Every Day a Little Death, [ tag : anna-marie ]

[Raina Goncharov]

Double, Double Toil and Trouble THEN! Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Raina, who made her home in the faraway land of Bishop City. She was the youngest child of a great and honoured line, known for their bravery, their courage, and sometimes, their deceit and their cruelty. She knew none of these, for these were the things she was barred from ever knowing. Instead her mother read her fairytales from a thick, leather-bound book. She spun stories of magic and good triumphing over evil; Princes and Princesses and Happily Ever Afters. There were smiles and wistful sighs and promises that one day, it will be hers. Raina cannot really understand all the words but she heard the love in her mother’s voice and believed.

Double, Double Toil and Trouble THEN! her mother left for a Faraway Land.

She was not a damsel in distress. She was not a scullery maid. She did not have an evil step-mother. She does not keep the company of dwarves. She does not prick her finger on a spinning wheel. But her brothers and sister told her she was a princess and these were her stories.

Nice girls do NOT finish last.

Only the good girls get on Santa’s Christmas List.

Raina was six; she believed them, too.

Double, Double Toil and Trouble THEN! she fell in love, but he didn’t love her. He loved… another. And Raina turned her head away, and told herself it was okay. There were other stories – it doesn’t always have to be a White Prince. Sometimes, it’s a Dark Knight who was a thief who was a scoundrel with hazel eyes, light grey-green rimmed with a chocolate brown.

Double, Double Toil and Trouble THEN! she broke his heart. Raina’s halo’s looking a bit tarnished but she told herself it was still alright. That it was not her fault, not really. Instead it was the usual crowd, with the usual music and the usual temptations. It’s why she shrugged off her boyfriend’s arm and escaped temptations into the arms of the other.

---

Double, Double Toil and Trouble Now! Raina is seventeen when she realized that she is the villain in her story.

(Which, what the fuck?!)

(Things the Goncharov are good at: playing love/hate/fear/power the whole time, pretending forgetting there is in them a place where a heart would normally be, and rewriting their story. Once, the first time, she did it like this: stare at each other over the lunch she's not eating for a while before silently agreeing that they have zero problems as long as they never mention a certain dark-haired girl who was also her best friend and a certain dark-haired boy who was also her boyfriend, pretend that Ruth and Kieran don't exist, ignore all truth and live grasping at lies, and repress all their guilt by sublimating with secret kisses and clandestine meetings.)

So there she now sits, the Once Princess, waiting for Anna-Maria Carmichael in the coffee shop, idly stirring a coffee cup so heavy with sugar she could barely taste the coffee. She got the woman’s number by asking around, sometimes subtly, sometimes bluntly. It gets the job done and Raina found she liked that she was being active about it. She doesn’t know what this means, though she sometimes mused that maybe it was because she was growing up. Not a child, some giddy voice in her head sang. She realized a second later it was her voice.

That said, Raina has no problem acting like she’s six should Anna prove to be hostile.

[Anna-Maria Jenner-Carmichael]

On the surface of the situation Anna had very little to compel her to agree to a meeting with her brother’s ex-girlfriend. Kieran was not exactly the sharing type, but from what Anna knew, Raina had cheated on him, and that was how it had ended. As much as she could get a read on his emotions, she understood that this had hurt him a lot, and she had to wonder if it hadn’t contributed to his decision to travel to the other side of the world. A trait they shard it seemed, travelling far away upon leaving high school, and travelling to escape the remains of a relationship, except Anna had fled back to Bishop City when everything unravelled with Tomas in Spain. So going to meet the girl that had hurt her brother might be seen as a strange move, but when she thought it about, that was what Raina was; a girl, barely out of high school. Anna would never presume to patronise her by assuming she was not in control of her actions and emotions, but she also remembered that less than ten years she had been the same age, it wasn’t exactly a time when the most sound judgement calls were made.

