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 Die Hardest: Buggy! Norris and the Rehab of Doom
On a scale of five to ten, how awesome is this epic, lol?
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Ten [ 6 ]  [100.00%]
Total Votes: 6
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Iro the Dude
Posted on May 15 2011, 10:43 PM

Spirit of Iron

Group: Members
Posts: 150
Member No.: 130
Joined: 9-October 10

user posted image

*Cue your STAR WARS introductory theme*

(All right, first thing's first, X.I.A. Film Recordings, Inc. is on a very tight budget. Economy's not in the greatest shape, and we're all hurting here. So, unfortunately, our orchestra walked out on us in favor of participating in some Thor movie. Oh yeah, so did the editing folks. So... yeah, hey, we're not going to blatantly rip off the intro credits crawl.)

The rehabilitation center rested peacefully on the street between one location and another. From time to time, the occasional person would check in for whatever reason, requiring the help of one Doctor (his parents weren't going to let him be anything else; he really wanted to be a rock n' roll icon back in the fifties, but unfortunately, that didn't work out so well). Doctor was a charismatic old man, liked by many, hated by a few really bitter folks. He had the ability to cure his patients by slicing them apart (emotionally, that is) and (metaphorically) peeling away at their problems until his patients were shriveled up in the corner of the office rocking back and forth in the fetal position (in a good way, though). Anyway, so he did this as a living. He made decent profit (and, I guess, thought it was amusing), as people end up having their fair share of problems to deal with.


*Scene 1: The Rehabilitation Center. Cue Xinlo, Venom, Nuara, and filler patients*

Doctor took a sip from his drink, noticing an odd but familiar taste. He looked at the cup, which wasn't his traditional mug that read "World's Greatest Person Named Doctor!" (he really didn't have much to brag about), but rather a bluish grey flask (poor old guy, he's losing his mind). He shook his head distastefully at Xinlo, a "recovering" alcoholic. He scratched the back of his balding head and gave an impatient sigh. He was on his last day before retirement. He looked at the clock with a frantic expression hidden in his eyes. Stroking his beard, he finally gave acknowledgment to the existence of the group as a whole. There was Xinlo, Venom (a druggie in his heart of hearts), Nuara (we don't know what her problem is... nor are we going to try to figure it out [I think it was a rough childhood, though]). There were two Matoran patients with unknown diseases. One seemed perfectly normal, but his friends convinced him he needed help with something, though he had no idea what was wrong with him. The other had never been seen before. Doctor's receptionist had no idea who he was, other than the fact that he stated that his name was "Nŏtwheićr'asosiat." (Yes, that's an accented 'c'. No, I don't know how you put stress on a consanent without looking dumb.)

"So, I guess you might be wondering why I decided to have all of you show up at once," Doctor said at last.

"There are other people here?" Venom replied, astounded by such a concept. He squinted his bright orange eyes at Xinlo for about thirty seconds, trying to decipher the blue/black blur that was in front of him. "There are."

"Hey," Xinlo slurred drowsily. "I am a Toa. And if you can't see me, I may just have to teach you a... a... what teachers teach. A lecture. No. I don't know." At the sight of Venom blinking, he threw his chair at the wall behind Doctor, the seating device shattering upon impact. "You can't do that!" he yelled drunkenly. "You... you... no. You can't do that, and that can't be done by you." Not knowing of his actions being so offensive, Venom blinked once more, trying to see the magical invisible pink unicorn that was screaming at him. "You must want to fight like no thing," the Toa of Sonics snapped. "Well, I'll learn you to isnult me, you... sick person... beast... whatever insult you want to come up with. (He actually said this. No, I don't know why. Well, he's obviously not in the mental state to think of a real insult, now is he?)"

