.

[CrazygurlMadness]

We just had Biology classes. No sex-ed. They assumed we were smart enough to know better. Meh. Fact is, no one from my high school ever had problems with their sexual life. Usually, it shows in their general attitude, but there was nothing to signal.

There was one of my ex-friends who became a nympho, but that had nothing to do with sex-ed. She was just mentally unstable from the start.

Actually, she's the only one I know from my high school whose sex life might endanger the rest of society. Everyone else (including good ole Jing) knew better than to sleep around like a sl*t with people they didn't know. Which, you know, is a relief.

In fact, one minute she's all 'stupid guys and their d*cks', and the very next day, after sleeping with a guy for the first time in her life she's like, 'hm, d*cks'. And started hitting on every guy within a forty mile range.

I was actually impressed that most guys didn't jump at the occasion. Most of them just shoved her off in annoyance and proclaimed she was carrier of some unspeakable disease.

To quote a guy friend of mine, 'There's something wrong with girls who want sex so much that their libido is more overpowering than my own. And that's a lot of libido.'

Gotta love my chums.

[gr33n_sl33ves]

XD


A couple of months ago, I was at a restaurant with Elle, Emma and her fiancé "Will". We were celebrating how he proposed and everything. Anyway, we'd ordered our food and such, and were waiting around and talking, when Will starts making orgasm moans. Elle gave him a "what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you" look, while Emma went beet red (Will apparently does this all the time in public, making orgasm noises, because when he hugs Emma in public, she'll sometimes jokingly yell out "rape." Yes, I know, my friends are demented). And me? I started making orgasm noises too. We actually got kinda loud, and other people were looking at us funny, but we were sitting in a booth and Will and I were sitting next to the wall, while Emma and Elle were on the outside, so everyone was looking at them, thinking they were the ones making all the noise XD

[CrazygurlMadness]

OMG. My friends do that all the time!!! It's so embarrassing sometimes!

My friend (Project Boy, for those who know who he is... ) constantly answers class questions. Except since he looks so calm and laid-back, nobody expects him to say the dumb stuff that he says.

He also has the habit of saying that dumb stuff, then turning around to a random person and asking them what the hell is wrong with them, thus drawing the attention away from him and onto an innocent bystander.

[gr33n_sl33ves]

Way to shift the blame XD

Usually, when my brother comes home, he'll yell out a hello to anyone in the house. But this one time he didn't, so I yelled down to him, "Oh no! There's a stranger in the house!" in this overdramatic voice. And he answers back, equally overdramatic, with, "But it is not a stranger! It is I! Woosh! Your brother!"

He's a pain in the ass mostly, but he does have his moments

[CrazygurlMadness]

Yeah, seriously. My brother (he's younger than me) is usually wrapped up in his own world, as I am in mine, but there are times, when the parents aren't around and we have to mind the house on our own, where I swear it's like we're twins.

I know that sounds weird, but my brother and I have never had a single argument. We had moments where we were exasperated, but, in our family, we usually let problems get resolved over time, so I never had a fight or an argument with him.

EVER.

Creepy, huh?

And sometimes, we just sit and talk about anything and everything. Usually at random hours of the day (like seven in the morning, while eating breakfast, or eleven at night, when the parents are asleep). If the parents are there, we're apathetic and everything, but it's like we have this secret complicity that comes out when no one else can hear us.

I really love my brother (in a sibling way, please. Nothing scandalous there). He's really mature and smart and really stupid at the same time.

And every conversation I have with him pretty much turns out to be a sitcom moment.

Other strange conversations involving my family can be summed by:

"CM, go clean your room. I can't pass the vacuum if you don't."
"I'll do it myself, mom."
"Clean. Your. Room."
"Alright, I will."
"Or I won't take you to the bookstore."
"Oh my god. Is that a threat?"
"No. It's a promise."

Yes. Anyone who read the first chapter of Privateer now knows where that argument I wrote for Link and Zelda came from.

[gr33n_sl33ves]

The other day at work I was designing a flyer for a coworker, so I asked her to send me a picture, which they did, and then I sent them a sample of the thing so she could check to see that everything was how they wanted it. She came back a little while later, saying that everything was fine, except that it was the wrong picture. I told her that that was the picture she sent me, so she went back to her office to send the right picture. Only it's the same one as she sent before. So then I go to her office, and tell her what she did. She had recently dyed her hair blonde, so I said that maybe it was a blonde moment that made her do that, and I told her to think brunette and send me the right picture. And she tells me that in a moment she's going to be thinking red-head and kicking my ass XD