A Splendid Fellow's request:, Thank you, Cthulhu, dear chap...

Greetings, honorable pasty-faced pale-faces and pearly-skinned outsiders. I am, if you had not noticed, a most splendid fellow. I was cruelly struck down not long ago by one squid-like creature which counts itself as one of you, and while I would count it as calamari, you fellows must have different tastes.

Now, this tentacled chap told me that I was a Kill-On-The-Spot Criminal. This is false. And while I do not look to be involved with one of your court cases - many which involve fines a poor, impoverished fellow like myself could never pay off - I feel I must explain myself.

I Kill-On-The-Spot, it is true, unless I miss one too many times, as Cold Seether discovered lately - aqnd it was close, my dear fellow, so, so close! But I am no criminal. I exist outside your boundaries, in the zone you pale-faces and the unclean Kingdom of Skulls have decreed a 'no-mans-land'. Well, No-Mans-Land it is no more (and techincally, never was). It is the Machete Roadblock. Myself and my most esteemed colleagues patrol this area, as we have for over a month or so, and kill all who cross the roadblock. Everyone. My own people as well as your squid-friendly, pale race. It is a public service, to decrease the likelyhood that hostile palefaces will wander into the Kingdom of Skulls and begin murdering the wives of warriors, and to ensure that no hotblooded warriors of the filthy island towns will rampage into your fine, honorable cluster of shacks.

Of course, it would not be a proper public service if one could not pay his or her way past a roadblock. Those which can afford it are likely the merchants and those who are not likely to plunder and murder, yes? A mere payment of five gold pieces to your local maintainer of the Machete Roadblock will give you a full 30 days worth of free, safe passage through this no-man's-land. A very reasonable rate, I might add, as several of my friends insisted that 1 coin per every three days would be better. But I cut that in half, as I recognize that some people, especially those who are straight off the boat, may be less fortunate in terms of pocket money.
And yes, we are looking for a easier way for our customers to deliver said payment, and in a safer fashion. We're currently looking into a deal with a bank, but communication is less than perfect.

However, I am no criminal. I am, after all, a splendidly reasonable fellow with no laws binding me that I can break. If we are payed, you will not die. It is exceedingly simple. Surely, even the Kingdom of Skulls would not have my head for such a public service with such clear, simple rules. And the Kingdom of Skulls will have a person's head for anything at all.

So my request is this - pay the Roadblock before you attempt to cross it. It is not such a hard request, is it?

Why pay you if i can also kill you?

As to why you have been killed, if you have a certain amount of Derby kills, you are considered a threat to Derby and it's citizens. That's why you're KOS.

New meaning to KOS - Kill On the Spot

Hmmmm... I don't see why we should pay a toll to someone who doesn't belong to any form of public service. I mean, our taxes should go to the improvement of the area. Not for passage through a machete thingy-bingy.

Too much Pratchett for you son. And more to the point, being a highwayman is not such a good career choice. We will discuss this matter with the Kingdom, and decide on how best to handle your request. Until then please do refrain from taking lives unnecessarily. It causes much agitation all round, and tends to make you realise you've made the wrong people very angry.

Interesting argument, my dear fellow, but you miss a vital point. If no laws bind you, that means no laws protect you. By obeying laws, we of Derby bind ourselves implicitly to an unspoken compact that says, in return for obeying laws, we will be protected by those same laws. While it may or may not be true that you are not bound by the laws of the Kingdom of Skulls or the Eastern Federation (that is up for them to decide, and I technically hold no position with either, now), that would also means neither of them protects you. And, since you attack their people (even with such a novel justification as yours), it is only reasonable that they would attack you back.

And again, I hold no position with the EF. This is just my thinking on the matter.

Did you not read my statement, good sir? It is a most beneficial public service. Not long ago, I personally cut apart a pair of Wiksik warriors who, had very nearly passed the Roadblock, and were hungrily eyeing your hovels. By paying the Roadblock, we would not only not hinder your progress - should you have the sudden need to traverse the island - but we also protect your town from bloodthirsty natives.
Of course, we protect Wiksik from your hotblooded young soldiers - and make them much the wiser for it, I might add, and thus, it is a very balanced Public Service for all people.

Indeed? I have reread my initial request and I cannot fathom how you would find it as comical as Pratchett at all. I am completely serious about this all. Indeed, I have never formally approached the Kingdom as of yet, but I'll be sure to call upon them soon enough.

And I am no highwayman. The very idea! Highwaymen tend to demand payment for every single journey a traveler makes, while the Roadblock demands payment for every six journeys (assuming a person makes a journey everyday, of course).

And as for the disembodied voice which I can only assume belongs to the ghost of some dead paleface, the only laws which bind me are the laws of the Roadblock - If they've payed in the last 30 days, let them pass the Machete Roadblock. And that which binds our customers - if you've payed in the last 30 days, and you meet a member of the Roadblock within the Roadblock, just keep on walking.

They are good laws, no? I stay outside of your realm, I keep the laws of the Roadblock. You don't see me traipsing into Derby, and trying to set up the Roadblock on your steets. It is one of those things which simply Isn't Done. If you are at all as splendid as I, as impossible as that may seem, you would return the favor, no?

Well then. There's at least one person you won't be wrenching gold from. And that's me. Sorry. My comrades might think differently, but you won't get anything from me.

Well hello Splendid one. Yes, I struck you down and if you come into Derby or anywhere within a days travel of Derby I will strike you down again as I percieve you as a threat to the good people of Derby.

Now, if you want to charge a fee for crossing your machete road block, then by all means go for it. I imagine you'll end up being killed alot more than recieveing payment but that's just my opinion.

As for myself, I won't pay a fee to walk any path on this island, but that's how I roll

I thought you rolled by lying on your side and turning over again and again. It helps if you're heading down an incline.

I thought you rolled by lying on your side and turning over again and again. It helps if you're heading down an incline.

What if he curled up into a ball? Can't he roll too if he tries hard enough?

I thought you rolled by lying on your side and turning over again and again. It helps if you're heading down an incline.

He has certain appendages to consider..

I thought you rolled by lying on your side and turning over again and again. It helps if you're heading down an incline.

He has certain appendages to consider..

Which leads to the next question. How many and how big are they to be able to hinder his rolling?

I 2nd this.

and we're all comedians now are we eh?


But an incline does help when one has appendages

Yes, but not very good ones.