The second Matoran rolled his eyes and crossed his arm. As an oh-so-obvious nonantagonist, he broke out his superfly cellular device and pressed a few buttons. After a couple of minutes, which pretty much involved nonsense screaming between Xinlo, who took every movement that Venom made as an offensive gesture, and Venom, whose brain could not take the bombardment any longer and was reduced to yelling such gibberish as "Ban Anon!" and developing a stutter that forced him to repeat the last syllable of a name multiple times. The first Matoran looked around, either for a noose to hang himself from or an escape. Doctor muttered something about everyone being absolutely hopeless and began texting his coworkers about his retirement plans. After so long, Venom departed for the door, which was actually a window, and climbed out.

Nŏtwheićr'asosiat listened to the oh-so-subtle sounds of Santana's rendition of "Back in Black" blare from his own phone. He decided to receive the call instead of being rude to the caller and forcing him to go to voice message. He said nothing and casually listened to the sounds of harsh breathing.

"Do... Thing..." the caller grunted. He then hung up abruptly.

Nŏtwheićr'asosiat nodded and removed his jacket. Attached to his body was a bomb. "You heard the man," he stated. "I had him on speaker. Do Thing."

"What in the world does that mean?" asked the first Matoran, headed for the window.

"It is everything. It is around us, the meaning of life. Those that have Done Thing can live in harmony. And this is my time to Do Thing."

"So you're just going to blow us up?" Doctor exclaimed, reaching for the pistol under his desk.

"Yes!" Nŏtwheićr'asosiat yelled, running up to Doctor and knocking him out of his chair. "It is my time! My associate promised that this will have counted as my having Done Thing! And so I will." He pulled out the trigger for the bomb and activated it...

Xinlo triumphantly unsheathed his sword, fumbled around with it, and pointed it at the bomber. His mind in a haze, the closest thing to something epic he could come up with was, "Do by, gug."


Venom looked around, now realizing this Doctor's office was on the third story of this building. He got flat against the wall, unaware of his wings, and began to head to the right, where he could land on a shorter building. He swore to himself multiple times that he would never try anything stupid again and that he would apologize to those dudes who ran that speakeasy, The Toa's Hideout. He didn't mean to rampage, it was just... things were strange. He appeared to be home free when an explosion rocked the area. He fell from his perch as the giant fireball erupted, sending him crashing into the street. He landed hard, gave a pained grunt, and then shut his eyes, succumbing to unconsciousness.


*Scene 2: The Street Adjacent to the Rehab Center's Left Side. Cue Buggy!, Venom's body, filler cops, and tape recorder at the scene of the crime*

(Buggy! thinks in Morgan Freeman's voice) I watched the scene of the crime intently. After enduring some teasing about the size of my proboscis, I decided to head over to Doctor's office. The guy was on his last day, I knew, but I thought that he wouldn't mind one last visit. As I rounded the corner, barely managing to avoid being stepped on, I received a text message on my cell phone from the company called Superfly. It read: "Watch out for Candlejack, he might-" and then that was it. That was it. I deleted that one. I then, after jumping on the Menu button enough times, looked at my other messages. There was one from Doctor, which said "crzy mtrn w/ bom. need cops now." I was confused for all of about three seconds. For after those three seconds, the rehabilitation center exploded. I was no longer confused.

I asked a cop about what had happened, but he ignored me. After trying to get his attention, I jabbed my proboscis into his leg, injecting it with a deadly toxin, and departed contently. I then decided it would be easier to just hang around the Loud Cop so that I and the people beyond the fourth wall would understand what had happened.

"Yeah, that's what happened," he said loudly to his companion, the filler rookie cop that may or may not get killed in one to three scenes. "At least, that's what Venom said. He said the patients were getting violent, he tried to escape, and then the world exploded."

For a moment, I thought he was referring to the Spider-man villain. Then I got a look at the crumpled green body lying unconscious with a really creepy old cop picking at it with a scalpel. I was wrong.... I was wrong.... I mean, I wasn't right. I was incorrect in my thinking. My assumption was flawed and based on no logic. What if that wasn't the only thing I was wrong about? What if I wasn't right about other things? Was this world a dodecahedron like I was taught in grade school? Was our universe contained in a small floating black box, among other black boxes? Were those boxes located in the Bigger Box? And were there more Bigger Boxes? Who made the boxes? Did we make the boxes? Or did the boxes make themselves? How did a box create itself? Was hip-hop the acceptable form of music, or was it rap? Did no one care about ska music anymore? And who, for that matter, was the genius to come up with viking metal? My third grade teacher told me that a coconut was a fruit. I learned in eleventh grade that it was not, and that what it was was actually in the name.

