Disclaimer: As always, and as forever, I don't own Billy Boyd metioned here, or the song which is Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley, amazing and oh so sad. The story is brought by my muse that lives in the right corner of my mind, so don't copy this story, or its characters, because the muse will get quite mad. Oh, and yes, I do stole the name from a friend of mine, but I don't think she'd get very angry after all... I hope...

:)
Andie

Hallelujah

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Billy was staring to the emptiness. An emotionless look in his eyes. He wasn’t able to feel a thing, think a thing, anything more than the fight inside of him. He is a man in his 30’s he isn’t supposed to have these kind of things. No one is supposed to live this kind of things. Why this happened to him? What he had done to deserve this battle, a dreadful battle. He is supposed to be happy, but he wasn’t. He is supposed to love, but he doesn’t, he hate her, he hate them both. He is supposed to think positive and look after his future, but he isn’t, with all his heart, with all his soul.

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair

A little girl was sleeping, both of her arms by her sides and breathing peacefully, nothing worrying her, she was new in this world and she knew nothing about it, except the warm feeling of her blankets and the steady sounds of the breathing machines. She hasn’t even seen the light, her blue eyes hided behind a white clothe.

And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips you drew the hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He was stronger before this. He was another man, he could reach the stars if he wanted to. But he chose this, he chose her, and this is how she paid him. Ruining his life, his dreams, what he is going to do with all the hopes they shared? What is he doing with the love he didn’t give her? Is he going to throw up everything up to the garbage? Is he even supposed to cry? He is sure this ruined his life, at the moment, he is sure that she is the one to blame. He is sure they’re the ones to blame.

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you

Billy looked at the crystal crip. How hipocrite, could not just see that she was left alone with him? What he is going to do? Nothing about it? Come on, he is not young but he is not old enough. He can’t take care of this baby, not even in his dreams. She is expecting him to protect her, how is he going to do that if he doesn’t even sure that he wants to protect her? Is his obligation? Is it written in the books? Is it written in the stars? Why she looks so helpless, so miserable, so tiny, so fragile. He can’t take care of her, if he couldn’t take care of Violet. How could he take care of her.

And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah

He knew about this. He already knew that all the emotions he felt were just the mirror of a craziness in his hormones, it was all in his mind. The chemistry, the looks, the touches, they were all in his mind. Because, as it was to expect, everything vanished in the second he more needed. He needs her the most right now, and she is gone. It’s a natural thing for Violet to do. She is free, he is dependent of her, and she is gone, and he is still depending on her.


Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?

Why he was left alone with the baby? He remembered when his green eyed angel Violet was young, restless and full of life. She attracted him to a side of life that never thought he would reach. He felt alive, free and in love. It was a drug and he felt for it. But as every drug, you never get use to not having it. And the hangover was worst than ever, like if all the good times were condensed into a horrible minute; all the minutes that took your breath away, the had become in minutes that you wish you’d stop breathing; the laughs had become into tears; the happiness into sadness and all the passion you once had, it all had become in anger and desperation.

I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah


Billy couldn’t touch her for the last time. As a breeze, as the same way she had arrived, she had left; leaving him witht he same loneliness and coldness in his heart. But now, he wasn’t alone. She dared to leave him that. That little thing, the little thing that sleeps and doesn’t talk. That little human that is hardly breathing and needs him completely but he can’t reach for it, he can’t help her. He lost everything in Violet, he took everything, he has nothing to share.

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

Violet left him broken and weak. She broke his wings and broke his dreams. He can’t take care of the baby now. Maybe if she would have told him before that she was going to leave him, maybe he’d be prepared. But not now, not in this case, not in this situation. He isn’t the kind of men that is always ready, he needs time to adjust. And he isn’t adjust. He wants to touch that little hand but his hands aren’t able to do it. He feels that he is going to hurt her, kill her just like her mom. He is crying, the tears fall from her eyes to his cheeks, and then into the blue cloth that covers all his body leaving a dark mark in the light blue canvas.

And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

He killed her when he left her alone to drive. He knew she wasn’t suppose to drive, but he was so mad, so angry, he hated her for a moment, then regreating it, it was too late. She drove in the snow storm, blinded by her wrath, ignoring the calls she was receiving from him. He had crossed the line, and he knew it. And he regreted it. And now he was alone, and he was alone with their daughter. And Violet was death, he had helped her to have that accident. That accident that took their lives, took Violet’s life and broke his life. And not enough, the little baby in front of him needed him more than ever, and he was too shattered to help her, to take care of her. But he had to. He must to. He’s not going to kill her. He is going to save her. She deserves it, Violet deserves it.

Cleaning his tears with the back of his hand, he put his hand into the crib, with the calmly breathing sounds of the baby’s heart and her breathing as a background soundtrack of her health, he barely touched her, the baby moved in her sleep. Billy smiled.

“My baby Grace, daddy is here.”

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah.

I am a big Jeff Buckley fan, and I adore all his songs, which is why I know that it's not by Jeff Buckley, he just covered it, and did the best version anyone's done ever, it ws by Leonard Cohen.

Interesting wistful use of past tense. Ohh, you clever clever cookie, refecting back to the original old testament ideas that Cohen was refelcting upon, that 'the baffled king' is actually a play on 'the Battle King', a name for King David, and the loss of this strength in the song. Very fine songfic fun to be had by all. Good use of ennui.

Simplistic, but comforting. Womblike. Effective.

Ooo, nice portray of inner turmoil through thrid person using a series of questions, and juxtaposing the emotional questions with the physical ones, that the certainty of even one's own body is compromised, shakey.

I like how it's like a moment of emotional truth, the capturing of the loss of it. Slightly Wintonesque in that your hold characterisation, it has this masculine feel to it, it's not hysterical, it's just.. poignant to use the word again.

Hmm, interesting use of second person to establish his link back to societal norms and shared experiences as a defence against the newfound isolation.

I like the tender repetition of little and the fragility. Lovely.

And O Henry says, Oo, didn't see that one coming. I thought she'd just buggered off. Then smack! plot twist.

Do you know I was kind of hoping he'd murdered her, it would be a complete subversion of the audience's empathies, like in "Secret Window". Tender moments here in this here shortie. I am proud. Feel the pride.