you've been waiting for us, haven't you? apologies to all you gossip fiends, we were busy trying to find some bikinis and swim trunks for the bahama trip. don't you worry your pretty little heads, we have a lot to get through today. (; but before we begin, we'd like to remind you that you can send in blasts
via personal message, if you have any scandals to report. we promise that you'll remain 100% anonymous, and that's one promise we'll actually keep.
now, onto the good stuff. as you already know, the camera crew has packed up their material and have headed off to the beautiful bahamas, where you'll all be able to take a short break from reality and bask in the sun and half naked bodies. you know what they say though, you can take the bitch out of their element but you can't take the bitch out of them. and we're proud to report that none of you have let us down on that front.
let's start with mr.taylor, since all of you dumb hoes seem to love him so much. he's still in a
pedophilic committed relationship with hecquet, right? nope. wrong. because both of them are either too fucking stupid or.. fucking stupid to recognize the other is not 100% in it for them. while taylor is off with anderson, holding hands and making googly eyes at her, hecquet is off with hart, divulging her secret love for him while they exchange sentiments and silently pray the other will jump into their arms. obviously the question here is, why the fuckity fuck are taylor and hecquet still together? honestly. somebody tell us because we really don't know. "I can't break up with him over the phone, can I? That's not the right way to do something like that." in the words of miss hecquet herself. so let's lay down the bets now, shall we? will hecquet be the one with the balls and end the relationship, or will taylor grow a pair and do it, himself? lol who are we kidding, $100 on hecquet.
but while love is dying, it is blooming elsewhere! namely, fraser and graham. they had no problem flaunting it in our faces, clearly sealing it with a kiss on the beach and expressing their adoration for one another. how cute. enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts bitches, once you're back in canterbury; all of us expect it to fall a part. roll your eyes all you want, graham. you'll curse yourself later and wonder why you didn't listen to us in the first place. love seldom lasts in canterbury. mainly because all of you are trainwrecks or homewreckers. but you'll see.
a fine example of this is stratus and pussy lindberg. they have officially broken up, and as per their style, with lots of drama and blood and tears, though we're betting a lot of them came from stratus as he sat alone, icing his hands and wondering when the fuck he became a 40 year old man. kid has serious jealously issues, and mcleod does whatever the fuck he wants with whoever the fuck he wants, which is something stratus can't handle. so he beat him up hockey style, and we have to admit, for a split second we were nostalgic of his enforcer days on the hockey team. pussy lindberg cried and said some shit about her and mcleod being just friends, and then the relationship ended sometime that night. honestly, it's exhausting re-listening to the recordings because they're both so fucking dramatic and annoying. oh well. good news to all you teeny girls who have been secretly hating pussy lindberg since the start of that relationship, because now stratus is on the market. he's a jealous one though, girls. remember that.
while r cross and gates were getting high off life (which made for a particularly enjoyable show, so thanks for that, boys) dick lindberg was attempting to shove an apology up knight's ass. she didn't seem particularly interested in talking
mostly because she likes fucking but maybe she'll find love on this bahamas trip, too. and maybe dick lindberg is tired of fapping and wants some real lovin', now. only time can tell.
aside from love, the bahamas is also good for brewing up some friendships, it seems. bond and webb had a nice night in which webb tried his hand at flirting with the blonde bombshell, who was obviously lonely because she actually responded. then loser girl jackson finally got the attention of popular girl liv mcleod, and for a second we thought we were actually watching a really watered down, boring version of mean girls. and then k cross and gates had a run-in, as well. lots of unlikely friendships forming here, kids. but cain better keep watching over those two because k cross doesn't seem like the type to keep her hands off. then again, isn't cain bff with hamlin, the boy who suddenly gets googly eyes when he's around her? maybe gates should be the one worrying.
and that's where the report ends today. you stratton kids really need to get more game, these high school dumbfucks are easily beating you out in regards to drama and anything even marginally interesting. we know you have to pay a lil more to get to the bahamas and you're all poor uni students blah blah, but seriously, get the hell out there. do something. before we completely forget you exist.
thanks for tuning in, whores. we knew you would. can't wait to catch more of your cheating, lying, and backstabbing on camera while we're out here in the beautiful bahamaland. and can't wait even more for when we get back to canterbury and all of this catches up on you like the biggest, baddest bitch of a hangover you've ever had.
'pressing onward, march together, to a common loftier goal;
steady sunward tho' the weather hide the wide and treacherous shoal. bahamaland!'
reporting live from this tropical paradise,
the camera crew.