(((Little Jimmy sat in his parents’ basement, completely engrossed in the computer that sat in front of him, with a Mountain Dew Live Wire on one side of him and a package of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies to the other. Last night, members of UWF’s fan club were sent an e-mail stating that at 5:00 there would be a segment airing live through the website entitled “Hotstuff in the Hot Seat.” Naturally, one of Jay Aguero’s biggest fans, Jimmy made sure that his internet connection was clear and that his sustenance was adequate. It is only a few more minutes until five so Jimmy pops open a utorrent window to see how his pornography downloads are coming along. The latest installment of Oye Loca is at 79%, should be done by the time the UWF segment finishes. Jimmy minimizes the window and takes a drink from his Mountain Dew Live Wire and types in the address to UWF’s website. Right on the front page, a picture of “Hotstuff” Jay Aguero is seen with the words “Hotstuff in the Hot Seat” right underneath it. Clicking the link, Jimmy is brought to another window where “Hotstuff” Jay Aguero is seen sitting back in a chair, sipping on a cup of coffee. Across from him is UWF reporter, Ellie Falsone. Jay sets his cup of coffee down on a table setup between the two and sits back in his seat.)))

Jay: Hello, Ellie. It’s been awhile. How have you been?

Ellie: This is strictly business, Jay. If it were up to me, I would not be speaking to you. I am just doing my job.

Jay: What’s got your panties in a bunch?

Ellie: I don’t know. You didn’t tell me you were engaged. You never called me after that night. How am I supposed to feel? Now, please. Can we get down to business?

Jay: Sure. What is this coffee? Folgers Black Silk?

Ellie: I do believe it is.

Jay: Go figure. Legend sits back with his Starbucks and Seattle’s Best while he serves his “insubordinates” over the counter shit.

Ellie: Please, can you watch your language throughout this segment. It’s streaming live around the world.

(((Jay makes a sign that he is closing his lips with his hand and motions for Ellie to proceed. Ellie, knowing that the segment is ready to start, looks towards the camera.)))

Ellie: Hello, everyone. I’m Ellie Falsone and welcome to “Hotstuff in the Hot Seat.” Today we have none other than “Hotstuff” Jay Aguero. He is here to speak with us on several issues, ranging from his role in the Nü-Empire to his personal thoughts on the One Night in Hell match coming up in less than a week at Break Down. Jay, welcome to the show.

Jay: It’s good to be here, Ellie. And might I say, it’s been a long time since I’ve been interviewed by such a lovely lady. Would you like to grab a bite after the show?

(((Ellie mumbles under her breath.)))

Ellie: Not gonna make that mistake again.

Jay: I’m just messing with you, darling. I’m here to talk about more pressing issues such as… MYSELF.

Ellie: Aren’t you so humble. Now, Jay. When you first joined the UWF, you were fresh out of incarceration. You had no training in wrestling and Glenn Legend gave you a chance. Why would you turn your back on him in joining the Nü-Empire?

Jay: Let’s set things straight to begin with, Ellie. The reason I was even hired on was so that I could be the whipping boy for Legend’s stooges. You know, Zoey, Andy, Serena, Ricky. They’ve all jumped on the bandwagons and have been given just about anything they whine for. Glenn knew I had no experience wrestling. He just saw this big good looking guy that very much so looked like he could kick all their little asses. He wanted his “boys” to seem like superheroes when they went up against me and defeated me. Right from the get go, I had issues with that. I am no one’s whipping boy. If anything, I am the one that does the whipping. Luckily, there is a great man out there, named Tyler Havoc, who had a vision in the UWF. His vision was to put those with the talent up in the main events. You work your way through the ranks and you take what is rightfully yours; not what is handed to you. Just because you’ve been involved with the federation for years, and are just going through the motions currently, does not mean that you deserve a Universal Title shot.

Ellie: Is that a knock at Serena?

Jay: That is a knock at any one of Legend’s “boys.” I went with Havoc, I joined the Nü-Empire and when you roll with the Nü-Empire you are a King. I’m not the petty thug anymore. I live a more lavish lifestyle. I’ve got a God damn penthouse suite for a home, for Christ sake.

Ellie: All paid for by Havoc I assume.

Jay: Ellie, yes. Tyler has helped me. He is not pulling a Glenn Legend and giving hand outs to his minions. Tyler Havoc is giving a hand up to give others the opportunity to better themselves. Do you know what Tyler has already arranged for me?

