Now That We're Done, I'm So Sorry

[Alistair Ryder]

He had contemplated not telling anyone he was moving, but that wasn’t exactly an act of good will, so he had called Jeremy to ask him for help with moving boxes from one place to another. Luke had also been invited. There had been no point to ask Lilah for help or even tell her, because whenever he entered a room she was in (like the first band practice they’d had after the fight) she abruptly left before he could say hi or anything. They hadn’t been in the same place at all since their fight. He deserved that.

Melissa must’ve known what he’d done too, because he’d run into her and tried to say hello, but she’d just turned and walked away, telling him he was a monster and ought to stay away from her. At least this one wasn’t someone he still loved, so he could live without her.

When confronted with what had happened between him and Lilah, it seemed they’d both agreed (without actually talking) to blame everything on a huge fight where their differences shone through more clearly than anything else and that it was obvious they just didn’t work out. And not for lack of trying, Lord knows they’d tried.

It had been in order to turn over a new leaf (and so that Lilah wouldn’t have to be concerned with him living so close now that she was afraid of him) that he’d decided to move to where he belonged now. Didn’t matter that Dimitri would find him again, he couldn’t care less anymore: if he couldn’t have Lilah anymore, he was willing to accept whatever Dimitri had up his sleeve to teach him.

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try to win her back before giving up completely. It just meant that he’d find another person willing to donate blood while he was sorting things out.

One of the boxes he needed to move was different from the rest: it was the box with Lilah’s things in it, her name scribbled elegantly on one side. There was another reason why it was different: a single white rose (thorn-less of course) with a white, silk ribbon around it was resting on top of it. He’d chosen a white one because white was the color of innocence, and she had always been so innocent, the lack of thorns was so that she wouldn’t cut herself should she accept it. A note was hidden halfway under the rose, taped to the box and folded double to hide what was written on it in the same elegant hand-writing he’d used on the box: I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself. – Alistair

“Do you think you could bring that box over to her later?” She really didn’t need to see him unless it was by accident or she wanted to herself.

[Jeremy]

He could hardly believe it. When the three humans of the band had been practicing, Lilah had looked miserable the entire time as they waited for the vampire member. Then, when Ryder showed up, Lilah left, like he was some kind of repellent. She did that whenever he entered a room she was in.

Lilah wouldn't talk to them. It was almost as if she had taken a vow of silence. However, it was obvious that she and Ryder had broken up, and it was obvious she was devastated about it. When asked why they broke up, she would shrug and not say anything. The one time she did say something was when Jeremy asked her if she would take Ryder back. She had said 'no' in a torn, hurt, and broken voice.

Whatever had happened between them must have been something big, because he could tell Lilah was still in love with Ryder, even if she didn't want to be. They always seemed to work through every problem and end up happy and together no matter what. He couldn't imagine what must have happened to finally force them apart.

And now Ryder was moving into vampire territory, presumably to get away from Lilah. Jeremy had agreed to help. Luke had stayed behind to try to get information out of Lilah, which Jeremy knew was a plan that was doomed to fail.

“Do you think you could bring that box over to her later?”

Jeremy snapped out of his thoughts and glanced over at the box with Lilah's name on it. There was also a white rose on top, with a white ribbon. Was Ryder trying to symbolize her innocence or something? Maybe he was also trying to win her back... Then what happened must have been Ryder's fault, must have been him that pushed her away, not the other way around.

"Sure. But, if I may be so bold as to ask," sarcasm, of course, he'd ask whatever the hell he felt like asking. "What exactly happened with you two?" He wasn't going to straight out accuse Ryder of something (even though he knew it was the vampire's fault), they were still friends.

[Alistair Ryder]

“Do you think you could bring that box over to her later?”

It seemed Jeremy had been deep in thought when he was asked about Lilah's box. And if there was one thing he could've counted on when he'd asked Jeremy to help, was that there would be questions, but for once he didn't mind talking, part of the reason was because he was trying really hard to be more trustworthy.

"Sure. But, if I may be so bold as to ask, what exactly happened with you two?"

