Hi! I am requesting someone here to give me some feedback on this chapter that I wrote as a re-write for OoT. I don't like it a lot, but I didn't know how to progress the plot in the manner I'd thought of, so I need a bit of feedback as to whether it sounds natural or not. So voila-enjoy! Or not.

Chapter 3

The Big City

The castle could be glimpsed, miles off, a massive monolith testament to the ingenuity of the Hylians and the might commanded by the Royal Family. Link, on foot, toiled closer and closer to the Castle; he kept to the paths to avoid the wild monsters, and the spinning blades of wild Peahats as they rose from the ground to defend their nests.

By night, he and Navi rested, managing to scavenge food from the shrubs of the sleeping nests of Peahats. But at night, there were other dangers to worry about. The Stalchild, for example.

“Navi, how many more?” Link yelled, grasping his blade, and sidestepping underneath the swinging claws of one of the skeletal beings. He thrust upward, slashing through bone and rotten flesh, then twisted the blade, breaking the decaying organs of the zombie-like creature. It fell forward, dead, and Link jumped away from it, ramming one of the Stalchild he hadn’t scene in the process.

“Oh. Hi!” Link grinned, rolling off the Stalchild, then called out to Navi again. “C’mon Navi, how many more do I have to kill?”

“Only another five hundred, dear!” Navi shrieked. The hordes of creatures were endless, and their idiotic attacks and slow movements were overcompensated by their huge numbers. Gritting his teeth, Link steeled himself for a hard night of fighting.

Link ran forward, popping a few berries into his mouth to settle his grumbling stomach. He munched happily on the juicy fruit, then jumped, and planted two feet on the Stalchild’s chest, kicking it into a group of its kin. Link swallowed, and revitalised, raised his blade, and spun, slashing through another two in the process.

He kicked one onto its back, and sprang forward, holding blade high and ready-

-and paused. He couldn’t bring it down to kill it. He could do it thoughtlessly, if he didn’t pay attention, but in a moment like this, when he stared down a creature, and readied himself to kill it, he just couldn’t.

The moment of indecision nearly cost him his life; the Stalchild crumbled, and Link lost his balance, falling on his face. Crawling onto his knees, he spotted a Stalchild in front of him, claw held high, ready to slash-

-and the rooster crowed the dawn of the day. The herald of the sun crowed, and Link rose, watching as the whole crowd of Stalchild bowed and crumbled to the sun, their victor. Link walked away from his defeated opponents, waiting for the gates of Hyrule castle to open, the bridge to lower, and the people of the city to awake.


“Wow! So many things! So little rupees...” Link sighed, looking at the meagre savings he had from gathering items in the Lost Woods. They barely amounted for him to buy anything, be it food, water, weaponry or anything else. Spotting a small puppet show Link approached them, watching as the little children were entertained by a fat man in a green suit, calling himself “Tingle” as he waved around small sticks with cloth attached to them, his “puppets” and recounted stories of men in green, blue and red.

It was a fascinating tale; many people fought battles, and heroes, villains and a myriad of other characters were brought to life by Tingle’s performance, and the dancing puppets entranced Link’s imagination until the stories jumped from the stick puppets and their primitive dances to great warriors who strode across a battlefield, their swords laced with blood and fire.

“Alright, kids! Thirty rupees for the show! C’mon, pay up!” A man in white held out a bowl, prompting the mothers of the children to reluctantly hand over the money to pay for the show.

Oh, thought Link. I have no money. Oh. Oh shit.

“C’mon kid, where’s your money!” the man in white shook his fist at Link, demanding his payment for the show. Link desperately searched into his pockets to find some rupees, but to no avail; he had no rupees to pay the man with.

“Wait, I’ll pay for him.” a girl, blonde-haired with sparkling emerald eyes held out a large purple rupee, shoving it towards the man in white. “There’s no need to get upset, now, is there?”

The girl’s words, of course, didn’t reach the man’s ears. The lust for money (or in this case, rupees) overtook him; in a second he was reaching for her, grabbing her arm, and demanding her to pay him more.

“You look like a rich little girl- mayhap you could spare a few rupees for this poor band of performers here, aye?” the man’s words seemed polite, but the desperation in his voice and the cold edge of greed was suddenly evident in his voice and in his eyes.

“Let go of me!” the girl said, annoyed, trying to pull her hand from his grasp, but to no avail. “Here, have you money!”

Rupees scattered over the floor, and a blue-clothed man bent to pick the money up, yet his accomplice still did not let the girl go. Tingle suddenly seemed worried, and he stood up, as if to attempt to defuse the situation. Unfortunately, he was a bit late...