Ellie: What is that?

(((Jay reaches around behind his chair and pulls out a magazine. He shows off the cover as he hands it to Ellie.)))

Jay: There it is. “Hotstuff” Jay Aguero on the cover of the latest edition of Esquire magazine. Now, be careful with that. It’s hot off the presses so you might burn yourself.

Ellie: Funny.

Jay: And that’s not all. Have you heard of a little show that just recently started up on Starz called Spartacus: Blood and Sand?

Ellie: Of course. Who doesn’t know about that show? That Spartacus is sexy… I mean, yes I like the show.

Jay: Funny you should say that. I had spoken with the producers of the show earlier on today. They want me to do a couple of guest spots when they start filming the second season. In fact, they say that if I wasn’t incarcerated at the time of filming, they thought I would have been perfect for the role of Spartacus.

Ellie: Oh, really. And are there any other roles coming up in the near future that you’re looking to take on?

Jay: Not really. Other than a few guest spots on the second season of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, I want to focus on my wrestling. In the future, I will become more involved with my acting. Until then, I have a long way still to go in the ring. On top of my normal days of cardio and strength training, I’ve taken on Brazilian Jujitsu and Sambo. It really does take up a lot of my days.

Ellie: Not too much to take away from your dating life. You’ve been seen with two women already, which aren’t your fiancé. How many more are there and when will your fiancé know about all this?

Jay: Next question.

Ellie: Come on. We want to know the dirt.

Jay: I plead the fifth.

Ellie: Fine then. Let’s get on with your tag team partner in Hot Commodity, Victor Steele. You seem to be pretty upset with him as of late.

Jay: How can you be upset with a man you haven’t seen in the last couple of weeks. He’s been showing up, wrestling his matches, and leaves. You call that a partner? I’ve tried talking with him, Tyler’s tried talking with him. Toxic… well, Toxic doesn’t really talk to anyone but Jinx, and occasionally that pain in the… uh, rear, Andy Titsuhiro.

Ellie: Is it safe to say that Hot Commodity is through with?

Jay: If Victor can get his head on straight, there will always be room for him on my team. Until then, I will not hold back from doing whatever it is that I need to do in order to succeed in the UWF. If it comes to beat, bludgeon and bruise in order to get noticed, that’s what I’ll need to do.

Ellie: Perfect time to go barbaric with One Night in Hell coming up.

Jay: A match so barbaric that it hasn’t been seen in two and a half years. Ellie, I’m going to win this one. I have been dreaming of this since the announcement. This is my time. This is my destiny. Others may look at me as still being green but this match was designed for me. I may have been locked away on bullshit charges but I was still in prison. I was locked in a cell much the same as twelve of us will be locked together at Break Down. They say there will be weapons attached to the cage… I welcome that. They call it barbaric and career changing, I call it prison yard rules. This match will be career changing. It will make my career as I will become the fifth man to win this brutal and hellacious match.

Ellie: Now, what I’d like to do is similar to what you may have seen with your stable mate, Toxic Angel. I will name off various wrestlers in the match and I’d like for you to discuss a little bit about them.

Jay: Whatever you want, babe. Go right ahead.

Ellie: First, there is Dylan Ford; a man that you have faced twice in the past. Once, it was in a tag match. Second, it was in a singles match.

Jay: The thing about Dylan Ford is that his mind is all caught up with Shayne Edwards. When I step inside the ring, it’s all about the wrestling. I’m afraid that when he steps in the ring, it’s all about Shayne on his mind. Victor has already put his ass out in our tag match and I’ve put him down in our singles match. Dylan Ford does not make for a threat to me. NEXT.

Ellie: Next, we have your tag team partner in Hot Commodity, Victor Steele.

Jay: Like I told you before. I do not have beef with Victor. I am upset with him and wish that he would come to his family in the Nü-Empire but I still stand beside him as a brother in our army. I’ve stated with Jennie Hudson our plan to take out everyone and then see who the best is within the Empire. I still stick to my guns.

Ellie: Angel Andrews.

Jay: Oh, get out of here. Angel got a lucky win over us awhile back but just like Dylan Ford, Victor put her down, then I put her down. NEXT.

Ellie: Andy Titsuhiro, one of your opponents from last week.