There was, of course, another reason. Perhaps it was out of her own, often unacknowledged, desire to be forgiven for what she had done, but Anna had been the other woman, she had been part of affair, and even though she was not the one in a relationship at that time, it had still been a horrible thing to do and had lead to the end of a marriage. She still cringed inwardly, and sometimes outwardly if she was alone, when she thought about her behaviour during that time. It had been a betrayal of herself and the way her parents had raised her. They were hardly the most conventional parents, but they had given her a strong sense of right and wrong, and respect for herself. Now she had even more to make her cringe, when she considered how she had spoken to her mother about it, defensively, in a way that implied she was a helpless victim in it all. That wasn’t the case at all, at least, not after Tomas has told her he was married. She had continued the relationship, knowing exactly what they were doing, and not making the hard and painful decision to break it off with him. Then she wouldn’t have this horrible guilt to carry around, and maybe she would be able to dismiss Tomas entirely from her mind, rather than having to contend with the fact that she still had feelings for him.

So that was how, once her lectures had ended for the day, she found herself walking towards the coffee shop where she had agreed to meet Raina, feeling a little apprehensive about what might happen. The girl clearly felt strongly enough to hunt down Anna’s phone number and ring her up, and she had to admire that bravery; she doubted that she would ever have the courage or the inclination to ring up Tomas’ family or the family of his wife to talk about what had happened. In truth she hoped she would never have to meet them, and she had also hoped that Tomas would never have to meet her family, but that had unfortunately been take completely out of her hands. She hated to think what her father would do if they ever met. But today Anna was not on some quest to avenge her brother’s broken heart, and unlike her parent’s opinion of her ex, she didn’t believe that Raina was a bad person, she had just made a bad decision.

Good people did that sometimes.

Arriving at the door of the coffee shop, Anna took a deep breath and pushed it open. Her eyes moved around the room, searching for a face she recognised. Finally she settled on Raina, who seemed to be staring intently into the bottom of her coffee cup, stirring the liquid as she did so. Brushing some errant strands of hair back from her face, Anna made her way through the chairs and tables until she reached the younger girl’s table. “Hi Raina.” She greeted the girl, mostly neutral and polite, but with a bit of softness, indicating she wasn’t going to be crucifying the girl to the wall of the coffee shop. “Is it okay if I sit down?” Anna asked as she moved to take a seat, setting her handbag on the floor, and waiting to get some acknowledgement before settling herself comfortably at the table. She looked directly across at the brunette and gave a slight smile. “I haven’t seen you for a while. How have you been?”

[Raina Goncharov]

A flush on the cheeks was the only indication how terrified Raina was the moment she realized Anna was actually there, was there and had not bitched at her at first sight, and was in fact being kind and gracious. When Anna had asked the expected question -- 'Is it okay if I sit down?' -- Raina had opened her mouth to answer except words failed her, and all she could do was nod and make some gestures of acknowledgement.

Oh, God.

"I'm okay," she finally managed to say. She almost stuttered, but Raina caught herself. She finally focused her eyes on Anna, and felt again the guilt that was always read to consume her. If she felt this bad now, how much worse would it be if she was facing Kieran? "School - I mean, college. You know?"

Stop it!, she told herself, and you can see the shift as it happened, from flustered school girl to someone raised to have within her a desire for composure and symmetry, and the need to live up to her family's standards, to deserve all she'd been given by birthright. Not only the wealth, which even as a child she understood, but also the love of her family. The love of her friends.

Except she was who she was and she had wanted more. The power, the danger, the glory.

She wanted it. Deep inside her most secret heart, she wanted it all.

Raina motioned at the cup of coffee in front of her. "Would you like to order now, or would you need some more time?" She tried to smile and found that this time, she could execute it without looking pained or even hinting the fear she was keeping at bay. Not that she thought it was necessary to feel that way anymore. Meeting Anna again, Raina was reminded how put together the woman was, how right, at least compared to the first impression her brother gave to people. Of course their meeting had always been casual, and back then, Raina had never done anything wrong to any member of Anna's family so the encounters had been brief, polite and uneventful.

One thing she'd learned was never to just accept people at face value, the mask they wear, the one they show to the world. Especially not after her encounter in the alleyways on East Side a few days ago. She cleared her throat before continuing. "I really want to thank you for coming. I know you didn't have to."