The vampire shrugged. "We fought," he said and picked up a box. "But it was worse than ever, I guess I just pushed her one too many times." He'd ceased to function on any emotional level other than acceptance or indifference since she'd left and he wouldn't allow himself to feel anything about it when he was around people, because someone might get hurt.

"She deserves someone who won't keep breaking promises anyway," since they'd mostly gotten his stuff moved now, he was ready to at least put stuff in the apropriate rooms.

[Jeremy]

As soon as the vampire shrugged, Jeremy was afraid he wouldn't say anything. After all, when Lilah had been asked, she only shrugged and then wouldn't say anything. But Ryder spoke.

"We fought. But it was worse than ever, I guess I just pushed her one too many times."

Jeremy had a feeling that Ryder was leaving out some important details. It couldn't have been just another fight, Lilah wouldn't be so crushed over one more fight. She would have forgiven him like always and moved past it, trying to keep their relationship afloat. Hell, she was still in love with the guy.

"She deserves someone who won't keep breaking promises anyway,"

"So you didn't dump her. Then why is she so broken and you're so... uncaring?" It didn't make sense. Had Ryder fallen out of love with Lilah? That would explain why he didn't seem to care about the situation. "Do you still love her?" He asked, expecting a 'no.'

[Alistair Ryder]

"So you didn't dump her. Then why is she so broken and you're so... uncaring?"

Again, he didn't know exactly what Jeremy expected of him, but he would do his best. "It's easier that way," he replied, with regards to why he was so uncaring. He knew why Lilah was so broken, he'd hurt her really bad, and he wasn't expecting to be forgiven this time.

"Do you still love her?"

Without thinking, he snarled at Jeremy: "Of course I do." Forcing himself to take it easy, he continued: "That's not why I'm moving. I think it'll be eaiser on both of us this way." Easier to cool down, to get over the major issue and hopefully for him to show her that he was trying to change.

He'd retreated to his uncaring state and put down the box in his hands.

"I fucked up, that's all there is to it." At least he'd gotten something good out of being with Lilah other than a little while of happiness, it wasn't that hard to share things with certain people anymore.

[Jeremy]

"It's easier that way,"

But it wasn't fair that Lilah suffered and he didn't. "Do you still love her?"

"Of course I do." Ryder snarled. Finally, Jeremy had gotten a reaction. That meant that even though Ryder wasn't showing it, he still cared. At least Lilah wasn't the only one upset, then.

"That's not why I'm moving. I think it'll be easier on both of us this way. I fucked up, that's all there is to it."

Somehow, Jeremy knew that Ryder had done something big. But what the fuck could it possibly be that drove Lilah away? She had such a strong sense of loyalty to the vampire that under normal circumstances, had they broken up they would still be friends. But this whole situation was out of control. Jeremy didn't like seeing his friends hurt.

"What, did you kill someone?" He asked with a laugh, knowing that his friend would never, ever kill anyone. It wasn't like him. "Seriously though, the hell did you do?" He also knew that Ryder would never physically hurt her, so what could it have been that made Lilah leave him? "She was so damn loyal to you, this whole situation is surreal."

[Alistair Ryder]

"What, did you kill someone?"

He laughed with Jeremy and shook his head as if to say that of course he hadn't killed anyone. His friends must never ever know that, it was bad enough that Lilah did, but since she seemed to still be loyal to him, he hadn't told them, and he was grateful, which was why he'd work so hard on getting her to at least talk to him again, even if it was only to tell him to go to hell.

"Seriously though, the hell did you do?"

Now how was he going to put this into an elaborate lie that made him out to have done something horrible enough for her to leave without telling Jeremy the truth? Because this was the one question he couldn't be honest about.

"She was so damn loyal to you, this whole situation is surreal."

"You remember Melissa?" He wasn't sure how much more he needed to say, but decided to go with a little bit of what had actually happened and add to it without saying too much. "She helped me out after Dimitri had a little too much fun, by donating some blood..."

[Jeremy]

"You remember Melissa?"

"The blonde whore?" He hoped Ryder hadn't cheated on Lilah with that slut...

"She helped me out after Dimitri had a little too much fun, by donating some blood..."