I thought these things for about a second before shaking my head and deciding that vengeance needed to be served. Doctor hurt absolutely no one that didn't pay for his sessions. I then hit something, causing me to drop my cell phone from my back. Little did I know that I actually hit the play button for a tape recorder,
Buggy! thought as he hit something, causing him to drop his cell phone from his back. Little did he know that he actually hit the play button for a tape recorder.

"Hello, nameless background police officers," a guttural voice boomed, grabbing the attention of a few cops, "and the protagonist whose identity I will soon know. I want to play a game."

Saw it, Buggy! said to himself, annoyed.

"You see, Venom was my guinea pig, an experiment in progress. He never ingested a drug in his life; I simply had started to take control of his mind." The voice paused, apparently waiting for some sort of shocked reaction to fade away. "I know that you are shocked and appalled and aghast. And now, he is completely under my... control. The one to defeat him will be my archnemesis, and will face me towards the end of this very script. You may call me Wheicr." Another pause. "I suppose I should give some vague motive. The Writer never gave me attention for his epic series. He had me dead when the series began, and I didn't even get to show up in the final scene of the series. I want revenge on his other ideas that never made it to the Series. From those characters that he decided to cut in favor of developing others, to those versions of those considered canon that were considered stupid and cliché (I'm looking at you, White Ulreq). I want them all dead. Dead... deceased... killed, murdered, muerto... however it is to be said. I-" The recorder, as cheap as it was, then stopped, as it had run out of time to record anything further.

Venom made it to his feet, his face hideous as it was normally. His eyes turned black, and a sword appeared in his hand. He smiled grimly and turned to face the Loud Cop. The Loud Cop yelled loudly as the weapon pierced his abdomen.

"I'll call the shots from here," Venom hissed. "You can call me... Venøm."
Posted on May 15 2011, 10:48 PM

Toa of Thunder

Group: Forum Administrator
Posts: 1,701
Member No.: 11
Joined: 22-July 09

The insider jokes are the best ones, aren't they? It's a pity no-one outside of our little circle (no pun intended) can really appreciate this.
Iro the Dude
Posted on May 16 2011, 12:14 AM

Spirit of Iron

Group: Members
Posts: 150
Member No.: 130
Joined: 9-October 10

*Scene 3: The Main Street. Cue Buggy!, Venøm, filler cops, and runaway giant scorpion*

Venøm stalked the streets, turning his head left and right, and breathed in the scent of decaying bodies. It smelled like... decaying bodies, and the serpentine being saw that it was good. The Filler Cop Brigade had fallen before his might. The rookie cops and soon-to-be-retired cops were sprawled out on the asphalt, dead. Blood dripped from traffic lights and flowed from the bodies.

Buggy! was, needless to say, "outta' there." His little legs sent him bounding around the street corner as his little arms flailed about in comical fright. He found a niche in the abandoned building next to the Rehab Center and found himself in the fetal position, rocking back and forth saying I didn't see that... I didn't see that... I didn't see that...

He shut his eyes and decided that if were to ever have a time machine, he would make sure to sleep in about three extra hours on today. It was then that he heard a voice call out to him.

"Hey. Get out."

"What?" Buggy! asked. "Who's there?"

"Serqet," the voice replied. "The giant scorpion." A sound like the crack of a whip filled the air and a yellow-orange and white body hit the ground in front of Buggy! "I guess if you're hungry..." Serqet muttered. "He tried to fight me, but all he could do was make sky-explosions. Needless to say, they weren't very effective."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Just leave. This is my place."

"I see. Hey, isn't this a Toa? Aren't they important?"