It's very tempting to get sketchy, because she doesn't want to admit that she screwed up, but lies were what got her in this mess in the first place and Raina wasn't about to give in to her fantasy of pretend - at least not today - just so she could feel good about herself. Anna came; it's her turn to uphold her end of the meeting. A meeting she requested.

Again, there's the tell-tale shift, but this time kicked up a notch. And Raina does what Raina does when she fucks up and that was to turn off her autopilot, which scares her so very much, but her inner voice that sounds ridiculously like Pyotr's voice, he tells her to just Know Kung-Fu and just like that, Raina pulls it together. "Anyway, how are you?"

Emphasis on the 'you'. As if there should be some other name she meant to put there but decided against at the last second.

[Anna-Maria Jenner-Carmichael]

Anna could see the flush on the girl’s cheeks, and the slight nervousness of her reply, and was again aware of how much bravery it must have taken for her to get in contact with Anna and then actually turn up. She had to give Raina credit for that, whatever she had done wrong for them to actually end up in this situation. Nodding, accompanied by a smile, she acknowledged that yes, she did know about college. “Of course. It’s a lot to deal with.” She agreed, aware of how strange it was to adjust to university life, coming from school, and working out what was needed from your tutors and the like, as well as balancing the social side, which could be easily distracting and overwhelming.

“No, I’m okay, thank you. I had some coffee earlier.” Anna replied in response to Raina’s question about whether she wanted to order now. Frankly she felt a little uncertain about how long this meeting was going to continue, and didn’t particularly feel like prolonging it by ordering a drink and waiting for it to arrive. She hoped that it wouldn’t come across as rude, but situations like this were probably best kept to a limited time frame. Carefully she returned the smile that Raina offered her, trying to be reassuring as she did so. She felt a little strange in this situation, trying not to upset the other woman, but at the same time having to acknowledge that she had hurt her brother. If the situation were a little more clear cut, and if Kieran actually talked to her about things, instead of being his usual vague and obstructive self, Anna might have a clearer idea of how to react to this particular meeting.

Raina thanked her for coming, and Anna nodded once more, lifting a hand to push her hair back from her face. “It’s fine, Raina. I don’t mind being here.” She said, pausing, and letting the silence stretch a little bit between them, to leave an opening in the hope that the younger woman would fill it with the reasons why, exactly, she had been so keen for Anna to come and meet her. Pushing her towards answers might make the entire situation a bit more awkward and Anna would like to avoid that at all costs, if she could. However there was only so much small talk that they could move through before they ran out of things to talk about, and at that point she assumed Raina would get down to business. Anna doubted that her brother’s ex girlfriend would have taken the trouble to arrange this meeting just to chat.

Raina seemed intent on continuing it for a while longer, as she asked how Anna was, and there was little to do but answer. “I’m well, thank you. College as well, obviously, and working alongside that takes up a fair amount of time, but I don’t mind being busy.” Her answer was spoken with a calm civility, wanting to give a bit of information to avoid being abrupt, without offering much that would lead to many more questions. Briefly Anna’s eyes travelled around the room, looking at the various other occupants as she considered how to proceed. Holding back her opinion was not something that Anna had ever been known as, or was likely to, and while she thought this might require a little more subtlety, she also felt as though they needed to move towards the heart of the matter. Licking her lips, she straightened slightly in her seat and fixed Raina with direct eye contact. ”So this meeting is about Kieran....?” She prodded carefully, and then waited for a response.

[Raina Goncharov]

It's a sign how much Raina has controlled herself that her smile only stilled for a second when Anna got right to the heart of the matter. A smile that had kept it's composure even when Anna turned her offer down to order for her something to drink. She'd kept quiet the whole time Anna had answered, only saying, 'Yeah, that's exactly it,' when the older woman mentioned her college and work life. Raina has never worked for anything. She sipped her coffee and let the sweet taste of the brew linger. Raina knows that it will take a while for her to be drinking coffee this way.

She put the cup down carefully. Licked her lips as she thought how to word her answer no matter how complicated this already was, it can always get complicateder.

Anna was so accommodating. So kind. And not there to be her friend.