"So? It's not like you cheated on Lilah." ...Did he? Unless drinking blood could be a sexual act, Jeremy didn't see the problem with what he did. It had to have been sexual, though, otherwise it wouldn't have upset Lilah enough to make her leave. Then again, Ryder could be lying and trying to convince him something happened that didn't... Whatever, he was tired of prying people for information.

"She won't even talk anymore. She's completely devastated, and I can tell she's still in love with you. Are you going to try to get her back, or just leave her like this?" He wasn't hinting at anything, no, not him. And maybe Lilah hadn't been herself when she said she wouldn't take him back. Or if Ryder just tried hard enough, she might take him back. The two fools needed each other.

[Alistair Ryder]

"The blonde whore?"

Hr cringed, really wishing Jeremy would quit talking about Melissa that way. Just because someone was easy on the eyes and not too picky (obviously because she was dating Alex) didn't mean that she was a whore.

"She helped me out after Dimitri had a little too much fun, by donating some blood..."

"So? It's not like you cheated on Lilah."

He wasn't looking at Jeremy at this time when he replied. "I might as well have." Meaning drinking blood was very sexual, and he would've done more than just drink from her if Alex hadn't come: he had missed her for being what she was, and because he didn't have to try to be human around her.

"She won't even talk anymore. She's completely devastated, and I can tell she's still in love with you. Are you going to try to get her back, or just leave her like this?"

It was killing him that she was hurting so bad, and he just wanted to make it all go away and be better, but there was nothing he could do. Not this time. The murderer couldn't bring his victims back to life or take back hurting her physically.

"I want to get her back, I really do, but I think she needs to see that I can be better than all lies before she'd even consider staying in the same room as me, let alone talk to me."

Of course he was going to try to get her back, what else did Jeremy make of the rose?

"But she deserves better than this," he gestured to himself, trying to include the fact that he was in vampire territory and a vampire himself.

[Jeremy]

"I want to get her back, I really do, but I think she needs to see that I can be better than all lies before she'd even consider staying in the same room as me, let alone talk to me."

Jeremy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He just had this feeling that there was more to the situation than he knew, more than Ryder (much less Lilah) would tell him. Then what Ryder said sunk in. Before he could address that, though, Ryder spoke again, gesturing to himself.

"But she deserves better than this,"

"Wait a second, you've been lying to her? After how open and honest she's been with you? Or am I reading too much into this conversation?" He queried as he pulled out a picture of Ryder and Lilah from one of the boxes. He just stared at it. They were so happy in the picture, what the hell had happened to make their relationship dissolve?

He hoped the same thing didn't happen to him and Luke. Luke was stupid enough to do something to ruin it, but then his idiocy was his saving grace. He was also too stupid to do anything too horrible, he didn't have it in him to do anything out of malice. Maybe Jeremy's own relationship was safe, then.

[Alistair Ryder]

"Wait a second, you've been lying to her? After how open and honest she's been with you? Or am I reading too much into this conversation?"

Ryder sighed. Of course Jeremy wouldn't understand, and he'd need more information now, but really, it was back to the point where he was telling mostly the truth so it wasn't too bad to share. After all, they had fought about him lying, because it came so natural.

"I wasn't lying to her, but I was exactly telling her everything either," he started, really trying to be indifferent about it, but he knew he couldn't possibly have done a good job, because this topic was kind of a sore spot still.

"So naturally when she caught me lying to someone else, and believable enough that if she hadn't know the truth, she wouldn't have known it was a lie..." If he hadn't noticed the picture Jeremy was holding, he wouldn't have stopped there, he would've continued on and told his friend everything, from the snack to the bloody kiss.

"You know I've always kept things to myself..." he was trying to justify not telling her everything. Really, he hadn't been good for her at all, it seemed he'd gotten all the benefits out of their relationship and he felt awful about it now that they were through.

"Anyway, she wanted to know how often I'd lied to her, I lost my temper, scared her, said some horrible things and she was all tears, running out." He shrugged. Not exactly the truth, but close enough. It left out the things that would lose him his friends, but kept in the major thing that had caused their fight.

