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 The Notes
Joey
Posted: May 16 2006, 05:48 PM


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For the most part I like them.

it would be nice if you did the "is it farther?" in three. THink of two more instances. The last joke could be like the "yes it is" style, but done in character.

Overall I like it.
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limmortal
Posted: May 18 2006, 04:57 PM


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Zoe: Are we there yet? (1)
Chloe: Have we arrived in Sacramento from LA when we left half an hour ago and stopped for supplies and attempted recruiting? You figure it out.
. . . (2)
Chloe: Thirteen point pi miles.
. . . (3)
Sam: Um . . .
Cecilia: She sounds so much like my daughters. When they were four years old.
. . . (4)
Florence: Verily, milady, you become repetitious. Wouldst favour a closer acquaintance with a large ball of fire? (If she's in Ren Faire mode, she probably intends the pun on 'ball.' Then again, maybe in my world Ren Faire isn't bawdy.*)
. . . (5)
Vivian: Holy Hera, Florence, do whatever you need to shut her up.

Can I redo "Wake me if you see anything interesting," too? Got a request for 'interesting'?


* Grammar police: wouldst is associated with thou, I believe. Yet I use 'you' in the previous sentance. Would you expect the holder of a Master's degree and teaching credential who's been going to the Faire for six years to get it right?
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limmortal
Posted: May 18 2006, 09:03 PM


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I think there might be a big problem in the spell. I need to get it exactly right, other than requiring the right temperature or other aspect of weather which can be put awry by rockets in an enclosed space, effect when cast properly, and effect when cast improperly.

That way there can be foreshadowing, relevant jokes, and possibly I can practise drawing fractals and butterflies.
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limmortal
Posted: May 19 2006, 11:54 PM


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One thing we completely left out: tension between Vivian and Cecilia. There's got to be some difficulty in them being together. Why haven't we seen them interact before?

And how come the television's stealing Sybil's role as recounter of the news? I guess there's no reason it can't be word for word from the newspaper.

Think maybe Rudolph Valentino the Second, The Grandma, and the Dugelhoffs used to play bridge together?

Oh, and how about a decent title page this time? Scene from Macbeth: the six sisters (one male) around a cauldron over a very nice fire with a lot of uplighting. "And Thrice to Mine: an excercise in nonalliteration, by Amarantha Emu and Joseph Chastain." Send 'em running to one of your sites.
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Joey
Posted: May 24 2006, 01:59 PM


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Good stuff.

You COULD use Sybill reading the newspaper as a segue, saying something like 'the king will be on the TV today" and Harold can scoff about his ecconomics plan.
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limmortal
Posted: May 24 2006, 02:41 PM


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Hmm.

Oh, no.

Well, I had Theo mock Harold already (accused him of being a Van Hayesian, which of COURSE he is http://the13labour.comicgen.com/d/20060120.html) - so I think Theo and Harold disagree on some basic economic issues. (Like whether to have savings . . .) So, assuming a polar system of thought in this world (not a far leap) probably one of them agrees with the king, and one . . . doesn't.

Or they could both think that the king doesn't spend enough time thinking about money.
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