"You caught me," she said, her words glib, but the delivery anything but. "Has he said anything to you? Messaged you? Mentioned... me?" Her hands felt cold and she restrained the need to pull them away or to hold the cup. She let them rest where they were, the right hand holding the handle of the cup lightly, the other just near the edge of the table, relaxed. "Please, I don't--don't have any motives - anything - but I just wanted to know if he hates me. If he's coming home, you know?"

It's been a year. And it's such a small world they live in.

She knows that he's away, but his family was here, and Raina was astute enough to assume eventually he'd come back. She doesn't think their lives will cross again; still there was Bishop University, friends they've made, friends they shared. She has never had anyone hated her before and the idea that Kieran doesn't want anything that had to do with her scares her. Having Ruth refuse to talk to her was one person too many already. Raina was one of those, the ones who keeps thinking up new ways to grieve.

Raina looked at Anna with a sense of unreality, as if she was watching herself on a movie set, looking young and fragile for the camera. But her mind was seething with questions. How stupid was this making her look? How weak? How shallow? Now that she has started, she's aware there really was nothing to be gained here. But she's not playing Anna, not really. Not in the strictest sense of the word. Her need to make it right was real. To be once again viewed as someone pure, someone good. Even by Anna and not the one she wronged. This was all she knows, all her tools. Power, and control. Which again, is a thing that teenagers understand: When you're an object, sometimes the only power you have is in keeping your real self a secret and just stay quiet, and you can stay in control. .

[Anna-Maria Jenner-Carmichael]

Anna was not one to dance around a subject, for the most part, when there was a clear way to strike at the end goal. Other people might have a problem with that, and even people who were similar might be wrong footed, and so she was prepared for some potential verbal fumbling from the younger woman. However, Raina seemed to be possessed of an uncanny composure and so her answer was remarkably relaxed, as was her body language, but the rush of questions, the tone gave away how difficult this situation was for her. Again Anna felt a stirring of pity and something akin to respect for the younger woman. But then, what else could she expect from a girl her brother had fallen for? Despite their differences and her teasing, usually accompanied by eye rolling, of his antics, she generally thought that he had some kind of standards, beyond the usual easy bimbo types.

In the momentary silence that followed Raina’s questions, Anna considered how best to answer the questions, pulling them apart from one another and figuring out the best way to answer each one. In truth she wasn’t sure that she could answer all of them, and that ones that she could, she didn’t think that they would be the answers that the younger woman was looking for. No doubt despite the more likely possibility of a negative reaction, Raina would be hoping for something more positive. Anna knew she would be doing the same in her position.

“He has been in contact with me.” Anna said, with a nod of confirmation accompanying her words, before continuing. “But I’m sorry, Raina, he hasn’t mentioned you.” Sympathy entered her voice, but not pity, she didn’t want to pity the girl, and she didn’t think it would be appreciated at all. “To be perfectly honest with you, Raina, Kieran doesn’t tell me a while lot about anything, so if he did hate you or dislike you, I’m not sure that is something he would tell me about.” Anna explained, perhaps softening the blow a bit, but everything she said was the truth. “As for him coming home, I’m sure that he will be but I really have no idea when that will be.” Softly exhaling a sigh, Anna considering what else she could say, if anything. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you anything more than that.”

[Raina Goncharov]

"No, it's alright. It's good." The embarrassment and shame twisted inside, and the only thing that calmed her was also a sense of release. She tried not to think about how this doesn’t make any sense. How it doesn't follow the story in her head, the one she'd been writing, dreaming about since she broke it off with Mika. Instead, she focused on what was real. Hearing Anna said the words just proved what Raina had been trying to pretend wasn't happening. Sitting there with Keran's sister in front of her, Raina admitted to the fact she was just being selfish and dramatic.

It's a wake up call, and it hurts, and it's embarrassing, but it's also good.

Her life is not a movie, it's her life. Kieran and Anna are not characters in her movie, they are people with their own lives. She knew this, but she went and contacted Anna anyway. And now that she's gotten her answer, it's time. Flipping into total delusion mode only works when the other character is willing to play the part. Stop begging the question, a voice in her head whispered. It's tacky. It's not there. She already lost.