[Jeremy]

"I wasn't lying to her, but I was exactly telling her everything either,"

Was it just him, or did Ryder sound slightly bitter?

"So naturally when she caught me lying to someone else, and believable enough that if she hadn't know the truth, she wouldn't have known it was a lie..."

Jeremy winced. That would have set any honest person off. And apparently it had upset Lilah enough for her to confront him, which was rare. She wasn't a confrontational person. Must have been a big lie.

"You know I've always kept things to myself..."

"That's no excuse."

"Anyway, she wanted to know how often I'd lied to her, I lost my temper, scared her, said some horrible things and she was all tears, running out."

Jeremy sighed. "You hurt her really bad, you know. She's completely crushed. Did I mention she won't even speak anymore?" He ran his hand through his hair. "If I hadn't seen Lilah in such a state, I'd be taking your side, you know. We've been friends longer. But she's just so...."

[Alistair Ryder]

"You know I've always kept things to myself..."

"That's no excuse."

He knew it wasn't. But he didn't think he should tell Jeremy why exactly he kept things to himself a lot, the main thing here was that he had gotten better at sharing, not that he'd used to share nothing but critical information.

"Anyway, she wanted to know how often I'd lied to her, I lost my temper, scared her, said some horrible things and she was all tears, running out."

"You hurt her really bad, you know. She's completely crushed. Did I mention she won't even speak anymore?"

A groan escaped him as he ran his hands down his face, exasperated. He'd been about to reply when Jeremy went on.

"If I hadn't seen Lilah in such a state, I'd be taking your side, you know. We've been friends longer. But she's just so...."

It really was his turn to sigh. Jeremy had every right to take Lilah's side, as she seemed to be the one suffering the most. She'd been number one for him, then Dimitri had proved some points and he had put himself first. The minute he did that, he lost her.

"I'd take it all back, but you know I can't." There were too many things he wanted to take back that he didn't even dare mention to Jeremy. This lying had just been the most truthful one he could share.

He wasn't going to lie, he was mad at himself for what had happened, but she'd also needed to know that he wasn't human, was never going to be human and though she had vampire friends that were nice, not everyone could be all that. She also needed to know that he wasn't going to hurt her again, but how he could convey that message was beyond him.

"I wish she'd just stay in the same room as me long enough for me to apologize, even though I have a feeling sorry won't exactly make things much better." He'd have to do something huge to get her to talk to him again, or be very persistent with his notes. It didn't matter if they were through for good if she'd only talk to him again.

[Jeremy]

"I'd take it all back, but you know I can't."

Jeremy sighed again. "I know."

"I wish she'd just stay in the same room as me long enough for me to apologize, even though I have a feeling sorry won't exactly make things much better."

"Yeah, you'd have to do something huge to get her to even look at you again." Jeremy finally put the picture he had been holding down. He had to force himself to not keep looking at it. Whatever lie Ryder had told to push her so far must have been huge.

"It's kind of ridiculous, I know, but she almost seems to be afraid of you." He looked closely at Ryder to gauge his reaction. He wasn't sure if Ryder had done something horrible enough to make Lilah afraid of him or not, but judging by the way she avoided him...

[Alistair Ryder]

"Yeah, you'd have to do something huge to get her to even look at you again."

It seemed they agreed on that one then. But he didn't know what he could do to get her attention without making everything worse. Sure he knew quite a few things he could do to get attention: nothing screamed 'I promise to be nice' like another dead body. He needed something that was first of all not illegal or bad in any way.

"It's kind of ridiculous, I know, but she almost seems to be afraid of you."

Jeremy had hit the jackpot with that one, whether he was aware of it or not. He hadn't been prepared for that and for a second he was just staring at his friend before he composed himself and looked away from the human. But he was sure that by now it would be too late and Jeremy would know that afraid of him was exactly what Lilah was. Maybe he was even smart enough to figure out why.

Ryder wished he could just tell Jeremy everything and be done with it, but he knew that would cost him his human friends and he really didn't want that at all. He needed them more than they knew and he wasn't about to tell them that.