"Oh no, you see, there's a new clause that states that important characters have to be killed offscreen through anticlimactic and scientific means."

"I see."

"So why are you in my place? Shouldn't you be out being a protagonist?"

"I don't have the right testosterone level to be a protagonist. I'm also not a white male that's easily associated with the main target audience."

"But you're either a vague concept thrown at the audience as an awesome thing or a cute animal protagonist that somehow can defeat threats via comical means."

"And who are you?"

"I'm a sort of inspiration to get you to realize your semi-full potential. You know, you're supposed to be a protagonist."

"But I'm not a Chosen One or anything. The Cute Animal Protagonist can't do too much."

"Be different, young one. And perhaps you are a Chosen One in a way... and you must just figure out how."

"Thank you, O Giant Scorpion living in an abandoned building. I now have the will to exist as a protagonist."

"It's just my job, kid. Now get out; this scene's been dragged out for a little bit too long now with some of the worst dialogue I've ever had to read."

"Who are you, O Giant Scorpion?"

Serqet's voice suddenly turned unnecessarily gruff, like Christian Bale's when he played Batman. "I am..." But before he could finish his statement, he faded from view, leaving the dead body of an elementally-confused Toa behind him.

Buggy! then exited the building, extremely confused himself. He did not like being confused. "I hope your building gets foreclosed, O Giant Scorpion," he said bitterly.

He then ran forward, preparing to tackle Venøm. He hit the towering giant's leg and began pounding on it with his little arms. The snake-headed being looked down and kicked his leg forward, knocking Buggy! off.

"You seem to be a worthy adversary," the insect said, impressed. "But you are no match for me - Buggy! Norris!" Focusing his power of Love Fire, he sent three giant rings rocketing towards the infected would-be drug addict. Venøm screamed, from either the love power or the intensity of the fire. After a few seconds, his body fell to the ground.

"I have defeated the monster!" Buggy! yelled triumphantly. "I also have control of pink-hued fire! He scuttled onto the body of Venøm, which was lying on its back, arms to his sides. Overjoyed that this scene finally came to a conclusion, Buggy! jumped into the air and raised one arm in victory.
Toa Yurikk
Posted on May 16 2011, 02:17 AM

Toa of destiny!

Group: Members
Posts: 693
Member No.: 119
Joined: 10-September 10

Lol this is really great. xD I especially like the "Do bye gug" part. What exactly is the origin of that?
Solek-Toa of Shadows
Posted on May 16 2011, 11:32 AM

Toa of Shadows

Group: Members
Posts: 872
Member No.: 134
Joined: 14-November 10

I voted 10. It was freaking hilarious. What? You think that I'd give you a 5 just to spite you because I'm angry at you?
Posted on May 16 2011, 01:30 PM

Toa of Thunder

Group: Forum Administrator
Posts: 1,701
Member No.: 11
Joined: 22-July 09

Takal! Nooooo!

You killed Xinlo... You banned Venom... You killed me!

But shouts of anguish aside, it's coming along well. Pity you won't be able to referance myself or Xinlo. Seeing as we've passed on.
Posted on May 17 2011, 06:24 AM


Group: Members
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Member No.: 108
Joined: 28-June 10

QUOTE (Toa Yurikk @ May 16 2011, 02:17 AM)
Lol this is really great. xD I especially like the "Do bye gug" part. What exactly is the origin of that?

The "Do bye, gugs" was my legendary typo for "So bye, guys". tongue.gif Haru and Zokau were teasing me back in my noob days and I typo'd in my fluster.

This is truly amazing, whether I'm dead or not. However, needs more insode jokes. Can't wait to read the next scene.

Iro the Dude
Posted on Jun 13 2011, 11:43 PM

Spirit of Iron

Group: Members
Posts: 150
Member No.: 130
Joined: 9-October 10

Well, I figure we need to see the critical response to this movie, people of MoD.

"Reminds me of this story I wrote for the retarded school populace"

I think we're getting up there with Inception in terms of positive reviews, I swear.
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