She was too old for games, of bringing about means to an end, and really, she was far too tired for wishing. One year was a long time to be hopeful. It was time to stop.

Okay. Done and done.

"I'm really sorry," she said, summoning a smile. She doesn't take another sip, but let her hands hold the cup to warm them. "This was kind of pointless, wasn't it? But it was nice to meet you."

Raina faltered then. There's only so much composure a girl her age could project -- though she was conceding defeat and being gracious about it, it's still a heartbreak. She won't dare cry, not in front of Anna, but she can't come up with a way to excuse herself, end the meeting, without making it look like a retreat. Her breath comes in shakily and she made herself take another, deeper one. "Do you mind if you don't tell him about this meeting? It's just -,"

She cut herself off, finally looked away. There's such a thing as pride, she wanted to add, but she refused to say it worded like that.

[Anna-Maria Jenner-Carmichael]

“It was nice to meet you too, Raina.” Anna said, sincerely. She had been interested by the chance to talk to the girl that her brother had fallen for so hard, only to have her cheat on him. Kieran was not exactly a chatterbox when it came to his feelings, particularly not those gentler emotions. Having only spent a short amount of time in the younger woman’s presence and considering the way she was reacting to all this, Anna got the distinct feeling that she wasn’t a serial cheater, or if she was the cheating type, she was usually forgiven. She could imagine that any number of men were smitten with her, and willing to forgive her indiscretions. On some level Anna was proud of her brother for not being one of those men, as much as her feelings were conflicted by the whole complex issue of relationships, cheating and forgiveness. “You really don’t need to apologise, it’s okay.” Anna assured her, offering the girl what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

She had a feeling Raina was hoping that this meeting was over, and Anna was inclined to agree. There wasn’t a whole lot left to say. If they had met when Raina and Kieran were still together, Anna had no doubt that they would have got well and been able to chat away quite happily. Unfortunately those were not the circumstances they were dealing with today, and so it seemed natural to end the meeting there. One last request, and Anna nodded in agreement; Raina didn’t need to finish the sentence, she understood. “Of course. This is just between me and you.” Moving to pick up her bag from the floor, resting it in her lap, and not getting up just yet. There was one more thing she wanted to say. “I don’t know all of what went on with you and Kieran, but sometimes it is better to try to let these things go, hard as it can be to do that. Put them down to experience and learn from them, but don’t dwell on what happened and beat yourself up. Trust me, that doesn’t help anyone in the long run.”

Anna was aware she was probably verging on hypocrisy, considering her situation with Tomas. However, she thought she should probably try and pass some of her own experience onto the younger woman, if possible. Hooking her bag over her shoulder, Anna got to her feet. “Anyway I’d better get going, leave you to the rest of your day.” She said, drawing their meeting to a firm conclusion. “Maybe I’ll see you around college. Take care of yourself, Raina.” With those parting words, Anna offered the young woman another smile, and then turned to leave, making her way back through the tables and chairs, and out into the fresh air again.

---

((Figured it was a good place to wrap it up. Hope that's okay!))

[Raina Goncharov]

Raina watched her leave. The girl had a ghost of a smile on her lips, an act for anyone watching her. Later, back home, her whole face would be filled with sloth and sullen expectation, ears tuned to the sound of approaching cars, ready to launch herself to her brothers' arms, to be protected and cherished and reminded why she was special and forget she was a failure with other men. She would demand Vassilij to play with her in the pool or drag Pyotr out to the courtyard where sharp, glittering sunshine would thrill her and warm her. It's her privilege to be loved like this.

She would hide her confusion and her hurt in a deeper, more secret place. She would pretend it never existed.

One last look at Anna's retreating figure and Raina finally turned her attention away, back to her coffee that has grown cold. She knew she would do her best not to meet Anna at school, though their encounter today had went well, and Anna herself didn't seem to mind the possibility. Nothing against Keiran's sister. It was simply because she was Kieran's sister, was all. But she would take Anna's advice. (Had in fact decided on that plan long before Anna mentioned it.)

Time to go home, she thought, exhausted and brittle with her battle against Real Life.

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thread finished ;o;