WELCOME

[DetectiveSnaz12]

Hey. I'm Eileen. If you're interested in learning a bunch of random facts about me, you can go to my profile on iconator and read it there. my user id is 267885.

Before you can understand me, you have to know where I came from.

I was born and raised in Southern New Hampshire. I have two brothers, one is one year older, the other is three years younger. I had one dog that passed away when I was in 7th grade, I got another one the next year, and still have him currently. He's a Westie named Mac and he is my pride and joy. My family has always had fish, but that's another story.

I attended preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school, always at the top of my grade. I was always a good kid. Never been grounded. Never gotten in trouble. Never gotten a B on a report card.

Sometime in 7th and 8th grade, I woke up.

My closest uncle succumbed to lymphoma and passed away at the age of 52. It has changed me forever. Instead of playing sports outside with the boys like the tomboy I was, I started staying inside, and thought. That's what I did. I just thought.

About a year later, I became atheist. I also developed my beliefs, engaged in debates, became best friends with a girl who had been through more in her fifteen years of life than your typical 80 year old. She changed me as well.

I really developed my personality and metamorphosized.

I had a boyfriend once, in 8th grade. We talked online every day for hours and hours, but were embarrassed to be seen together in real life. I haven't had a relationship since.

Life has been so hard for me. It's difficult to describe. I've been a loner for most of my life, having a very small group of friends, and being really quiet. I'm likely social phobic among many other things. I've been a self-injurer all my life, even before I knew what it meant. I've dealt with periods of insomnia, addiction to NyQuil, probably depression though I'm too scared to ever diagnose with something. When you have secrets, it's hard to talk.

Websites have been my refuge. You can say ANYTHING and don't have to fear what people will say in return. I have no problem admitting to everyone on here that I'm a cutter, and my guilty pleasures include cough drops, hand lotion, and runescape. No one judges me. Iconator is usually great. Something I'm actually good at can reap me some benefits. That Itunes gift card I won, I gave to my friend, for christmas, who had been falling away and I think I might have claimed her back. It makes me feel good to hear praise when I don't hear it anywhere else.

I love writing. Besides music, it's my only other refuge. I like to think I'm good at it. I wrote a book. I have to polish it, but I've had people read it and they've told me it's good enough to sell. My query letter is complete, and I can't wait to finish it and start sending the queries out so I can find my agent. My dream agent is Rachel Vater, but that's just a dream.

I care more about this book than I do college, or my future. The way I see it, the future is so unreliable I don't want to waste a moment on it. I could die in a car crash tomorrow. I live completely for today.

I'm neurotic, easily excitable, sensitive, self-conscious, selfish, pathetic, introverted, you name it, I am it. I like this site because I can argue my opinion without alot of personal detail going in to it.

Right now, in my life, I'm barely hanging on. I try not to let self injury and mental suicide threats overcome my life, so I resort to distraction measures like obsessing over Frank Iero and Chris Daughtry and Milo Ventimiglia, shows like Heroes, Lost, Supernatural and Jericho, and listening to music CONSTANTLY. Literally, constantly. Even if my Zune 80gig (which I named Milo after Milo Ventimiglia who is Peter Petrelli on Heroes) isn't with me, I'm listening to music in my mind.

I don't really believe anyone is going to read this, and if they did, I believe even less that they'd care. It's hard to care about someone you don't know and never will. I just want everyone to have a basis for who I am, that every opinion I have is not irrational and sprouted from my parents' beliefs. I am completely my own person. It's not a person that I like very much, but I'm unique.

[cupcake]

i like you, you seem pretty damn awesome.

and i'm the same online, it's the only place i can admit that i'm anorexic, bisexual (i hope you don't have a problem with that), sexually abused, basically everything about me that i won't say in real life.

and you may think it's hard to care about someone you don't know, but i don't think it's that hard, i met my best friend on iconator, and i care about her more than anything in the world.

[DetectiveSnaz12]

aw thanks.

i have no problem with that at all.

it's actually probably easier to like someone online than in real life. you only see what you want to see. it's so easy to pretend everyone is beautiful and everyone is happy and everyone's lives are perfect.

[cupcake]

you're welcome.

i'm glad that doesn't matter, it bugs me when people don't like me because of it.

well not so much that everyone's perfect, it's just that they don't care about rumors at school and crap like that.

[xThereIsNoSpoonx90]

It pains me to hear about people who struggle with self-abuse and depression, because my bff struggles with those very things.

I assure you,
I care.

I know that you are a precious creation of God, made in His image and likeness. I know that you are a young lady with loves and hates, bravery and fear, strength and weakness. You are a person, and I care for you already.

I have always had an insecurity that people didn't care about me. I've always been able to socialize well, and people have almost always liked me, but I knew deep down that a year or two after moving away, I'd simply be a memory of "that boy... what's his name?" I felt I was never an impact on their lives, and that if I died, it would not phase them all that much. More recently, I have had this insecurity both realized and damned. I went through a bad relationship with a girl who, I feel, doesn't give a s*** about me, no matter how much a cared for her. But throughout that, countless others showed that I meant alot to them. That they CARED. Caring is what matters the most to me. Most of all that God CARED about me so much as to sacrifice Himself for my spiritual salvation. Also that my friends and family were there for me through that very hard time. Being cared about is what hits the deepest chords in people, and I assure you...

I care.

[DetectiveSnaz12]

Thanks, I guess.

I'll live to argue with you another day..

[ihatehilarywithapassion]

I care, detective!

A very honest profile. I respect that. I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I really am. Whenever you're feeling blue, just save this sucker to your computer and open it up:


Seriously though. It's true. Consider it a gift.

Ah, another runescaper. My brother is absolutely obsessed with that game. I never really got into it though. But I agree with you about the websites thing. The internet is great, ain't it? I can't imagine how I'd spend my free time if I'd never met you guys

[nerdysweet]

Au contraire, my Detective, I read it.

You are very interesting, and that's a lot to go through when you're as young as we are. Same to Cupcake.

Also, I love to write and my best friend is gay. Actually, my present novel is about a gay kid growing up in the seventies. I think it's pretty good so far. I mean, I hope. Haha.