Title: Ria's review topic
Description: Insert critisism here...
Ria - April 6, 2011 10:26 PM (GMT)
Right, I have decided I am going to pull myself out of my rut of not doing anything Bionicly. Since art work is gonna be difficult due to my shiny new laptop (and lack of scanner) I shall start of with short stories, hopefully building up to the prequel epic I've been meanin to write.
Now, the important bit. Critisism goes here, not in any story topic. Failure to comply will result in you being nuked (that or I will ask Nuara to give you a "friendly chat". Personally I would take the nuke,)
So the first part of my literary revival is the first part of a short story called "Perfect Soldiers". The second part will follow in a week or two.
That is all, commence judgment.
Takal - April 6, 2011 11:07 PM (GMT)
Well, I'll start with the bad news... Grammatical mistakes pretty much everywhere, and very few phrases that should have been hyphenated, were. More depth needed to be added here and there to flesh it out, and typos need to be killed. Without mercy. Also, the timeframe you're looking for is about 100, 000 years before Thunder. And didn't Ria used to be Rimaru Nui, not Rimara Nui? 'Clever Girl' was forced.
Anyway, on to the good stuff. Um... Er...
Just joking. It was very good. Particularly liking Maroo's 'sagely' attitude. Be sure to stick some Voltaki in there if and when you get the chance. The second paragraph had a particular wealth of depth compared to the others, and I think you would do well to make that the basis for further musings. Please continue, you have my attention and interest. Perhaps you'll even finish this one!
And I take it that means I get to post in the story itself? I mean, Nuara's only your aquaintance. She's my sister.
Then again, any excuse for a face-melting...
Solek-Toa of Shadows - April 6, 2011 11:29 PM (GMT)
It's all good, and quoting Takal, the Clever Girl just didn't seem to fit. And as for Ria forgetting Bohrok, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE! HE CREATED THEM!
Toa Yurikk - April 6, 2011 11:39 PM (GMT)
Great story. But I'm confused by the fact that Ria is a Bohrok and doesn't know what a Bohrok is. And I thought he was green but in this hes red and has wings! A little more character description would be nice (or a picture). ;)
Solek-Toa of Shadows - April 6, 2011 11:41 PM (GMT)
|QUOTE (Toa Yurikk @ Apr 6 2011, 04:39 PM)|
| Great story. But I'm confused by the fact that Ria is a Bohrok and doesn't know what a Bohrok is. And I thought he was green but in this hes red and has wings! A little more character description would be nice (or a picture). ;) |
Actually, that's RIA, Ria is the creator of Bohrok, whereas RIA is his favorite Bohrok.
Toa Yurikk - April 7, 2011 05:45 AM (GMT)
Oh, I really need to read the rest of that story. :D
Ria - April 7, 2011 08:35 AM (GMT)
The whole point of this story is to explain where Ria's Bohrok came from. Ria didn't create the Bohrok, but he did create his Bohrok.
Takal - April 7, 2011 08:44 AM (GMT)
Maybe we shouldn't have given those two the same name...
Ria - April 7, 2011 02:05 PM (GMT)
I believe that was your fault...
Toa Yurikk - April 7, 2011 02:45 PM (GMT)
I get it now, don't worry about changing it, just put some kind of explanation. ;)
Ria - April 7, 2011 05:36 PM (GMT)
We were not going to change it at all. The end of my story will explain the whole Ria/RIA thing fully.
Also Takal, we should probably find someway to gather both our storys into chronological order.
Takal - April 7, 2011 07:41 PM (GMT)
I'll sort that out this evening... And I believe you named 'Ria.' I wanted to call him Torunga or something like that. I also wanted 'Maroo' spelled 'Mahru' (with an 'uber-u,' the kind with the dots). Torunga was a bad call, but I liked 'Mahru.'
Edit: Here's the shared referance topic. Don't post in it 'cause It'll always be in the process of updating as I'll be continually adding characters and places to my story (and occasionally bothering to catalogue them in the above topic).
Ria - April 7, 2011 09:57 PM (GMT)
I named Ria, you named RIA.
You sir have achieved win with the creation of the reference topic.
Takal - April 7, 2011 10:16 PM (GMT)
Why thank you. And yes, that's what I said. I wanted to give him an utterly pathetic name, but you beat me to it with 'Ria', and 'Ria' it was.
Edit: Not insinuating Ria is a bad name... Just some people think it's a bit effeminate.
Ria - April 8, 2011 08:13 AM (GMT)
Yeah well some people are stupid. I've always thought it sounded a little bit Egyptian.
Takal - April 8, 2011 09:56 PM (GMT)
Ria - April 9, 2011 08:35 AM (GMT)