“Let her go.” Link’s voice sounded nervous, even to himself, and against an adult, he didn’t know what he could do.

But...he thought to himself. I can’t just sit here and watch them do...what are they doing?

To be honest with himself, Link did not really know. His simple mind only knew that what the man in white was doing was wrong, and wrong was something Link had not learned to tolerate.

Link had only just reached for his sword hilt, when he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck. Grunting, as the world faded and consumed itself with darkness, he closed his eyes, and fell into a painful slumber.


When Link came to, he was sitting in an abandoned alleyway, on a dirty, dishevelled heap of rags. The blonde girl, her emerald eyes staring at his in concern. It was then that the pain that Link could feel suddenly exploded, spreading through his body until he felt every nerve burn with a raging cold fire.

“Ah!” the first instinct Link had was to cry out loud; a broken piece of glass reflected a bloody face; black eyes and bleeding lips were just some of the injuries scattered across his face. The girl gasped; she produced a cloth soaked in water to wash the wounds, and dabbed them across his face gently.

“Thanks...” Link could only murmur, and then coughed; blood began to flow freely from his lip again. Groaning in pain, Link reached for his waist to check if the Kokiri Emerald was still under his belt. Thankfully, it was still hooked in between his belt and tunic, hiding it from prying eyes. “What happened?”

“After you stood up, the man in pink smacked you in the back of the head with a plank. You fell, and the other two, except for Tingle, began to beat you up.” the girl looked away suddenly, as though she couldn’t bear to see his face. “To think...that you did all this for me, to ensure my safety...thank...”

“Don’t mention it!” a high-pitched squeal erupted from inside Link’s tunic. Navi floated out, materialising in front of Link and his newfound friend. She glowed brightly, then flew around Link’s battered body, examining his wounds. “Oh, you really went and did it to yourself this time, didn’t you?”

Link struggled to support himself, propping himself up with his elbows. As the girl dabbed his face, he asked her questions about herself.

“What’s your name?”

“Esmerelda. What’s your’s?”

“Link.” Link winced a little as she dabbed a particularly painful spot. “Don’t mind me.”

“Are you from around here?”

“Where’s here?”

“Hyrule Castle. Are you from around here?”

“No.”

“Where’d you come from?”

“None of your business.”

The flow of conversation ceased, and the girl continued her work in silence. Link, meanwhile, reminisced upon a life that seemed to have disappeared in but a moment, and suddenly recalled the one memento of that life that had left. Quickly, he drew out Saria’s ocarina; yet when he drew it out, the mouthpiece fell off, leaving the instrument in two uneven pieces.

“No!” Link cried out, looking at the broken souvenir of a girl he’d called ‘Mother’. He cradled the wooden treasure, the last reminder in his long journey, and let his tears flow as he realised that he had lost something that was most dear to him.

Esmerelda? *blink* Not Zelda? :blink:

I thought it was a rather good rewrite. I like how you show Link pausing to kill, and the emotion over his broken ocarina. It made me want to go comfort him. *runs to hug chibi Link :link: *

My story involves a very complicated version of Zelda. There are three. Not two. Beware. :D

3 faces of Zelda? :huh: Oooohhh, wait, okay, I see what you're doing. Esmerelda is the commoner, Zelda the Princess, And Sheik the ninja, am I correct? :D

Oh no! She has seen through my illustrious plan! Think KH a little more...

. . . Zelda has a Nobody?! *is excited* Zelda meets Kingdom Hearts!!!! :yay:

Hee...getting warmer. The idea is similr to KH, yet different. You will see. :D

Actually had a fic with this kinda idea in it. Link's nobody was Dark Link, and he had an "Anti-Form" as well as a metal claw. :D

I love that story :P it's very well writen out. :thumbs:

I shall take a guess

Is Emesrelda basicly the other half *or third :P* of Zelda as Emesrelda does not know anything of her over forms just like Roxas in KH and i have noticed you did quite the same thing with KH2 :P (Roxas = Sora with a x)(Emesrelda = Emeszelda!) replace the r with a z :)

Wow! So close Linky-kun!

Hmm...well, actually, hmm...it's like a bit of a multiple personality disorder. Though I'm seriously considering just simplifying the whole thing and just making it a bunch of disguises. :D

Esmerelda just came from Emerald Eyes. I though of Zelda and emeralds and that's what came into my head. ^_^

=D oh darn i was so close. <_<

But i would of though that since it's like sora and roxas of the name it would be like that :P but yet for her Emerald Eyes it's a really cool name to call her "Emesrelda"