Okay guys, I need your urgent, desperate last minute help!

I have to write a chapter of a book by TOMORROW for writing for extension, and I need feedback and ideas.

This is all I have so far, and it's un edited. Please don't worry about the editing part of it, because that is not important.

I just need to write a chapter and worry about the details later!

___xx

Dance With The Devil By Edwina (Work In Progress).

The back of his hand traced softly along her cheekbone, sending an electric shock

down her spine. His eyes stared intensely into hers, and were so close that she

could see the small toxic green flecks in his large hazel eyes. A mischievous smile

crept across his entire face as he traced his finger along her jaw to her lips.

"Damn, I got lucky..." His smile grew larger, transforming into something deeply

menacing.

"You haven't got anything." She spat. He laughed.

"Wow, I never realised you were so feisty. You know, I kind of like that in a girl."

Keira felt sick. The guy in front of her was a stranger, not even a shadow of who

he was a mere minute ago. “Who the f*** are you?!” She screamed, a tear falling

down onto her bloodstained t-shirt. Her body began to tremble from the

adrenaline, the cable-tie biting into her wrist harder with every uncontrollable

shake.

“Well, I’m not really the Ryan you thought you knew,” he edged closer. “Or more

precisely the Ryan you did know.”

The hazel colour in his eyes disappeared, replaced by a malevolent blood red.

___xx

Okay so the supernatural feel is quite obvious, haha.

I need ideas, ideas and more ideas on what is good/bad about it and whether (so far) it makes an interesting read.

Thanks xx

Love it so far, hun. The description is spot-on perfect, a hell of a lot better than I could ever do. I'm really not great with ideas (at all) but Ive seen a couple of theories on the actual dance with the devil myth, which apparently seems to tend to include the victim being a young girl of strict Christian religion; around fifteen years old or so, and is literally 'taken' by the devil, (from some sort of social dance/something she attends which is against her parents wishes) I also know that one of the key factors of the myth is the mother warning her daughter if she attends the dance, the devil will take her soul (in a religious-kind-of-way).

I'm sorry I'm really not much help, and you probably knew that legend before, but it's the only thing I can come up with right now. I'll have a think, and het back to you before I log off if I can think of anything!

Goodluck! :)

Thanks. . . :)

Here's a little more:



Keira sprang backwards in shock, dragging the small wooden chair that she was

bound to onto the ground with her. She lay sprawled awkwardly on the floor,

caught helplessly by the demon’s sickening gaze.

“What do you want with me?” She managed to mumble despite her inability to

breathe. This seemed to amuse Ryan, or whoever that thing was. He sidled closer

to her side and crouched down next to her.

“I want to hear you scream. I want to hear you beg for your life to the person that

you loved. I want to see your insides on the outside.” He paused, savoring her

horrified expression. “But the thing I want most is to feel Ryan’s pain as he

watches his own two hands tearing your lifeless corpse apart.”

She couldn’t speak, the words stolen from her mouth by the extreme fear

paralyzing her body. He circled around her like a hunter circling its prey and

continued on. “I’ll be long gone when the police arrive. Those poor officers will

have counseling for the rest of their lives after witnessing what Ryan had done to

you.” The fake sympathy in his voice heightened the malice in his perverse

speech.



____xx

This isn't really a Chapter 1... more like Chapter 20 Lol.

Seriously hun, it's awesome. You're so talented.
(("I want to see your insides on the outside." Teehee is that perhaps Envy speaking??))

I'm sorry I can't think of any ideas, perhaps he could mess with her mind a little, you know, a bit of neurological torture.

Oh yeah, I love to torture!

I think I heard the 'insides on the outside' line somewhere else, and I've loved it ever since.


I just emailed my teacher begging for an extension because I was away during Mondays double and told him I'd realised what I was writing was not Chapter 1 of a story, which the assignment is meant to be.

Haha good times. :blink:

Okay, here it is in full. (Still unedited :P )

And I just figured out that it's a flash foward. Woot. Funny how these things work out.

____xXx


The back of his hand traced softly along her cheekbone, sending an electric shock

down her spine. His eyes stared intensely into hers, and were so close that she

could see the small toxic green flecks in his large hazel eyes. A mischievous smile

crept across his entire face as he traced his finger along her jaw to her lips.

"Damn, I got lucky..." His smile grew larger, transforming into something deeply

menacing.

"You haven't got anything." She spat. He laughed.

"Wow, I never realised you were so feisty. You know, I kind of like that in a girl."

Keira felt sick. The guy in front of her was a stranger, not even a shadow of who

he was a mere minute ago. “Who the f*** are you?!” She screamed, a tear falling

down onto her bloodstained t-shirt. Her body began to tremble from the

adrenaline, the cable-tie biting into her wrist harder with every uncontrollable

shake.

“Well, I’m not really the Ryan you thought you knew,” he edged closer. “Or more

precisely the Ryan you did know.”

The hazel colour in his eyes disappeared, replaced by a malevolent blood red.

Keira sprang backwards in shock, dragging the small wooden chair that she was

bound to onto the ground with her. She lay sprawled awkwardly on the floor,

caught helplessly by the demon’s sickening gaze.

“What do you want with me?” She managed to mumble despite her inability to

breathe. This seemed to amuse Ryan, or whoever that thing was. He sidled closer

to her side and crouched down next to her.

“I want to hear you scream. I want to hear you beg for your life to the person that

you loved. I want to see your insides on the outside.” He paused, savoring her

horrified expression. “But the thing I want most is to feel Ryan’s pain as he

watches his own two hands tearing your lifeless corpse apart.”

She couldn’t speak, the words stolen from her mouth by the fear paralyzing her

body. He circled around her like a hunter circling its prey and continued on. “I’ll

be long gone when the police arrive. Those poor officers will have counseling for

the rest of their lives after witnessing what Ryan had done to you.” The fake

sympathy in his voice heightened the malice in his perverse speech.

“But why? What have we done to you,” She choked on the words as they tumbled

out of her mouth. “You sick freaking bastard!”

“Now that’s just plain rude.” Without warning he swung around, his fist smashing

with a sickening thud into her head knocking all of her conscious senses from her

mind.


____xXx

What do you think?

-applause-
It's awesome, hun. I love it. NOW I want to hear the rest of the story! Damn you!

Oops, my bad :P

Well I'll have to write more anyway by Monday.

Haha.