a plain black moleskine, ($17.99 for a bunch of blank paper?!)

[Aidan Kelly]

two old favorites.

How reluctantly
the bee emerges from deep
within the peony

(Basho)


A world of dew,
and within every dewdrop
a world of struggle

(Issa)


reminds me that i really like bumblebees. Mountain Dew, not so much.

anyway. i'm beginning to realize that i don't feel as close to the one person i'm really close to, anymore. gotta love a fucking paradox. i don't know if it's me or him. but i don't like it. also don't know what to do about it.

[Aidan Kelly]

just got confirmation that i'm doing a wedding this weekend. which is great, because now i'll be able to make rent this month. i fucking hate weddings though.

went for a walk downtown with my sister today, while zeke was sleeping. a quick walk. don't spend enough time with her, she's such a cool kid.

silence
the frog's dried
body in the road.

ha, frog leaves--what you get after a car runs over a frog in hot weather, after it's dried into a piece of black paper. i love those. they're disgusting.

[Aidan Kelly]

i think it is time to take a break from doing wedding shoots and so forth--time for a real project again. i'm thinking a skin series. caring for zeke brought my enjoyment of naked bodies to the surface again--as far as art, i mean; generally, i always enjoy nudity--which was just a coincidence, zeke himself had nothing to do with this...it was just zeke's back that did it.

anyway, i have an idea for some fragmented portraits that might be interesting. i just have to gather up some people willing to be shot naked and blown up into massive glossy prints...for next to nothing for their trouble, unless i can get a grant or something... also need to find a gallery that'd be interested in something like that. that's kind of the important part.

[Aidan Kelly]

everything makes me angry lately.

it might also be worth mentioning that i haven't woken up without a hangover in...almost two weeks.

the project is not going well, because i haven't felt like working on it. luckily i've roped katy into helping me with the wedding this weekend. that should set me to rights. katy never fails to make me happy again. i guess because she always is so happy to see me. it's like having a small fan club that i am a fan of in return.

[Aidan Kelly]

huge fight with zeke, completely out of nowhere last night. don't want to think about it. don't actually know what it was about. i'm tired.

[Aidan Kelly]

this weather is so annoying. i really really dislike it. i hate november, actually. especially since december comes next. oh man, if only the hot months alternated with the cold, i would hate the crappy weather less. everyone is so bitchy lately. like they are all unhappy about winter coming, too. or maybe they are just bitches. which is unfortunate to say the least. i really do not need or want more reasons to dread answering my phone. lately it's all been bad news--credit people wanting money and annoying dickheads who are lucky they are so handsome being annoyingly handsome dickheads.

i'm really tired of everything.

example: weirdest fucking conversation ever, with ben. i don't even know what to think, except that i've finally met someone who tops zeke for drama queenery. fuck. why are the hot ones always the freaks? i swear to god if he cries next time we talk, i'm deleting his number from my phone and blocking his calls. i really do not need this.

[Aidan Kelly]

saw a short film for some fashion thing the other day that gave me ideas for all the pretty, useless pictures i take of the sky: nudes for a living canvas, the useless pictures projected onto their skin. close ups, high contrast, soft deep shadows. i need to find people with really great skin. don't want it to be...at all symbolic. don't want to get too abstract, or pretty. but being too literal can sometimes double back over the line back into abstract. need to keep that in mind.

thought about this all night while i was sleeping, it was exhausting. but it could be a fun project once the portraits are done. which might be never, i'm really unhappy with the last few.

i wonder what kind of skin that loud bartender girl has under her worn jeans and cute white strapless top. she could come in handy.


i'm tired.

[Aidan Kelly]

the mountain pigeon
grumbles--
winter rain
(Issa)


i had a thought last night after i found myself outside with my face pressed up against the freezing rough brick of ben's building (i guess i lost track of the door as i was heading inside): buildings can be sexy.

i wonder how much beer it would take to convince ardan to pose against some skyscrapers for me. he has the shoulders i need for a shoot like that.

[Aidan Kelly]

(pre blackout)


[scrawled drunkenly]

you know, i only hurt his feellings or whatever becuse he let's me. he expects me to, so. im not a fucking monster.

[Aidan Kelly]

It is cold, but
we have sake
and the hot spring

(Shiki)


at least there's one person who's on the same page as me.

i'm too old to have no clue what i'm doing. or why i'm doing it.

[Aidan Kelly]

red wine, success. beer and...everything else.

[Aidan Kelly]

i really need to figure this out. pieces of my life are bleeding over into other parts, and other parts are withering away. when i try to think of how to get a handle on things again, i can't actually remember if i ever had a handle on them to begin with. wondering if things have ever been nice and neat, or if just the whiskey was. (ha ha. am hilarious, even sober.)

do i really like mop-headed morons, or do i just like being cruel?

[frustrated doodling]

aidan
a. kelly
ak ak ak ak

[scribbles]

really, though... all the things i usually use to identify myself...the things i do, the people i spend time with...maybe i'm just wrong about it all. maybe i'm-- whatever, whatever.

going for a run. should be thrilling.

[Aidan Kelly]

Ben:

Okay, so you're an over-confident over-rated slacker whose penchant for eqivocation drives me insane and whose lack of desire to invest any time in a project that could be taken seriously will only lead to dissapointment, failure and a very empty wallet. You're an uncontrollable incorrigible flirt who deserves to be rebuffed every time you make a half-hearted play for another innocent victim. And you're about as Irish as my Mother.

proof.

frankly i'm relieved.

[Aidan Kelly]

heat shimmers--
the morning sun
crosses the threshold

(Issa)

i need to get laid

[Aidan Kelly]

i love spring, money is in the air. so many saps wanting photographic evidence of the money they spent on their weddings. my first gig this month, i'm pretty sure i did her first wedding a couple years ago. hilarious. can't wait for fall, though, when i'll have time to do my own thing again.


haven't heard from zeke in awhile... don't know what i'd say to him, anyway. i don't know what to say to him.

[idle scribbling]

fuck.