Jay: One of Legend’s boys. He is nothing but a goof off in some stupid gimmick tag team called Pretty Tits. He’s not even the one with the talent. Now, Pretty Ricky Stanton, he’s the talent. Andy is just simply the mouth; which he runs off way too often. Just like I’ve done in the past, if someone gets the best of me, I will get my win back. Andy doesn’t have Stanton watching his back this time. If you take a look back at this past week’s Adrenaline, it was I, Jay Aguero, tossing those two around. Andy needs to be prepared to get tossed around once more. NEXT.

Ellie: Eddie Kassidy.

Jay: Oh, boy. Do I love this guy. His enthusiasm is amazing. That and anyone who’s trying to put people like Zoey Swan and Serena out of the business is alright in my book. I don’t really think that Eddie is all there in the head so I think we might be seeing some mighty brutal hits at Break Down when we lock this guy in a cage.

Ellie: Gary Reece.

Jay: I have not had the pleasure of facing him in the ring. He’s been around for awhile and he knows his stuff. There was a time when he knew the way of the land. Now, due to his association with Ricky Stanton, I fear he’s starting to make his way over to Legend’s side. I know he’s got a six man tag coming up right after Break Down in which he’s teaming with Dumb and Dumber, I mean Serena and Zoey Swan, but you can see that he wishes not to. Reece would make a great addition to the Nü-Empire, if it weren’t for his association with Stanton Enterprises.

Ellie: Johnny Ka$h.

Jay: NEXT…. Didn’t we kill him a couple of weeks back. Anyways, NEXT.

Ellie: Ravi Moon.

Jay: Ravi is another man that I respect if only for the fact that he does work for what he wants. He doesn’t expect anyone to hand him anything. I like that. However, if Hot Commodity was not screwed at the last Pay Per View, we would have won the Lethal Lottery Tournament instead of Shayne Edwards and him. Moon and Edwards can take the titles from Serena and Darren, or whoever she finds to defend them with, but I’m coming for the tag titles as well. Whether it’s with Victor or not, I will find a partner and take the gold. I have one goal in the UWF and that is to hold all the titles at some point in my career. The Intercontinental comes at Break Down. The Tag comes in the future. Bryan Laughlin comes in the future with his Hardcore Title. Zoey Swan comes in the future with her Prime Time Title. And Tyrone Kidd comes in the future with his Universal Title. NEXT.

Ellie: You mentioned the Lethal Lottery Tournament. The next name is Moon’s partner and number one contender to the Tag Team Titles, Shayne Edwards.

Jay: Shayne has definitely been able to hold her own in all of this. However, I feel that she should stick with the tag division. If she ever wants to meet outside the ring, though, it’s always an option. I see she’s having a hard time finding a guy. After all, her mother is setting her up with speed dating and shit like that. God knows there isn’t anyone around here that could fulfill her needs, especially Dylan Ford. So, maybe if she’s ever in the mood, much like you once were Ellie, she can visit the Empire and I’ll give her the grand tour.

Ellie: You’re a pig. Luckily for you, we are running low on time and I’ll group these last two together. They are your stable mates in the Nü-Empire, Toxic Angel and Tyler Havoc.

Jay: First off, Tyler Havoc. He has helped me achieve the place where I am at today. I am no longer viewed as the man that just got out of prison with a bad rap. I am a man that is to be taken seriously. I am a soldier of the Nü-Empire and if Havoc wants to lead his army into the pits of hell just to overthrow that pitiful excuse of a devil and start his own regime, I will be right there by his side. When this match happens, however, if it comes down to the two of us we will do what needs to be done. This regime is not about putting Havoc back on top. It is about getting what each of us deserves. We will show the world what we are capable of. As for Toxic Angel, what really needs to be said? She’s psychotic and I like it. She’d be damn near perfect if it weren’t for her strange relationship with the enemy, Andy Titsuhiro. She knows more than anyone that when it gets down to just us, it’s every man and woman for themselves and I want to see her maim some people in the cage at Break Down.

Ellie: I’d like to thank everyone for tuning in to watch our programming this week and would like to that Jay Aguero for stopping by. Be sure to tune in and order Break Down this upcoming week and witness the match so brutal it has not been done in two and a half years, One Night in Hell. Thank you and good bye.

(((The link from the UWF website goes dead and Jimmy exits the menu. Once again, he opens utorrent to see how his download has come. 100%. Yeah, Jimmy listens closely to see if his parents are home yet and turns the volume down slightly. He double clicks on a file entitled Oye Loca as the scene draws to a close.)))